Russia trying to send an actress into space before Tom Cruise
By - -eimaj-
Starring Tom Cruise
and Adam Sandler as himself
Rob Schneider as space stapler.
...and he’s about to find out that being a space stapler is out of this world.
Featuring Leslie Jones as Loud Space Lady!
Cameo Steve Buscemi as the creepy conspiracy fearing neighbor guy.
How do you do, fellow sports cars?
Steve buscemi as a space firefighter
DONT WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES....
So he can leave space firefighting, only to return years later to help out during space 9/11.
*"in space... no one can hear you scream..."*
**"THEY AIN'T NEVER HEARD ME BEFORE!!!"**
"is her radio on?" "uh, nope." "K... I'm gonna go turn Hal back on."
Aw hell nahhh
This sounds like a movie for Rhianna.
"HAVEN’T HAD MY MUFFIN YET, MATT!"
Rob Shneider is Derp de derp! Da derp de derp derp!
Derpa Sherpa the Space Jockey.
Tom Cruise is “Spaced Out” rated PG-13
In a Theater near you.
Rob Schneider is a carrot!
You can do eeeeet! Kick him out the fucking air-lock!
Rated R for pirates. Fuck you!
Haha I laughed too hard at that. And read it I. The south park voice.
And Kevin James as a lamp shade
"You can orbeeeet!"
No he's Tugg Speedman.
Narrated by Morgan Freeman
And that actress. They will fall into stardoomed lovers love in defiance to Evil Governments. Eventually Tom Cruises DNA will be emailed to Russia, so Russian actress would conceive a healthy boy. His name? Albert Einstein
Then Einstein is sent back in time to invent general relativity. The name of the movie is Einstein: Origins
After the death of his old team, scientists have been outlawed and have to live in hiding.
Einstein is making his living as a limo driver taking care of his old friend, tesla.
His intelligence failing him, he departs on a journey to protect his clone/daughter.
The movie name, Albert. With a trailer of hurt by johnny cash
I hope they add the part where pornhub tried to crowdfund a porn filmed in space - imagine if the first actors in space would've been Eva Lovia and Johnny Sins
What would the porn film be called? lol
"Challenge Her Explosion"
I didn't even feel guilty about that chortle
Wow... I was expecting to see someone say like “Apollo 69” or “Space Balls,” but this was next level...!
Space balls the condom, space balls the lube, space balls the butt plug
Space Balls Deep
Kids love that one
G Trek: The Search for Spot
Porn Star wars
Well Johnny Sins is an astronaut.
And a plumber. And a teacher. And a......
doctor, scientist, pizza delivery man.........is there any~~one~~thing this man cannot do?
I've been wondering what ever happened to that for a while now
The crowdfunding failed, I think they got something around $230.000 out of the 3.4 million they were aiming for. IIRC they also tried to get a deal with Virgin Galactic (yes, ironic), but it never went through.
Thats crazy low. They need to advertise better. Pornhub gets billions of views. If everyone gave a quarter they'd get there quick
Not anymore, Epstein’s bud killed Pornhub.
I wonder who they’ll cast for Tom Cruise.
Samuel L Jackson
Perfect! That opening Covid scene is going to be so good.
I’ve had it with these motherfucking aliens on this motherfucking space station!
Then we'll see who will send the first person to space for the sake of a biographical film
Space race 2 squared
A decade?? Dude this is the 2020s. There'll already be a reboot by 2026.
I still remember when [Russia was trying to send Lance Bass into outer space](https://i.insider.com/5858372dca7f0c20008b6995?width=843&format=jpeg).
This is a headline that gets funnier the more you think about it.
Didnt he pay a few million, then they refused to do it?
I thought he ran out of money, but I guess it's the same reason from a different perspective
I think he was trying to find sponsors to pay for it without much luck.
If I can afford to send you to space I'm sending myself to space instead.
I don't know....there's all sorts of people I'd pay $20 to remove from this planet.
He was diagnosed with a heart condition at the last minute. It was so close to the proper time that everything was calibrated for him to be on the ship, so they had to put a barrel worth his weight on it.
'Least that's what I heard.
That sounds familiar, but not too familiar.
But not too not familiar
I'm your Oldest Brother
I’m your Middlest Brother
And I’m your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary, bliss delight
I hope they drew a shitty caricature of him on the barrel
I wonder if this is why Lance Bass ran a singing space camp on the show Single Parents
Bye bye bye ^(bye bye)
Surely it would make more sense put an astronaut in a film, rather than teach an actress to fly a spaceship... It's the film Armageddon all over again.
Edit: this loosely cobbled joke about the film Armageddon as caught more attention than anticipated. Send nudes.
"Shut the fuck up, Ben"
"So that was the end of that talk"
I came in here specifically looking for these comments from the Armageddon commentary.
[Here's the specific hilarious commentary from Ben Affleck regarding "Armageddon"](https://youtu.be/-ahtp0sjA5U)
Edited to add the more accurate quote and the YouTube link.
Edit: Thanks for the Reddit Gold! I just wanted to pass along this clip that I saw on Reddit long ago.
How did I not know Ben Affleck was funny as hell?? Does he do a commentary over the whole movie?
He did one for Gigli too check it out
That would make Gigli incredible. No actual dialogue, just Ben Affleck shitting all over the movie the entire time MST3K style.
IIRC that is essentially what it is.
It's just Affleck saying sorry and I was thinking with my dick. Did you see that ass? For two hours.
He just talks about the paycheck he got. Guys I couldn't turn it down I had some gambling debts at the time.
Have you never seen any Kevin Smith films?
Dogma will forever by my favorite.
I think people's opinions of his movies taint the fact that Affleck is a intelligent and funny dude.
People forget about him and Matt writing goodwill hunting
Dudes just happen to be handsome as fuck and can do both drama and action films, but also be funny as hell as well
Him together with Bruce Willis, Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer, though not in the same room I think. Afaik it's only on the UK DVD (not blu-ray!) of the film.
edit: it's also on the Criterion DVD
You should listen to the commentary for Mallrats, he’s funny as hell in that.
It's pretty fun listening to Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett rip on Pearl Harbor too.
This segment always makes me laugh.
Day after day, the internet surprises me with new nuggets of gold, and this is the shiniest one of all today.
I feel like a real lucky 10,000 today to be discovering this, thank you!
I would watch every DVD commentary if it was just Ben Affleck dissing the movie.
That was so funny.
I miss how most big films had commentaries. I feel like not nearly as many have them these days, but maybe I'm just buying the wrong ones...
Tropic Thunder has the best DVD commentary of all time.
Yes!! I was going to comment this same thing! And true to his word RDJ doesn’t break character until the DVD commentary, honestly it’s almost as entertaining as the feature film.
There’s also a couple of other Lincoln Osiris videos out there on YouTube that are hysterically ridiculous. I think RDJ had too much fun being a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.
[unseen Tropic Thunder footage](https://youtu.be/3JgVgI9tF6Y)
[Srgt Lincoln Osiris PPSD](https://youtu.be/Oia6bTw35m0)
I clicked on the "unseen tropic thunder footage" and it hasn't changed to "seen tropic thunder footage"
Objectively wrong when we live in a world where This is Spinal Tap has a commentary track.
That commentary track is arguably better than the actual film.
Not that anyone really cares but I wrote about this a few years ago for a newsletter (that I don't run/own):
Got interviewed on a podcast about it too. Neat times. DVD commentary was of a time and a place. It was nice we got it while we did.
Most still do if you buy the blu-ray.
They do actually have lines about that in the film, basically Bruce Willis says drilling is an art form that no simple-minded astronaut could figure out so NASA should just teach him to be an astronaut.
I may be misremembering but I remember thinking it was silly.
They literally try to teach the astronauts how to drill and they can't do it.
Drilling into stone really is an art form.
Source: I've broken a lot of drill bits.
The unintuitive thing being that Bay was actually right in that regard - NASA would train drillers to become astronauts and not astronauts to become drillers (not that the whole premise makes a lot of sense beyond that).
Consider that any experienced professional driller will have years if not decades of experience doing that job and is able to do their job in a manner which you can't simply train somebody to equal within a couple of months or even a few years, even a Jonny Kim type. So while astronauts might be "the best of the best" and hell, might even become the best of the best drillers if given time and training, they would need just that *time*. And because you don't have that in an *Armageddon* scenario or don't have that
So they'd rather train drillers to become passable astronauts which actually doesn't take *that* long (I believe preparation for an ISS mission is two years which includes stuff like learning some Russian) and the person would then be a mission specialist, being busy with themselves and trying not to require too much babysitting while focusing on their special task (here drilling), while the more experienced astronauts focus on everything else.
I mean if we assume Ben Affleck a character was the same age he was then he was only 26 in the movie. I doubt he'd been drilling for decades.
They start ‘em young in coal country. If he’s been drilling since age 6...
In the movie they explain this by essentially saying that he in particular was naturally gifted at it. Everyone else on the team had been drilling for a long time.
His character was definitely gifted at drilling Liv Tyler. Could probably even lay some pipe if he had to.
Just remember Liv Tyler's father is the one singing during the intimate scene before launch... Always a bit creepy.
Liv Tyler though... God damn. That Thing You Do made me fall head over heels.
True. I mean, I guess having Tom Cruise in the film makes sense because..
He's a recognisable face (more so than any astronaut they could use) and so he will bring a lot of star power to the film
He's known for doing crazy shit and surviving to tell the tale.
And would it really count as the "first actor in space" if the person starring in the movie wasn't an actor beforehand??! There have been plenty of videos filmed in the ISS. What makes this cool is that its someone we all know who's going to space.
And it's not like Tom Cruise just does this stuff for the fame. You can tell that he genuinely loves doing crazy stunts, so I'm sure the space idea is a thing that *he* is pushing for more than anyone.
Probably the main reason that he keeps making mission impossible movies lol
And also the main reason the *Mission: Impossible* movies all have consistently good quality. He’s passionate about them and doesn’t see them as a mere cash grab.
I only really got into the series starting at Ghost Protocol, but they seem to just be getting better and better. Fallout was one of the most enjoyable experiences I ever had in a theater. I legitimately missed seeing the previews for it once it came out lmao
He also has a direct financial stake as he's an executive producer
He wants to go see Xenu.
>There have been plenty of videos filmed in the ISS.
There have been plenty of movies filmed in the ISS and on the space shuttle. They flew IMAX cameras in space to film documentaries like "Destiny in Space" before they were used in feature films.
Not really. The Russians use the [Soyuz](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soyuz_(rocket_family)) which isn't really "flown" by every astronaut (cosmonaut) inside the capsule. There's been quite a few space tourists before this.
It's not about "making a film in space". It's all about Russia trying to put people (as in, not professionally trained astro/cosmonauts) into space before the American private market does in order to safeguard it's relevance in a post-Space Shuttle era where the focus is starting to shift from massive powerful rockets created by state entities with the goal to launch either massive infrastructure (ISS, Mir) or scientific payloads (from Voyager and Sputnik to Apollo) to private companies competing for either state contracts (whether taxi-ing people to/from ISS or putting satellites into orbit) or private goals (mostly space tourism, but think of Musk's obsession with getting people onto Mars). In that environment the Soyuz is kinda IMVHO dead weight, it's too expensive to compete with private companies to taxi people to/from the ISS, it's too uncomfortable to be a "luxury" option, and you don't really want a people-carrying capsule to put satellites into orbit.
The real deal is that Space Tourism is moving towards a model that's far more affordable for people who aren't billionaires. IMO that's what the big rush is about, it's advertising about who can get "ordinary" people into space cheapest/fastest. Don't get me wrong, it's going to be expensive as hell for the next while, the figure I'm seeing is $250,000 to go suborbital (so basically "up and back down" without going into orbit) from both Virgin Galactic and Blue Origin, but compare that to $55 million which NASA is paying SpaceX per seat or $86 million which was the cost NASA was paying Russia per seat on Soyuz and you've got something that goes from the richest-of-the-rich to upper-middle/lower-upper class.
But yeah, IMVHO it's just a stunt to advertise Space Tourism. Russia used to be the king of putting people into space with it's highly reliable and cheap Soyuz, but it's starting to lose that edge. The newest Soyuz model is increasing the price, meanwhile things like SpaceX's reusable designs (with Starship being designed to be completely reusable) are pushing Russia out of the Space Transport business.
Sending up one or two non-astro/cosmonauts onboard a standard taxi flight isn't much of a risk, especially when the journey to the ISS is very well known and mapped out (if exceedingly tedious) with plenty of navigation equipment on both sides. You'd have to be an idiot to get lost on your way to the ISS..... The biggest problem they'd have to face is someone who isn't experienced having to deal with the Soyuz's cramped interior for two days while en-route to the ISS (mind you, they literally did it in three hours a few months ago so it's not terrible).
Great analysis, probably won’t be appreciated much but we space nerds appreciate
The joke is that in the film Armageddon, they taught drillers to be astronauts instead of teaching astronauts to use a drill. My joke has attracted a great many nerds.
Sorry, I've played too much Kerbal to actually be able to *understand* jokes. And human emotions. And this thing you call "love".
> and you've got something that goes from the richest-of-the-rich to upper-middle/lower-upper class.
No. It goes from top richest people in the world to slightly less absurdly rich people. The average poverty level may be so low that making low six figures makes you upper middle class, but sure as fuck someone earning even $500k a year gross is not going like "let's spend a year's salary to almost go to space for 30 seconds". Who's offering "go to space" loans?
If you're gonna pay for filming in space, you probably don't want an amateur actor to ruin it
I am pretty sure there is no "Flying" they just sit there and let the computers do the work. Most of the training is usually for maintenance and long term operation of the space craft as well as performing experiments in space and I don't think Tom plans on living up there and doing experiments.
Tom Cruise is trying to meet Xenu.
And because he isn’t weighed down by all the invisible beings attached to him like that Russian woman is, he’ll be much lighter to lift into space
His lucky extra middle tooth should also give him an advantage as well.
Smh, you clearly aren't well versed in Scientology lore. Xenu is actually the bad guy.
I know. Xenu is the dictator of the galactic empire, and the one who exiled the thetans on a space DC8. Cruise is a movie actor who finds himself portraying the protagonist more often than not. He's got a score to settle now that he has shed himself of his bodily thetans without losing his container like LRH did. D'uh!
Mission Impossible: Galactic Aegis
Things Scientologists actually believe in. Hello Karin!
i thought he already did that in Oblivion
Pretty sure that was Skyrim, but my Elder Scrolls lore is shaky. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
The only thing waiting for him will be Matt Damon.
“Additionally, she must be pretty fit, and able to run 1km in three and a half minutes or less, swim 800m freestyle in 20 minutes and dive from a three-metre springboard with an impressive technique.”
Lol does anyone else think some of those requirements are super random?
Run fast = when you're late for the rocket launch
Swim fast = when you re-enter and splash down in a crocodile swamp
Dive elegantly = pushing off a wall in zero-G and you need to seduce American astronaut
Oh, you know, swimming and diving form translating to ease of motion in zero G does make some sense.
Yeh it also talked about her chest needing to be a specific size. Im sure it has to do with the spacesuit but imagine meeting all the other dumb requirements and not getting to go just because your chest isn't big enough.
The chest size was given as a max size only and it's extremely high. While I wouldn't doubt they want the most attractive person possible it looks like the size they posted would literally just be where she wouldn't fit in a space suit anymore.
Can you imagine trying to get your space job done in zero G with a big ol' pair of double Fs just flopping around?
Side note, how long after commercial space flight becomes common do you think it will take before "space job" becomes a known sexual act?
The 100 mile high club.
I actually don't think sex in zero g would be a great experience. You'd be constantly bumping into stuff, at least in the current space architecture. Of course, lack of comfort doesn't stop people banging in airplane bathrooms, so probably as soon as stuff gets big enough that two people can sneak off for a while.
Imagine the cleanup... Getting your own spunk in your eye.
Oh yea, the only reason *I'm* not an astronaut is because of my ginormous titties.
> because your chest isn't big enough
"up to 112cm"
They only have one space suit for woman and it only fits one size.
Majority of adults these days are grossly overweight to be astronauts so the fitness requirements are standards to weed out who would die on takeoff. Theyre basic things that an astronaut should be fit enough to do
The diving though I have no idea why that would matter
I think it is because space capsules do water landings. Having to be comfortable jumping 3m into water without hitting your head on the way down and drowning sounds good! Although in [this photo of American astronauts training for emergency water exits, they are just jumping and not diving.](https://scx2.b-cdn.net/gfx/news/hires/2017/1-marsmissiona.jpg)
first opera singer would be waaaaay more impressive
First inner city school teacher with a gimp leg would be waaaaaay more impressive.
A white teacher takes a job at the ICSS (Inner City Space Station) to teach black and latino student astronauts about self-worth, and in turn they teach her acceptance and some fun hip space lingo
Send over Mr Cartmenez: "How do I reach des kidz... "
But they dont accept her at first. Not until she steps up and protects one of the students from predatory gang practices
"Been spending most our lives living in a Soyuz paradise."
What about a black lounge singer turned nun in a witness protection program teaching inner city kids how to sing in space?
Only if Woopie is the nun and Oprah shows up for no reason.
They tried that. They gave her the gimp leg on the way up.
We can check off waaaay more boxes than that.
Is this a Dr. Stone reference
Was looking for this
Especially if she wore blue full body makeup and had tentacles for hair.
Only if she sings "Il dolce suono" from *Lucia di Lammermoor* in orbit.
Recreate the opera scene from The Fifth Element, but with less guns, bullets, and explosions on the Lunar Starship mission.
Anna Netrebko haha
Space 2: Space To The Finish Line
Space Race 3: Fasten Your Asteroid Belt
If history were to repeat itself, the Russian actress would reach space first, but then Tom Cruise would end up being the first man on Mars, and then there would be a new wave of conspiracy theorist claiming that Christopher Nolan faked the Mars landing.
Her thetans will weigh her down so Lord Cruise will win.
Psh. Roger more went to space in Moonraker. These guys are way behind.
That was fake. They filmed that in Stanley Kubrick's garage.
The fact people often overlook is that *Stanley Kubrick's garage is on the moon*.
(I know this story is from early November but I couldn't find anyone else talking about it and it seems like an interesting topic)
Well, if they make it there before us, I guess we can always try being the first ones to film a movie on the moon.
And NASA’s going back to the moon in 2024 for the first time since 1972, so maybe Tom Cruise can film a space sequel up there lol
MoRE SPACE RACES PLEASE. Fuck arms races, fuck actual races. Countries competing in the field of science is fantastic for progress.
Yes things *could* move faster if we all worked together but competition is the best motivator in my mind.
> Countries competing in the field of science is fantastic for progress.
Ahem... Hate to tell you this, but... The space race was an arms race. It was all about who could do delivery of ICBMs, development of new high altitude military communication relays, military navigation for ICBMs and more, spying satellites. A lot of science is ted to military and arms races.
>Fuck arms races,
>Countries competing in the field of science is fantastic for progress.
Im curious, where do you think these advances in rockets, radar and satellites go? For 'human progress'?
Why do you think all the world powers gobbled up Nazi scientists following the war? They didn't want V-1 rockets for 'spreading wealth and prosperity'
This is a just dick measuring contest by two super powers, and while it would be great for scientific progress, they'd probably use whatever scientific knowledge they acquire to advance their military equipment.
Edit: missed a word.
That is... literally what the space race was. It was not some romantic mutual noble pursuit of scientific advancement.
I feel like I might be the only person to read that article. I am mostly intrigued by the required "dimensions" of this actress. Between 150 and 180cm tall, weigh between 50 and 70kg and have a "chest girth" of up to 112cm. Given an average of the first two dimensions, what would a woman with a "chest girth" of 112cm look like?
I would like an example: for science.
Most sizing charts for women don't even go that high. If they do it's XXL or XXXL sizes. It would be very hard to find someone with breasts that big who could pass all the other requirements. Keep in mind though, that was a max size which sounds perfectly reasonable except for the fact that they felt it needed to be said.
This is very amusing, if the objective was just to get any old actor into space to make a bad movie, I’m sure we (the U.S.) could expedite the process too.
If a Nicolas Cage screams in space, can we hear him?
**OH GOD NOT THE SPACE BEES**
The sequel to Color Out Of Space right here
Color In Space
In space, no one can hear you scream ... unless you're Tom Cruise.
[If he screams like he does in the leaked Mummy trailer with no soundtrack, then he can have my ticket money.](https://youtu.be/kRqxyqjpOHs?t=72)
Steve Carell's Space Force should've been about this
It’s like the 60s all over again
The russian actress will get there first, only to pull a mask off and reveal thats she's actually...tom cruise
Good, more power to them. Competition makes us bring our A game.
Da comrade. This is true.
Fuuuuck yeah, space race round 2 boiiii.