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WILDD UPDATE - Guilt - thinking of ending my (29F) 10-year marriage to my husband (32M)

WILDD UPDATE - Guilt - thinking of ending my (29F) 10-year marriage to my husband (32M)

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> I was called “gold-digger” This is particularly hilarious because it sounds like you were the one paying the bills. Good lord, thank god you got away from this dude.


DiTrastevere

Literally any time a woman is deemed insufficiently supportive of a sad/angry partner, there will be at least one comment implying (or outright stating) that she sees him as nothing more than a meal ticket - regardless of their actual financial situation. Lotta people out there who are *very* quick to throw that accusation around.


marmalademango

Can’t dig for gold you don’t have. I love when people say dumb stuff like that. Like unless you’re secretly a millionaire coming into an inheritance you’ll have to miss me with that 50k salary. That’s more like copper digging


speedycat2014

That sort of comment is always made by insecure men who are projecting their own shortcomings *hard*. There are a surprising number of men out there who just cannot *cope* with women being successful because they are not. And Reddit is a magnet for them.


RudeJuggernaut

I dont think the social media platforn matters. On sportscenter IG and similar they make posts about couples who have been dating since 9th grade and the man of the couple in the nfl. Same comments of "golddigger" happens even tho when they started dating, the man had no clear future in the NFL. Im a dude and i find that disrespectful b/c not every wife/gf of a millionaire is shallow like that


mercedes_lakitu

It's just baked into our cultural DNA at this point. I hate it. During a rocky time in our marriage, my husband accused me of only seeing him as a paycheck (when I wanted him to maintain an LLC to protect family funds from his business startup idea, in case he got sued) despite the fact that i made, and have almost always made, more money than him. (He got better about this after I convinced him to go to therapy with me, and I think/hope/believe that he now believes me that I don't give a shit about his paycheck, but... Yeah.)


Robot_Girlfriend

I like to call it "sleeping my way to the middle" 💪


greffedufois

Same with gaslighting. Anytime someone says something or simply misremembered then they immediately scream 'gaslighting!'. I'm on a lot of medications and my memory sucks. I'm not gaslighting my husband if I forgot to tell him to mail a letter thinking I did for gods sake. It's just a miscommunication and it's no big deal. Op I have several family members with BPD and they are difficult to be around. Some people can manage it with meds and therapy, but a lot don't think they have any problems or that they know better (that's more narcissism but still) and refuse. I'm glad you're divorced from someone who expected you to just mother him forever. And the shit that came out...good lord... I hope you continue rising in your career and make a difference. I'm rooting for you!


dong_tea

The only person who mentioned "gold-digger" in that thread was the OP herself. Which I found odd, because like you said, it doesn't apply. And now she brings it up again. Complaining about an insult she created about herself. It's very weird.


tides_and_tows

I mean, there are a TON of comments on that post. Did you read them all for sure and know that none of them called OP a gold digger?


quartzoflife

Also we don't know if anyone directly messaged her either...


Lowcal_calzone_z0n3_

Yeah! plus yanno ..pms are a thing too?..


StarStuffSister

And also her DMs? I'm amused when anyone thinks women have it too easy on the internet.


beigs

I got doxxed on my other account. It was terrifying. I’ve been on Reddit 15 years about, and I had to abandon my main account because people are creepy to women on the internet


niceworkthere

121 comments is the very opposite of "a ton", there's no nested comment chain either so you can just open the page's source code and do C+f. Yielding one result: >I guess I'm just a huge gold-digger. Kinda moot though since she's implicitly including other insults or PMs. *edit:* Happy to let the indignant enjoy huffing & puffing self-righteously for the crime of merely mentioning that. *edit2:* … and now the mods removed her submission, funny how that goes.


BakesThings

People suggested it without outright saying it with that word, so ctrl-f wouldn't catch it. You'd have to actually read and understand the comments to notice that people were essentially calling her a gold digger.


niceworkthere

Calling the wife of an unemployed poor, explicitly described so, a *gold-digger*? Are you drunk? You haven't looked at it, liar. Oh and I did survey the comments and the reproaching ones are instead accusing her of the very opposite of being a gold-digger – as being obsessed with her job. It's just weird to put it in quotes, claiming it was directly spoken to her. But whatever, it's a minor detail compared to the overall matter.


Professional-Pause-6

Stop gaslighting women. That thread was endless comments about me "only being concerned about my ex bringing in money/showing off my job". It was inferred that I am a gold-digger. If your take away from all of this is that I am "complaining about an insult I created" I'd bet money on you being an abusive POS too.


ig0t_somprobloms

“Complaining about an insult I created” if I had a dollar for every time a man used this line when I confronted him for doing something hurtful I’d be richer than bezos himself could dream lmao


Manbearpig9801

Its very interesting you straight up go there with the abusive accusation.


dong_tea

I don't think you know what gaslighting or gold-digging mean, showing off your job is not "gold-digging". My takeaway is he sounds terrible, but also that your comment was odd. I posted the latter because other people had already covered the "you poor thing" posts.


deadlysnek

Heh, guess you wanted to cover gaslighting.


dong_tea

Stop gold-digging me.


you-create-energy

This made me chuckle. Looks like you tripped over a fuck ton of bad memories and projection from several different people. None of them can dispute your actual point, but the way you made it reminds them of an ex or whatever. Some people would rather try to shame you into silence rather than acknowledge you might have a point.


ig0t_somprobloms

Almost like abusive people convince you you’re doing things you’re not (by gaslighting) so when you try to seek help from other people by describing the situation they will pick up the thread of self doubt that was left behind and can re-enforce the abuse for the abuser and make it harder to escape.


StarStuffSister

Honey, we get it. When women bring up horrible things, you pretend they're having a hysterical reaction. Cool. We get it. Stop proving you suck.


dong_tea

What are these arguments? If I started a thread like, "My girl cheated on me, also 5+5=55". I would expect more than one person to comment "Hey, I don't think your math checks out".


you-create-energy

Sweetie, it's ok, you don't need to get so emotional about being wrong. Isn't being passive aggressive fun? It's a great fallback when someone else makes a point we can't dispute


donttextspeaktome

Jesus! Did you even read the comments?! Or I dunno... use your brain? Dude was poor! He married UP! And still cheating on her and using PTSD as an excuse!


dong_tea

Uh, yes, if you referred to the guy as a gold-digger that would be more applicable. But she said people were accusing her of being a gold-digger, twice. Which is why I thought it was weird. Are you sure you read the thread? Am I now being gaslighted? Is up *down*?


StarStuffSister

We read it. We're not doing anything except being embarrassed for you.


YeetMeepRee

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You did the right thing by getting out and I wish you the best. Threatening to leak a sex tape is just so unbelievably low and abusive to you, personality disorder or not.


walk_through_this

Pretty sure threatening to leak a sex tape is also illegal, especially if it was recorded without the parties' consent.


animestory99

Unfortunately been in this situation before and there is nothing that can really be done unless you’re underage. I went to the cops and all they could do was intimidate the guy, luckily it worked but I learned to never ever share pictures/videos of yourself.


welovethepope

I wonder if she could have a different outcome considering it was recorded without her knowledge. But you’re right in that I don’t think he could be forced to delete it, only threatened?


QuietLifter

It's revenge porn, which is a criminal offense in many jurisdictions. Depending on what he's demanding in return for not releasing the videos it could be extortion/blackmail, which is a criminal offense.


welovethepope

It kind of sounds like he’s just trying to hold power over her head rather than demanding anything from her. He just wants her to know he could do this to her.


squeak93

Only if the ex admits it was taken without her consent. When it comes to domestic issues the cops often throw up their hands because it boils down to he said she said.


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ComaeBerenices

I’ve read the original post and oh boy, that comment section was sooo damn toxic and wild. I’m glad you got out the relationship and just keep going forward, kudos to you. You got it! Also i completely agree with trusting your gut/funny feeling about the relationship, no matter how surreal the gut feeling might have been, in the end it’s always right.


donttextspeaktome

Yeah I don’t freaking get it. I read it before I read this post of OPs. Wth is wrong with people!


you-create-energy

You're right, the one thing this sub doesn't have enough of is calls to break up a 10 year marriage after two months of depressed unemployment. /s It turns out that she was misrepresenting the situation, but that is the description people were responding to.


lanebanethrowaway

I actually disagree. The comment section (at least the top posts) were based on the information presented. If it was a woman who just lost her job 2 months ago and was depressed I would’ve suggested what most posters did there, to go to counseling and not give up on a 10 year relationship to a “great partner”. Anyway, I’m thankful OP did trust her gut and found out the truth!


Freshiiiiii

Trust your guy indeed. And I hope commenters here take this as a word of warning about how unreliable the narrative on these posts can be, and to not judge a situation too strongly on Reddit until you know 100% of the context. Sometimes the hive mind instinct gets too strong even when trying to be level-headed.


home-for-good

I’m glad your finally out of that relationship, but I just wanted to note that both recording a sex tape without consent and releasing a sex tape without consent are both illegal in many places. Just in case you weren’t aware you may have some legal grounds with regards to that threat, and at the very least if he follows through.


michaela433

Commenting because no one else has mentioned! You should defiantly take action against those tapes he has, at least to get him to get rid. Hope all is well and sorry you had to deal with this. Edit: others have mentioned this thankfully! But yes I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in most places.


Utterlybored

Your three enumerated shocking epiphanies certainly would leave almost anyone to call it quits.


randomtrue5678

Good for you! I hope you find happiness.


dragnbyte

read a lot of comments on your other post and I just feel like you received way too much hate for no reason. I hope this gave you clarity. best of luck! you deserve the sun and the moon.


CosmicConfusion94

1. Wow so many issues. And based on your last post you all seemed very incompatible. 2. 29 is not too old for dating at all! It’s gonna be harder because you haven’t had a lot of practice, but I met my love when he was 29 and because we’re both in our late 20’s and it felt good and he was what I wanted on a fundamental level we moved fast. Hoping to get some kids out of him by the time he’s 32. Also at 29 you’re more likely to find a career driven man like yourself. I know I said you won’t be dating for awhile anyways but keep in mind women have had kids at 34, 37, 39, etc. so you have time! 3. Idk why people were calling you a gold digger when your biggest issue was his lack of effort for ANYTHING 🙄 and now turns out he’s a liar too. Good for you lady!


IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIIlI

Reddit is as Reddit does. Sometimes you get great advice. Sometimes it's the first few weeks of school and a bunch of drunk and bored kids flood everything with the advice of 18 year olds living on their own for the first time in life.


Last_Discipline_9753

I’m happy you got out and can start over! You deserve happiness and it’s never too late to start over.


modernvintage

Just wanted to say, BPD isn’t a terrifying diagnosis and doesn’t make someone evil or bad—your ex husband is evil and bad and just also happens to have a personality disorder. I’m really glad that you got out and I wish you happiness and healthy relationships going forward!


thehobb1t

I have BPD and it made me sad to read that in her post. Thank you for saying this.


Professional-Pause-6

I see what you're saying - I don't think I worded what I was trying to say correctly. I was trying to say in a sense I understood being afraid to tell someone. BUT the lying about it to both me and the therapist was the scary part. I struggle with depression and anxiety - I know there's a stigma around mental health. I appreciate the comment and hope this explanation makes sense.


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modernvintage

But again, BPD isn’t a “worst case diagnosis” and referring to it as such furthers stigma, pushes people away from receiving treatment that could result in that diagnosis, and harms people with BPD. No mental health condition is a “worst case diagnosis,” they’re just all different.


tonepoems

Upvoting all your comments because I came to say the same thing! Also that just like every other disorder, there's a spectrum. But even with that - living with or living with someone with BPD definitely gets an unfair shake, so thank you for speaking up. Bonus: all the skills we've learned between DBT, couples therapy, and just in general being more conscious of validating someone else's feelings and thoughts, plus learning how to create healthy boundaries are general life skills I'm so grateful to have now as a result. *Source: Happily married for 12+ years to husband living with (quiet) BPD.*


Luna997

I think it was perfectly okay to say that the diagnosis is terrifying because it is. It’s one of the hardest mental illnesses to treat.


Grampy_Goobies_Money

It's actually not. I don't know why that myth is so common. BPD is extremely responsive to therapy and the disorder causes so much agony for the person who has it that they are more likely to seek help than people with other forms of mental illness. Regardless of all that, I'm so sorry OP was deceived in the way she was and I hope she's able to heal and find healthy love with a partner on equal footing.


modernvintage

This is actually very not true, BPD responds very well to DBT and is entirely treatable!


Meownowwow

You should know that whenever bpd is mentioned in this sub, there’s always a handful of accounts that start responding and commenting strongly on any mention of it in a very “pro-bpd/personality disorders aren’t bad” manner. I suspect it gets mentioned in the bpd sub or something. You should probably ignore these comments, they’re not concerned with your post, they’re just imagining perceived slights, and are concerned with their agenda and basically just waste ops time.


modernvintage

Nope lmao I frequent the relationships subreddit and just happened across this post. Nobody is pro-personality disorders my dude, they are immensely painful for the people that have to suffer with them and anyone in their right mind wants people with them to seek effective treatment. We just recognize that fueling stigma is a way to push people away from treatment that would help them and the people they love.


Meownowwow

There’s already literally multiple different accounts already doing exactly what I warned her about. This occurs EVERY time bpd is mentioned in a post, whether the person is abusive or not, whether op talks badly about the personality disorder or not, and it’s really exhausting and invalidating for the poster. So congratulations, you’ve once again pushed the narrative away from ops problems and made the conversation about your “stigma” despite the fact that she barely mentioned bpd and didn’t blame it on his behavior.


modernvintage

I do too and felt the same, I’m glad you got some reassurance from my comment


srhlzbth731

Expanding on what OP has commented, I think the "terrifying" part of the diagnosis was more so that her husband of a decade was dealing with a difficult mental health issue (which can be difficult enough to manage even with all the love and support in the world) and had been hiding it from her for years. Less that people with BPD are terrifying


Meownowwow

It’s not always about you


-SnowedUnder-

Only if it’s treated. Untreated is a fucking nightmare. They are the disorder, it paints their entire personality. This isn’t some minor ailment, it’s serious and Reddit’s attempt to play it down helps no-one.


superstar9976

Reddit loves to pretend BPD is fine. I was with someone who refused to get her BPD treated for years. She left me with PTSD like symptoms for a year after the trainwreck of our relationship burned up. All due to her BPD symptoms. Reddit has no care or sympathy at all for us who get caught up in their madness.


modernvintage

This is a massive overgeneralization, there are people with “quiet” BPD that internalize all of their feelings who you would never know had it


modernvintage

Since you edited, I’ll reply again. This is a massive overgeneralization that helps no one and harms many. Nobody is downplaying that BPD is a serious mental health condition, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to say that people who have it “are the disorder” and to lump us all in together as being evil.


kimpossible11

Jesus. The gas. It's so lit.


FUJIMO1978

The easiest way to manipulate someone is via guilt. If we arguing and I'm not winning, I can just remind you of some shit you did to me that is likely completely unrelated the the current situation. You have trained me what you can't handle through not setting boundaries. Most guilt is inappropriate guilt anyways. Good for you. Never do toxic again please. 😃👍👍


mydaycake

The mental illness and even the cheating I could have tried to work it out, maybe. But a child he doesn’t care and blackmail/ threats. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it either. We are happy you are on your own and healing. You will have meaningful and trustworthy relationships in the future, keep the therapy and self care.


ig0t_somprobloms

YAAAY IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! when I escaped my ex who did similar abusive stuff to me, I still remember how awesome those first months away where, there’s so much relief and joy. You’ve got so much fun in store for you. I know just how you feel about never wanting to see or speak to him again. When it all comes out that’s all you want. Don’t let anyone tell you you’ve got to speak to him unless it’s a court.


VitaminGG

Good for you on moving forward. BPD does some serious shit to someone's mental space and how they interact with others. Nobody deserves to suffer from their not handling it properly though. I have an ex (diagnosed BPD) that persistently kept me on eggshells after threatening to leave or divorce me countless times. Eventually I became numb to it and just said okay let's do it. Took a while to bring my attachment style back to a more secure place. You deserve better, take good care of yourself.


Totalherenow

Wow. Glad you got out! Also, you sound like an amazing person with an interesting and fulfilling career. It's probably going to take some time to get process what happened in your marriage, but I'm sure your future is bright. Ignore the trolls - they're just projecting their own inside nastiness.


a5htra1l

I hate the amount of coddling that goes on once someone says they have depression. It’s turning into a blank card to be a POS. Using depression as an excuse to guilt people into staying with someone is fucked up. I wish people would stop saying that. They’re grown and also have a choice to make, get better for the other person or let them go. Good for you OP, 29 is within the time frame people meet their life partners. Go recover and get healthy. There are great men out here👊🏿


lavenderskyes

hollllly shiiii... good thing you got out. as for people calling you all sorts of names on your original post..reddit doesn't exactly look at issues in relationships from a women's POV in a ...ahem.. favorable light? is that a polite way of putting it.


Healing_touch

Omg this literally happened to meeee. He was my fiancé not my husband thank god but omg so much of this could have come from my mouth. I’m so sorry. That shit was a lot to deal with and I’ve been there ): It was 2 years ago in November. If you ever need to talk, let’s do it


Chemikell

Time out. The ex-husband’s therapist took on the ex-wife as a client and divulged info about the ex-husband to her? Am I misunderstanding this?


DiTrastevere

It’s not uncommon for the partner of a client to be brought into a session with the client’s therapist - with the consent of the client, of course. This is usually an effort to help the spouse understand the client’s particular issues and talk with the therapist about putting together a support plan at home. Unfortunately for OP *and* the therapist, this guy had lied to both of them: > The therapist asked me how I was coping with that news; apparently, my ex told his therapist that he had told me. If he told his therapist that his wife already knew his diagnosis, there was no way for the therapist to know they were dropping any bombs in this conversation. I couldn’t say if this guy just forgot that he’d lied to his therapist about this or what, but that seems to be the case.


Professional-Pause-6

Yes. I think he forgot about lying to the therapist. Our session was not even about the BPD - it was about our relationship. He's a habitual liar/manipulator. His family found out about us being separated when his Aunt called me and asked if I wanted to grab lunch with her last Christmas. I was the one that told her we were no longer together. He was acting as if nothing happened and told no one about what was going on.


Chemikell

Thanks for clarifying.


DiTrastevere

I went through this with an ex once I’d twisted his arm into going to therapy to address his alcohol problems. The therapist wanted to talk to *me* as well, both to get a little more perspective on the scope of his problems and to advise me on boundary-setting and ideas for how to handle the problem at home. I have firsthand experience with this and I find OP’s story credible.


The-Sentinel

Even if this is the way it went (which I'm pretty sceptical of) it's a massive breach of the arrangements for a therapist to just drop that kind of bombshell. Therapists should always assume what they're talking about is confidential and invite the client to say what's on their mind.


DiTrastevere

If this guy told his therapist explicitly that the diagnosis was not a secret from his wife, and *also* gave the therapist permission to speak with her about him, then no, there was no breach and this was all above board. The only person who fucked up was the guy who lost track of who he was lying to about what.


squeak93

He told the therapist he told his spouse his diagnosis. Its not uncommon for spouses to join in on sessions of folks who deal with serious mental health issues. It's often seen as extremely helpful for the person's closest support system to play a role in treatment. The therapist had permission to speak with the client's spouse and didn't purposefully divelge information the spouse didn't already (supposedly) know. Op's husband lied to the therapist and lied to op. How were they supposed to know that?


PrincessKatarina

> it's a massive breach of the arrangements for a therapist to just drop that kind of bombshell From the therapist perspective it wasn't a bombshell. They thought op already knew because ex-husband told the therapist she knew


srhlzbth731

I believe you are misunderstanding - OP means that her and her husband did a group session with his therapist. It is not at all uncommon to occasionally bring your partner into therapy to have discussions about your relationship or supporting a partner through mental illness or things like that. And the therapist wasn't dropping a bombshell. The husband had repeatedly lied to his therapist that OP was well aware of his BPD diagnosis, so the therapist brought up his mental health disorder that she believed to be public, common knowledge of everyone in the room.


Chemikell

Thank you for taking a moment to clarify


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Not-A-SoggyBagel

Therapists can do this. They have consent and HIPAA forms at the front desk, which most people sign without listening to us explain the bit that information can be shared between spouses during specific sessions. If you don't sign it, then they will keep information separated. This technique is common in couples or marriage counseling. It's so the therapist can hear both sides of the story. Sometimes with one spouse at a time. If a patient has been diagnosed with BPD or NPD, this technique is probably going to be used because the afflicted patient is more likely to lie during treatment or omit details. If the therapist suspects that something isn't right, they can ask the spouse to confirm or deny parts of a story or whatever they feel isn't correct. OPs ex lied and said that he shared his diagnosis with her, the therapist shared the info with OP not knowing it was a lie. That happens.


thiscatcameback

He sounds anti-social AF


rad_avenger

Yes, yes, that qualifies as wild. Glad to hear you're doing better!


vabirder

Hopefully, you didn’t have any children with him. Although I’d bet that you wouldn’t have tolerated his treatment of them. We tend to notice abuse of others before ourselves. I held a big dinner party at my home the evening before my daughter’s bat mitzvah. I later learned that the husband of one of my friends remarked to her that I was behaving like an abused wife. LSS: I was, but didn’t realize it.


sqqueen

Holy crap girl, what a blender ride your life has been. I am immensely proud of you for even just surviving it. Congratulations for making it through and being now in a place to come back and warn others. May the rest of your life be a grilled cheese sandwich in comparison.


parisro

Wow! I feel like I'm looking into a mirror. There are so many things about our situations that are different, but also a lot that is the same. Do you listen to the podcast Therapy for Black Girls? If not, I highly recommend it. And I (30FB) would be down if you were interested in a supportive friendship. I never dated my BPD white male roommate due to similar gut feelings, but he was my best friend for 3.5 years. Really I got wayyyyy too close to him and I'm still processing the giant gas-lighting that was our friendship.


Chin-Balls

/r/BPDlovedones I was in a long term relationship with someone with BPD. That sub saved my life. We've all been through so many similar things and it helps to talk to others that understand the traumas.


-SnowedUnder-

Makes sense, BPD is a complete clusterfuck of a disorder that will eat their partners from the inside out, gaslighting, lying and manipulation is second nature to them. So glad you got away, it’s a waking nightmare.


yesyesnonowhat

Hey, check /r/bpdlovedones . Plenty of people that understand your situation there. Edit: just checked your profile, seems like you already know the place yay


AndyThePig

While I'm really sorry it was traumatic, I'm glad that your path is getting easier. I fully agree, if something feels sketchy, address it and bring it out as carefully and respectfully as possible. Always take the high road. If someone won't talk, it's because they're ashamed or embarrassed about something, or know that they should be. And/Or are having trouble in ways similar to your ex. (often, as you figured out, the one leads to the other). Keep up the good work. And HAVE SOME FUN! Time to get to know yourself a bit! She seems like a great woman, I think you'll get along well.


necriavite

I'm glad you got the hell out of there! Don't look back, just keep moving until you find a place that feels truly safe to you. Someone this unpredictable and dishonest is dangerous so do not let them know anything about where you are in case they get drunk/high/off their meds and come for you. You need to be nowhere he can find you. Share no personal information other than what is required by law if you are still working on the divorce, and all contact through lawyers ONLY. That was the worst of it, from here on it only gets better. You will be okay again, everyday will be a bit better, and try not to blame yourself for not seeing what you weren't allowed to.


GuyD427

You are still fairly young and you dodged a bullet and you have no kid problems to worry about. My dear, your new life starts now and you got out easy. But take it slow as it’s obvious you need to heal.


TheDreadnought75

Congrats on getting out!


foxonaplane

Am so happy you got out! Good luck and well done!


blueloveyou

Good on you for getting the fuck out of that shit show. I read the original post and the comments were toxic as fuck.


lickingblankets

I was in a relationship for years with someone who had BPD as well and I relate to this post on so many levels. I am so so so happy to hear you got out safe and sound (it sounds like) and I am so glad you have snapped out of protecting him and depreciating yourself. I hope you find all the healing you need in therapy and I wish you all the best in this next chapter of your life without him.


YarraYarra

> -follow your instincts... The gut is wise and sees things that the heart and mind refuse to countenance. Look after yourself OP and may you enjoy your life moving forward.


just_lurking_b99

Honey. I broke up with my ex at 31. He was also an emotionally draining depressed white veteran that didn't do much to help himself and I'm a brown woman that fought tooth and nail to become a manager in my industry. Thank you so much for posting this update. If anything, to show the absolutele trash that was in your original post's comment section how wrong they were to judge you and bully you.


[deleted]

BPD has a wide spread of symptoms and severity. Close relative to me probably had it. Ended in suicide. A pain for the surrounding and mostly for the one with it. My relative didn’t get the right treatment, DBT. Been working as a family dr and cbt therapist. Have my own neuropsychological disorder, ADHD. Had a rough first 30 years. Seen a lot of suffering. But the pain I saw in her eyes and the hopelessness was hard to handle. The mood swings , the pain she inflicted on her father. Shit. Neither she nor I believe in any afterlife. So for me she haven’t found peace only the end of suffering for her. Why write this here. Probably bec your ex have behaved as an asshole. BPD is no excuse, but a part of the explanation.


Champigne

Since when do therapists reveal what their clients shared with them in confidence, or did you go together? I'm confused..


Mysterious-Canary842

This sounds terrible but I just want to say as someone with BPD, it is hard to tell people you have the diagnosis because of the stigma attached to it, I know from first hand experiences with how I’ve been made to feel simply because of the diagnosis. He may have felt ashamed. Either way his behaviour aside from the diagnosis is horrendous, I hope you heal from this situation 💛


Ashamed-Net-5330

Good job. Enjoy!!! These experiences are always great to hear


wakeywakeygogetbakey

I’m sorry you went through this, but the way you’ve described finding out he has BPD makes it sound like the worst possible thing to have. I have BPD and yeah, it sucks a lot, both for the person with it and it probably sucks for my partner dealing with it sometimes, but we aren’t evil people. We just have problems with regulating our emotions & have stronger reactions to things. I’m glad you got out of a relationship you didn’t feel was working for you, but people with BPD aren’t ‘terrifying’


Not-A-SoggyBagel

It's not the fact that he has BPD, it's the fact that he hid his diagnosis for 11 years from his wife. He lied to her about his condition. Instead of BPD it could've been that he lied that he had a Cushing's syndrome for example for over a decade. The diagnosis isn't the point, it's the fact that he lied and obfuscated over it. Also BPD could be a deal breaker for some people. It's a hard disorder to manage. A lot of my patients get divorced over BPD. It's not what you want to hear probably but it's a lot to take on if it's been hidden and unmanaged during an entire marriage.


wakeywakeygogetbakey

And that’s fully understandable. I could never imagine hiding a diagnosis like this from my partner, especially for that long. It’s a hard disorder to deal with, both for the person diagnosed, and the people they date. I’d imagine OP felt like their ex’s emotional ‘outbursts’ or episodes were their fault, rather than a symptom of their disorder not being treated the right way. I feel for OP, I really do, I just wanted to put it out there that not all of us are bad people, if you get what I’m trying to say (:


Not-A-SoggyBagel

Yeah it's an incredibly tough disorder. Especially when its left untreated and the symptoms are severe like they sound in OPs case. She felt guilty constantly over her ex's behavior. No one's disorder makes them who they are. I've had good patients and bad patients who had BPD. Good patients tended to be open about how they were feeling and didn't let it control them. Bad patients tended to blame everyone and everything under the sun, denied they had problems, or didn't care who they hurt. It all comes down to the individual person, if they were willing to follow healthy coping mechanisms, treatment plans, and follow through.


[deleted]

Have you ever filmed your partner secretly during sex and then threatened to leak it? I don't think she is saying the BPD made him terrifying. He is all on his own. What he admitted to after is beyond fucked up.


wakeywakeygogetbakey

No and I would never do that. The way she’s phrased it makes it seem like because he had BPD he did all this shit, which is not at all true. While it is true that we do tend to have self destructive habits, it’s *self* destructive, like drug and alcohol abuse (mainly). Our partners are often our ‘favourite person’ and we wouldn’t do anything to intentionally harm them.


[deleted]

It does not read that way to me whatsoever.


wakeywakeygogetbakey

Lol maybe I’m just looking into it differently bc of the BPD 😂


Meownowwow

She didn’t say people with bpd are evil - you are overreacting and reading what you want from her post.


Blarghedy

> Here are some things I found out during that final spat: > > He probably (definitely) cheated on me multiple times > HE MIGHT HAVE A 13-YEAR OLD CHILD & NEVER BOTHERED TO GET A PATERNITY TEST > He has a bunch of sex tapes of us that I did not consent to, which he threatened to leak then > people with BPD aren’t ‘terrifying’ ... this guy seems to be.


thehobb1t

He’s a disgusting human who happens to have BPD. Lots of people with borderline don’t cheat and don’t illegally film sex tapes. This guy is not representative of us.


Blarghedy

Ok. You are now the second person I see saying anything about whether or not one person is representative of people with BPD.


wakeywakeygogetbakey

Just because that one specific guy is scary, does not mean every single person with BPD is. And it’s harmful to assume that we are. Most of us are seen as overly emotional because something tiny can make us react extremely strong and be seen as overreacting or overwhelming to the people around us. (E.g if I fuck dinner up one night I could be upset about it for the next few hours because I can’t regulate my emotions in the way people without the disorder can). Basically what I’m saying is just because this guy who has BPD did shit things, doesn’t mean every other person with BPD will do shit things.


Blarghedy

That's fine. You're literally the only person who I see saying anything about whether or not people with BPD in general are bad.


PasDeTout

So glad you’ve got away from somebody so toxic.


n0rmcore

OH SHIT. Well, look on the bright side, at least this answered the 'do I get divorced or not' question. I'm glad that man is in the garbage where he belongs. You are still so young and even if you were 80 years old it's *never* too late to start over! Good luck!


miniaturetigress

Honestly, I don’t get how you talked to someone’s therapist when it’s against the law for a mental health professional to disclose information without constant of the patient


srhlzbth731

That's not what happened though. The therapist, OP, and the husband had a group therapy session to try and help work through things, and the therapist brought up the BPD diagnosis. The husband had repeatedly lied to the therapist by saying that OP was well aware of his diagnosis, so she wasn't "disclosing" anything, she was discussing something she had been told was common knowledge of everyone in the session.


DiTrastevere

Well, when the patient *does* consent to the session (I’m guessing as a desperate last-ditch attempt to keep the marriage together) and simply forgets that they lied to the therapist about disclosing their diagnosis, this is the result.


chrispythegull

Woman posts about 10 year relationship which she os clearly looking to get out of, gets told by forum that she lacks all sympathy for depressed spouse, then returns to gleefully announce "hey look, I was right, he was a monster, look at all this i found out! OP's story stinks.


bug-a-pottamus

Love this update - good for you for getting out. I was in a similar situation in my 20s - it took me way too long to leave.. and now at almost 40 I'm so glad I left and never looked back. 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤


Pinkfatrat

Geez. Don’t listen to people on the internet. But good for you sorting it out


N0bo_

What a rollercoaster lmao


DaddysPrincesss26

Good for you, girl! 👏🏻👏🏻💯 If it makes you feel any better, my ex Fiancé turned out to be Gay after 6 years together 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂😳


speaker_for_the_dead

WTF? None of this adds up. You dont seem to know the meaning of self deprecating and nobody would call you a gold digger when you state how you came from a rich family and have a director role while he is unemployed. You seriously sound delusional.


thiscatcameback

Did you look at the previous thread?


speaker_for_the_dead

I did. Could you show me where she was being self deprecating, painted her ex in a good light, or where she was called a gold digger? Yes there are tons of comments putting him in a sympathetic light, **none** **from** **her.** **Lie 1** No comments calling her a gold digger. **Lie 2** No where did **she** make self deprecating comments. **Lie 3**


thiscatcameback

No. I am not going to read hundreds of comments, many of which are closed below threshold, to find these specific comments. If you read the messages that are there, you will see that many had a critical tone, suggesting that she should stick with him through the depression. Quickly eyeing the comments, one of the most upvoted comments (with multiple awards) is one in which OP was told that she should leave because he could do better than her. Her post sounded very reasonable and the response was hostile. There are tons if comments psintung him in a sympathetic light.


humaneshell

Did you read the original post?


[deleted]

Sounds like you need to do another reread of both posts.


nate2208t

The therapist would not tell you what your ex told them. This story is fake.


srhlzbth731

They had a group session with the husband's therapist, she didn't track her down on her own and ask her to violate doctor-patient confidentiality. And if the therapist had been told repeatedly that OP was well aware of the husband's BPD, it would come up in that session easily.


SlapHappyDude

In hindsight this guy seems like a piece of work and it's good you are moving on. That said, I'm not totally sure not telling you right away his therapist thinks he has BPD in and of itself is "lying". He did lie to his therapist about telling you which is strange. I respect he may have needed time to process and may have even wanted a second opinion. I guess my feeling is if my therapist told me I have severe depression (I have moderate to mild) I might not immediately tell my wife? A mental health diagnosis can be a lot to process. Anyways, you are better without this guy based on some of the other stuff. I just hope in your future relationships you understand you may have a partner who doesn't necessarily want to share everything that comes out in therapy with you immediately.