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What are some tell-tale/subtle signs of a LV/NV man “warming” you up to physical abuse?

What are some tell-tale/subtle signs of a LV/NV man “warming” you up to physical abuse?

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miwamus

Crossing boundaries. \*takes picture of you\* "Hey, I don't like being in pictures." "Why not?" "I just don't like it." \*takes picture of you\* It's subtle but that's how it starts.


queenofswordsxxx

Omg that’s totally what my ex did. He would take pictures of me without my consent, post them on Instagram to flex having an attractive gf that was out of his league..


GreatOrchidAmbition

Ew I am so sorry that happened to you. For some reason this one triggered me


[deleted]

Yep, that's what my abusive ex started with. I told him I didn't like taking pictures – I have BDD and better things to do – and he would snap random photos of me at my most unkempt, ie. just getting out of the shower, just getting out of bed, getting dressed, etc. I told him repeatedly NOT TO DO IT but he did it anyway under the guise of trying to show me "how attractive he thought I was." Lol no. It was a sadistic, domineering flex. Even if I did look good in those pictures (spoiler alert: I really didn't) he took them without my permission AND showed them to me when I told him not to just to establish control and make me feel bad about myself.


miwamus

It’s interesting to see how common this is. It’s nothing to do with the pictures. It has to do with his entitlement and how he intentionally and systematically crosses your boundaries.


TagTrog

What an ass. Thank goodness you can recognisze this behavior now and it won't happen to you again. I hope you are doing well healing from him.


arnezuara

This is a good one! I had some men take my hands to *crack my knuckles*. They kept doing it even though I repeatedly asked them not to. I had some boys, when I was a teenager, “play out” fighting moves *at me* (without actually touching me).


Xx_SwordWords_xX

I just read this right before reading this post... Seems rather good advice. [6 Potential Red Flags in a New Partner](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202106/6-potential-red-flags-in-new-partner?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost)


arnezuara

Love this one, thank you!


Eris_the_Fair

I displayed a few of these when I got into my current relationship too quickly after the last one. Some of these might indicate some unresolved trauma or that someone isn’t ready to start over yet- coming from personal experience. I’m considering mentioning this to my therapist, big yikes!


miphasgraceful

Disproportionate reactions to small slights “against” him: getting cut off in traffic, if the food delivered was even slightly off, etc. He felt this innate, insatiable belief that everyone owed him, including me. He would have these intense meltdowns and it was like I could see the fury coming off of him like actual steam. I just knew that would be turned towards me someday. ETA: anger issues are a huge sign.


arnezuara

That’s so scary. Glad you got out! My ex would often mention that he has anger issues. Or that alcohol makes him angry (it doesn’t). According to Lundy, “Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.” However, my ex managed to stay calm and collected most of the time. I always found myself looking for signs. I was always on guard.


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aquarieux

The "dead eyes" is a very real thing. It's like they know that they are going to do something or want to hurt you, and instead of leaving the situation before it escalates, they wait for you to say or do something so they can fly into a rage and blame you for it. One time my ex and I were discussing some current event (it was about Native protesters and those high schoolers from a few years ago) while making breakfast and I could tell he was getting agitated so i was backing off. We sat down to eat and he's just watching me with those dead eyes, so I made some final remark about why I think both sides of the issue behaved as they did. He launched himself across the table, grabbed my arm, yanked me out of my seat and yelled at me to get the fuck out. He later didn't even apologize but rather just explained that he gets triggered when people talk about certain racial or political issues because he had a traumatic childhood. It was like he was blaming me for pushing him to that point as if I knew that he was going to fly off the handle and I did it on purpose. Still traumatizes me to think of him sitting there with his expressionless face, knowing what he wanted to do to me, and just waiting for me to say something so he could justify it to himself. Ugh.


Winnie6

Omg how awful! What a fucking pig. You should be able to say anything you want. Fuck that guy...glad he's your ex


Wild_Artio

Ugh yes this was my ex, word for word😞I’m so lucky I got out even though right now I’m still trying to kick the addiction to the trauma bond.


beliebeigh

Can confirm, NVM ex did all of these. Towards the end he had escalated to pushing me, throwing things at me, slapping my arm, trying to control my movement, screaming at me and calling me abusive names. If I stayed it would have for sure escalated to full on punches, which he had threatened to do. He had even threatened rape. I doubt that was an empty threat either.


Carbonatite

Jesus Christ, reading this chilled me to the bone. Aside from the kids thing, you perfectly described my ex husband. Who I (thank goodness) managed to get away from after him "accidentally" hurting me a few times.


denimlace

Last minute curves. Say he comes to pick you up to go get dinner. As you get in the car, he suddenly goes “You wanna do something else instead?” Jokingly gaslighting you about your surroundings. Forgetting things you tell him or playing dumb. Crossing your sexual boundaries eg asking for sex acts in public (incl the car)


arnezuara

These are good ones, too. Luckily, I’ve never experienced any of the following. However, some men that I was around always had that calm-yet-about-to-rage feel to them. “Still waters run deep” would be an applicable quote here. I am honestly so scared of getting with a man only to learn he wants to/is capable of justifying hurting me.


scooter_se

Pinning your arms to your sides and not letting you go immediately, and then laughing it off if you start to get angry or scared.


pickmieshaexorcist

I’d also add “playful” wrestling or horseplay where he goes too far and you panic, but then he laughs it off or plays dumb.


scooter_se

Oh yeah, 100%! A lot of times it starts as “playing” around, which I do not fuck with at all. My “””friend””” who used to do that to me ended up trying to rape me so it’s definitely a HUGE RED FLAG 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩


Wild_Artio

Yessss


arnezuara

That’s scary. I would absolutely hate that


pickmieshaexorcist

I’m not sure what I’m about to say are “little” signs, nor will they all become physically abusive. Many will, but some abusers are very calculating and know if they leave marks/bruises, they might get caught. So they stick with mental/emotional abuse. But here’s some signs: - “He’s a dick to everyone but super sweet to me” This triggers that teen girl fantasy of reforming a bad boy but rest assured, he WILL be an asshole to you eventually - Open misogyny. Like the above, this is tolerated by Cool Girls if he tells her she’s different, or one of the “good ones”. Most seen in trad women/RPW/conservative types. Not that covert misogyny is much better, but if a man is openly just misogynistic with no filter, that’s a huge red flag. - Disproportionate rage, even if it’s not at you (yet). It floors me how many women excuse men freaking the fuck out at vidya games, slamming doors, throwing tantrums, road rage etc. because it’s not directed at the women themselves. I’d say this is probably the #1 sign he will get physical w you someday. - Disregards boundaries. Whether he uses bully tactics, or “sweet” begging, beware any man who does not respect the first NO. - Idealization, putting you on an extreme pedestal, having this rigid mental image of who YOU are in HIS head. Rest assured, he is setting you up to be devalued, discarded and despised once you contradict his fantasy one too many times. It’s typical behavior of Narcs to categorize people as Good or Evil (see the Golden Child vs Scapegoat phenomenon, for Narc parents), and once he puts you in Evil, he feels justified to treat you accordingly.


arnezuara

I believe we don’t talk much about *silent* rage. I had that happen before around someone who was mad. They made no attempt to reassure anyone that, although they’re angry, it’s all good. My anxiety went up because I instantly assumed it could be easily directed at me. I was so scared


shockingupdate

Silent rage is terrifying. He’s clearly pissed off, he wants you to feel like everything could fall apart at any moment, and he won’t tell you why, ratcheting up your anxiety and forcing you to find creative new ways to make him happy. Once he’s figured out he doesn’t even need to speak to make you his slave or bangmaid, why would he have it any other way? Pathological.


arnezuara

It only happened once or twice. But it was enough to make me anxious. My intuition did not like that kind of silence.


pickmieshaexorcist

Ooh that’s a good sign I missed. When their MOODS just permeate the house with simmering rage and you feel the threat/adrenaline (because your instincts are on point). If you feel like you constantly have to manage/placate his moods, that’s a sign.


arnezuara

Your list is very good and informative. But yes, I was talking about “subtle” things like the silent rage. I experienced some of it in my last relationship. My ex knew how to control himself of course, but it still made me uneasy. I understand now why I am largely attracted to serious, calm men... because they tend to *seem* safe & I hate feeling obligated to “soften the edges” for the sake of survival.


Wild_Artio

Oh my god yeah the silent rage is so uncomfortable. They just stare daggers at you like they’re imagining all the violent things they’re doing to you or want to do to you in their head. I think those subtle signs are truly only something you feel when you’re experiencing it. And sometimes they’re super good at hiding it. You have to be adept at reading micro-expressions. They’ll be straight faced or even smiling; then you’ll see a brief judgmental/admonishing glare or a sadistic smirk, before their face returns to baseline. It’s chilling, sometimes it comes out of nowhere. But I think that silent rage can eventually turn physical. I’d say playful hitting can be a sign, too. If it FEELS like it wasn’t actually playful, even if it appeared so, it could possibly not be passed off as playful eventually. My ex slapped me after I made a joke that I suppose caused narcissistic injury (honestly there wasn’t much that didn’t). It wasn’t severely hard, but it didn’t feel very lighthearted bc he had a micro-expression of rage as he did it before his usual cowardly/shocked/surprised expression returned. I was deep in self doubt (still coming out of it) then and felt shocked and terrified but thought bc I have a history of abuse growing up that maybe I was just overly emotionally triggered. I realize now that even if this was the case, if they were a caring and kind person, it wouldn’t have caused so much doubt and confusion.


lilac-hiraeth

Avoidance of conflict resolution. When they’re unwilling to want to find resolutions to conflict that is a huge red flag for me. My ex husband would literally take off running if we had a disagreement instead of discussing it as a team and finding a solution. Once we had kids running away was much less acceptable so he just started screaming and eventually breaking property which led to eventually him hitting me when I brought up things that needed to be addressed. These things were often seen as me nagging because we never dealt with them and so they continued being points of contention that triggered him faster and faster. I’m not talking “take the garbage out” I mean “can you please get a job, the kids have all been in full time school for years and your video game addiction isn’t cheap.”


arnezuara

My god, I’m so sorry to hear that you and your kids had to go through that ❤️ In my last relationship, conflict resolution was primarily attempted by me. He was very avoidant of conflict. What you’ve described could’ve been me if we were to stay together. I really dodged a bullet.


Wild_Artio

Yes my ex also SEEMED conflict avoidant but was actually not REALLY in hindsight. He created the conflict by going on the offense w passive aggressive covert manipulative tactics whenever I attempted to talk with him and find resolution. It was crazy making. In Sheep’s Clothing by George K Simon REALLY illuminated how disordered my ex was. I agree that conflict avoidance is a red flag for violence especially if they are passive aggressively fighting but try to seem like they hAtE dRaMa.


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Wild_Artio

I’m wondering if I dated your boss😩 My ex was exactly like this. I ended up taking responsibility for his passive aggressive offenses bc there was no other way to come to a mutual understanding. I didn’t realize until I was out that he really didn’t want mutuality, at all. He wanted confusion.


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Wild_Artio

You should definitely read wolf in sheep’s clothing, it was so helpful for me to have the tactics defined and clarified. It’s absolutely an ego thing. So gross. I hope you’re healing ok. It’s rough.


heavysigh95

Saying "I love you" way way WAY too soon. Inability to accept being wrong when clearly in the wrong Hating other women for whatever reason. "Hate that bitch... she's a slut... yada yada thinks she's so hot." Adult temper tantrums... can't get an electronic device to work? Throw it. I dated someone abusive and these were all warning signs


IllustratorUnhappy55

If he wants to hear all about you. My ex malignant narc was such a good listener. Its because he was storing everything up to use against me later. During the time we had a custody battle going on he said he was going to find my rapist to use as a character witness in court.


assdistroyer

Wow what a fucking asshole. I can only imagine the grin and delight that narc had when telling you such horrific covert threat. Even when they are being evil they can't ever stop being petty and coward. I hate narcs so much and I really hope your narc ex who used your vulnerabilites as ammunition gets hexed.


IllustratorUnhappy55

Well he's been fighting cancer for over a decade and lives with his mom now. He continues to try to lovebomb me 6 years after leaving even though I don't contact him or respond. He can die sad and alone. He's not worth my energy. I think its fun that I talk to his family (because we have kids) but not him. I'm sure if he had feelings they would be hurt. He can keep his pornsick limp dick to himself. I've reached a level I never thought possible and I'm loving being single and drama free. He tried his best to break me but in the end I'm so much stronger. And thanks to FDS I'll never fall for another abuser again. I love my life now. And yes hes evil and petty and a coward. Good riddance😊


[deleted]

Tickling.


VikingDotter

Tickling for sure. My ex would tickle me all the time, for far too long as I was yelling for him to stop, kicking and screaming and trying to get him off of me. He also punched a hole in a table when gamer raging. Pretty sure I dodged ~~a bullet~~ an atomic bomb with that one.


bioqueen53

Did we date the same guy?


VikingDotter

If we did, girl, I’m so sorry ❤️ both of us deserve better!


arnezuara

Oh. Could you elaborate a bit more on this one please?


[deleted]

I don't think I've even met anyone who likes to be tickled. Ever. For some reason, men think it's cute to hold your hands in one hand and tickle you with the other hand. They pretend they're "just playing around". They are NOT. It's about dominance, control and hurting you.


arnezuara

Oh, I see what you mean. It makes sense. I had a guy “playfully” hold my hands down once when were discussing politics. I remember thinking that it was a pretty weird move.


[deleted]

The only people I've ever met who enjoyed tickles were under the age of five, and even then, they only like a few seconds of tickles at a time. I can't imagine doing it to an adult, that's just creepy.


queenofswordsxxx

Roughhouse playing like you’re both 7 year old boys. My ex would start whacking me or shoving me in the name of ‘fun’. If you look at some of the videos of Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber you can see that’s how he treats her, it’s not fun and it’s borderline abuse.


arnezuara

That one. It’s so immature and fucked up to do. Why not roughhouse with the only your bros? It’s fucked up. Justin is a narcissist and probably a psychopath, too. You can tell he’s abusive towards her, hitting her head once, closing the car door on her...


queenofswordsxxx

Yep. Not only is it immature, it’s also a question of consent. I never consented to this type of roughhouse childish boy play. It’s not sexy, it’s not fun, it’s painful and violating. And he forced me to engage by initiating it.


arnezuara

He had no right to do this to you. You make a great point of highlighting that what he did was forced upon you (as it usually is, with LV/NV men). No person who is reasonable and kind would ever act this way towards another person.


Platipus6

Subtle controlling behaviours to start: Controlling your mood. If you're happy, he has to say something shitty to bring you down. If you're sad, he'll pester you to "tell him what's wrong" but won't actually fix it, comfort you or support you when you tell him. If you get angry when he's shit to you, he'll order you "don't be like that". If you're neutral, he'll do something goofy, then take credit for your mood change "See, I knew I could get you to smile". You can't just exist or let your emotions run their course. He has to change it to soothe whatever mood he's in. Seeing how long he can control your bodily functions. Making you wait to pee, eat, sleep. If you don't piss yourself, he'll praise you "see, I knew you could hold it". Or diminish what he did "it's not that bad. no-one dies from lack of sleep". Telling you "it's not that cold, don't be a baby". Mocking you "you're so hangry, calm down". Once you obey those things and you're walking on eggshells or checking in with him to see if you're 'allowed' (to have a feeling or be hungry/tired), he'll start using you as a physical extension of himself. You have no moods and needs of your own, and now you're centered on his moods and needs. You'll become hyper aware of his gestures and facial expressions. You'll jump to get him a new beer when he sucks the last sip. He stomps around in the morning, you jump to find his keys. He stomps in at night, you jump to serve him dinner. You become one. You fail to do what he thinks, he gets angry as if it's his own hand that has failed to function. You don't tell him vital information to make his life easier, he gets angry as if it's his own eyes that haven't seen it. He lashes out to make his own body perform correctly.


AutomaticNopeMachine

Harming furniture or any other object, and road rage when you’re in the car. Both are examples given in Bancroft’s WDHDT. Also: porn consumption.


Eris_the_Fair

This. Examples include punching holes in walls. Speeding way above the speed limit if he gets angry with you while he’s driving. Cussing and yelling at his video games in a way that makes you anxious. Making everyone on edge just because he is in a bad mood, with zero remorse.


scooter_se

Pinning your arms to your sides and not letting you go immediately, and then laughing it off if you start to get angry or scared. It’s a way to remind you that they’re the strong one and that they’re in charge of what happens to you


vividpeaches

My best friend is currently in an abusive relationship. They’ve dated for a year and he slowly wore her down as abusers do. During the beginning of their relationship we went on a double date. One thing both my boyfriend and I noticed is that he never asked her about herself. She would be the one asking him questions. A year later she remembered it and just told me about it so I guess it was a just the start of red flags that she got gaslighted into ignoring. They don’t even care enough to ask you about yourself. It doesn’t matter if they’re “shy” or have “anxiety”. If you honestly want to know someone then you would ask about their likes and interests. You would ask about them


Winnie6

I dated a guy on the spectrum and it took me 3 weeks before he told me he was...suddenly everything made sense! He didn't give a shit about me and it became almost funny to see how far he would push it. Like he ordered a pizza to my house and ate it, with it sitting on his knees and he never offered me a slice! I didn't ask for any because I wanted to see if he'd notice he had bad manners! This kind of funny business went on for 3 weeks and then he told me about his diagnosis and finally it all made sense. And it was funny as a case study of sorts but not the relationship for me. I was just some sort of staff person for him, I think. He completely lacked empathy.


charlotte823240

Breaking, throwing, hitting, or slamming anything. Doing anything aggressive or loud that would make you jump, especially if he seems to not care he startled you. Road rage is a red flag as well.


arnezuara

Yes, definitely! Those are very telling. I think another red flag is when you realize he tries to *shelter you from witnessing his behavior*. My ex would sometimes mention his anger issues or experiencing road rage but he *never engaged in either* in front of me. Also, any subtle form of intimidation (like grabbing the back of your neck with his palm) is a red flag.


charlotte823240

Yes, my ex would do the same thing. He was always saying how he had to be gentle around me but still told me about his violent tendencies when I wasn't around. You are so right about the subtle forms of intimidation. That is huge one! He is basically reminding you that he is in charge and putting a slight threat of violence if you don't listen.


arnezuara

The threat is always there. That’s what they try to communicate to you to keep you in place.


ussr_ftw

My male friend in high school used to punch walls when upset. I should not have been surprised when he turned out to be a misogynistic dick.


Stuffnthings1840

You got to be at home to watch him do nothing. Don't have friends. Hobbies ect.


imtryingtotryhere

Playful pinching or squeezing. Similar to tickling.


_RustInPiece_

- Interrupting you. Even though you told him you don't like it. He's asserting dominance, testing the waters over and over to see how far he can get this time. Do you leave? No. Green light for going further, eventually physical abuse. - Anything along the line of sexual abuse, starting with "compliments" aka objectification especially way too early in the relationship. Pickmeisha will take it as a compliment when he tells her on the second date that he likes big/small boobs like yours. It's not. You aren't even alive to him, you are a doll - a sex doll. - Any form of verbal controlling behaviour. Commanding you what should do, like "You will do X.", "First you do X then I'll do Y." - Ridiculing your achievements. Edit: Grammar


starsheepie

Overly woke in a very performative way


frustratedmarxistfem

Physically cutting off your exit. The first sign that my nvx was abusive was that he would physically prevent me from leaving the room during arguments by always positioning himself in front of the door


arnezuara

This is a good one. It’d be terrified if something similar happened to me.


MagnfiqueMaleficent

Same. Or worse- he would trap me against the wall to keep me from leaving by putting his hands on either side of me against the wall. It was like being in a tiny jail. If I screamed “Let me go!” He’d say “I’m not even touching you!” which was of course true but a bullshit thing to say. I couldn’t move. If I tried to duck down to squeeze out below, he’d just slide his arms down the wall. If I tried to push his arms away, he’d yell that I was hurting him, that I was being violent. 🙀 What a fucking ass. But no, he’d never admit that he abused me since he “never laid a hand on me.”


MagnfiqueMaleficent

One more way he tried to control me was not letting me out of his car when we were in an argument. He’d lock the door and try to hold the passenger door closed so I couldn’t get out. If I managed to get it open, he’d start driving so I couldn’t get out. I’m sure that if I’d jumped out of his moving car and gotten hurt, he’d have told the cops it was my own fault because I jumped out of a moving car.


_tinyimp

Road rage ‘Equal rights equal rights’ Hesitating on agreement when you bring up some awful situation where a woman got hurt Always siding with men Staying too quiet or getting too animated on domestic violent topics Slamming or throwing things obviously next it will be you Harming animals in any way (even hunting, we must be wary of people who hunt for sport and not for sustenance)


arnezuara

Oh yeah, those devil advocates. They can be “playfully” rough on animals and claiming they actually like it.


feelgoodlost_

I meant to reply to this when it was a comment. Will be long because why not? We actually like to read. All of this just morphs into all different kinds of abuse because it’s never just one thing. But they all have the same bag of tricks. They make shitty YouTube videos and scrotegraphics on these tactics. You’ll be the frog that stays in a boiling pot by the end if you pay attention too late. I mean, good thing you just get stronger anyways. It’s all so insidious, the way they approach it through gaslighting and intermittent reinforcement. They do it subtly in ways you find it hard to prove, unless you listen to your gut. Honor it. Honestly, don’t talk about any childhood other than it being great. With the experiences of different men I noticed these things: 1. Desperate attempt to be the hero and masculine but showing off that they have gotten in physical altercations. They tell stories about fighting in school and other eras during their lives, but that’s the past. He could’ve punched someone yesterday. He wants you to know he can fight like he’s in Street Fighter. They fake empathy but only in instances when they’ve taken your cue. They boast they can fight and defend you, but simply state that it was in defense of someone but go more into detail of the physical harm they caused someone. You see the joy and pride in the stories they tell revolving that. But since they ain’t no hero, they will find cheap adrenaline rushes. I’ve had ex boyfriends brag about pushing men down during basketball, fighting overseas, and public events. Lmao the fuck. Whatever feeds his go. If he says he’s willing to hit a woman to defend himself, well that tells me that he hits women because who knows what will set him off to defend himself. Could be anything, but it’s a scrote, wound his ego and he’ll defend himself. If he’s willing to hit a woman he prob wouldn’t listen to the word no or stop. More on that 2. Obsession with weapons. Whether it’s from military experience, family, or a random new obsession. They’ll desensitize you to guns. Maybe they come from a family of hunters and tells you all the game he’s killed. They may throw a gun to you or on the sofa or threaten you with it. Or shit, some will tell you they want to die and you know they have guns. Run away that day. Just stay away from those dudes. Never again. No sane person has thousands upon thousands worth of weapons. They’ll leave their accessories all over the place and you’ll trip. True story 3. The jacket comment: Tugging on your clothes during an argument or you walking away. Literally treating you like a cat that’s being grabbed by its tail. I flipped the fuck out when one scrote did that. They talk about being tied up or tying you up a lot. 4. Picking you up: They’ll often disguise it “oh you’re so tiny” but it reflects they have zero respect for your personal space. No one likes to be picked up like a doll. Doesn’t matter how big or small you are, they also have a weird obsession with knowing every detail of your body, yet doesn’t know his own eye color. They start grabbing you harder when you aren’t being the sweet mommy bangmaid. The way they grab your wrist, like to have their hands on your neck, smacking your booty to mate guard when a real life Chad sees you in the wild. They want to intimidate you with their size. They’ll even bump into you and cause you to fall. You tell them to be gentle but they’re only gentle when they’re horny for a split second. 5. Location: They always want to know where you are at and need to know who is there. One scrote would pop up during the beginning to places he knew I’d be and show up with gifts. In their sick heads, they bring you something so you associate it with a surprise. Not the question of why the fuck are you here? If you aren’t there for a pop up visit because you went home or did whatever the hell you wanted, he’ll be upset and act like a baby saying he had a gift for you. He’ll either smother you with affection or when he sees you again he will glare and grab you roughly. 6. Deadbedroom scrotes and their creepy kinks: They check your temp and will say “no one has ever gotten me off like that.” (No shit Sherlock, because you’re a one minute man.) If you experienced any abuse sexually or ask about number of partners and what you’ve done, they do it to make a plan on how to start doing those very things. Imagine being an ugly scrote trying to act like he’s the first man you’ve ever been with. They want to sexually dominate you despite looking like shit when they’re naked and you putting an end to their delusion. They will be sex pests and try to keep you up, even when you have to get up and work. They know you aren’t horny. Unattractive scrotes know they aren’t attractive to look at and their bodies don’t turn you on. So they start pawing you. One scrote never knew when to quit. So much commotion for one pump, thought of someone else the entire time. If you’re sick, in a bad place, tired , or you know, what to catch some zzz’s and not a small p they are relentless. When you cut them off, they don’t care cus they’re been cheating anyways. One day they’ll get so brave and actually try to do whatever sick thing they want. Then get mad when you move their hand. Some of them try to control your body by wanting you to go on birth control, which includes the type. They claim to hate condoms. He’s controlling with your body at this point. Disgusting 7. Disguising their rage and disrespect towards women. Just because a scrote is close to a pickmeisha mom doesn’t mean he likes women. They also claim beautiful women have it easy, the success of women is due to luck. According to them, only men have hard work and determination. No, hard work for them is manipulation and lying to get ahead. Once you’ve been warmed up and have gotten attached, they begin to snap at you. “I said you were acting like a bitch” “shut up” and at some point in time you may even hear him disrespect another woman. “My boss is such a c_”. Then they start throwing things, breaking stuff, throwing car keys, etc. They will back away from you to make you lose your balance. If you get in an argument they walk towards you, never let them back you into a corner. Fuckers 8. Not accepting no. They basically bully you into giving them a pity chance and pretend to be HVM in the beginning. That sets the stage. They will praise your views on the world in the beginning, but will start getting physically aggressive and showing their anger like walking away, giving you icy stares, pretty much mocking you. When the mask drops, you’ve already been gaslit until the next pandemic and it’s nothing but lies. You’ll start to associate getting grabbed hard, icy looks, or other forms of aggression when you speak up. Only you’re the irrational one and bruise soooo easily * TBC in reply.


feelgoodlost_

9. Trust: They do favors that make zero sense or only benefit them. They want blind trust and autonomy over you, when you just met them. If you tell them what you’ve been through, they’ll do the same things and gaslight you saying it’s the past that’s making you think this way, not their actions and patterns. They gaslight you and make up excuses. Sorry, but no mf need to share a Netflix with an ex, ever. Lmao The dumb shit they pull is unreal. That’s more emotional and mental, but they want your blind trust with your body and commodity of time. 10. More Driving: Road rage, driving with guns, and speeding. I like to speed at times, but they drive recklessly and speed when you state your concerns, your tone is policed, and what you said in response to their patterns and actions, it will make them start speeding and getting crazy as the car accelerates. Or worse, some straight up speed someone. Or is that only dudes with shitty Honda Civics? If you fight in the car, he’ll drive like a bat out of hell and give you the silent treatment. But keep in mind, if they parallel park all the time, open a car door, that’s why they’re considered good drivers and a gentleman. Oh and they say women drive like shit. 11. Pets/ Family: They may have dogs or cats. Even if they spoil them, it’s usually because they truly do see them as objects. If they do their animal things, you’ll seem smack them. Like someone used to dogs that smacks a cat on the behind for acting like a cat and not listening like a dog. I’ve seen that in exes. Yea. Or they open up a sob story of having gone through a hard time when they were younger and having fought their parent. Unless you have a crazy parent that attacked you and you defended yourself, run. “I pushed my mom once when I was younger, I never did it again.” (Younger to men means yesterday.) They’ll go as far as triangulating you with pets and family too. Or they’ll get a puppy or a kitten to keep you. But yea he’ll talk shit about you to his pickmeisha too and start fights in front of family/friends. He’s smearing you, sis. 12. If it’s a frumpy, beta scrote with a lil nub, he’ll go on about your banging body. Once he has you, he’ll cover you up, tell you you’re vain for having confidence in your body, and will mark his territory when you’re near attractive men. “Don’t wear that dress. You don’t seriously want attention do you?” You wear it anyways, so he’ll paw you all day. Gross. He knows you won’t notice ugly men like him, so you won’t pay much attention to this pattern. But just recall the times you saw an actually attractive man in the wild. It happened then. Lmao So grabbing you extra tight, picking you up, kissing you out of nowhere in instances when he’s purposely withheld affection prior to that moment. You dress in a way that he doesn’t like cus men see you, and he goes overboard with physical touch. And as luck has it, he will treat you as if you were the unattractive one punching out of your league. No one looks at them, even with changes you helped. It’s why the have to do these evil things lol You just have to wake up and be yourself. lol 13. Not letting you do your active hobby alone: If he’s out of shape or has so much catching up to do, he’ll use you to get in shape, but also to make sure the attractive men on the trail don’t talk to you. You’ll tell him you prefer to do it alone and go opposite directions. You’re happy to be away from him, but he’s always watching. He’ll get upset and bring up the men he saw that checked you out. In moments where you’re actually harassed, he doesn’t do shit. But shut up, you aren’t out of his league, remember? This in itself shows he’s keeping tabs on you, you’re under surveillance, and don’t always know when you are getting subtly punished. That’s another can of worms, the ways they spy on you online, or worse, if you live with them. 14. If you get physically assaulted they’ll blame it on drinking. If they hit you in their sleep, it’s a muscle spasm and bad dream. He knocks you over? It’s your fault. He does something sexually? He blames you. He’ll always blame you. They rush into everything and are really unstable. They haven’t achieved much in life or are going through lots of changes that he’ll use an excuse to absolve him from accountability or as reasons to put in less than he should, and 50/50. There’s more, as always. All of this morphs into emotional, mental, physical, or sexual abuse and by the end you’re frazzled. So listen to your gut. If it’s someone that doesn’t give you butterflies but you constantly feel something, you’re feeling anxiety and ignoring your intuition because you don’t want to believe that a nice guy is abusive. He won’t show his cards right away, but you see different stunts and it’s inconsistent. Once he’s harnessed your natural goddess energy and support, the tenderness is gone. When the tenderness is finally openly gone, he’s likely done all of this or done physical things you can’t prove. To prove and question means to be open with yourself and realize you were constantly being disrespected to your face and manipulated in a myriad of ways. It’s why the gaslight so much and try to be the nice guy. They truly aren’t, you’ve always deserved better and you will move on. You just look back on it and hope to help someone out. Some lessons have to be learned, but not at the hands of an undeserving scrote. These guys abuse you and get mad at you for reacting to their abuse and they gaslight you and never give you an ounce of truth. It’s because they’re really unhealthy and emotionally stunted. They can’t even accept what they see in the mirror or on paper, don’t buy into their scrote alternate reality. It stinks If you escaped this solo: heal and be grateful you were fortunate not to have kids. They would do this all and more to your kids and they would do it behind closed doors to all of you. Long read and scroll through. It’s never your fault. Stay safe.


HumanAdhesiveness360

I would read or audible "why does he do that " I think it should be mandatory literature for all woman. He touches on some of the subtle ways in which they get their claws in you, then gaslight you until you can't see what's real and what's not. For me it was how quickly he fell in love and pushed for unprotected sex. Our entire relationship was him strong arming me into submission. I ended up in really bad shape financially and emotionally. It's going to take years for me to find my strength again.


puzzlebitties

There was a woman in the town near where I live who was murdered in a motel room by her ex bf whom she was trying to escape, she had a very young baby to him, he killed her brutally, disposed of evidence and took the baby to his mothers house before trying to flee. This guy was a pretty popular "normal" guy from the outside, very social, had a lot of friends. During his trial text messages he sent her were presented as evidence. He sent her messages threatening what he would do if she ever had another man around their baby. This really hit home for me because I have an ex that threatens me about the exact same thing, acting like he's trying to protect the kids but the reality is he's just trying to control me. I have good judgement and have never put my children in any dangerous situation. He has, he's moved random unhinged women into his house. If he cared about their safety he wouldn't be doing that. I know that if I showed up dead everyone that knows me or my ex would automatically think he had something to do with it even though he's never physically harmed me.


arnezuara

This is extremely scary. May this woman Rest In Peace. She did not deserve such a brutal death, neither did her child. I’m sorry to hear about your ex. You should document any threat, if any, from him and continue to keep others aware for your own safety. These men are psychopaths.


puzzlebitties

[a story about the murder ](https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/murdered-woman-was-headbutted-while-holding-her-baby-witness-says/Z6ITCZIT47TCTGTC3RG4WGYAFE/)


Equal-Ear2312

boiling frog strategy: he starts out small and over a period of time, increases the violence of the acts. for example, he crosses a small boundary or does something that crosses normal behavior expectations: \-you tell them to please not call you after 10 PM or at work and send a message instead and they won't respect that. soon, it is prone to escalation. they are "conquering" you! it's not a partnership, it's a destruction process. you set XYZ, he sets to dismantle said XYZ. sadism, psychopathy and narcissism might be at play. LVM hitting walls/ throwing objects/ destroying property/ shutting doors violently - a red flag for escalation LVM raising the tone of their voice, cold talking to you (enough that you cannot recognize the person) - playing Mr jekyll & Mr hyde- always a sign of future violence LVM trying rough sex tactics: hair pulling, slapping, grabbing by the throat during sex - ... it can escalate to beating etc. starts out small and escalates. they know that if they go full-blown violence on you, they will scare you and you'll leave. pay attention to their profession also! police - cop/ military/ special ops/ security guard/ soldier for hire - mercenary/ a history of being in gangs...


MagnfiqueMaleficent

Doctor, attorney, stock broker, banker


Equal-Ear2312

good point!


hopelesscanary

Not controlling his strength. If you playfully wrestle or playfully hit him with a pillow he fucking goes 100 and body slams you on the ground. This is him taking out his anger and hate on you. Watch him start laughing after and say he was playing.


arnezuara

This is scary. I’d break up with him then and there


[deleted]

1.Pushing boundaries. Not taking your word seriously. 2. Their change of plans being normal and your change of plans adding pressure or rushing into things. 3. Taking everything you do personally and if it doesn't fit their taste going beyond just words to 'fix' it. 4. Taking decisions for you, thinking they can decide who you talk to or don't talk to. Literally thinking they are the center of your world. 5. Forcing you to do certain things you are not comfortable with; sexual/ casually.


[deleted]

Fake punching the air towards you, your stuff, or your pet.


pineapplequeeen

My ex would break things when he was angry which made me very uncomfortable and I would ask him to stop and he would not. One night we got in a fight and he started hitting HIMSELF in the head. It really freaked me out. He was really aggressive with other people and always wanted to fight. His aggressions then turned towards me. It started with him verbally yelling at me, next he was screaming at me and calling me names, next he smashed a drink out of my hand, I knew I was next. He never hit me but I began to flinch. It’s not a subtle warning sign but men who break things and hit things when they are angry may hit you. The next man I meet...if he does any of that, it won’t even be a conversation, I’ll be gone ASAP


swaylyn

“Hugging you” but really SURPRISE cracking your back. I just left my LVX a week ago and while im processing the emotional abuse… im started to see that I did have some fear from potential physical abuse with just his words and subtle moves for control. ALSO I think grabbing your phone from your hands is one as well. (My family is abusive so a lot of these things didn’t rattle me in the moment and strike me as abnormal unfortunately but thinking about how far things can go and what I want for myself went a long way in being rational and pushing myself to leave)


arnezuara

Unfortunately our (oftentimes abusive) conditioning makes it so much easier for the LV/NV men to mistreat us. I’m happy to hear that you’ve left ❤️