By - nurseperkins
But isn’t him taking the baby taking him away from his mom? Why are you not allowed to take the baby but he is? If this is his rule, it is an unfair one.
If it is hard to decide the criteria to leave, decide the criteria to stay. If this was a new relationship, how would they have to behave for you to move your child in with them? If they do not behave this way, you should not live together.
This is great advice, the longer we’re with someone the easier it is to excuse bad behavior but asking yourself if this would be acceptable in a new relationship is wonderful advice.
Right? Game changing logic right there.
Never have thought about this thank you very much ! Eliminates alot of the brainstorming for reasons to give someone else the benefit of the doubt
Keep you and your son at your current home if you think separation is in your future. Your lawyer will thank you later!
It's time to leave. This is not a good environment for you or that baby. Don't let him know you're leaving, don't give any indication you plan to. He is showing extremely abusive signs and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave. Make plans behind his back, have a safe escape plan, and get out. You can do this, you're strong enough. Use that strength to get yourself and that baby away from him.
It is. Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft https://www.bookdepository.com/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Lundy-Bancroft/9780425191651
"He's [list of physically violent outbursts] but it's only happened three times."
"He says if I just listen to what he needs this wouldn't happen... I may be causing [arguments]."
There are a lot of red flags here. Please consider your own health and safety and that of your son. I can't tell you what to do, but bottom line, never stay "for the kid." At the end of the day, that will just teach your son that if he's miserable in a relationship that he should just stay.
Right. Breaking a baby gate or a chair is extremely unstable behavior. It's not ONLY three times. It's *holy shit this guy is breaking things around the house on purpose out of anger.*
*looks over at husband’s graveyard of smashed phones and other broken things*
That's unacceptable. Please be safe.
Thank you. Actually on the phone with my dad right not talking about stuff.
Well adjusted people do not break things out of anger. Any times.
My mom stayed "for the kids" and my father finally stopped beating her when I finished highschool and only divorced her when he found a new woman after my youngest sibling finished highschool too. It was hell growing up in that house.
I'm sorry you had to live through that that is horrible for everyone involved
Thanks! We the children were lucky to have had some good influences outside the family and later on access to a bit of therapy. I guess you could say we turned out alright but people can't see the sadness that we carry with us. We are all past 30 and living unmarried with our respective partners and not in a hurry to have kids at all. We have huge issues about trust and family/ society pressure and so on.
A helpful perspective may be to think about the fact that children often become or normalize what’s modeled for them. If your son treated his spouse the way your husband treats you, how would that feel to witness? Or if your son was treated by a partner the way you’re being treated now, would you feel okay about that? If either scenario is one you don’t want your son to end up in as an adult some day, then you should leave.
This is why I left my ex, if I realized if I ever saw a man treat my daughter the way he treated me and she just dealt with it I'd be devastated and do everything to get her away from it.
I had a kind of epiphany of she sees me dealing with it daily and is gonna grow up thinking it's normal and how relationships should be
You did great! There’s plenty of research that has proved it’s exactly what happens, the girls grow up to look for in a relationship exactly what they have experienced at home, seeing how the father figure treats the mom. If the mom is being abused by her partner, the kid is more likely to grow up to be someone more prone to get in relationships where they too are abused.
So it’s super important to not ever let them view being with an abusive partner as normal.
Obligatory INAL so please consult with a professional ASAP. Here are a few things that I learned after leaving someone very similar.
Do not let him leave with your son again. He's proven that he's not acting in the best interest of your child, you have a duty to protect him at this point.
1. If you are not concerned for your safety do not move out of your home. Do everything you can to stay in your primary residence. Pack his things and send him to live with family if at all possible.
2. If you are concerned for your safety please find somewhere else to live or stay with a relative as soon as possible.
3. Gather and make copies of all of your important documents, give them to your parents for safe keeping. I also recommend scanning them to a thumb drive and keep it somewhere that he cannot access. Have your Dad take anything of profound sentimental value to you. If things go sideways these are the things that get broken first.
4. Document everything, each time he loses his temper around your son. Document everything that happened tonight before you forget the details. Get a spiral notebook and just keep a running log of every incident, include date/time/witnesses if any.
5. Make sure you know where all of your money is, joint accounts, credit cards, saving accounts, investments. Do not empty any accounts, this is frowned upon in court. If you think there is a chance that he will divert assets, or prevent you from accessing money to live on, I recommend going and buying gift cards to your local grocery store/target/walmart etc.
6. Consult with a divorce attorney, do not let him tell you what your custody arraignment will be. There is a chance he will make what I call "statements of fact" its something my ex used to do, just statements that sound vaguely factual and make you question your sanity or case.... it's gaslighting and it's bullshit. Do not let him bully you into thinking that you are the problem, you are not.
7. Get a therapist. This is hard, you are not a failure, your son will only benefit from living with a healthy stable adult.
8. Change all of your passwords and security questions. Turn off the location on your phone and log out of your icloud. Depending on the level of crazy he gets to you might want to get a PO Box for your mail and change all of your credit cards. These cases are hard because you never really know who you are with until you leave them.
This is the best I've got for the moment, good luck and stay safe, I'm glad your parents are close by.
Your comment needs a million upvotes. Really great advice.
Seriously, this is all good stuff!! You deserve to have more upvotes and a higher comment
This is perfect advice!
Wow great advice, much more detailed than mine! Yes, yes to all of this!
He's gaslighting you. My ex used to do this... it's not you not doing the right things so he gets mad, it's just him being manipulative and abusive. He doesn't need to hit you for it to be abuse. Please find somewhere safe away from this man. It will only get worse from here. The birth of a child is quite often the catalyst for abuse getting worse because they think you're trapped.
This man reminds me so much of my ex, disrespectful to his mum, check, taking the baby from you during arguments, check, trying to blame you for his behaviour, check. I only just made it out with my children and my life. It is always better for your children to have you safe and happy and separated than being abused like this. You don't want kids growing up thinking this is normal behaviour.
It is never better for the children for you to stay with an abusive partner. NEVER. The best thing you can do for your child is to take them out of this situation before the violence gets directed at people instead of objects. Also you are not causing these fights and you are not in charge of managing HIS feelings. You can only control yourself and it is NOT your fault that he refuses to control himself.
Things other people do is because of them, not you. You don't make anyone do anything.
You are not making him act this way.
It’s time. It’s absolutely time.
Oh god, you need to leave NOW. You need a lawyer and you need possession of your child. Your red flags are 10 times worse than mine were and I recently had to get a restraining order against him and possession of my kid. You are already at a critically bad point and you’re already making the excuses of an abused woman. This is very real and you have to get out.
Ok, I’m glad you’re both safe. You cannot be alone with him. Do not try to talk things through. You need to get your lawyer to file for an emergency temporary restraining order and temporary possession because you and your son are in danger. If the judge signs off on it, you’ll have some time to pull your case together because you will then go to court to keep both the restraining order and possession. You’ve got to move fast because the cops were just involved and that’s what the court will be paying the closest attention to. You also need to report the violence around your son to CPS and get that case opened against him because that’s also what the court will care about. I’ve just been in your shoes. Shed all doubt, put on your momma bear suit and fight for you and your baby before something terrible happens and do not give him a chance to manipulate you into thinking things will be ok if you or even he says things will be different. He doesn’t have a new setting that responds better to magical words from you. He’s angry and violent, which is dangerous for your baby and you, period.
Hi. You're with my ex husband. Run.
Your kid will very soon, if not already, notice these arguments and it WILL affect him. It's exponentially better to grow up with separated parents than in abuse.
I was in this same boat when I was a child. My parents did in fact separate but to this day I can put bits and pieces together and figure out what was really going on when I was young. Everyone is different but the child in this case baby or not I feel like may still remember little bits of this when he gets older.
The simple fact that this has happened once makes its best for you and your child to leave and probably file for an order of protection.
One time is too many.
I'm in the same place you are right now. I don't have any answers for you but I did start reading Why Does He Do That? A book written by a man who does counseling for abusive men and it's already given me some great perspective.
You can download it for free here:
I'm so happy this is suggested so often. It really helped me.
Honey I'm so proud to read your edit.
I know it's hard, it's so hard when someone turns out not to be who you thought they were; but I'm so glad you can see you & your baby do *NOT* deserve this.
I'm proud that you reached out to your family. I'm proud that you advocated for your baby by taking him back from his father. I'm proud that you've got you & your baby out of a dangerous situation & you did it quickly.
We are all rooting for you, sweetheart. You've mama bear'd the Hell out of this, I fully believe you'll get through this. Inbox is always open x
So he disrespects his mother, you, and also isn't afraid or embarrassed to have arguments in front of his aunt? I don't think combined counseling will help. This isn't a "you" problem, it's all on him. You can't fix him or change him, and it doesn't sound like he's changed at all, in fact only getting worse.
To answer your question, probably when you start thinking things like "should I stay or should I go?" and No, it's not normal to disagree that much. Especially when it sounds like it's not really a disagreement, it's more like he tells you why you're wrong, what you're doing is wrong, and tries to control you.
it starts with random objects around him then it will escalate to hitting you, i got a lot of perspective about abusive relationships when i watched the show on netflix called the maid. it touched on a lot of subjects including emotional abuse. what if the baby gate wasn't there? or there was nothing else around? would it have been you?
Make sure you get your own lawyer and no, marriage shouldn’t be this hard. He looks like the type that will prevent your son from seeing you. You need to petition custody immediately.
The fact that he stopped you from taking your child. That’s enough for me. My husband is a recovering alcoholic with anger issues, and has not once stopped me from taking my children during an argument I deemed too intense for us to be around. Has he ever it would’ve been the end of our marriage.
I’m so glad you went and got your son.
Don't stay for your baby, leave for your baby
I have a toddler and a newborn baby, my partner helps out only sometimes, we have been together for 3 years and I feel I prefer to be single. We fight constantly and I’m tired of it. I want to leave, but I just had a newborn and I don’t know if I’ll regret leaving him. I’m just so tired of going through bullshjt with him. We can never come to an agreement together.
I am the child whose parents never split up for the sake of keeping the family together and to keep trying to fix their relationship. But as you can guess things never got better and they fought every single day, plates got thrown, doors got slammed, walls were punched, etc. And while we never saw our dad hit our mom, it didn’t change the fear we lived with and the constant daydreaming and hopes that one day they would tire of fighting and finally go their separate ways. Since they never did, my brother and I got out as soon as we were old enough and had jobs. Never went back and moved thousands of miles away from them. We also don’t speak to them at all. I still resent them for putting me and my bro thru hell and we’re still in therapy working thru our childhood trauma. Please don’t put your baby through this. It’s not worth it just so ppl see you have the perfect family. Show your child that you are strong and brave even if it means making tough decisions. Show your son that it’s not ok to behave this way. Your future in law will thank you 😊
It's time to leave.
If you have to ask, it’s time to go.
Ooh, OP this is a pretty rough thread to read. I’m in your shoes. Particularly the little kid/arguing/what’s next discussion. Can see my last post on same.
Personally I’m in denial with a second one eminently one the way. And all this well meaning advice is easier to hear directed at you.
Sucks our kiddos see this. I used to tell myself at 17 months my girl won’t remember it. We got so much better, but she’s 4 now and cries if we argue. It really affects them.
The advice to leave versus the “did I cause it?” Yours is a tight pickle: he took your son! I’d get custody immediately. For me I’m the one saying stay away for a few days until you are truly apologetic. And I do get a wholehearted apology.
There is force and coercion here and waking baby. Not ok. See if he loses his temper around your son, since if 2 households you won’t k is for sure.
At the core of it for me is this sense of did I make this happen, and change a kind man into one who calls me names? And we are in therapy, we both feel heard after and are kinder. I will also be frank in my case I’m not respectful enough verbally. So I always wonder if it’s better when I’m kind then am I half the problem when it’s bad?
Protect you self respect. Protect your son. Be close to your parents. Your Dad coming does help.
I don’t have the answers since I have my head in the sand. I think taking your son is egregious though: mama should never have to stay away.
I just discovered this quiz a day or two ago but it's kind of eye opening. And also the answer is you never stay for the kids, because staying in an unhealthy relationship didn't help the kids, it hurts them. My parents divorcing was the best thing that ever happened to be growing up https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
The moment you gotta think if it is better to stay or leave for a child, then you already know the answer.
Goodluck with the procedure, document everything.
You need PROOF of his behaviour. Texts, emails, pictures etc.
This is gonna hurt and may be embarrassing but you need to tell at least 3 ppl what's REALLY going on. Don't front and don't lessen the severity of his actions. This is all for the protection of your child. If ppl know, they'll be more inclined to help. Friends, family, ppl who you know and most importantly trust.
Next get your stuff in order like finances, put your and your child's money (if they have a savings) in a savings account he cannot access. If he asks, say it's for holiday stuff. Hes gonna get mad anyway, who cares.
Consult a custody lawyer if possible.
Make sure you have a place or places to stay with baby.
Best of luck. Sounds like hes not gonna change and you know you need to get out already.
You are not responsible for managing his emotions. He is a grown man and only he is responsible for that. If things you do actually do irritate him, it is his responsibility to manage that and communicate that with you in a constructive manner.
Unfortunately what you are describing is classic abuse behaviour. He is manipulating you. He gets angry then blames the victim "this wouldn't happen if only you didn't make me angry". It is a way to absolve himself of responsibility for his own actions by transferring that on to you.
What do we know about people that won't take responsibility for their own actions? They will not change.
Your child will benefit from a stable calm environment. Do you want baby growing up to think that is how he should behave towards women? Or do you want him to learn from a healthy relationship where his mother is treated properly? You will not get option 2 so long as you remain with this man.
I’m not one to tell an internet stranger to leave based on a limited amount of information, and I’m not going to do that now, but I will tell you to proceed with caution. The other posters are correct in asking if this is the kind of behavior you want modeled for your son. It’s extreme to break one thing in front of your family out of frustration, but three is disconcerting - if he’d done this in public, he could be arrested, and could lose contact with your son if he’d witnessed it. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in any relationship, it’s unhealthy. Hopefully you can discuss these incidents with your therapist, and hopefully your therapist can guide you two to a healthier relationship, but that will take not only a lot of work, but acceptance from both parties - is your husband capable of understanding and accepting that his behavior is abnormal and unhealthy? Is he willing to do the work to ensure it doesn’t happen again or get worse? If you’ve chosen him, out of all of the people you’ve met in your life, to build a life and have a child with, there’s a reason, and it shouldn’t be flippantly discarded (unless you and your son are in imminent danger). It’s worth it to try to work with him and grow, but only if he’s willing and able to reciprocate and take accountability for his actions.
Um whoa none of that is okay. Please get kiddo back and get to some other support networks AS FAST AS YOU CAN
IF I have to ask myself this its time to go.
Can you pack a bag with your documents and any emergency stuff, clothing for you and the baby and stay at a hotel? I would not want to be home tonight or in the morning. Hugs
I think when it comes to relationships it’s always important to establish what is normal and isn’t normal. Struggling since having a baby? Normal. Husband getting violent 3 TIMES? NOT normal. Your spouse blaming you for all the conflict? Again not normal.
When I was dating my emotionally abusive ex I felt the same how is this my life? Leaving wasn’t easy but truly the greatest decision I made, because that wasn’t the life I wanted for myself. Is this the life you want for yourself? If not it’s okay to leave, your son deserves to grow up in a stable loving environment, and you deserve a stable loving relationship.
Everyone on reddit will just tell you to leave if this is how you frame your relationship. Your other options are staying and being periodically miserable, trying to convince him to change/relationship/anger management counselling. But he has to want to change to change and even if he does change it might not stick.
If you're going to stay this is something you'll all have to get used to and try to leave or back down when he acts like this. But if you let him carry on this way and don't leave the relationship it's likely this behaviour could continue or escalate into more violent behaviours. You'd probably need a miracle for him to stop acting this way permanently.
Definitely see a lawyer ASAP. I know where I am you can go to the court house and apply for emergency custody in the morning.
I'd be nervous to allow your son to be alone with him.
Maybe look into that as well.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this but it sounds its definitely best to get you and your son out of that environment now.
The audiobook “First Kill All the Marriage Counselors” by Laura Doyle helped me in a similar situation
I think you already know. It's time.
OP, your husband is abusive. Please contact a domestic violence charity for a safety plan and for specific advice. There will be resources in the sidebar of r/JustNoSO and see the list of resources from u/ebbie45
You and your infant deserve love and respect and to be safe from harm. You’re not getting any of those by staying with him.
Silent treatment is manipulation. Breaking items in anger **is** domestic violence. It gets worse, not better.
Please, accept help to get out so you don’t have to live in fear.
In a healthy relationship your partner doesn't make you feel fully responsible or crazy for getting upset and frustrated. He sounds like a bully.
That boy needs his mommy. Do not let your son leave your side without a lawyer's advice. 💛 @lawadvise
You need to pack that baby up while he is at work and leave. He is using the baby to control you. He blames you for things beyond your control. He picks fights with you. He treats his mom like shit. His need to control will escalate. Get out now before your son learns this behavior, seek full custody. Pray that he doesn’t run off with your kid in the meantime. He sounds toxic as fuck.
I would rather my parents be happy separately than unhappy together..
"He has never hit me or threatened me. The worst thing that has happened was him breaking a baby gate and a chair when he got real mad but that has only happened like 3 times."
Using "only" in this context is a bad sign. "Only" only works with "once and then he regretted it and took steps to learn to control himself". Three times is a pattern and he seems perfectly content not to take any responsibility. He had severe behavioural issues beforehand and you've learnt to excuse them. This is not a safe man and your child who has to watch the arguments while crying and scared is not better off with him.
I hope you stay safe and getting some distance goes smoothly. Your instincts are good, trust them!
I don't think anyone can answer your question definitively. I will say, in general, if it's purely staying together for the child it's probably better to go. One incredibly important thing children learn through observing their parents is how relationships look and feel. If they don't have a good model of a happy, healthy relationship, they can have trouble forming them as adults. It's not universal by any means, but if they've mostly seen unhappy relationships, they may get into unhappy relationships themselves and not even realize anything is wrong. I know that was true for me. I don't think I even realized happiness was the goal, and thought things were pretty great because we didn't openly insult and undermine each other like my parents (still together) do.
Counseling is the right path in my opinion, and one thing my marriage counselor told me was that it leads in one of two directions. It helps couples find a way to be happy together, or it helps them accept that they need to separate. So if you get to a point in your counseling where you think there's no hope for the improvement you need, or you realize even with improvement you still won't be happy, it may be time to let go. But if those things aren't true right now, take these issues to the counselor. Try to understand what he means by his needs not being listened to, and express how you feel about him taking your son and telling you not to come home. If you still have hope and want to explore that, working to improve a relationship can be a beautiful thing.
You are experiencing domestic violence. You don’t have to be physically assaulted to be in a d/v situation. You are well organized to speak with a lawyer & keep your family close by. Contact your local domestic violence agency for assistance. Throwing items in a home with a baby is considered a child welfare concern in my province. I wish you the best as you are entering a journey which is going to be difficult but necessary. You and your son have the right to live without violence.
Girl, you have a bright future ahead of you - grab it with both hands
This is why I left my ex. He was emotionally abusive and controlling and a total narcissist. He had the last laugh though as he took his own life when our daughter was 2... Just a final hit to make sure I live in pain forever.
He told me if I didn't stay with him.nobody would want me because I was weak. So I found the strength to leave.
I entered into a similar relationship after this but I am going into therapy to find out why I attract this type of person. I seem to have a target on my head for controlling people who can take advantage, push me around and leave me feeling worthless.
I realised its down to me to change that.
This post has serious Battered Woman Syndrome vibes. You rationalize his extreme violence and blame yourself for his behavior. Reality check: **He is the problem!**
You guys need to coparent, if he isn’t a dead beat than he needs to be able to see his child as do you. Don’t make it about your relationship, the child needs both parents. Only reason I stopped trying with my first baby’s father is because he wouldn’t take half custody and now he wants it and the offer is gone. I’m not playing games we can go to court at this point, but it doesn’t sound like your baby’s father is a deadbeat, you guys just are not getting along. So whatever you do try to co parent. He can’t take the baby away from you and you shouldn’t take the child away from him. If your not married you need a custody agreement or he can run off with the child. Maybe get a written agreement signed by him about how your going to split the time with your son. Both of you should see your kid. I stopped trying after I offered half custody two times and my baby’s father was playing games, and leaving me with all the responsibilities of having a baby. Both of you love and support your child so both of you should have access to him. It’s hard rn because your probably mad at each other but you need to sit down and have a talk and get that agreement.
Leave fuck his feelings take your son with you because you don’t want him growing up treating women and his mother like that ass hole does his wife and mother it’s called breaking the cycle and nipping it in the bud! Especially after thanks giving you know how his family is they are clopecks from the movie the burbs!
This is above Reddit's pay grade.
Did you know that breaking objects on purpose is a form of physical abuse? It might escalate to direct harm of you or your child. Unfortunately, courts don't generally recognize anything but the most violent abuse.
Your choices boil down to this:
1. Stay with a controlling/ abusive man, and risk, at best, walking on eggshells for the rest of your life and teaching your children the same, at worst ending up as a topic for true crime.
2. Leave now, and realize you will probably have to share custody with this man. During his parent-time, your child will be at his mercy for emotional and physical abuse, and you will be lucky if you can do anything about it.
3. Leave only after he does something that leaves marks on your child often enough that court will take it seriously, and hope they don't blame you for not getting out sooner. Marks on you are irrelevant for custody, so don't try to use that as proof.
No one can make that decision for you, and if you can find legal counsel in your area that specializes in helping cases involving domestic violence, consult with them as soon as possible.
If you're really petty, get a free consultation from any "fathers' rights" or barricuda lawyers in your area so they can't represent your husband. It's doing him a favor, too, because they are generally primarily concerned with dragging on legal proceedings and miking their clients for everything they can get. That's a petty move, but can save you both time and money.
You sound like every abuse victim I've ever spoken to. Think about that for a minute.
You might try to read "But He Never Hit Me," by Dr. Jill Murray and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Together, they gave me a lot of perspective.
As the grown child of a home with a father figure who acted like this, please leave. His behaviour is unstable.
At the VERY least please document everything, every fight, every outburst, every time he uses your son to manipulate you, and keep any texts or pictures that could help. Because one day, hopefully not, but one day it *could* escalate, and this would all help you not only get out safely but keep your son.
Good luck and so much love x
Well look at how you are modeling for your kid. I left because i wasn’t modeling being an independent feminist or modeling how a positive relationship should be. Also you want to ensure your kids are being shown appropriate emotional regulation and if that cant happen in the house, it may be a sign to change things up. Also it’s his choice to get mad like that, you aren’t causing that.
I'm so glad you have your baby with you, your dad's support, and that you will be calling a lawyer. He sounds awful and I hate the thought of you and your baby staying around him any longer. It won't be easy,but you're doing the right thing for your baby and yourself. Children do no need to grow up around both parents if one is abusive. A single loving parent is a million times better than an abusive parent. I wish you well, and I hope you know you have people rooting for you. I fully support your decision to leave for the sake of your baby's and your wellbeing.
It sounds like he's a giant toddler who can't control his self or his emotions that or he may be cheating and is just looking for an excuse to get away from you and trying to make it seem as if it's your fault you're doing the right thing by calling a lawyer I hope that you throw a divorce party and you and your baby live happily in a healthy safe loving environment with a happy healthy safe mature significant other that would love you and your baby. You put your best effort in by trying to appease him and going to counseling it shouldn't have gotten that far but you did try so hold your head up high knowing that you did the best you could for your situation and now you're doing the best you can for you and your baby's safety and happiness which is something that you deserve and no one can take away from you ♥️💗
My husband and I definitely bickered a lot and realized we were both struggling to take a deep breath and not react to each other. We have both since reached out to our doctors and started medication for postpartum anxiety and our irritability has improved so much. We definitely still bicker but we’re not snapping at each other for asking for help which was harmful to us both.
I don’t need to read this post to know you should go. If you have to ask, you already know.
Refuse to talk when he is mad. He has to talk about issues without being upset. It’ll change everything.
Based on your update I would talk to a lawyer about how to prevent unsupervised visits. It really sounds like a huge risk for kidnapping if he is trying to repeatedly take the baby away from you.
You can't take the baby?
That's control and it's one if the top signs of domestic abusers.
He has smashed baby gate? Clearly has anger issues.
Getting mad is normal breaking things is not. Breaking baby items is a clear warning.
Finally reread your statement.
Only three times.
That's abused victim 101.
Making excuses for them and saying they only did it...x times.
Get out or at least get counciling if he is willing and if not get out!
And I'm a MAN so I know all the excuses we men make.
There are NONE.
What concerns me is that this is getting worse. He was treating his mom poorly, then he started getting mad and breaking stuff, now he's starting fights in public and not letting you take your 17month old?
This is an escalating pattern of control and anger.
The other big concern I have is that you're questioning your perception of reality. You are right that this is not your fault, but he is trying to manipulate you into thinking that it is.
I'm glad you're getting a lawyer and getting out, your son will be better off with that explosive anger in his life.
He’s using your son as a pawn. “You have to go but I refuse to let you have our son” is manipulative as hell. It’s different if you both decide which parent should take the child for the night. I read your update and it further solidified my feelings that he’s using your son as a pawn against you. As parents you do what’s best for your child and him trying to wake up a sleeping baby to take him away from you is a huge red flag and quite frankly scary. Get all your ducks in a row because I’d be willing to bet that he’s going to make custody and divorce a nightmare. Document everything. Get a lawyer right now.
It only gets worse. I speak from experience. He will start breaking more things. And putting blame for every stupid behavior on you. We were out to dinner with friends and I asked him to help move the stroller out of the way. He got up and spilled a glass of water on the table and instinctively said look what you made me do and shut up fast when he saw the look of horror on everyone’s faces. After all these years I never thought things would escalate but they do.
If you want to work on it then I suggest the save the marriage podcast as well as his system. Marriage can be really rough.
I also suggest Laura Doyle. Her explanation of respect and what it means to a man changed my world view. Respect is everything. I have learned that there is a way to get my voice and opinions heard without being disrespectful.
It sounds like you know where things are going with your relationship at this point and I'm so sorry. But something for some reason caught me and I think it's just bc it's part of my job and bc I'm also slightly possibly on the spectrum but I'm kinda wondering.... do you think it's at all possible that your husband has never been diagnosed but might have aspergers or autism? It's still not okay to treat someone that way at all. Full fucking stop. And your relationship still needs to come to an end with the lawyers and police situation and your child needs a safe environment. But some of this reminds me of people I've worked with in the him not being able to control himself and needing alone time and painting and Idk it was just somehow a thought I had whilst reading? And maybe he needs some meds just regardless to this situation? If you have any reason to think this is isn't totally stupid it might be worth mentioning to the therapist or his family at some point...again I am so so sorry that you're going through this.
This all sounds very familiar. Maybe come check out r/BPDlovedones I've found a lot of answers there.