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almightypines

This is actually something I’ve been exploring a bit with myself recently. A few months ago, I suddenly remembered really wanting a football jersey for Christmas one year when I was maybe 8-10 years old. I didn’t get it, and I don’t think it was specifically because I was a girl, but because my family never watched football and the team jersey I wanted wasn’t even for one of the local teams (like 1,000 miles away). Lol. It was just that team doing well at that particular time, had won the Super Bowl, all my friends who were boys were wearing the jerseys and they were playing some peewee football also, and I wanted to be in on it all. Anyway, I was a bit disappointed by not getting the jersey, but I could understand it from my parent’s perspective. Around that same time my younger brother started playing peewee football and I went with him and my mom to practice, and since I looked like a little boy the coach asked me if I wanted to join the team too. I did, but my mom said “No, that’s a girl.” And I guess that part of me shrank into myself. So, I remembered all this in the fall and discovered some bitterness lingering inside me. I started following my local NFL team who is doing well this year, decided to open myself up to being a football fan, catching a game here and there, today I talked to one of my colleagues about football strategy because he played, and then spent the afternoon online shopping for a jersey. Lol. I’m so excited about fulfilling this silly childhood desire. I guess I’m coming around to this part of myself again and it’s kind of exciting but also unfamiliar because I’ve been the person that hates sports for so long. Over the last few months I also went to a bar with a friend to watch a soccer game and I went to a hockey game for New Years Eve and had a blast. And I suppose, I’m just enjoying exploring sports some as a grown man who felt really locked out of it as a kid. A part of me has always wanted to join an adult league but between three concussions and having an unfit decrepit late 30s body, I may just be more of an observer than a participant at this point in life. I wasn’t really locked out of doing most things when I was a kid, my parents were pretty damn chill about gendered things for the time, place, and their generation. But I am trying to explore this stuff a little more. I really wanted to be a Boy Scout but wasn’t allowed to and I’ve thought about being an adult troop leader, but I worry about the optics of that as a single childfree guy who has no previous scouting experience. My nephew just made Eagle Scout and my sister was an adult troop leader the entire time he was in, once Scouts became inclusive to girls my niece joined also. And I was just like “WTF.” My sister and niece could do all the scouting stuff but I couldn’t and it’s probably one of my biggest childhood grief weak spots. Over Christmas my brother really wanted to play video games together, probably the first time in 25-ish years, so we did that and it was really fun. I loved that two brothers gaming together energy and we were like kids on Christmas morning about it. I felt like I was reliving my childhood in a way that I couldn’t fully previously. Anyway, yeah, enjoy all the silly things that you didn’t get to! I tried out karate in college when I was transitioning because I couldn’t as a child, and may try it again now that I’m older. Blanket forts are a blast and I went through a phase one Autumn when I was about 30 and built one like every weekend to camp out in my living room in with my dog. Lol. I’ve never been into fun t-shirts but I am all about fun socks and just bought a pair that have UFOs abducting cows, and I have bigfoot socks, and a pair of shark socks that I wear every time I watch Jaws. I have a 16 year old nephew, and it’s been nerf wars, box forts, forts in the woods, and fart jokes. Last year I took him to a music store to try out different guitars and it reminded me of when my brother was learning to play as a teenager and he would go to music stores with his male friends and screw around. I never went but I got that same kind of vibe from taking my nephew. I also took him to a restaurant and we sat a bar, it was his first time sitting at a bar, and he got a root beer and thought he was so cool. Lol. His teenage boy beginning to mature into an adult man energy really came through, and that was fun to experience with him as his uncle. I can definitely tell you that you’re not too old for all the things you want to try, and sometimes aspects of that energy you missed out on can come through in some interesting ways, through other people (especially kids), and without deliberately doing a particular activity to experience it. I think living as a trans man has taken some fun out of life for me, made life a little too serious. But damn, I think I might be middle aged now and life is just too short for having a stick up my ass. It’s fun to just play and explore whatever it is that brings you joy, even if that activity is for people much younger.


Chunky_pickle

I definitely missed out on playing sports with boys growing up and I’m looking forward to being able to join a men’s league of something once I’m healed up and done with surgeries. Probably soccer but maybe something else. I hated playing on girls teams not only because I didn’t fit it and it wasn’t actually the type of fun and intensity I was after but also because I was constantly harassed by parents and coaches about “why is there a boy on the girls team?!?” to the point my coach had a copy of my birth certificate to settle disputes. In high school my team mates had to make a human shield around me so I could go into the change room without harassment. Really takes the joy of playing sports away… so that is on my list of things I would like to remedy in round 2. I got the “no that’s a girl” thing a lot too from my parents when strangers asked about “their son”. Hated that correction being made. Euphoria in being seen correctly then it being instantly crushed. I have a fun sock collection as well- something I find joy in. Same with fun underwear. I never got to do that growing up so now it’s my choice what I wear and I want to wear what makes me happy regardless of if others will see it or not. That’s great you have someone in your life to do the kid stuff with and have them enjoy it too- part of me thinks a lot of it will have to wait until I have my own kids. But there’s definitely some things I can tackle solo in the meantime. Being trans sucked a lot of fun out of my life- both in not being able to do what I actually wanted to with the boys but also having to grow up fast and learn how to manage big emotions and crushing dysphoria super young and on my own before the internet was a thing. The mental energy that took alone took precedence over fun and a lot of it was surviving and not thriving. I want to be able to let fun back into my life eventually, once I’m past the ongoing hell of lower surgery. Then I’ll have the fresh start I’ve been waiting forever for.


onlythebestboys

Hey dude - I’m nearly 40 and I’ve found that little space (ageplay - non sexual for me) has been really cool and beneficial if you can find someone to be apart of it with you.


Chunky_pickle

I’m not sure exactly how I want to go about the things that require other people yet- focus on the solo ones first. But finding the right group will be a big part of it too. Maybe it’ll force me to make friends with new guys too- not sure what the plan is… babysitting kids might be another way to get that playfulness side out in a non-forced way. Glad it’s been helpful for you!


iguanasrcool

I volunteer with youth groups! You mentioned Scouts, maybe volunteering there would be beneficial to you?


Chunky_pickle

I was in scouts with boys from 8-14 so I got to do everything except whatever was relevant to having a penis- like peeing off cliffs, having distance contests, and peeing on the fire. Things that weren’t actually part of scouting but happened anyway when you have a bunch of boys outside together. I think my best bet honestly is to go camping with a bunch of post-op trans guy friends and just see what happens since we will all be in the same position of having that “boy energy” of being outside with a penis now. A few of us have talked about doing our own version of “camp lost boys” for trans guys for a weekend in the summer and invite guys at all stages out for it. We have a super active provincial Facebook group and it wouldn’t be hard to get 50-100 people out for it at a reserved campground.


iguanasrcool

Sounds like a good plan! I only mentioned volunteering because you talked about babysitting.


Chunky_pickle

Ah right- I was thinking more with younger kids like 4-6 to really get the aspect of play in with a smaller group of 2 or 3 total.


onlythebestboys

Good job man! Yeah I also live pretty child like in my normal life.


CaptMcPlatypus

Thankfully, my parents were mostly not hardcore about gender role stuff when I was a kid, and I have a brother, so he and I grew up playing together and doing many of the same kinds of things. The “boy stuff” that he liked, like being a football fan, that I didn’t do was legit because I wasn’t into it. He was a boy scout and I wasn’t “allowed” to be one, but my dad was the scoutmaster and he brought me to a bunch of stuff anyway (I just didn’t wear a uniform and I didn’t go to the official camps). As soon as I turned 18 he registered me as an adult leader and merit badge counselor, so I even got the uniform. My dad is a big outdoorsman and he was thrilled to have kids that weren’t delicate or precious about things and that he could relate to and share the things he loved with, so he took me camping, fishing, hunting, target shooting, expected me to help in the yard and with the car, etc. just like my brother. (He also expected both of us to learn to cook and clean too, so that didn’t come off as gendered to me either, though we largely had to learn from our mom). So I don’t feel like there were many “boy” things that were withheld from me as a child or teen. For me, because I reflexively avoided situations where I‘d be lumped in with the girls, I skipped out on things that looked fun, but were culturally “girly”, like dance. I would have rather set myself on fire than wear a tutu, but I always admired the power, strength and grace of male ballet dancers. Likewise, I find the elegant masculinity of male ballroom dancers appealing. I took some ballet and theater dance classes in college, because I recognized that I wanted to but had avoided them because they were “girly”. I was put with the female students, though I wore (and was allowed to wear) shorts and a T shirt like the couple of guys in the class. I got injured pretty early (dance is rough!) so I didn’t get very far into it (went back to my tried and true, and much safer, martial arts!). I have thought about maybe taking some ballroom dancing lessons as my post-transition self, since I would definitely be put in the man’s dancing role. It’s hard to find the time and money currently, since I have kids in various activities right now. Plus, there’s another martial art I want to learn, and I definitely don’t have the time or energy or $$$ to have two hobbies right now. I think it’s great for trans guys (and trans ladies…and, indeed, all people) to look at what was withheld from them or that they withheld from themselves and give themselves permission to explore what genuinely appeals to them.


beepboopplatypus

This was a nice writeup and a good take on it. From what I've seen, it takes a certain level of security in yourself and your masculinity to be comfortable exploring things that may be socially feminine again. And once you've reached that point, you can be comfortable knowing you've reached an important part of your journey. Something I've been thinking about recently, is what masculinity means to me. Like, dance may be culturally feminine, but male ballroom dancers are definitely masculine, and sometimes we need to look past all the superficial cultural codes to define what it really is for us to be men :) On a side note, definitely am jealous of all the good father-son bonding you had as a kid haha I would have loved to be as outdoorsy.


Chunky_pickle

I always wished I had a brother growing up so I’d have someone to do the stuff I wanted with and who would get me in the way my guy friends had with their brothers. I love my sister, but we are total opposites and didn’t have much overlap in interests growing up. I was treated differently growing up being older by a few years and therefore always bigger and stronger too. So I was usually tasked with the more physical stuff when it came up. Which I actually secretly liked since I made me feel validated but was really just more of a practical thing- you wouldn’t expect a smaller than average 12 year-old to cut the grass or weed whack but at 14/15 that was perfectly reasonable for me to undertake. I’m really glad our parents put both of us in scouts and agreed on the “screw girl guides- we want you to learn actual skills even if it’s you and 24 boys” mentality and supported us in it by being leaders. I feel you on the dance side of things. It’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, but there was no chance in hell I would dance with someone as a girl. Didn’t matter what the attire was- the principle of it was just non-negotiable. Dancing as a guy with a partner I have no problem with and I think would actually be really beneficial. I was looking into adult dance classes right when COVID hit so that has been sidelined with the current state of the world plus my own surgical journey from hell. I shied away from a lot of the creative-type activities and I think spending some time learning art and performance kinds of skills would fill some gaps that I put there myself to distance myself from being lumped in with girls. In my first year of transitioning, I joined a Scottish line dancing group since I was having some weird health issues and couldn’t be physically active. So that was my limit. The average age was about 72- then me at 25. I was also the only guy in a group of 15 or so and it was an interesting experience being fought over by grandmas because they wanted to dance with me… super validating experience. I had a bad experience with dance in elementary school and lost it on my teacher when she tried to make me dance as a girl with a boy. Only time I’ve ever gotten in trouble at school in my life. That experience definitely shaped my view on dance forever. But now being able to do it in a role that feels right I think will be totally different.


NullableThought

My biggest thing I feel like I missed out was Boy Scouts and having male friends as a kid. I suffer primarily from social dysphoria and have a hard time relating to groups of girls/women. I was in Girl Scouts and hated it. I wanted desperately to be in Boy Scouts like my younger brother. My parents were weirdly conservative about some things and mixed gender play time was one of them. I wasn't allowed to have male friends as a kid. I had zero real friends from age 13 to 30. I still really want to be part of a boy scout group. I'm thinking about trying to form one locally with other trans men.


Chunky_pickle

I was initially put in girl guides when I was 8 since that’s what the common option “for girls”’was and hated it. There were lots of moms commenting on “why is there a boy here…” in reference to me so it was pretty clear I didn’t fit in. It was also super boring- I wasn’t there to make bracelets and sleep in the gym for “camp outs”. I lost it one day during one of the song and dance routines we had to do and punted the foam toad stool and stormed out of the gym. I wasn’t allowed back. My dad signed me up for cubs the next week and joined on as a leader. I was the only “girl” in the group until my sister joined a couple years later. My whole family was in it for a good 5 years with both my parents being leaders. Being able to have those experiences was huge part of my childhood. If you can find enough other trans guys, you’ll likely be able to form some kind of group to do outdoor stuff with. Probably not an actual scout troop if you’re an adult but a social/activity group for sure. It’s a common thing trans guys miss out on and want to reclaim.


NullableThought

Yeah I went through years of girl scouts and it was so painful because i could see how different it was from my brother's experience. Recently I was at my mom's house and found some of my brothers boy scouts books. It would be very easy to get a few copies and do the activities required to complete each badge. I don't want just an activity group. I want to pick a badge as a group and then complete all of the requirements. Man, I'm starting to feel motivated to actually form a small troop for trans men, specifically those who didn't have a good (or any) scouting experience as a kid.


Chunky_pickle

That would be a cool idea if you can find enough guys to do it with you! Could also just work on them solo too.


sawamander

Every time I see people talk about inner children, I count it as the one lucky thing about being autistic.. My answer to this is, the needs of my 'child self' aren't really at odds in any way with my 'adult self,' because I'm the same person, just with more responsibilities. Get the phrase "too old for [xyz fun activity]" out of your vocabulary. Go to a trampoline park. Go play a round of paintball. Buy some lego kits. Take an introductory course to, hell, anything you want. Go buy a tie dye kit!!!!!! Try block printing shirts!!!


ForestAwakes

This is the way! I feel the same way. My spouse and I started doing all this stuff together and it’s been so much fun. We have a couple Lego sets at home we built together :)


Chunky_pickle

That’s an interesting way of seeing it- I’m definitely not the same person now as I was growing up. My childhood was over at 11 for me when puberty hit and life went from fun and mostly carefree to battling dysphoria that just grew stronger as my body continued to change in the exact ways I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to be seen or stand out and actively avoided those kinds of instances and activities. Same with meeting new people and being read as a guy on first impression but then having them learn I was female. The awkwardness was insanely high and that overwrote any fun that could be had. So I’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for now that I finally feel like myself and want to take things on again. For me it’s not about doing things that seem childish or young and afraid of the optics- it’s about realizing what gaps do exist and how I can fill them now to feel fulfilled and complete in my experience. Inviting joy back into my life after being tossed out in favor just getting by and functioning in a world that wasn’t meant for me. Now it’s my turn to have some fun.


altoidgrenade

For a long time, especially as a kid, I would watch a lot of media that was for/was geared around young boys. My dad showed me a lot of what he watch growing up, I watched and found a lot of tv shows and movies about young mens coming of age, shounen anime, etc. I would also watch a lot of “men’s” sports and bond with boys my age. I’ve known my whole life I was supposed to grow up to be a man, but every time I tried (as a kid) to be myself I was always very brutally shut down by my family. So while I would watch Barbie or Bratz movies, I never related to those characters. Instead I lived vicariously through male protagonists in shows like DBZ, GI Joe, Power Rangers, etc. Now though, I channel that into hobbies I wasn’t allowed to have, like MMA, I can go to NASCAR without being harassed, I can be silly and goofy and buy the toys I wanted.


Chunky_pickle

Sounds like you’re well on your way to reclaiming the lost time and rewriting history on your terms!


someguynamedcole

I’ve talked about this a bit in therapy as well. So far I’ve gotten into hiking, fishing, FPS games, and camping since I wasn’t allowed to do any of those activities growing up. I also have a small rc car I race around my apartment, a growing collection of colorful socks/sunglasses/hats, and eat sugary cereal for breakfast during weekends. Next for me would be dirt biking and snowboarding but I’ll need to buy the gear for that and would likely need a truck, especially for the former. I don’t do any of this stuff in groups since in my experience most cis guys have been doing their hobbies since age 5 and I don’t have PhD-level knowledge of any of this shit.


Chunky_pickle

Interesting I’m not the only one this has come up for in therapy sessions- I think it’s a lot bigger of a thing than I initially thought it was and there’s some major opportunity for growth and healing through it. The little things do make a difference- collections and just being able to do what you want when you want to without being policed by others for your choices. I’m prepping for another surgery and tonight when I was getting groceries I saw they had the Dino hatching oatmeal on sale. I figured why not- it’s been decades since I had that and if there’s any time I should be indulging in fun foods it’s post-op when I’m miserable and sore. And I’m looking forward to eating it now. Same thing with fun bandaids- I just found both Batman and Tonka bandaids and I was much more excited by that discovery than any 30 year-old man would reasonably be. But those are things I’ve loved my whole life and I just finally get to experience now. I know what you mean about doing activities with guys when they have so much more experience and skill than you do as a total beginner. It’s intimidating and scary. I’ve found it helps to find a guy who likes to teach and use his knowledge to build your own up faster. Also gives an excuse to spend time with guys doing “guy things” and feeling included.


someguynamedcole

We’re single-handedly keeping the sugary cereal industry afloat haha I’ll keep that in mind about finding more pedagogical types of guys, it’s hard to not feel inadequate at times


Scary_Debt4635

Going outside and playing catch with other trans male friends has been really fun and cathartic for me


Chunky_pickle

Nice you’ve been able to do things as a group and all share the joy and experience!


BiggestEgg

Like the folks upthread, I was sick with jealousy that my brother got to do boy scouts. Probably why I have a pocket knife collection today. I do combat sports and that more than adequately gives me a roughhousing fix. And I've got a killer retro gaming setup because back in the 90s, video games were "for boys." More broadly, it's been clothes. I got bullied relentlessly by my mother and peers at school for not looking feminine enough/too masc. So once I got out of the Navy and could wear what I wanted, I dove really hard into mens fashion. It's a hobby I feel very strongly about, and has only continued to bring me joy once transitioning gave me the right body. The part that really pings the little boy within is def my black leather motorcycle jacket. I desperately wanted one as a kid, bu no that was "for boys." Well fuck her, I'm a boy and all the things are for me now.


Chunky_pickle

I never got to experience roughhousing growing up- having a little sister I wasn’t allowed to do anything physical with her. Unless we both had sockem boppers on our hands… so part of me does want to get into something like BJJ and have an opportunity to be physical and fight with other guys in a sporting way. I feel you hard on clothes too. My clothing and gender presentation was the single biggest strife with my parents growing up with me only wearing boys/men’s clothes my whole life. But it wasn’t the clothes I actually wanted or that fit like they should because my body wasn’t right for it. I just looked frumpy and not put together. Transitioning and having top surgery gave me a whole new lens on fashion and clothes and I finally took some pride and interest in what I wore and how I looked. It was such a nice change. Now I can wear whatever I want and feel confident and comfortable.


Pristine-Bread-2936

Ive been trying to do this right now. Im in band and we usually have rehearsal on the first floor but all our stuff is on the second floor. I try to carry as much as i can and hold stuff for others, especially the girls but not get too close. Spending all my time running, listening to music, joking and being monotone as in not showing too much emotion. Its pretty fun because i relate more to the guys now instead of the girls


Chunky_pickle

Nice you get a chance to do the stuff you want to while it’s still within your realm of lived experience while growing up vs after the fact- enjoy it!


introbook

Nerf gun battle sounds epic! I've gotta do that with my kids and their friends once it gets a little warmer. I was lucky that I got to do karate as a kid and it was my THING, I even made it to black belt. My dad also taught me how to do some pretty good blanket forts. I've been doing Lego kits which are really fun. I'm trying to learn more about baseball cause I was always shut out of that. And at some point I'd like to get into woodworking. My dad used to literally push me aside when I tried learning from him as a kid (he did construction when he was young and would sometimes do projects around the house).


Chunky_pickle

Lego is my biggest solo hobby- something I’ve loved my whole life. I’d like to spend time with my dad learning the skills he has now that he’s retired and has the time to teach me. Woodworking, welding, CNC machining, forging, and car stuff. Things I’ve been exposed to forever but haven’t really had the interest to dive into. Would be a good opportunity for father/son bonding time too.


ForestAwakes

I’ve been doing a lot of this. I missed out on a lot of fun kid stuff as, like you, I had a protection mechanism due to not knowing I was trans. As well I also have very protective parents that made being impulsive as a kid not really an option (they are wonderful parents but like all have flaws). It’s been hard to get to a point where I just let myself be excited about things even if I know they are usually seen as “immature”. One of the main things I’ve done is try a bunch of hobbies I was always interested in but never pursued because I felt I would be ridiculed by peers for various reasons. I’ve tried owning a small aquarium, skateboarding (holy shit not for me), electronic repair and modding, playing more video games and ones I’m nostalgic for again, playing more board games, watching shows and movies from when I was a kid or ones I wanted to see and missed out on. Recently it’s been 3D printing. The main ones that have stuck with me have been maker type hobbies. I also bought a nostalgic game console from my childhood and modded it and got it up and running. Super satisfying and cozy experience. If your space/life allows and you are the type for it, owning a pet (after thorough research) is a great way to loosen up your expectations and let yourself act childish. They can be great companions in letting yourself be goofy, and also can help with routine building and heading outside more often (things I’ve struggled with in the past). I think that’s my main advice, my Spouse and I happen to also be very goofy people so sometimes it’s hard when you don’t have another goof to goof with. A goofy friend can of course fill this role just as well!


Chunky_pickle

Solo hobbies are something I was able to pretty much do as I wanted growing up and I think I still know what I like- there’s maybe a few that got put off but the majority I was able to undertake at the time. For me, I think it’s more experiential stuff I feel is missing. Especially stuff with other people. I’ve always been a serious person and not one to goof around- mainly because I had to grow up so fast to manage dysphoria and prioritize life around that. But I think there is some merit in that carefreeness too. Having a goofy friend would make a huge difference- that’s a big part of why I feel like I need to find a partner now. To have that companion to share my interests and joy with, assuming she is into those things too. Same with making new adult guy friends. On my list but easier said than done! I have a cat and he is definitely an outlet for goofiness and letting my guard down to have fun. I live alone and work from home and there have been times where he’s the only living thing I’ve interacted with physically in at least a few days. Sometimes a full week until I head out for groceries or see people on the weekend.


ForestAwakes

Maybe a good place to start would be putting yourself out there more often. Make a plan for a short walk everyday to a place you like and make an effort to have more than basic conversations with people, even just cashiers etc. It’s helpful for me. I’m pretty shy/reserved around people I don’t know so it always helps me to even have little conversations and get myself out of the house. I feel that when it comes to meeting new people. I’m the sort to either make friends through my Spouse or through work/college. I’m terrible at meeting new people just out and about. Lol


Kingversacegarbage

I still play with nerf guns and gta rp like a lot of men my age do. The benefits of being Gen Z is being 25 and being able to get away with having childish interests like video games, and modding toys. Crazy how 15 years ago, people would shit on you for being 25 and still playing video games.


Chunky_pickle

Yeah times have definitely changed- I’m personally not too concerned with being judged for what I do. I know it’s about me and I need to do the things that I missed out on so I can move forward regardless of how childish it may seem from the outside.


NearlyHere1

My therapist and I have been talking about this too, I decided I wanted to learn and do everything I wanted to when I was younger, I don’t care how silly I look being 26 learning how to skateboard in a parking lot lol. Trans men miss out on so many beautiful little boy moments. I was such an athletic kid until I hit 8th grade and tried to be “normal”. I used to love playing sports, but as I got older and developed breasts and went through puberty I became so insecure I stopped doing the things I loved. so now I’m thinking of joining an adult football league (I hate saying soccer), even though I haven’t played a sport in about 13 years haha. I’ve been on T for about 7 years, and sometimes I feel like I’m 7 years old. Everything is new, I’m curious about trying new things, my emotions feel new, and my heart feels new. So try new things. Buy that toy you always wanted, take a local class you’re interested in, do what little you always wanted to


Chunky_pickle

Same. Life was pretty great until I was 11 then puberty hit and it went downhill from there. I was a DD by 12 and that was the point I stopped running and swimming. The dysphoria was too strong to keep it up. I played goalie for soccer and basketball and field hockey but the really active sports I loved I just couldn’t anymore. Transitioning and top surgery gave me that back. I definitely missed out on a lot of those awesome little boy moments and I think getting them back a couple decades too late will be really beneficial. Get some closure and feel the joy and excitement I needed back then. Lots of opportunity now that I’m feeling confident and happy and more outgoing to try things and take some risks. I have no shame in having toys and “kid” stuff around- [this](https://postimg.cc/jLw0FZQx) is my plant shelf and I have Lego models on every flat surface I don’t need to use in daily life… and I like that I’m able to display those things still. I was big into Lego growing up and just got back into it a few years ago. Giving up something because of an arbitrary age or it no longer being “cool” wasn’t a good enough reason to drop a hobby now looking back on it… restarting that hobby was the catalyst to see what else is still missing.


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Chunky_pickle

That’s awesome your parents went along with it- my experience was similar but my parents still “she’d” me and corrected people every time they thought I was a boy. I thought I had a small penis too. Wore only boys clothes from toddlerhood on and won the haircut battle at 6 (mullet before then). All my photos I look like a boy, no question. I also got “for boys” books growing up vs the “for girls” ones my sister got. I was allowed to swim in just shorts until kindergarten then I had to wear a girls bathing suit. Hated it so much. Did the best I could to assert my gender but people just wouldn’t go along with it so it ended up being incredibly awkward. Also had a gender neutral name. How did you handle school, bathrooms, and puberty? Those were the worst moments for me where “girl” was forced on me no matter what.


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Chunky_pickle

Ah yeah very different experiences then- my parents were both always around and were not happy with how assertive I was about being a boy. I fought tooth and nail and usually won but it was the biggest point of strife in my family. And still is- especially with surgeries ongoing. I unfortunately was hit with a massive chest early on- end of my childhood was when I was forced to go bra shopping at 11. I already had DD by then so it had to happen. But I knew that would be the last time I’d ever wear just a t-shirt. And boys don’t wear bras. But still managed to pass as a boy despite my massive chest. If nobody corrected anyone I would have been able to live as a boy just fine. But people would not leave it alone. So I was forced to use girls bathrooms and play on girls teams. And it sucked. Ever since I was 5 I’ve been harassed in bathrooms- I have always felt way safer in the men’s than the women’s. Even decades before coming out. Being verbally and physically assaulted by angry women and dragged out by security is no fun. I just wanted to pee, but couldn’t use the men’s because people who knew me would say something. I had no place to go. Only when I was traveling was it safe to use the men’s bathroom, and after witnessing the abuse I got in the women’s my mom told me to just use the men’s since it was easier for everyone. That was the best part about traveling for me. I’m intersex and unfortunately went through both versions of puberty. Not a fun time. My voice also dropped and I grew and Adam’s apple as well as got taller, hairier, and more muscular around 14/15. The only female aspect about me was my chest. Living with that dysphoria was rough. I told my mom at 8 that *if* my chest grew I would get it cut off. I didn’t believe it would happen because that didn’t happen to boys. Which I was. Also rudely got hit with wicked endometriosis that I did not get treated for over a decade out of shame and embarrassment. Stupid teenage me should have just sucked it up and got the meds. Would have saved so much pain and suffering… When you say you have always had a penis, what do you mean by that? Like anatomically that’s physically what it was or just how you viewed what you did have? I have been obsessed with being able to stand to pee since I was super little- like 3-4. Constantly was peeing on the floor and getting caught trying. I built STPs from about 6 onwards to try and make it happen but rarely was successful. This was at least 10 years before STPs were even a consideration as a thing to be available. And also pre-internet so the only ideas I had were mine. Getting meta and finally being able to stand and pee with my own penis is a dream come true. It’s such a feeling of rightness and totally natural. I never saw myself as a girl or felt like one at all. The only reason I had to was because it was thrust upon me by people who knew what genitals I had and decided that was what I was no questions asked. And if someone saw me otherwise they had to correct them and make sure that person now knew I was a girl too. Didn’t matter how much I fought and explained, once they were in the know I was no longer seen as a boy by them. To total strangers I was always seen as male. It was incredibly awkward navigating a world where some people knew I was female and others read me as male. Being in mixed company super sucked that way…


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Chunky_pickle

Thanks for the reply- I’ll follow up privately with some additional questions in case this is getting too personal.


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shipofth3seus

That's OPs point. He didn't get to live as a little boy and wants to remedy the feeling of missing out, part of that is referring to himself as he probably


Chunky_pickle

I’ve known I was male since I was a toddler and believed I was a boy until kindergarten and was told otherwise repeatedly when I tried to use the boys bathroom. The principal had to bring my parents in for a meeting to sit down about it… So because I’ve known for so long and been closeted literally my entire life, using “he” fits for me. I did everything I could to be seen and treated as a boy and passed since pre-school. “She” and “they” are not my pronouns and never were- they were forced on me by others. I’m also intersex so technically I was never a “she” biologically either. So when I get to pick, I pick what is right for me. Lots of “childhood” things can be done at other ages too- being able to experience something at a later age doesn’t make it wrong or fake. Having fun and enjoying play is for everyone. If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone in the process, then go for it. I’ve read a number of times that if you are trying to find a hobby as an adult, do what you liked when you were 10 since chances are you still will enjoy it. And there’s lots of stuff left that I want to try from then. As a kid/teen I didn’t focus on fun- dysphoria hit me as a toddler and managing that solo growing up while still functioning and doing well at school was more than enough to max out my resources. While I appeared “normal” and mostly happy on the outside, I was actually sad, angry, and alone. And my young adult years were robbed with medical issues. So now is my chance to actually enjoy myself and do what has been delayed all these years.


almightypines

I think OP already answered this well, but I refer to my childhood self as “he” also. I knew I was a boy when I was 5-6, cut my hair at 6, was “mistaken” as a boy almost my entire childhood up until I was 18 when I came out as trans. I mostly played with boys, most of my closest friends were boys, I wanted to play sports with the boys, join scouts with the boys, I wore as much boys clothes I could get away with, most of my interests were masculine aligned with traditional boyhood, I wasn’t particularly socialized as a girl because I was raised rather the same as my brother was, etc. I got lectured by my guidance counselor because I had too many friends who were boys, was lectured for being in the boys bathroom, and then when I was in the girl’s was lectured for that also. Almost everything associated with girls, girlhood, and femininity was forced on me by other people, and I had no real inner concept of being a girl or being non-binary.