I think I understand where you’re coming from. My PIMI parents haven’t talked to me in 15 odd years since I was DFd. In some respects I’ve already buried them, but on another level they will always be my parents. I mean, they raised me in a shitty cult, but they genuinely believed it was the right thing and they loved me on some level - as much as they knew how until I left. They didn’t beat me or molest me, they just didn’t love me enough to choose me over the Octopope. So despite some resentment, I’m not full of hate or bile over things - it is what it is. My father is apparently on his last legs with cancer now and I’m told (by third parties who reach out to me occasionally as family doesn’t) that he has months to live. On the one hand, I’ll probably be sad and cry when he’s gone, on the other hand it’s really just closing a chapter which he’s done all he can to close already. There is no right or wrong in how you react - grief is an incredibly personal process even when relationships aren’t complicated by devotion to a cult.


I understand that feeling. I lost my lovely mom in my late 20s after I faded. She loved her kids unconditionally. I was wrecked for at least 7 years after she died. That’s how much I loved her. This past summer, I lost my non-jw mother-in-law, and felt gutted for several months. Waves of grief still hit me. She was the only real parent I had after my mom died. I thought about how I would feel when my 86yo dad dies. And I honestly don’t think that I’ll feel much of anything. He’s a toxic narcissist, who knows nothing about his kids or grandkids or cares about anyone other than himself. I’ve parented him my entire adult life because neither he nor his crazy cult wife have any common sense or life skills. I finally cut him off a year ago when he chose the cult over his own kids. Then I cried for 2 days about 6 months ago when I discovered his BFF is another elder and a disgusting pedophile who molested his own adopted daughter. And my dad and the rest of the elders in my old hall have hidden him for decades. 🤮🤬. I used to agonize about whether or not my dad was a good person. Through years of therapy, I came to the conclusion it doesn’t matter. He’s a person capable of both good and evil. After this discovery, however, I can only see him as a garbage person, who has no capacity to distinguish between right and wrong.


I feel the same way about my dad, very abusive and toxic. He's living his Armageddon in an assist living in memory care, he should be in prison after my sister told me what he did to her at age nine. She is still a witness, and she is the one that looks out for him and has power of attorney. I don't want anything to due with him, i will not blink an eye when he dies.


Holy shit! That’s insane that your sister is looking out for him after what he did to her! That’s straight up indoctrination right there: a victim caring for her abuser. 🤬 My dad loved me more than my brothers, but he also shit on me because he’s a misogynist. He thought it was fine to call me and other jw women prostitutes for wearing makeup or nail polish. Because of him, I carried shame around sex and sexuality until I discovered he’s a heinous pedophile enabler. Now nothing that comes out of his mouth carries any weight at all because he’s one step up from a pedophile, the lowest form of life. I’ve always let his toxic bullshit slide and provided him with a cushy life because I bought into his emotional manipulation. Also because I’m a good person…thanks to my mom. But he and his crazy cult wife now have to live within their means, and I fully intend to confront him before he dies. He’ll lie and deny covering up pedophilia, but I want him to know that I know.


Anyone that's been exposed to this Borg has mixed up thinking patterns. I'm sorry they've twisted your feelings up too.


I feel for you. I’ve had these exact same thoughts. Just know that the cycle can end with you no matter what happens. Sorry you’re going through this.


I think anytime we loose an elderly relative to lomg illness our emotions are all sorts of mixed up. When my maternal figure died I missed her so much (still do) but I was also very relieved that she was no longer suffering. Grieving was so difficult. Adding the layer of cult BS that you have had tp deal with will just complicate your personal grief even more. Whatever you feel is ok. Its more than ok its right. Your feelings will be right for you personally. Whatever happens please honor and accept those feelings. Show love to yourself and everything good about your mom will always be with you.💕


Perhaps you've been anticipating she was going to shun you in the future, so you've been slowly building up acceptance of her not being part of your life. And you don't want to think of yourself as a bad person, but it is hard not to realize that the relationship has its costs, and to anticipate the relief of being free for one. My dad died when I was young, and I was both sad, and also excited that I was his heir. It is psychology beyond my feeble understanding to know if finding a positive is a sign of resiliency and/or a sign of self interest. For most people, some of both. I think we're not alone, because it explains the truly awful things people say trying to comfort those who have lost someone. "God needed another angel." "She's in a better place now" \[So the rest of us are stuck in a terrible place?\], "You'll see him on the other side of Armageddon". My relationship with my mom is dead - she may be now too, and I don't expect to hear updates. I find that the numb area has become smaller and less uncomfortable.


Sometimes when a parent passes, so also does the opportunity that they may change and be the parent the child had needed. I remember a (non-JW) funeral I attended where the adult children of the deceased narcissist joked around. One got the sense that there was more relief she would no longer torment them. The only thing they had to mourn was that now the mother could never be a real *caring* parent to them. Once a parent dies, so does that hope.


Fully understand.


That same question comes to mind for caregivers. Caregivers are almost everything to the person their helping. Everything. Housekeeper. Emotional support. Comforter. Medical assistant. Psychologist. Scheduler. Bookkeeper. Errand runner. On and on. They give of themselves on a constant basis where their own being is lost or becomes numb. Wishing for this to end. Think it best if the person just went to sleep. Burn out and melt downs are common. With little for themselves they continue on until one day the inevitable happens. The caregiver’s work ends. The person passed. Rush of mixed emotion comes stronger than when the person was alive. And one feels guilty for these emotions. Relieved it’s over. Cry because their gone. Guilt because their glad its over. There is nothing wrong with these feelings. Normal for the circumstances. Understand?


You have every right to your mixed feelings. 💯💪


I’ve wrestled with similar guilt. I love my parents dearly, and I’d never want to lose them, but… they’re getting up there in years and it’s only a matter of time. When they do pass, I will have ZERO reason to pretend anymore, on any level. No more not inviting them over around the holidays because I have a tree up. No more kids letting things slip about birthdays. No more guilt trips. No more pressure to fall in line with how they live and believe. Just me and my family. It’s a huge guilt on me and I hate feeing that way because I love them so much. I feel for you. The bOrg ruins lives and will ruin a lot more.