By - cassodragon
If I die young
Bury me in salad
Lay me down on a
Bed of breadsticks
Sink me in alfredo
With some extra spaghetti
It's the sharp slice
Of a bread kniife
Well, I’ve had just enough thyme.
So put out your best, Tour, and I’ll bring my fork.
Now that song is stuck in my head.
Apparently when they ask just how much cheese "just fuck my shit up Bruh" is not an appropriate answer, so this last weekend when husby and I went, I politely asked them to mess my ish up (:
Best part about my funeral is that I won't be around to care if it goes well..
Best part about my funeral is that I won't have one. No funeral, no visitation. Just cremate me and be done with it. All that funeral stuff is nonsense and a waste of money.
Actually I agree 100%.
Yeah split the money and put me in the back yard. I don't care, I can't... I'm dead!
I don't even know if there will be anyone left around to take my ashes, unless I die before my husband. If I live to old age there won't be anyone in my family left alive. I don't have any siblings. There are a few nieces and nephews in my husband's family. While I have a great relationship with them, I don't know that they'd want to take my ashes. Just flush me down the toilet. I don't care. LOL!
I do this for a living and even if you are only going to get cremated its still a good idea to pre plan it. That way the cost falls on no one and you can have it all set up for your nieces and nephews before they ever even get a call about it. Once cremation takes over as the primary choice in this country i can almost guarantee they will find a way to jack up the price of it, so you may be saving someone more than you know by knocking it out now.
YES! Thank you! A funeral contract almost doubles in cost every 10-12 years. I much prefer handling PN contracts than AN contracts for this exact reason. Plus most PNs are inflation-proof. Funeral insurance, not so much. I work for a FH too and I totally plan on being that couple the FH bitches about in 30+ yrs because our PNs were taken out so long ago and since I work in the industry are also 1/2 off. 😂
Also, NC only slightly lags behind the national average for cremation. It’s already the primary option. Which means we’ll all be rebranding our services soon to accommodate a lesser traditional generation.
Ah, a fellow last responder. Agree with everything you said. I set up a service for a guy a while back who did everything back in the 60’s. He had it all. His property, open/close, vault, and marker. $600, lol. Sure it was a lot at the time but he could barely contain his glee as i showed him our current prices. He was even smart enough to not design his marker until now. Ergo he got a brand new one for peanuts. One of the only times id even seen someone who got it all so long ago.
What happens if the funeral home sells out to another company before you die?
It would be transferred to the new company or a funeral home of your choice by request. The state board holds copies of all prearrangements and the state law doesn’t allow for the money to be held in trust- it has to be an insurance policy held by an outside provider (ie. American Memorial Life Insurance, Family Service Life Insurance Co etc.) this is so the funeral home can’t go under and take your money with them.
Yeah - I've been thinking about pre-paying for things since I turned 50. One, so if there's anyone left after I pass it's all taken care of - and two, if there's nobody left after I pass, it's all taken care of. I don't even know where to go or who to talk to though. And what happens if I set things up here in Raleigh, but I end up moving back to Wilmington (or out of state) after I retire? How does that work?
We can honor PNs from other states or written at other FHs. If you choose to transfer your prearrangement prior to death, we need a letter stating so. Otherwise we can transfer upon death as the NC Funeral Services Board only needs a certificate of performance from the performing funeral home at the time of death. It will list the funeral home it was originally written with and the funeral home who performed services. My company has locations both here and in Wilmington. You’re welcome to DM for more info.
I learned from the Ask A Mortician youtube channel that you can actually get a *cardboard coffin*, so if you're getting cremated you're not wasting money and material on a fancy polished mahogany whatever.
It's like sturdy industrial cardboard, they drape it in nice linen for the viewing and stuff.
We do not worship she who must not be named. She’s a tragedy to the funeral industry.
However you’re not wrong. We do offer rental caskets which have disposable liners if the family wants a public viewing. By NC law, you have to be in a cremation container in the retort. We offer a simple mdf board casket for such.
PS- it’s rare to find coffins used in the US. They tend to be European. Casket=4 sided with either a full or split lid. Coffin = 6 sided.
Why is the YouTube Mortician lady a tragedy? I’m so curious now?
I apologize for the fact this reply is copied and pasted but it’s a discussion I just had on my fb a couple weeks ago and frankly, I’m tired today. Lol these are the replies from myself and coworkers when I made a post mocking her.
“She’s not even licensed, yet she’s written 2 books as an “expert”, repeatedly puts down traditional funeral processes (ie- embalming, which is one of the oldest funeral traditions we know of, dating back to pre-Egyptian) and makes clients feel uncomfortable if they even question anything outside of her “green” views. Some states don’t require licenses to be a director. I know Colorado doesn’t- they only need one for embalming. CA might be the same but I’ve never looked into their laws. Plus, she’s annoying AF to watch and her voice is awful.
I feel like I should add, since you’re not in the industry both Jewish and Muslim traditions are “green” burials. They require ritual washing, shrouding and natural caskets (aka- without metal parts, usually made from pine or mahogany) Marketing something as green is simply that- marketing. It’s simply claiming religious traditions without the religious aspects. There are two “green” burial cemeteries in Wake Co. Pine Forest in Wake Forest and a part in Oakwood. It’s also entirely legal to have a home viewing and to be buried on your own land in NC with the correct permits. So basically, she’s spewing a lot of shit to the ignorant masses and making them think it’s something new when it isn’t. Just the same way that women dominating the funeral industry isn’t anything new- it became an old boys club in the Victorian era when it was believed to be unladylike to participate in such jobs as they were “dirty” and that everything should be cleansed and sanitized. Prior to the Victorian Era, families cared for their own and undertakers/morticians were for those who could afford it. It was primarily the women of the family who handled the deceased. Currently the industry is about 65% women and growing daily. The old boys club is holding on by its last gasp.”
“She has never held an embalming license, operated a funeral home that got shut down, treats her staff poorly, and tries to hammer home two methods of disposition only. In my opinion it’s not our place to TELL people how to bury/cremate/ etc. We get paid for them to tell us and we make it happen. She acts like she embalms though and knows allllll the best methods. 🙄. I was an apprentice working towards my embalming license and basically embalmed for 4 years. Where i ended up working I wasn’t going to need it so I didn’t get it. Then this guy [name removed] I’m pretty sure had been embalming less time than I had, came and just blew my ass out of the water, In his first few months. It’s about effort and skill. She has none and talks like she has the experience…. and then talks down upon it. In reality she probably spent time all the time learning and just sucked at it like I did.”
“Caitlin Doughty is a disgrace to the funeral profession. All about being a celebrity and catering to her “deathlings” than proper caring for the dead.”
Wow, thanks for that. I’ve seen a few of her videos and assumed she had her license.
I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies? I imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead you could bang me all you want. I mean, who cares? A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. Fill me up with cream, make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead!
Glad you’re so nonchalant about it. We are in this industry because we’re drawn to giving respect to the dead and we want to help their families. It’s a calling for us. Same as ministers, missionaries, social workers etc. So no, necrophilia is not a thing. Also, rigor doesn’t typically last long enough for us to have any pleasure out of that scenario. We would prefer to embalm someone as fresh as possible so we can maintain their physical attributes. Rigor doesnt tend to set in for 2-4 hours after death and “angel lust” (men who die with hard ons) tends to be rare as it depends on their position and the liver mortis at time of death. Necrophiliacs tend to be serial killers who have killed then raped their victims after death.
Damn, I was quoting Danny DeVito, but that was actually interesting.
I'd be completely fine with being dumped into a cardboard box after they cremate me. No need for any linen or anything, as I won't be having a viewing/visitation/calling hours/funeral or anything else along those lines. Just throw me in the oven, then into a cardboard box, and done.
Funerals aren't really for the dead though they're for the friends and family left.
Yeah - I know that’s what they say. I still think funerals are nonsense and a huge waste of money. A funeral is ridiculously expensive. I’m 52 years old, and have attended seven funerals in my lifetime. There are a lot more that have happened that I didn’t go to. Never did I go to any funeral because I wanted to or because I thought it would help me process the person’s death or provide closure. I felt that the only thing any of those funerals did was prolong my grieving process and make it worse. I didn’t want to have that memory of seeing any of those people in that state (they were all open casket). So, no funeral has ever been for me - one of those left behind. I don’t deal with that shit well, so I certainly wasn’t any kind of support for any other family members. The only reason I went to any of the funerals I went to was because I felt like I was obligated/required to go. No other reason. That really isn’t a good reason to go, when it comes right down to it.
Unless some freak accident or something happens to cause me to pass away before my parents, I won’t have any family of my own to attend a funeral anyway. My parents are basically it. I have no siblings, no aunts or uncles, no cousins - nobody from my family left after my parents are gone. I have no children. My husband has a few nieces and nephews, which I think I have a decent relationship with, but I don’t know that they would show up for a funeral for me. I have several friends, but none are what I would consider to be close friends - and I would be really surprised if any of them would show up for a funeral for me. If I did want to have a funeral and whatnot, I can’t think of anyone who would actually show up other than my husband and maybe a couple people from his family. It’s stupid to spend so much money on something that only maybe three or four people at the most would show up for. My husband knows I don’t want any kind of services, and he’s totally on board with that.
When I was working there in 2003 we had groups renting the back room to give this sales pitch, I see nothing’s changed.
When I die, bury me with unlimited breadsticks and salad.
[When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rtu1Va-dnM)
Frank Reynolds, slick legend.
"When I die, bury me deep,
with a jar of molasses at my feet,
and a loaf of cornbread in each hand,
so I can sop my way to the promised land."
"take of this bread my body and spirit"--it's a shame that health codes ban baking cremated remains into, yknow, food. i can't think of a bigger honor than becoming both one & infinite w/ the equally infinite breadstick supply of our lord and saviour, the capital blvd olive garden
Who's to say that the most avid OG patrons are not waitlisted to be part of the herbs and spices blend that decorates the venerated breadsticks on each and every table?
Ordinances be damned.
When you’re there, you’re family.
When I die, bury me inside the Louis store
i wish i did. there's no place better to contemplate my impending mortality than raleigh's most intimate & underrated italian joint. after all....when we're there, we're family
When you're here, you're family. And you don't want your family to be unprepared for costly end-of-life expenses. Join us at Olive Garden as we prepare you and your loved ones for that eventual Tour of Italy in the sky.
I guess there's a high overlap between olive garden patrons and people that are about to die.
Could have been worse.... Golden Corral, anyone?
You mean Botulism Buffet?
We’ve done that one before too. And Miltons.
I was also invited to the Olive Garden to discuss your funeral.
Frankly, we were surprised you didn't come. You can rest easy, though - the group had some great ideas.
I was at a funeral yesterday and someone made lasagna for my entire Italian family and all we talked about was how terrible it was. I’d rather have my funeral at Olive Garden than eat that lasagna again
I was at a funeral Sunday and my preacher father in law forgot he was supposed to be remembering the deceased and instead spent 15 minutes talking about how God wants you to have everything you need and how He hates communism. The departed's sister looked PISSED.
How bad was it? Like can you explain to us what specific aspects of the lasagna were disgusting?
Hmm okay I’ll try to describe it. My mom is convinced it had no sauce. The meat was dry and tasted like the ground beef at Taco Bell without any seasoning. I’m really not sure if there was any ricotta in it. And I’m pretty sure it was reheated before being served.
I am a Korean immigrant but it sounds like I can make better lasagna lol. I actually made lasagna from scratch a few months ago, even the pasta !
waiter holding out parmesan grater: "Tell me when."
Better be the one on Capital
I don't know how he does it but head Chef Mike R Wave works at all of the Olive Gardens in the area! he's so busy the location doesn't matter!
LOL. Mike Roe Wave.
Ah, the old country
Any long-time denizen of /r/raleigh should be acutely aware of Olive Garden's status as the best place in town. Specifically the one on Capitol.
I had to inform my office of the fact this Olive Garden is the best place in Raleigh. (& clue them in on the Reddit love)
When you’re here, you’re here.
When you're gone, you're gone.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something…
Double up on the Gnocchi
Should I be offended I wasn't invited to get a discounted rate on my funeral?
You can be my plus one
To the funeral?
That double casket can fit either both of you, or just one... depending on how many sales pitch dinners it takes you to buy it.
Economy of scale
How do I get in on this?
Ask any of the local funeral homes if they have any upcoming PreNeed seminars booked and how you can get on the list for it. It’s not like this city is short on funeral homes.
No, but that's an excellent strategy. Would get me one step closer to the grave, carbs being my only addiction.
"There is no obligation on your part"... thanks for letting me live a little longer.
My mother in law would still find a way to complain that there was only 1 gnocchi in her soup 🤦♂️
Is.... is this a threat?
What can I say? We get a better turn out hosting it there than anywhere else. Old people love OG.
HOW OLD DOES YOUR MAILING LIST THINK I AM‽ 🪦😵💀🍝🥖
NEVER TOO EARLY TO PLAN AN EVENING OF UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS!
I don’t know for certain if that’s one of our mailers, but the font looks like the type my company tends to use. The mailers are usually sent out by an external party unless you’ve ever specifically requested information. 🤷🏻♀️ I mean, I’m 35 and I get AARP offers too!
Free dinner followed by a high pressure sales pitch to sign a contract you'll probably cancel within a year once you realize what a mistake you made.
Sign me up.
Sales pitch, then dinner. We have to give you a reason to stay. 😂
When you're here, you're family. Now add us to your will.
out of curiosity, who sent that? Like which funeral home?
Maybe because of the low vaccination rate they decided to get everybody started early?
You had me at "complimentary dinner at Olive Garden". Give me 3 of everything. Plot, tombstone, vault, casket, embalming.
Here, sign this contract about us getting paid to dispose of your body while you sit indoors with strangers, elbow to elbow, while you take your mask off to shove unlimited breadsticks into your face. Make sure to drive drunk on the way home!
Makes for Lively dinner discussion ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|facepalm)
I've already decreed to bury me where I fall.
My wife keeps telling me that's illegal...
Is that a kitty shadow I see there
I did, and was actually insulted! Usually the restaurants are higher end......the Olive Garden, I guess the City is planning to just bury me!![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|trollface)
reminds me of this:
I want to talk about my death, here, in the middle of this Olive Garden
With unlimited salad and breadsticks, it's like you're already in heaven.
So, you gonna go?
Typically you’re in a plastic bag with a zip tie & metal tag, inside of a plastic box instead of a brown paper bag… but I’m sure we could accommodate your wishes.
Hey! I do this exact job but in High Point. Want any advice before going in?
Omg I’m dying…oh wait..
*when you're here,*
It’s almost haiku 🪦
This is too easy…🤣
As much money as funeral homes make, I want a dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse before I'll go listen to their bullshit.
I'm going with cremation and a burial capsule with a tree sapling planted in my ashes. I'm going to be a River Birch tree the next time around.
Shout out for https://www.cityofoakscremation.com great company, looking to provide a reasonably priced service to the community, not to prey on people during a time of mourning.
I got one shortly after I got married.
"When you're here you're family" better apply to my funeral as well.
Yeah bc Olive Garden LLC is a business simply founded upon the sentiment of wellbeing. What, do they get a cut of every plot that has an obese person with Olive Garden Punchcard in their wallet?
How would anyone for a *moment* believe that they are coming out with this without some sort of angle?
I’m laughing because I got a similar “invitation” from a funeral home in my area (Charleston,SC), but for a meal at a Japanese restaurant.
Is this a new trend? Or did I just reach the “invited to funeral sales pitches” age?
This is what terrifies me
I got the same thing but at Sullivans
Who was that from? I need to get on their mailing lists! 😂
I got the C-list invite, apparently
Is this real
I never joke about the Olive Garden, u/erinmonday
The problem with Olive Garden is not that the food is crappy Italian, its that the people that go there don't know it's crappy Italian. Taco Bell never mislead anyone, nobody think Taco Bell is top shelf Mexican food.