T O P
bpanio

It's not weird, but I think you should just get off Tinder. That's not a good way to find a relationship, most people on there only want to hook up. You're only 20, the right one will come along eventually. I know trust is hard to come by so until you do trust a guy, only agree to go on dates to well lit and populated spots, and drive yourself there. Don't let him pick you up until you trust him


skatagal

Yeah I actually think all of them just want to hook up now honestly.. I think I’ll give up on dating again in general and also delete tinder and other dating apps. It makes me sad and lonely but I would rather be sad and lonely than feel trapped, I always feel trapped when I try to date anybody and my emotions are eating me alive honestly. I can’t handle them. I feel them so intense and they are so many. I don’t think I want to date anybody for a while, I am terrified because of my anxiety. I need to seek help first I guess and focus on my mental health and myself. I don’t know if I would ever be ready to date anybody, maybe not. But it won’t be now..


kss114

I think taking the time to care for your mental health is a great idea. Do you have a therapist? Some of this will get better with time and experience, but you do want a stable foundation first. -a fellow anxious person


Relative-Moose-129

Honestly I met my bf on tinder about 3 and a half years ago so it's not everyone that's like that. You just have to be open but make your intentions clear during the texting portion and if they don't want the same things, oh well nice meeting you and it was a good time. I like Bumble too. But yes definitely seek help first if you feel like that's what you need. Dating doesn't have to be scary or anything bad if you don't let it get to that point. Be picky.


orangesuv

You sound like you need to talk to a professional :) It actually works lol, its just hard unfortunately, because only you can make yourself improve and pushing your own boundaries is terrifying. But im sure you can do it!


skatagal

Also, dating makes me feel so trapped. Whenever I’m single I feel free and I don’t have to be loyal to anybody.


bpanio

Just sounds like you're not ready for a committed relationship. That's ok, you're only 20. There's no reason to rush into anything and it's not difficult to get your rocks off on your own lol. Stay single until you feel ready for it. A good partner won't make you feel trapped, and maybe the relationship you're looking for is an open one, but that'd be something you'd have to discuss with your partner


Acrobatic_Rock_

I'm twice your age and I can say that I felt the same: trapped in a relationship. That could be just a personality type. I prefer to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I was really tired of jealous boyfriends asking me who I'm going for lunch with, what shall we do on the weekends, which conference I'm going to, why I came 1h late from work. It's just exhausting!! OP, you're so young! Spend time developing your career, study, travel, make friends, have hobbies. Relationships are seriously overrated. Unless you're desperate to have children and start a family, don't waste your time on "relationships". Most men in their 20s are only there for hook-ups or string you into a relationship to get sex.


Vuldyn

I feel like that at 33. It's not like I just want to hookup with anyone I feel like or anything, but not having to worry about anyone else unless I choose to is peaceful. I have a couple close friends, family, and a young nephew, so if I want to be around people, I usually can. Unless I meet someone that doesn't take away from my peace, I don't think I'll be willing to date. It gets lonely sometimes, but that's why I got cats!


SteadfastEnd

I was never in a relationship until age 28.


a1180738

Close to reaching that mark. I turn 27 in December and my longest “relationship” was 10 days back when I was 20. Doesn’t even count honestly. I almost struck gold very recently and felt like I was going to have my first girlfriend. I really liked her, but we simply weren’t compatible enough. Still feel kinda down ab it :/


[deleted]

Chin up bro you’ll find someone don’t even trip. ![gif](giphy|26gsvAm8UPaczzXz2|downsized)


a1180738

Ppreciate you bruv. Steady getting better day by day


Chemical-Asparagus58

Do you even want to be in a relationship with a guy or at all? Why can't you trust anyone?


skatagal

I really want to, I’m just fucking scared. I can’t trust men because my biological dad cheated on my mom with multiple women before and even her best friend back then and I’ve heard awful stories about him. I have really bad trust issues but really want a relationship and to lose my virginity etc.. But I just can’t trust guys.


Illustrious_Oil_4630

But your bio father doesnt inherently make all men untrustworthy.... there are plenty out there with similar experience. Youre never gonna live life if you are governed by fear of what might happen. I highly highly highly suggest avoiding having kids until youre older, or maybe never. The fear of what might happen to them is otherworldly. And i am a rational social person with few fears Edit: added more


skatagal

Oh yeah no don’t worry I never wanted kids lol. I can’t even be in a relationship nor take care of myself. I have really bad unmedicated ADHD, and that’s where all my anxiety comes from. I have noticed the fear with my pet animals and stuff and things that might happen to them etc. I have had anxiety since the age of 13 which turned really bad and it’s pretty much severe now. I get xanax prescribed to me for my bad panic attacks with hyperventilation. I’ve been on antidepressants since the age of 18. :’) I was never a fan of kids nor ever desired them. Also a kid coming out of my fucking vagina sounds terrifying to me. Kids are something I do not wish for, and if I ever did I would adopt because I find that a lot better. I have to get my anxiety treated first and take care of my mental health. Also, I’ve always said - until I have a house, I do not want kids. Plus the world is overpopulated already & kids are fucking expensive. I’ve always said that I am the reason I do not want kids and it’s true. I don’t want kids.


After-Double-962

That's rough. I think you should talk to a therapist if you have the means to.


DeaconSage

Maybe start with some therapy. That way you feel more comfortable and prepared for the trust and emotional effort that goes in to a relationship. There’s no shame there, but it sounds like you’d benefit from having the right tools to give you the stable ground on which you can build a stable and healthy relationship


takosuwuvsyou

I mean, you should be scared to be honest, men can be dangerous. I recommend going to a gym first and bulking up so you can kick their asses.


Shacolicious2448

Honestly, it's not a race. Your first relationship and your first sexual encounter are great things, but they'll happen in time. You don't need to rush it or seek it out. If you're kind and receptive to people and open to forming relationships, you'll find the person for you. You're not behind the curve or anything. Just enjoy what you like doing, and if the right person comes along, be there for the journey.


[deleted]

Not all men out their are bad, but from what you heard and been through your feelings are completely justified. So instead of directly dating a guy why not start out as friends. Make a few guy friends, get to know them and hopefully that’ll help you overcome your fear of men. Who knows eventually you might end up liking one of these friends and you could start dating them.


skatagal

+ I have really bad generalised anxiety


Chemical-Asparagus58

Maybe you should talk with a psychologist about it.


skatagal

Yeah I am looking into that. I have bad anxiety and BPD and have to get that treated first I guess before I can date anybody and I think I’ll stop using tinder and dating apps.. Also I am slowly giving up on the guy because of his busy schedule and the fact that he smokes weed everyday since the age of 15 (he is 22 now) and is basically addicted.. and I don’t like that. But thank you.


id10T55

Definitely figure that out first. I was dating this girl for a while and things were going great. Then out of no where she says that she can't continue dating because her anxiety. Im not blaming her but that was a blow to me because she never talked about it, and suddenly just ended the relationship. Made me feel like it was my fault and really sucked. So please figure out your needs first before starting a relationship. And be upfront about that from the start to avoid any miscommunications later on.


skatagal

Yeah, I will. I know it’s very hard or can be very hard for both sides. I don’t think I’ll date anybody until I get my mental health under control. I don’t think I’ll develop anything serious with that guy either since I found out he’s addicted to weed today. But thanks for the advice, I’ll seek help first for my mental health. And i’ll stop using tinder and dating apps.


skatagal

Because I’m terrified of being cheated on


AllahAndJesusGaySex

I am not any kind of authority on normal, but if I could share my thoughts on this with you hopefully it will help you one way or the other. There are crappy people all over the place. Also you can’t control what other people do if someone wants to cheat you can’t stop them. Your mom though a very capable woman I’m sure. Still had a man cheat on her. Number 1 that’s not her fault. Number 2 you are not your mom. You should live your own life and have your own experiences good and bad. Just like there are crappy people everywhere. There are good people and everywhere in between out there. If you decide to date there will be crappy people that will try to get past your defenses, and more than likely a few will succeed, but that’s no failing on your part. You just have to remember what kind of partner you want and keep trying until you get them.


skatagal

That sounds really scary to me..I really have to fix my mental health first before I date anybody and I think I’ll do that first. My anxiety is really really bad, I’ve had it since the age of 13. But yeah thank you. I just don’t want to let anybody in because I am terrified of being abandoned too so being alone forever sounds better than being abandoned again. But thanks.


AllahAndJesusGaySex

No problem! I wish you the best of luck from the bottom of heart.


skatagal

Thank you, I appreciate that! ❤️‍🩹


djinbu

Hey. I'm a man who has been cheated on in every relationship except for one. I cheated once and will never do it again. For any reason. No matter how miserable I am. I can tell you that being cheated on is always a miserable experience. But each time it gets easier as well. I can also tell you I don't regret any of those relationships. There were plenty of good times to be had before the shitty end. Being cheated on is not something to be scared of. It says nothing about you. Nobody mocks the victim but nobody trusts the betrayer. Every time I find someone cheated, I immediately lose a ton of respect for them. But I also value moral integrity more than nearly anything else. The only way you're going to grow is to experience life and take risks. Will you get hurt? Possibly. But you have a significantly better chance of getting what you want by taking the risk because from what I can tell, you want a relationship you can trust while not getting hurt. You can't get either of those things let alone both by not taking a chance. That being said, there is literally no need to jump into a relationship. You could talk to a guy as friends for several months, just getting to know him without getting anything romantic. Worry about making friends first. Chances are, you'll find out if they're shitty after a few months without ever being to take a risk.


NoHedgehog252

I don’t think 20 years old is too atypical. Now, the reasons you’re giving are definitely atypical. It sounds like you may have some major social anxiety disorder. Might I suggest seeking out a therapist?


skatagal

Yeah I know about the major social anxiety. It’s gotten so bad trough out the years. I’ve tried multiple psychologists (=therapists) trough the years and the only ones who were able to help me were the clinical psychologists when I was hospitalised for my anxiety and ADHD etc.. But yeah I have yet to find a good psychologist outside the hospital that I click with and who can help me. Also they’re so freaking expensive even though here you get most of ur money back. But I am defo going to seek out help once I’ve gotten all of the other shit that I have to fix now fixed, which isn’t going to take long.


trinaryouroboros

It's abnormal as of 20 years ago, but I see this kind of normal today for some reason. Anyway, no risk no reward.


Echterspieler

I'm a 42 year old guy and I've never been in a relationship. I feel the same way. Don't want to get trapped in a bad one.


Puppy-Zwolle

Yes. Many may have had something that seemed like a relationship but real lasting relationships before 18 are rare. Just look at the break up numbers. So, instead of just dating to fit in you wait for at least something interesting? I'd call that smart. Edit............ I went through the comments and my answer changes very little. The older you get the better chances get a serious, non cheating, stable partners. But yeah, you still have to take a risk. Just remain gentle and kind. Keep everybody at arms length but not farther. You decide who can get closer and when. Cut toxic people and those that push you to ''grow up'' from your life and be happy with who you are. After that? Who knows. Just ensure everything goes at your pace. Wish you the best of luck. From somebody that had 2 girlfriends and married the second one at 35. A year after we started dating. Now 22 years ago. Don't be in a rush. It only messes you up.


from-a-land-far-away

Same girl same. But don't worry we are still young there's plenty of time.


smudgetimeusa

Step one get off Tinder.


NiceGuyRupert

Many great people - are not 'normal', they find their own way, on their terms.


skatagal

What do you mean?


miideku

I think what they mean is that certain people despite being known or shunned by others in public, (think Princess Diana, she believed she would never fit into the royal family since she didn’t follow their rules 100%, and was known as a very kind person regardless of their standards), people will always have a way to live true to themselves and what makes them happy. That being said, it’s alright if you’re not in a relationship at 20, even if it’s “normal” to kiss or date since beginning of middle school all throughout high school. It will take time to find someone who can meet your needs and love you for who you are, and hopefully you will be able to return their feelings! But there is no rush and it seems like you have many more internal problems, and should focus on finding peace in yourself before worrying about finding a partner. You will get there with time and patience, especially with yourself! ❤️


Imdatguy416

I’m 20M and I never been in a relationship 🤷‍♂️


baboobo

Dm OP lol


skatagal

His name is literally nippledick 😭


lovdagame

24 never dated the apps were not helpful but I hear women have better odds on them. The longer they chat with you without being a freak or NEEDING to meet likely have better odds and if you DO meet them bring your own people as a group thing away from where you hangout/live.


skatagal

Yeah actually you know, I love men who can talk to me like a normal human being without it ever turning sexual between the 2 of us. Men like that are golden. This guy, my love interest that I met has never sexualised me either even though I turned him on on accident when he was at the beach while I was talking about masturbation and stuff etc and he told me lol. But I apologised and he said his boner would go away because there’s a lot to topless older women around him. 🤣 And he said he’s not into older women thankfully. 🧍🏻‍♀️ I talk about stuff like this all the time with girlfriends and forget it can turn some men on. Literally forgetting dicks exist sometimes.


EndlesslyUnfinished

If this is an issue with you, it’s time to seek therapy. While you definitely have to be very cautious, you do need to take calculated risks if you want to meet people.


SproutMc

Doesnt sound like youre ready for a committed relationship. Maybe try building some trust within friendships for now, and if your virginal status is going to give you the kind of anxiety that will further inhibit you from having a significant relationship later on, just get it over with safely and casually so you can realize finally that its not actually that special at all and wasnt worth the bother.


MiketheTzar

Yeah. You're 20. You're still pretty young. Although that stark of a reaction might warrant visiting a therapist.


HumphreyGumphrey

I have 2 daughters and 2 stepdaughters, aged 18, 19, 25, and 27. None of them have ever been in a relationship with anyone, and don't plan to. I think that's fine and perfectly normal as well. You're still young, and you're smart to not jump at every opportunity because there are some real dirtbags out there, and it seems that you need to dig through 9 layers of shit before you find that diamond.


tyty657

It'll come along eventually. And stay off of tender people there just want to hook up.


HippieChick067

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will never find happiness unless you open your heart to it. All men are NOT like your dad. I am a 54 year old female. I have been married 3 times. Once when I was 20. It lasted 6 years. He passed away. Got married again 2 years later at 28. It lasted 4 years. I divorced him. He was an ass. Got married again 2 years later at 34. We have been together over 20 years, he is the love of my life. I thought I would die from grief over the previous two marriages. I didn’t. Opening up yourself to heartache is scary as hell but, I am so glad I took chances in love because, in the end , I got my soulmate. Don’t give up on love. It is amazing!


External_Grab9254

You can talk and get to know someone without any commitment. That's the point of dating that a lot of people miss. You're supposed to assess someone to see if you could be comfortable enough with them to start developing some intimacy. There's no rush or time limit in life or in relationships. You can be open to new connections but still take things at a pace that makes you comfortable, and if someone demands intimacy/commitment hard and fast, they are not for you.


tridentofchas

You are wise


dalekaup

No, you're fine. No rush. Don't ever think you need to keep pace with other people when it comes to relationships.


Misshell44

You’re super young. I found my first serious relationship when I was 27. Were there nights I was longing for intimacy and love? Yes. But did I get to enjoy my “party years” and did everything I absolutely wanted? Also yes. Chill.


Torrall

Yep! totally normal. If you find that fear really limiting your social life, especially if its impacting friendships as well as romantic relationships, it may be worth looking into. If you can afford therapy you should check it out. I am NOT claiming your fear is irrational or unjustified. You are right to be wary of people, especially men in the dating apps, unfortunately. Thankfully though there are lots of good people out there, you can find a partner. You probably need to talk to a professional about this level of fear though. I had very similar problems due to some childhood trauma that got in the way of me having healthy relationships for decades. Only if you find it absolutely restricting your dating and social life though. If you're just a bit wary, that's logical.


NotThisAgain21

The internet is a great way to find a lot of really f-cked up people, so I don't blame you and don't have any recommendations, but NO, it's not abnormal. My son is 19 and has never dated anybody. He's quiet but not dorky, so I don't know what the deal is; he just doesn't have any particular interest and is more concerned with his goals. I was practically married already by 19, so it is strange to me, but it does seem like your age group is just less interested in dating than mine was. Probably because all we had was face-to-face, and your relationships are heavily screen-based. They're a little more superficial than ours were, because we had to really like somebody to stay in touch with them, because doing so required more effort. (Nothing negative about that either)


Rude-Day-6028

99% of the time. The first relationship isn't going to be the only one. Better to get out and find what you want and what you don't want. People that cheat are going to do it regardless. And that's obviously not the one for you. Just be yourself and someone someday will think you're perfect for being yourself, but you'll never find that person if you're too afraid to look..


skatagal

I honestly don’t want to date anymore, I am too scared and it’s never been for me.


Known-Skin3639

It will happen when it happens. You will know when it's right. I dont suggest building walls around yourself to high though. Hard to tear em down some times. Tour gut will tell you.


skatagal

Think it’s too late not to build too high walls already.. 🥲 I’m terrified of being abandoned and cheated on. It feels better when I’m alone, I just can’t trust people. I honestly don’t think relationships are for me, and they’ve never been.


Known-Skin3639

Maybe not. You won't know until someone peaks over it to say hello. Give it the chance to happen. Maybe counseling for your trust issues. Maybe just putting yourself out there in a safe way with a group setting full of friends at a bar or restaraunt will help. Many ways to tear them down. But only you can start the demolition.


Known-Skin3639

Also my opinion of tinder is its just a meat market mentality. I met mybwife on line 27 years ago but it was not like tinder. It was simple message boards. On line works but i dont like what it's become.


greatplainsskater

I think perhaps your Mom may have projected a lot of her traumatic experiences onto you—which has definitely affected how you see the world. When you get into therapy you can get help in sorting out YOUR boundaries and you can begin to decide for yourself what to believe about life and the world. Sometimes intense parents don’t realize what they are doing. You have a right to your OWN beliefs and experiences. You can try to empty all of the anxiety out for a bit and start asking yourself whether what you are afraid of started with you—or your Mom freaking you out. Which would scare ANYONE to have to hear all that negativity. Take some time to do you—and decide HOW you want to be and feel. And then own it. You’re a smart one—I know you’ve got this!


87fhbp

Don’t be scared. The experience of love is worth any pain it may cause. The initial honeymoon phase, getting super close and comfortable with someone, it’s the best feeling. Some people get cheated on. You know what you do? You say fuck em, you overcome the pain, you learn the red flags and the next guy is better. I would rather experience love and get cheated on than never experience love at all. You heal from it. But it’s likely not going to even happen. I have never been cheated on. The guy I am dating now I trust with my life, he’s like the male version of me, it’s an amazing feeling. A level of comfort that’s beyond what you could even have with a best friend. The other day I clogged the toilet, which I never do, and I never had to use a plunger in my life. My boyfriend makes me feel so safe that I was able to tell this man I clogged the toilet and needed help. This man watched me attempt to flush the clogged toilet, my poop come back up and start overflowing, watched me frantically attempt to scoop my poop water with the trash can to stop the toilet from over flowing, and just laughed while trying to help me and then helped me clean my shit water off the fucking floor. Love is a beautiful thing. Connecting with someone on that level is worth any pain it may cause. And it isn’t even guaranteed it’ll cause any pain. It took many relationships to find the guy I am with now, and I am thankful for all the failures because they taught me so much and I appreciate my boyfriend that much more because of it. I do recommend working through your trust issues with a therapist or something because trust issues themselves can hurt relationships. You’ll wanna work through that. But definitely give a relationship a try, if it causes you pain you’ll heal, I have had a couple horrible broken hearts and they don’t bother me a bit now. You’ll survive if shit goes wrong. It’s worth it, trust me.


greatplainsskater

Awesome words. Really really good. And after exiting a shit marriage last year you give me hope that a Better Someone is out there!


NoFaithlessness8752

Nothing wrong with that . You should talk to someone about your trust issues though, could be a long miserable life for you.


PracticalCap1234

Nope. What you're describing is called splitting. Borderlines, narcissists and trauma victims do it. See a psychologist..


skatagal

Yeah actually I tend to split a lot and most of the times I realise I am doing it and just vent on the internet and try to not split on people themselves because then it gets really bad, other times I have no clue I am splitting just like I had no clue this was splitting as well. Pretty sure I have BPD. My stepdad is a narcissist and I see right trough him. He has all the symptoms and claims there’s nothing wrong with him. Pretty sure my mom has BPD too or either NPD since she claims there’s nothing wrong with her either but starts crying from the smallest things. She shows more emotions than my stepdad and listens to me more about my mental health issues so I think she has BPD with hints of narcissism or maybe both. But thank you - I think a clinical psychologist could help me the most with that, since a lot of of other psychologists here who aren’t clinical and don’t work in hospitals don’t get it (BPD, etc..). My clinical psychologist I was getting treated by while I was hospitalised for my anxiety and ADHD hinted to me that what I have is really big and has already turned into my whole personality. And yeah you guessed it BPD is a personality disorder. That’s when I knew it for sure, and he didn’t want to give me a diagnosis because I was only 18 back then.. Also I have really bad ADHD but I’m sure this is not because of the ADHD. The anxiety is because of the ADHD though. I’ve read a lot about mental health issues when I was a teen (13 and up). The ADHD - I can live with. The anxiety - I can live with, I’ve learned how to cope. The BPD especially the splitting = literal murder. However the clinical psychologist back then in the hospital did say I can’t probably cure it however he did say I could learn how to live and cope with it. So I’m still living by those words and gonna seek out help ASAP. Thank you.


[deleted]

ㅈㄷ'ㄱㄷ ㅐㅜ 솓 ㄴ믇 ㅔㅁㅎㄷ 🥲 We're on the same page. I'm also having a hard time trusting men but I haven't dated all men so, there's nothing wrong with opening your heart again. Time will come someone will change your perspective and if not, don't force yourself just because you are pressured. 럏소ㅑㅜㅎ! 😎


dickelpick

Whatever you are experiencing right now is normal. If you want things to be different, make it so. The most important thing is to be careful and safe. Never, ever put yourself in jeopardy of physical danger, EVER!!!! I can assure you being physically harmed is not worth it. That being said, have fun. Try to have some fun. Relationship’s are totally overrated, but also wanting to experience them is a part of being human.


allT0rqu3

Read ‘The Courage to be Disliked’, cover to cover, slowly. Contemplate each interaction within it. It could change your life. We have a terrible habit of making untruths in our belief system by our experiences of the past.


skatagal

I would love to but I have severe ADHD. What’s it about? Also I love ur avatar, huge fan of stranger things myself.


allT0rqu3

So do I but I got through it. Its about so many things. Not living in the past or the future. Not believing the lies we tell ourselves to keep us from breaking out of our comfort zones. Forget the past, forget the ADHD. Make a choice to do what you want to and you can.


skatagal

Oh that sounds very interesting thanks, I would defo check it out. Yeah I just meant that my ADHD prevents me from reading books sometimes but I will defo check this one out. If I have to I’ll force myself to read it even tho if it’s interesting to me I don’t have to force myself


One-Eagle6149

Don’t worry it’s normal, take your time and make sure your ready and don’t rush into it, I’ve rushed relationships and it kinda ruined them for me, you’re doing great and one day you’ll find the right guy and you’ll just click


[deleted]

I'm a 22 female who's never been in a relationship due to my life circumstances not from lack of desire. I relate to you a lot. I'm also afraid of being taken advantage of by men. That is totally justified. Men are horrible to women. My only advice is to go slow. My mom says that a girl should really trust a guy before sex (so, no one night stands). Don't move to physical stuff until your ready. One step at a time.


HeraBaby

I found my boyfriend through a video game we both played online. We had a mutual friend that introduced us basically. I fell harder for him than I have ever even believed was possible. I was fresh out of a 13 year abusive relationship and going through a divorce and custody battle. I wasn’t looking for love, but I found it and was terrified. I don’t like being vulnerable, my marriage broke every ounce of my being but I’ve been opening up slowly to my boyfriend and trust him enough to let him see me vulnerable and he hasn’t hurt me once. I say all of this to show you that I understand. It’s hard to meet people, harder to trust them and the hardest (in my opinion) is to be vulnerable with them. But it IS possible. It takes time and it’s scary. If you ever need to chat, you can message me!


flipitninja

It's completely normal to feel reserved; do *not* beat yourself up over never having been in a relationship. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 19 despite us liking each other since we were 14. I built that up in my mind for so long and the relationship lasted 4 months. The girl I met next became my wife who I've been with for 5 years now. Please understand two things: 1. A relationship doesn't need to be perfect to be good, and 2. A relationship doesn't need to be bad to not be right. You will be hurt and you will hurt others, just don't let yourself be *okay* with hurting someone you're with and don't let someone you're with be *okay* with hurting you. Also please please please let yourself build a friendship with someone first, before a relationship. People who say you can't be friends first are lying to you and, deeper down, to themselves.


skatagal

I have and have had a lot of friends but tend to push everyone away because of my BPD..


shyervous

You’re good homie


Pavlock

I don't know what, if anything, can be called normal but it's not weird if that helps. Never used Tinder, but I've read that it's kind of a trainwreck for women, particularly if you're looking for something serious. The not going out and not trusting men thing might be something you need help with. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could use to meet people? Not necessarily men. A network of women you know and trust can help put you in a safe, comfortable situation that will make putting yourself out there more palpable. The best advice I ever got about dating is to not overthink it. I had my best success with dating when I stopped trying to win over the ladies and just acted normal. It'll happen.


OGthrowawayfratboy

37 here, and just started to break free from this dateless cycle. The moment I hit rock bottom pit of despair from being so lonely for so long, I quit caring about being in a relationship and the whole universe opened itself to me.


skatagal

Honestly it’s the same with me always as well, it’s so weird. When you stop caring everything comes to you I’ve noticed. It finds you and you don’t have to look for it.


Darkflame815

OP you're focused way too much into one single aspect of relationships. You should seek a therapist first, forget about relationships for a bit. I know the media and everything makes us believe we need a partner or a "love story" to be fulfilled, truth is, no, you need to focus on yourself. What do you want and where you are going are way more important right now. Talk with your friends irl, set goals for yourself, stop thinking about romantic relationships, and I'm not saying it will happen, but the less you think about it, the easier is to find prospects. Also, cheating is not as normal as many think, don't get too attached to people too fast and eventually you will learn to trust not only people but your own institution. Like many have said, you're only 20, you're so young, and again not weird to be single or never have been in a relationship, it's not a race, chill a bit and enjoy the trip.


Royal-Orchid-2494

Sure why not. Don’t worry about that though. Just have goals and keep grinding


skatagal

Always. ❤️‍🩹


Long-Any

I was like this, I’d *kinda* had a relationship but I was never really comfortable in it. Then when I was 21 I got asked for a drink by an old school friend I hadn’t seen in a few years to catch up and we’ve now been together for four years, engaged, have a baby and are looking at properties today and tomorrow. It was completely comfortable from day one and it feels like we’ve been together forever


skatagal

Wait I actually freaking love your love story. Thanks for sharing and that’s very good for you and I am very happy for you really! Maybe one day it could happen to me, without the baby part cos I don’t want kids haha.


WEDHAD

IT’S OK you don’t need to be in a realtionship


skatagal

True! Your avatar character thingy is so cute.


SadBeans82

Nah there’s nothing wrong with it. 23 year old guy here, never been in a relationship. Not really in any rush to be in one either. I stay inside my apartment 95% of the time unless I need to get groceries or visit my parents if they need help. I’ve never really liked the idea of dating apps. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship and even get married but, I’m in no rush to get to there. It’s rough out there finding someone you can trust… I just want someone to cuddle with and play video games with lol. I’m sure you’ll find someone though, but also there’s nothing wrong with being single either. It does get lonely, but some days it’s nice not having to deal with others


skatagal

Yooo sad beans you are cute af. Please don’t be sad sad beans. That sounds nice and all but are you sure you don’t want a relationship yet? I mean why is your name sad beans. I don’t want anybody to be sad. Also, may I ask how you have your own apartment at the age of 23? Or it’s not yours you’re just hiring? I live in western Europe, Belgium to belgium specific and I really want my own apartment in Antwerp or something however they are so expensive here!!!!!! Yeah honestly I don’t like marriage nor kids. Too much of a hassle all of it. But I love me a healthy serious relationship and a healthy life though. Cuddling and video games is what my love interest guy is into too and I love these 2 things as well I find that adorable and it melts my heart. I love video games a lot haha. But I really hope you find your SO soon sad beans and don’t rush into things either but I see that you aren’t which is good. And please don’t stay sad!


SadBeans82

I’m honestly not sure with myself if I want one or not lol. Maybe I just like the idea of it. I live on the east side of the US and the apartment is fully mine lol, the job I have allows me to live on my own in a fairly nice apartment while also working remotely. I don’t want kids either, but I feel like it would be nice to be married and take on life with a SO in a healthy relationship. Maybe I’ll end up living on my own for my whole life because I never put myself out there lol, but I try to stay hopeful that maybe I’ll run into someone out of sheer luck… dating these days seems like navigating a minefield and I’d rather not deal with that lmao


One_User134

Let me tell you this. Since you’re struggling with issues within yourself, pursue self love and inner peace - you want to be confident in yourself and know that *you are good enough*. Most of our insecurities, anxieties, and fears come from doubting ourself, it’s not other people much of the time at all. When you know you’re good enough and are happy with yourself you can have a much more clear, uninhibited view of your situation and you may realize that you can find someone you trust enough to date seriously, and more importantly, that you are worthy of being loved so. I would recommend you only date to find a life partner; love is the most valuable thing in a relationship. Do not pursue anything or anyone that will give you less than that. Love is all that you need here - first for yourself, then for a man (and from him in return). And yes it’s normal and actually not a big deal at all that you haven’t been in a relationship. If you’re around people your age that are making you feel like that, or outright telling you…I’m telling you right now they don’t know any better. Ignore them.


yousafzai10

`It's great to be in yours 20s with zero relationships instead of falling into some toxic relationship. Maybe you got someone's blessing that you are protected one day you will surely meet the man whom you would trust till eternity.` `All the very best!`


skatagal

You sound like a great and very positive person, thank you for this I really appreciate it. Love you.


pat_ur_head

I used to think something was wrong with me- I knew I was keen on men but I was too scared to have a relationship with one. It’s taken me a very long time to realise that with that mind set you have a higher chance of choosing a man who treats you like crap. You’re young. Don’t do what you think should be happening because of societies pressure and work out who you are, what your values are in life and stick to those like glue because that’s what will guide you through this all. If you can’t trust men it’s because you were taught not to trust them through your childhood experience… you need to process that stuff properly and that takes time. Be curious. Educate yourself on who you are and focus on you being you… Best of luck! Edit: dating sites are horrible. Best thing is to form friendships first in social activities… this might also help break this notion of untrustworthy men. Focus on frienship over relationships as a starting point


this_strange_fox

I do not know whether it's "normal" or not, and it doesn't matter, either. Don't search for a relationship if you are scared. As long as you're not aromantic, you will develop feelings for someone sooner or later. Meeting people can't be avoided completely and life goes on strange ways sometimes. You might just meet someone per coincidence, whom you'll trust enough that they won't cheat. You don't have to rush anything. No partner is better than a partner whom you don't trust.


daddydane123

Instincts are supposed to be trusted, people are majority shitty, just do you , if you think you are going too far you probably are, you think you need to wait and cant trust someone , probably can’t 🤧👀


MP_New_Beginning

There is no such thing as normal. You do you. Whatever people want for you, and don’t get, that’s their problem, not yours. If YOU believe it’s a deeper problem, seek therapy or counseling. Only if you believe it warrants as such. Unhealthy fears can be more damaging than helpful. But there’s also a reason they’re there.


elleJeyLay

Normal is hard to define bcz experiences & opportunities to meet people are so vastly different. It takes awhile for most people to find their person. Take it easy on yourself. You'll find them.


Pineapple91939

Im a recently turned 23 year old guy who has never been in a relationship, I have girls who flirt with me all the time but I suck at small talk and flirting like you would not believe😂 I have been extremely lonely throughout the majority of my life, but I refuse to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I have to work on myself first and when I am happy with who I am, someone who is also happy with who they are will come along and notice me in the same boat. I guess what im trying to say is maybe work on your self growth, because no one should be more important than yourself.


greatplainsskater

Okay. Whoa. That was a 💩 psychologist that TOLD you whatever symptoms you are having had “taken over your personality.” No. People in America can get in a lot of trouble for making blanket statements and saying grandiose things like that. Definitely time to get a second opinion on that! I think it sounds like you’ve been subjected to a lot of difficult people—I believe you when you say that your Mom and Step Dad are Narcissists. And one of the most powerful textbook moves of a narcissist is manipulation/gaslighting. Living with that kind of Drama day in day out is enough to nudge anyone into the hospital. Just because you’ve developed some trust issues, ruminating thoughts and a little phobia doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. It really doesn’t. When I think of narcissism it can often be I hate you don’t leave me. Narcissistic parents often gobble their children in some way so they don’t wander off and “leave” them—which is normal growing up and having your own life! I had a friend, acquaintance really that was borderline. And she was a handful. She was incredibly needy and while she did have some other serious health problems she was definitely manipulating me to help her with things. It’s like she took my compassion and tried to translate that into a long to-do list. The day she flipped out on me because I didn’t come over to help her with something because my daughter needed help with something related to preparing for her wedding she went off on me like an insane person. So I blocked her. You do NOt sound like that kind of person. Check out Patrick Teahan’s YouTube Channel. He’s a therapist that has over 230 videos on Everything. He’s a Trauma therapist and he has lots of material on Narcissism and BPD. This will be a reliable source of information for you. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself and try to relax and practice some self care. It’s gonna be alright.


refracted_light3

You’ve been spared from a lot of pain and turmoil. It’s not weird at all. Just take your time. Despite what our culture tells us, romantic and sexual relationship is not the height of love.


Mirrevirrez

I was 21 when i had my first boyfriend for 3 years. It did not work out, and it was painfull when he ended it with an ultimatum that i couldnt accept. But i still wouldnt have been withouth that experience. Life is all about ups and downs. And its only you that decide what you want to focus on. Just dont rush anything and it will fall to place.


butterscotchland

Yes of course. Most people that age haven't been in a relationship.


skatagal

Actually most people I know and most of my friends have.. maybe not serious relationships, but some kind of relationship.


[deleted]

I was in a relationship at 27. It made me realize I didn't want to be in a relationship at all. It just isn't for me. Whatever you decide for yourself is normal


emma7734

Yes


SamGropler

Yes.


Odd-Satisfaction-328

Doesn't mean it's perfect, but have you tried a church?


skatagal

I don’t believe in god 👹


[deleted]

are you a schizo lol


skatagal

No, do I sound like one?


K_BlueJayy

Believe me. It’s okay that you haven’t. I honestly wish I had waited myself and I can understand and relate to your circumstances. If you want to meet people I recommend trying something other than Tinder, there’s too much risk there. Set your settings to local singles to reduce the risk of a catfish. This is just my opinion but maybe talk to someone about your anxiety? Like a counselor or someone? That way you have a way to talk through anxiety. Ultimately when you’re ready and try to make a connection with someone, don’t go in with relationship expectations first. Try trust and then turn to relationship. I’m no professional but I hope that helps.


[deleted]

[удалено]


HelixViewer

It is saddening to me to hear your story. Do not let your mother's experience determine what will happen to you. First, understand that most of the men on that dating app are not looking for relationships. They may cause more of the pain you are trying to avoid. The men you want must be found in real life. They are not rare but they are hard to see. They may not be tall or a football star. At your age they tend to be quiet and do not speak well. They have no game and are socially awkward. They do tend to know what they want to do later. It may be something boring like accounting or engineering. These are the guys who by age 35 will own homes, a nice car and have developed a good career making $130k+. These are the guys who will not lie to you. Will not cheat on you. Realize that you need to find them now. If you wait until you are 35 they will likely have found someone and married years earlier. They are not popular now. They will be later.


ShelterDue2170

Totally normal. Join an adult kickball team. Plenty of examples.


skatagal

Damn no need to roast people like that.


eathquake

My current girlfriend has only been in 2 relationships (counting me) due to her fear of men. She only was able to get with me because she knew talked to therapist and her friends reconnected us when she was having problems. If a man is trusted by ut fenale friends and offers no help no strings attached, thats a good place to start. If it fails then u just try to get out as amicably as possible


skatagal

With me it’s always that I don’t trust guys who have female friends because most of the times they do hanky panky together. Like friends with benefits stuff.


Ecstatic_Soft4407

I think you might want to see a therapist. There is no real age where you should do this or that by.


Remarkable-Ear6314

I also am going through the same thing right now so you’re not alone. I’m 20 also


MaskedCommitment

I am currently 20, I started dating young but many of my friends have never been in relationships. It’s very common


Apatheiah

If you are afraid, stay away from relationships. When you stop being afraid of being hurt, then you will be ready.


harlotScarlett

Girl Im 25 and have never been in a relationship, youre good haha. Although I’d had a few hookups and flings


skatagal

Yeah no see I’m still a virgin yikes.


cjboffoli

First, you might abandon the concept of what is normal. Plenty of people don't have relationships (and/or sex) until the timing feels right to them. So it's normal for you and that's OK. Plus, this seems to be a trend with your generation having less sex and taking longer to find love. So I expect you have many peers who are in the same position. Second, love is always a gamble. We always go into it with high hopes for success. but just about everyone has to work at relationships, romantic and otherwise, and many of us don't succeed after multiple tries. The key is not viewing these experiences as failures, but instead looking at them as attempts at success. Even the worst relationship will have a richness of experience in itself by way of teaching you something about yourself. Maybe get some talk therapy for the trust issues as they seem to be inducting anxiety that is a roadblock to your goal of having a loving relationship (and also preventing you from relieving yourself of the burden of your virginity). Someone is out there waiting to love you in just the way you need and want to be loved. Don't give up.


spaghetti-o_salad

Do you have solid friends or a good friend group? At 20 this was much more important for my wellness than a relationship. Its also important to build an intimate relationship with yourself. I think the other things will be easier if you have a solid foundation with good friends and intimate self knowledge.


skatagal

I don’t really, I have some friends but never got too close to them and I don’t want to bc I feel judged sometimes. I’ve always been bad at making and keeping friends and tend to push everyone away because of my BPD and fear of abandonment. I need therapy asap.


andio76

Well yea....I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 23........ But I had mad sex starting at 17 so......it evened out ![gif](giphy|L0FFYow8bQvqE)


Forsaken-Original-82

Find a hobby that is somewhat social, such as birding. The hobby will give you a goal. You will get out of the house, meet new like-minded people, and possibly meet a friend that can blossom into more. You have many years to figure this out. Don't rush it, just let it flow.


skatagal

That’s so boring sorry but that doesn’t give my ADHD brain enough dopamine. I am really into fashion and photography but yeah idk how to get back into them since I fell out a couple of years back because of depression. Oh yeah and I go to a lot of concerts and festivals from my fave artists. But a lot of them are filled with underage girls and my 24 year old friend and me are often one of the older ones lol. And like I’m not a pedo.


jiickken

nah it’s not weird. relationships, especially with Straight Men, are a minefield. add anxiety and trauma and like,, I can totally sympathize with the fear. make friends first and be aware of their nature, build trust slowly and maybe it’ll work out


guy30000

Yes. You need to work on your trust issues first. You need to get out there. Offer your trust. Some people will break it some will honor it. You will learn and develop. This is all part of growing up.


BOOBOOk9

Take you time… there isn’t a score card. Make friends that’s where love is found.


IngloriousBadger

Yes it is normal. Move at your own pace.


DeaconSage

I’d say more normal than abnormal. They happen when they happen :)


Jack_Hush

There are people who wait for marriage. Im not meaning just sex either. So its not un heard of.


skatagal

I don’t want marriage, I just want a healthy relationship and a healthy life I guess. But yes, I need to get our of my parents’ toxic household first I guess and find a therapist.


Jack_Hush

Youll get there! Step by step. Its a process. Best of luck!


Heydude161

On Reddit? Yes.


skatagal

That’s so vague man.


PWilliam91

Yea


boneholio

Don’t pressure yourself into anything you’re not comfortable with, or force yourself into thinking that you’re doing something wrong. You’re gonna be alright, but you gotta take care of yourself first.


TirayShell

Maybe people just bug you too much that can happen.


skatagal

Yeah I tend to speak a lot on the internet, real life I am the same but more reserved. I have different opinions than people sometimes and my own view of the world and am not like a sheep who follows the herd like a lot of people like to do. That’s why I am often an easy target for a lot of people or they think I am an easy target. I also have heavy unmedicated ADHD.


skatagal

In real life, in high school I was bullied for 4 years because I did my own thing because I found this one girl that everyone was following pathetic. She attacked me with words multiple times through out the 2 or 3 years she was at that school and I learned how to stand up for myself irl too which I couldn’t do in the first year at that school. Sometimes I would ignore them, when it got too much I would speak up. But it made me though. My main bully moved to another school 2-3 years into being in the same class as me and I’m pretty sure I made her move lol. She’s been in a long term relationship for a while now and I’m happy for her honestly. I haven’t talked to her since year 2 or 3 of high school. I’m out of high school now. The 5th year of high school I moved to a different school and it was the best decision I had made in my short life back then. I made a lot of friends in that school and it was the year in which I also was getting therapy and started antidepressants which helped me a lot too. 2020-2021. Corona messed me up when it started being a thing here, that’s why I had to get hospitalised. I spent my 18th bday in a hospital and so far it’s been the best bday yet. (Messed me up mentally, I got corona for the first time his august! Lol)


forgottenfries

It's a matter of time my friend, dont be afraid of being afraid, I read some of your responses and we'll, I understand why you feel that way, and with anxiety on top you must be feeling awful about it, but please remember trust is the base for a relationship and you won't be able to trust without knowing someone, I don't mean go out and meet people, no what I mean is you can definitely take your time, and please do! You won't get trust right away, or a relationship or just sex, you first need to know someone, to meet and talk n shit, just like any other friend. Trust wise , yes I'll admit men are shit and I'm a man lol, but not all of us are, and someday you'll find a guy who can prove that to you, even if not romantically. Why don't you start with just having male friends too? Trusting someone you know won't cheat on you (because you're not together) will help you with getting to trust a relationship


natenedlog

You keep doing what you’re doing until such a time as you feel comfortable and ready. Shit isn’t a contest. Date yourself, and learn to truly love yourself; learn from those around you on what to do/not to do; learn what it is you want from a relationship. And most importantly, remember communication is the key.


OlderThanTheWorld

Your previous experience with male role models is not great, but it doesn't tell you anything about men in general or what your own relationships will be like. Get some counselling. Pay attention to your relationships and the people you let into your life. Don't blindly trust, but trust. Ask questions. Learn about your Beaus and be actively involved in your relationships. They don't run all by themselves. That's how you build solid, strong relationships that will serve you well throughout your life.


windliza

All of the advice to work on your mental health is good and important. But also, if you are looking for a guy who is in it for the long haul, maybe try a site other than tinder. That's a hookup site for the most part. Look for one that is better for people actually looking for relationships if you are looking for a real relationship.


Icy_Walrus3315

Dig a hole, burn some wood, try throwing bottles behind a Wawa


KitaClassic

Crappy childhood history rears it’s ugly head again. I had similar trust issues and it messed up a lot of relationships in the past. However, you already know some of the issues and are facing up to them, so you are ahead of the curve. Sharing your fears is a good start, though if they are too strong and debilitating, I do recommend counselling. Accept that while some relationships are doomed to failure. It is that way for all of us. I feel that the key is to value yourself and appreciate that you are worthy of a good life (with or without someone else). But, if you don’t take some risks, you will not succeed.


toxic9813

well if you don't trust men you should probably seek therapy. There are dozens of good men out there. There are dozens of us!


Usual-Engineer-6410

Yes it’s normal


Apprehensive_Kiwi_12

I’m a 20 year old dude and I feel the same way. To answer your q though I’d say it’s very normal, it all just depends on the person


NookEBetts

Yes she’s only 20 and very much still a kid


Nephian4287

The normalcy of this is relative to region and background. In some places... yes.


Simple_Ecstatic

If you ever met someone you are interested in and want to start a relationship, I would highly recommend starting therapy at the same time, you can talk to the therapist about your relationship and they can guide you to make sure it's a healthy relationship.


MrZaroni

You're kinda bouncing all over the place. I suspect OP may have some type of anxiety here.


Late_Slide_2954

Tinder is weird. Starting w my picture thats not even me but my video game character lmao…😭


Mary_P914

Remember, normal is a setting on the washing machine. When it comes to relationships, what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Some people start relationships very very early in life, and others start much later. When you are ready and the time is right, you will meet someone and get into a relationship. In the meantime, don't be afraid of being different.


minivan2022

Yes 100% normal


EasternShade

Don't worry about normal. Do what works for you. If you have deep trust issues, seeing a therapist might be a benefit. But, that's just a life thing, not a relationship thing.


[deleted]

Not that unusual.


ProbabBee

To put it simply, no it's not normal With that being said... Taking a single look at your post/comment history, we all know exactly why that is the case.


skatagal

Because of ADHD, severe anxiety and BPD. Lmao.


oportoman

Get off Tinder. There are better dating apps out there.


[deleted]

Don’t go working yourself up over it, I was nearly 21 before I had my first relationship. It’ll happen when you’re ready for it to happen. Just don’t over think things and just focus on being happy and living your best life.


z981021

Sussy baka


jwcyranose

It’s good! That’s something you don’t want to hurry into!


DumbassAsian

It’s normal, and fine, most teenage relationships are a mess anyways. Also most people say this so I’m probably echoing but honestly just live ur life without trying to find someone to desperately because the uncomfortable need for a partner is more obvious than u think and that’ll just make u attract either the wrong people or no one at all. I don’t wanna sound harsh about it or anything sorry. Dating apps are iffy, they work only for a certain type of people and maybe u see it or maybe u aren’t but often times getting off of dating apps or using them less seriously will help u a lot with how people act in person fr and not just online


[deleted]

If you think a man saving your life is the most integral part of a relationship, you may want to rethink what you want in a relationship.


skatagal

I actually never said that so pls don’t twist my words. I can save myself thank u very much.


Chickygal999

Wasnt in a relationship until I met my husband to be at 21.....met a lot of guys.....just didnt wanna date them.


skatagal

Oh yeah same, but now I met this guy I actually really like. I just have to cope with the BPD splitting somehow. But I’ll do it.


MaintenanceSmart7223

Maybe try women?


skatagal

What I was thinking too and don’t get me wrong I love women with all my heart but they can cheat and be really manipulative too and sometimes even more than guys. I consider myself bi even though I could never have an emotional attachment with a woman which means I can’t be romantically involved with women. I consider women to be friends and I can have sexual relationships with women and be sexual active with a woman, but nothing else. I can’t fall in love with a woman. I am very weird. It’s more fulfilling to me to have a relationship with the opposite gender. I am however able to usually get turned on by a woman , like a lot. But I can’t be in love with them. I’ve never been in love with a woman.


demabird

I haven't been with anyone until 23 and even then I regret the people I dated. no need to rush


Delicious_Cookie_915

I’d say consider yourself lucky


skatagal

How so?


AwardSilly5598

I feel the same about not meeting people, but I hope you find out how to meet someone and I hope you can tell me if you find out how


skatagal

Honestly I have met the most people (my friends) trough stan twitter and concerts from our fave artists! I have made a lot of girl friends trough tinder too, boy friends not so much since they always tried / wanted to have sex with me. If you go on tinder which I don’t actually recommend, look mostly for making friends and not hook ups or serious relationships. Dating apps are honestly nothing for me unless it’s Bumble and I have the option to match people as friends.


AwardSilly5598

Thanks, and I get it all I ever got off tinder is people trying to get me to buy their snapchat premium


CleanMasterpiece6911

YES. Dont let people tell you it isnt. We all on our own paths


Heuveltonian

Why don’t you concentrate on making male friends? I’m a woman who used to work in a male dominated field. I had lots of male friends and really enjoyed it. You’ll see that guys are actually big-hearted and kind for the most part. I think it could help you with your trust issues.


Curious_CatWasKilled

Wished I didn’t enter a relationship until I was at least 22.


CRL10

You're 20. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone. But get off the Tinder.