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>How to elongate the dating process when men try to speed it up?
Love the suggestion! I would also love to hear that!
On OkCupid, the majority of men there have answered they ideally expect sex within the first 1-3 dates. Only 1-2% picked 6+ dates beyond.
I know we don't advocate OLD on FDS, but this stat just made me feel annoyed how men may go in with the expectation to speed things up. Would love to hear more about elongating the dating process to avoid this.
>It has a filter for that? That seems really dodgy, like if a woman goes out with a man who put that he expects it after 3 dates he can hold her accountable if she then doesn't want to have sex with him and try to coerce her by saying she knew. I hate how OLD takes the humanity out of dating, there are so many factors that go into when/whether sex happens, it shouldn't be something people get to select filters for.
YES!! SUCH A GREAT POINT. I always intended to avoid men who put 1-3 dates on OKC.
I was curious about this too! The podcast said we should focus on relationship orientated men, but I have a hard time finding one man like that let alone several 😩
Same. The filters discussed above, I’m assuming that’s for pro accounts, as with a basic account, I can’t even make age or location a dealbreaker. And I’m not against a pro account- I had one. But when I set my filters to, say, filtering out any man who wouldn’t have sex on a first date, and/or “demisexual”...you know, a basic respect for the value and risk of sex (which I care far more about than waistlines and hairlines), I just got It LoOkS lIkE nO oNe FiTs YoUr StAnDaRdS tRy BrOaDeNiNg YoUr SeArCh 🤪 (code for: “lower your standards on safety and respect”). So a pro account wasn’t even worth it for me, to just learn that there are very few men (on dating apps anyway) that value access to female sexuality.
I’d love more talk about how women can engage in FDS who have no interest in cohabitating, marrying, or having children. Is it impossible to obtain long-term commitment from a man if I want to retain my autonomy? Help. 💛
This is me! I have no intentions for marriage, kids and especially living together, ever. I'm sure it's possible to get a long term commitment, but many people judged me and ridiculed me for my those specific needs and called me names. I'd love to hear from like minded ladies about their experiences.
Prior to FDS, I stumbled upon “solo p⭕️ly” (if you want to research it) and realized I wasn’t broken and incapable of relationships, I just didn’t want them the way society presents them. I think the category is helpful for understanding more about what an autonomous life can look like — and then you can throw away the p⭕️ly part as that is not FDS-friendly).
It blew my mind, as I laid beside my then-partner, annoyed by his very existence no matter how still, quiet and asleep he was, to learn I didn’t need to share a bed with a man. Later, that I didn’t need to share a bedroom. Now, no way am I living with a man again. No effing way.
There are so many other things that matter to me too, such as not being “coupled” in my identity. I don’t want to show up with and be on the arm of my boyfriend at an event. If he’s truly compatible with me, we’ll circle around each other all night without being a merged identity.
What kind of desires do you have that are ridiculed? Definitely interested in others’ experiences with wanting an atypical relationship.
Oh how I relate to all of that.
I was married for six years and shared a small house with a messy, untidy man. After my divorce I vowed myself to never live with one, ever again. I now live by myself and am loving it. No intentions of cohabiting, ever. I want to buy my own house all by myself and not think about a future spouse, in case they want things differently.
I also don't want to ever get married because the separation, even though was friendly, was also expensive and long. I don't like the idea of legally being bound to someone and if things don't go well, not being able to pack up and leave. Or kick them out. It feels suffocating.
I also never want to have kids. I just don't like kids in general and I don't see myself as a mother figure. Kids are also the ultimate bond between you and a man, who, can turn into a nightmare and threaten you using them to get their way. I've seen so many examples of this in my family where women were made to stay in marriages, jobs or towns they didn't want to be in just because they had kids with those men.
Dating can be difficult because most people eventually find themselves in a relationship escalator where you meet, date, fall in love, move in together, buy a house, plan for retirement and things like that. When you want to keep things on the first step, which is dating long term without moving in together or merge finances, it feels strange to many. People seem to have this idea that if you don't do these things eventually, it's a waste of time to get to know someone.
I've read a lot about solo-polyamorous relationships and people, but those people get judged a lot, rightly or not, I don't know. So I never felt like I wanted to label myself as one. Labelling means I have to accept many concepts and rules those people follow, and the things I want don't seem to perfectly collide with what they practice.
Personally, what I want is something like this. I want a committed, long term relationship where both parties live in their own houses. The finances are not to be merged. There's no discussion of owning expensive things together like a car or a property, or having kids or pets together. We meet once or two times a week, do fun things together, enjoy each other's company and go home at the end. Occasional stay overs are fine, but not to be expected every time. I'm happy to meet his family and friends, I really like the feeling of being included in a family. I'd like to go to events like weddings and parties together as well, I like a little bit of belonging. But I certainly don't want to be a girlfriend, fiancé or a wife. I could see myself called as a partner, and that's as far as I can go. I loved to be treated and spoiled, and I'd be happy to reciprocate great effort with love and care. I'd love to be looked after and cared for. Just because I don't want to do the relationship things like everyone does, it's not fair that people assume I don't deserve those things.
I also think that sex in a committed relationship can get boring so very quickly, as that's what happened to me in my past relationships and marriage. I'd love to have the freedom to explore and not feel like I have to have the same sex with the same person for the rest of my life. Not just sex, but the level of effort most men put in their relationships drop, and I hated that feeling of not being put first, feeling of taken for granted. I never want to feel that way, I want my partner to win me over and over. If not, he must know that I'm not obliged to stay. I don't feel like I can have this freedom in a classical heterosexual relationship.
I would also love to hear from other ladies who can relate.
This was eloquently written and so relatable. I am not having kids, but I am open to marriage and merging finances if *the arrangement explicitly benefits me.*
Look at it this way: marriage (a literal government contact), cohabitation, merging finances, and sexual contact can be a zero sum game. At best, you share your life with another person and solve your problems together. At the worst, you have someone who is a parasite, abusive, or mostly absent when needed.
It sounds "cold," but this is my new take:
(Eta): I will not go on dates unless it explicitly benefits me. If he does not lead and make efforts like the handbook, I will not spend any time/resources dressing up. I will not drive over a half hour to see a man. I will not let him pick me up when we are getting to know each other. If he repulsed me, I will not see him again. I will only pay 50/50 for a restaurant tab to get a man I am not interested in off my back.
If marriage does not drastically improve my quality of life (e.g. trusting a man enough to make appropriate decisions in case of an emergency event in which I am incapacitated), I will not do it.
If merging finances does not benefit me (e.g. being with someone significantly wealthier than me, who would help me afford luxuries more often), I will not do it. If I make just a smaller amount more, I would possibly have to pay alimony, worry about passive-aggression/self-infliced emasculation, etc. I refuse to date men over a certain set of figures. He needs to have his financed together and to be able to experience things with me like restaurants, vacations, etc.
If living with a man does not benefit me more than being alone, I will not do it. If he would rather use me as a meat shield instead of defending me in a home invasion, he is a liability. I refuse to do the chores for two people, correct half-assed chores, collect stupid action figure clutter, or risk my literal safety because a live-in boyfriend or husband cannot be arsed to not act like a child. I think a duplex or apartments next door could be a better solution.
I will not go away on vacation or another place where I am alone and vulnerable with him unless he has consistently demonstrated to appear trustworthy (data and gut feelings). I will not walk through a dangerous part of the city or otherwise be in danger around a man unless 1) he has taken every possible precaution to otherwise avoid it and 2) I have data that lends me to reasonably believe he would not ditch me if we got jumped.
I will not have sex with a man unless it benefits me more than being single. I refuse to take hormonal bc, undergo invasive sterilization surgery, or use an IUD. I require barrier method of contraception only. I refuse "maintenance" sex, and refuse to have sex with any man I'm not attracted to. The issue with sex is, while I think I would be fine with monogamy, many men have repulsive personalities/misogynistic things coming out of their mouths. Not to mention the Madonna-Whore complex. Men who are deeply indoctrinated will either see a woman as a sexless "good" figure deserving of "respect" or a sexy bird who does not "deserve" respect.
I can go on. I am tired of having to be "the man" or "the mommy" in a relationship. My life should be enhanced with a man in my life. If I have to take on all his problems, squash the bugs, and make myself a blank slate or martyr pick-me, there is no point. Protect and provide!
With all that being said, I am unsure of marriage/cohabitation etc. even if a man meets my standards. I want to be "won over" as well. I want the man to woo me and know either of us could walk away at any time. That we do not "need" each other, but we want to be with each other.
I love everything you wrote. I wholeheartedly agree with it!
I not only saved this post, I photographed it and am going to repeat it to myself every night like Arya Stark's kill list.
😂 I'm honored!
Yes this is everything
I told a guy about how I may want to be committed but live separate, and he goes, well that’s not going to work either. Are you just going to let me go homeless? I was like…ok bye.
How not to fall for a man too quickly - as I often do during the honeymoon period and keep vetting. I know the first three months is the period in which men will try to be perfect before the mask slips, but any high value act makes me develop attachment too quickly even before anything physical occurs. How do you adopt the mindset of always being ready to leave as soon as he becomes low value? Any psychological tricks?
This is a great suggestion, and to hear this topic discussed on the podcast would be very beneficial to me as well! In my pickme days I had a habit of falling for men early on, idealizing a relationship by wearing rose colored glasses, and fantasizing about a future together. I have been hurt by this in the past more times than I can count. Now that I’ve found FDS, I’m interested in learning ways I can combat slipping back into this unhealthy frame of mind.
I used to have such a hard time with this until I started tracking my feelings better. I found that I would enter a sort of problematic attachment after a really great date. But after 4-5 days it would wear off. I strongly believe that you should only see a man once a week - at the most - in the early stages of dating. He should be pursuing and planning the next date, and eager to do so, but you should hold off on agreeing right away. I'd have to read up again on the FDS stance on this, but generally speaking, limited contact is the only way to limit premature attachment in my case.
This, multi-dating, developing thought discipline (don't day dream, idealize or project good traits on him). Journal after a date and write how he made you feel and problematic things he said.
Thought discipline - never heard this phrase before but I love it. I think a longer post on this or any resources you have would be fantastic. I found this article after a quick Google and it's useful but not focused on dating or FDS principles: https://havingtime.com/mind-control-how-to-discipline-your-thoughts/
That's great that you recognized that feeling and how quickly it would fade away when given the chance! I think this is really solid advice - to limit contact in these early dating stages. It seems like seeing too much of the new person you're dating that early on helps to develops a sense of intimacy that's an otherwise more slow process... it feels unearned, in a way. You don't really know this person, like at all. You're not getting them at this point; you're getting their (very eager to have sex, in most cases) representative.
I know this sounds stupid, but mine is, I envision what he looks like sitting on the toilet, doing number two. That helps.
😂😂😂😂 this is amazing
Buddhist monks visualize similar images when faced with sexual and romantic reputation.
I’ve really enjoyed the podcast so far! Some content I’d like to see would be stuff about how women from different parts of the world, cultures, locations, ages, etc. incorporate FDS into their lives.
Specifically, I’d love an episode on coping with LVM or NVM in our lives we can’t get away from, such as dads or brothers, since not everyone is in a position to cut contact and those relationships affect what we expect from men and dating. Even after we’ve worked through our trauma, negative early life experiences can still play a role, for example being super focused on avoiding red flags and traits associated with an abuser but not having a positive conception of what traits one would like to see in a partner.
I’d also love an episode where you interview some LGB FDSers about how to apply the principles to wlw relationships, what stays the same and what changes, how to vet for and be a HVW in the context of wlw dating. If there isn’t enough content/demand to make a full episode on this topic, maybe also discuss finding and maintaining HVW friendships while dating, how to keep up the scrotation while still prioritizing friends and family until you get commitment, the role of HV friends and family in vetting a partner, etc.
^ This please!!
Hey ladies, I love the pod and would like to hear your thoughts on both dealing with pickmes and helping other women level up. My roommate is in a terrible situationship and is in denial about what a man child she's dating and I have hit her with a lot of the stuff I've learnt through the sub and my experiences but she's still in denial! Thanks for what you do.
This is a good question! I’ve dropped friends before (even prior to FDS for being pickmes/ indulging in on again off again relationships w LVM. I was sick of hearing the same complaints about dating but no change in behavior.
I’d love to hear some strategies for helping women level up and planting the FDS seeds
From my experience, it's hard to MAKE someone realize their potential. Just be there, have encouraging words, but also protect yourself because it can be draining if you're empathetic.
Seconding this. But with also addressing the balance between benevolence and protecting our own energies.
I have commented on podcast no. 17, regarding the subject of dating a man you dont see as relationship material for other benefits he may provide. I would like you to read my comment and reply to it because i think it might be a relevant neuance when searchig for a hwalthy relationship and id like to hear your thoughts.
Here it is:
"I have some doubts whether it is beneficial to continue dating a guy you know for certain is not your relationship material, because of the value he may add to your life - such as travel, physical labor, hobbies etc. I think it comes with an emotional price that is not really worth it, and id rather develop relationships with friends and family who can do all this things with me.
I think theres a risk that it would become easier to date a guy youre not fully into for the things he gives you than aspire to find a relationship you would be truly into and truly afraid to lose. For me a major part of leveling up includes learning to stop dating guys im not really into because im really afraid of rejection from men i find truly attractive or that i can feel a potential to have a deep emotional connection with them. I think many pickmes are so into improving subpar guys because women are indoctrinated to see ourselves always as less good and undeserving of the men we really want.
So, like an alcoholic, i fully abstain from dating guys i am not seeing as relationship potential because i know i can fall back into old habits if i do."
Just want to add, im pro multi dating, its a good tool for perspective. Im just not in favor of continuing to date a guy when i know its not it. If i must, ill prefer to date one guy that seems relevant and have many first dates with other guys.
Oh interesting- just wrote something similar! Completely agree, although at this point I’m not even worried about falling back into old ways… I just don’t see it as something worth my time and it’s impossible for me to overlook the slight incompatibilities… I can still go on all the adventures and cool dinners I want, but if a man wants the presence of my time and energy he’s going to have to bring more to the table than the ability to pay the bill. I’ll gladly go solo before I do that again. Sure, it’s fun but it’s kind of counter-FDS in my opinion.
I think its valid for when youre still not sure what you want and need from a relationship, then its good to stay openminded and experiment (within reason). Or if youre reinventing yourself at any other stage and for some reason you want to experiement with having a relationship with different kinds of ppl... but if setteling down is a goal, continuing to experiment is not helpful cause you need to keep focus on what you want.
So much this. I'm glad someone said it.
I would love to hear the FDS perspective on what happened to Britney Spears. I think most of us have had the unpleasant experience of being controlled and gaslit and traumatized by the men in our lives. It would be great to hear an analysis of this, and what we can do to break free when they start to insert their hooks into us.
We need a damn series!
Another aspect of Britney’s story that’s worthy of mention is how - after being denied agency in her own life - she eventually lashed out and was called “crazy” for this. I think this happens a lot - people drive women to their breaking points by placing them in impossible situations. And then they point fingers and say “she’s crazy!” But really, who could tolerate these situations??? It would be nice to have a discussion of what to do when you are backed into a corner and isolated. What are your options (in the workplace, with abusive family members or partners) when they are deliberately trying to harm you? Obviously you need to get out. But that can take time. And in the meantime, what can you do to protect yourself/decompress?
Wow, yes - haven’t we all been treated this way at some point?
Hi ladies, excellent job on the podcast. I have to catch up on recent weeks, but the perspective and humor are so refreshing.
1. Can we please host Lundy Bancroft on the podcast?
2. I also would love to learn more about Dr. Jess Taylor's perspectives relative to FDS.
3. Also, can we have an episode about the struggle of choosing an "unpopular" stance, despite it being the best thing for you? And maybe finding other like-minded, nonlibfem friends? A prime example would be a very famous author who wrote books about wizardry, but I am not sure if we could have such a huge guest.
4. Maybe a FDS-friendly stand-up comedienne and being funny as a woman?
5. What it was about FDS that "clicked" for you to change your dating life. When all the self-help books (even the ones recommended here) did not absorb years ago, but yet now we understand. Was it giving ourselves permission to ask for more? To be picky? To know "yes, that many men" do not act right, and most if not all other women experienced it too?
Thank you for the opportunity to provide feedback!
ETA: 6. Can we also do a podcast episode in the vein of this post here? https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l5r1id/neurodivergents_the_manic_pixie_dream_girl_trap/ This way we can discuss saying with neurodivergence, asperger's ADHD, chronic pain, and/or other conditions that are invisible (or visible!) disabilities?
Good point! Though on one hand I think hosting Lundy Bancroft would be a great way to showcase how FDS is not about hating men, but about offering women ways to protect themselves from toxic LV men. I see both FDS'ers as well as anti-FDS'ers wrongfully think FDS is about hating all men, so allowing Lundy Bancroft to speak would misprove that misbelief. On the other hand I agree that it is nice to have a completely female-only piece of media and keep it that way.
True, now that you say it like that I think giving other women a platform is more valuable then convincing people that aren't worth convincing. I think you're right.
A very valid point. Either way we can't lose IMO. It's great content I believe should be given to every girl/woman before she starts dating.
Hi, ladies! I’ve been an avid listener of the FDS podcast these past several months and I eagerly await each new episode! I found last week’s discussion on rotation management to be particularly valuable to me, because when I was first introduced to FDS I couldn’t fathom the idea of entertaining multiple suitors simultaneously, but after listening to your recent podcast I’ve learned how beneficial it can be for women like myself, who have histories of getting attached to men early on in the dating process. I’m now much more receptive to the idea of having a dating rotation when I eventually decide to date again in the future. If some constructive feedback is welcome, I’ve noticed a lot of guest appearances lately on the podcast, and as much as I’ve enjoyed listening to these speakers, I’ve also missed the discussions alone between Reaux, Savannah, and Lilith. On a different note, is there any possibility of having a segment someday on navigating dating and attracting a hvm as an infertile, childfree woman like myself? This issue may not be applicable to the majority of your listeners, so I completely understand if this isn’t a topic you’d like to discuss on the podcast. Thank you so much for inviting listeners to share their feedback, and thank you for all you lovely ladies do for this community!
I also really just enjoy listening to them talk! I think some of my constructive feedback here would be that when there’s a guest on that the hosts still stay very engaged and share more of themselves than letting the guests just talk. I want more of a conversation and less of a guest host!
Excellent suggestion! Yes, I completely agree.
This is constructive, and please keep in mind I very much enjoy this show, listen religiously, am a Patreon patron. My feedback is I would love to see some of the funds go towards a mic for Savannah that matches what others are using. She has a lot of valuable input and it would be good to be able to hear her more clearly.
Thanks for all you do!
Second this! Even a special solo fundraiser for this purpose. I’d love to see any improvements in production quality, which will hopefully attract brands.
Came here to say this! Please can we hook this girl up?
Hey ladies! Not sure if this has been done yet but I'd love to hear a segment addressing single mums and dating and also to look at how men currently have negative views and stereotypes of single mums as well and how we can overcome and address the stigma.
Much love my lovelies! ❤👑
thank you so much for everything you are doing. I love the podcast, the bonus content is great and I've never regretted becoming a patreon even once. Even though the bonus content wasn't the reason why I initially became a supporter it's reassuring to see that you stick to your promise to provide more of it.
I have some ideas about content I'd like to see but this probably the most urgent one that comes to mind: **How to actively influence a relationship without being a pickmeisha**. This seems one of the biggest reasonable issues female critics have with FDS. They don't want to wait around to attract a man by existing as a HVW; they wish to take on a more proactive role. Most of them go for looksmaxxing yet again this is a passive approach that increases the quantity of suitors but not necessarily their quality. That's also why I (like many others too) look forward to the flirting Episode. Especially assertive women struggle with the picture that FDS seemingly wants to put them back into the gender-typical passive-feminine role. This picture comes across as backwards and old fashioned. A state where they feel powerless and anxious is not what women are going to associate with being a HVW.
I have to agree with this. Although, I’m not single the advice on FDS has provided me with the confidence and assertiveness to ask for what I want, need and expect from my partner. I look forward to an episode about how to continue to be active in influencing my relationship to benefit me, now and always.
I eagerly await this pod every week, beautiful work ladies! I would love to hear you all break down the lore of “the wall”, and how men and society reduce our value to our youth and appearance. Much love to you all!
Yes! Let us “post wall” women write in about how men never stop harassing us and how cheap and easy dick is!
Interested more in the places to meet hvm, I found it interesting when you spoke about meeting high value people at paid events, book tours and open lectures.
I'd like to hear more about having healthy workplace boundaries. How to deal with, response to and manage rude people in your place of work. How to deal with LV people at work in a high value manner.
I second this!
I love the podcasts and hosts. A lot of what I would say has been said here. But.
How do we embrace radical feminism and FDS and not hate the world? And every man in it? I know we’re not supposed to but WOW it’s hard. Especially when you are pretty damn smart, and can see right through people within 5 min. There are so few genuine people out here.
Appreciate any advice on keeping a realistic worldview, but also finding a way to be happy/content.
Does the handbook vary by dating age? Can a 25 year old that’s getting his career in order really be HV without any $$$? Some say these types of men shouldn’t even be dating but is that realistic? Dating is how you develop and find out the type of partner you want. How is that possible if we wait for them to be settled?
Hi ladies! Could you do a podcast on how difficult it is for women of colour and women who practice a faith when dating and looking for a HVM?
Love your stuff queens!!
I'd love some dating advice for single moms, maybe at some point you could have a single mom guest?
I would also love to hear more from single mothers' experiences! Especially SMbC, since there is no "stress", or feeling of "need" for a man. There is more relaxed dating.
Also ps love the pod, have listened to every episode!
Would it be possible to discuss leveling up your appearance without becoming obsessive about it? Whenever I focus more on my appearance I have a tendency to go overboard and start scrutinizing every square millimeter of my face and it hurts my self-esteem in the long run. How do you maintain balance?
From the last episode on rotational dating, I realized the term "scrotation roster" just completely turned me off from the idea of multi-dating. If scrote = dickhead, I absolutely don't want to date a roster full of them. I'm not interested in dating even \*one\*. It's gotta be men who have good characters and their shit together or it's a no from me. Dating and just having fun with men while they're on there best behavior can lead to you getting attached, even when multi-dating. And if you don't have a roster of men who aren’t all meeting every need you have, you're putting yourself at risk of getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't actually check all your boxes. Plus, once they're \*not\* on their best behavior things can go south quick. I've always multi-dated while single, with the mantra of having fun if they're treating me right. Looking back it was an excuse to let me standards slip and overlook yellow flags. To me, the whole point of FDS is to avoid doing that again and to not tolerate any yellow/red flags. I'd rather have a smaller rotation of men who are all HV. I completely agree and appreciate the mindset that not all relationships will last and that's okay, but be careful with that... it can put you in the mindset that letting certain things slide (like literal homelessness...I hope van guy wasn't homeless lol) is okay in the moment. We deserve better than that.
Can you communicate with Deborah Cooper? She seems very FDS center and focuses on dating advice for black women.
This is excellent!! I second this.
Hi ladies, love the pod and am a regular listener! I wonder if you have any advice / strategies for women who date other women as well as men, and how to incorporate FDS principles when dating ladies. Thanks!
I was going to suggest the same thing. It would be interesting to have a discussion on compulsive heterosexuality as well as I think the same media narratives that push women to accept LVM also contribute to comphet.
Just about the podcast:
* I think that when guests mention some things that seem slightly off, hosts should be able to give a bit of pushback, so that the guest's position is clarified. I foudn that the childhood educator used very vague terms that came across as RPW type if you were listening out for it. To be fair the childhood educator podcast was very early into the podcast so you would have been finding your feet.
* Reux is witty and I appreciate her humour, but I don't appreciate her interrupting Savannah and Lillith just to insert a joke. She usually has good points to make about a topic when she's talking about a topic, so there's not really a need for comic relief. It might have been that she was uncomfortable/out of her depth when listening to the other two hosts talking about BDSM.
* Please start producing transcripts, even if they're auto generated, as it can be quite difficult to hear certain words. Savannah might be using the microphone on her laptop which makes it hard to hear her despite her familiar accent.
* Start linking the handbook in the show notes/ episode description. There is a captive audience here that is already spending an hour listening to the podcast. Why not give them something tangible to share?
* The intro clips talking about donations for the Patreon could be edited to match the topic of the week. "This week we're going to be talking about feedback, and one of the bits of the feedback that we got was that people would like more episodes, but we can't unless we are able to dedicate ourselves to the podcast full time. To help us do that please donate etc." Move the ask to the end of the podcast, as new listeners need to be primed to hear it, and older listeners may be numb to it.
* Roast a scrotes are funny, but would be good to see some good storytime examples or FDS Success examples. After all, you also want to show the benefits of listening to your podcast. After each story that you tell out, remind the audience that they get to share their stories when they are on the Queen Shit tier of the Patreon
* I would like to see you go into more detail about some of the more controversial posts of FDS. Perhaps read the text of the post, then explain why a lot of people found it controversial.
* Encourage women to share the podcast with their friends. Create a short link with sharing capabilities for different platforms (along with transcript and Handbook link) and put it in the show notes
* Lastly, remember there is a reason why podcasters thank their supporters at the end of the cast. It stops current ones from unsubscribing, and it gives a sense of FOMO to the people who aren't in on the awesome conversations.
That's all I've got for now.
I love the third-to-last bullet here and I agree about the first. I generally want the hosts to expand FDS to those guests or at least assert positions. We aren’t just here to listen to their ideas but to understand how they fit into or go against FDS! I want guests to answer and react to FDS ideas. I understand Gail Dines doesn’t hang out on the sub but can we challenge her on our values? Like maybe she got lucky with her husband but since when do we agree to train a man?
I would also love to hear a Roast a Scrote at the beginning of every episode and a Queen Shit Storytime at the end.
Came up with a couple more:
How to stop doing all the emotional labor in relationships
Why women are so exhausted (see above, lol) bc we are expected to do it all — even if not in a relationship — and how to fight that/change the mindset instilled in all of us; to Be caretakers of all things
Podcast feedback: loving it don’t change a thing!
I would love to hear an episode devoted to The Rules dating book. So many younger queens won’t have read it and it is FDS 101. There is also some pickmeisha stuff hidden in there which it would be good to weed out and discuss. This book got me 6 marriage proposals and guys who were crazy about me BUT the problem I had was I was doing the rules on LVM and didn’t vet properly or listen to my intuition. FDS and The Rules combined = sweet spot.
It's a classic and there are definitely a lot of common points. It's a bit dated, but overall I still enjoy it and it helped me before FDS.
I’d love to hear about how to be in a HV relationship. Once you have the HVM, then what?
I’m now in a great relationship and would love to maintain that
On being open to love and a relationship when the past has you putting up walls. Can't attract a HVM or be a HVM with such resistance. Still working through this one.... some weeks more open than others but I can tell men are afraid to approach me because I still have a "leave me the F\*\*\* alone" attitude paired with "I can do it all myself I don't need you". Which when I think about it, I wouldn't want to approach me with that attitude!!
I wholeheartedly second this!
I am so new to the world of FDS and have realized how many stupid mistakes I've been making. I basically ALWAYS let this guy have sex even if I wasn't fully in the mood. I feel like it would be better for both of us if I say no, but I tried to a night a go and we just kept making out until I really wanted it and gave in.
TLDR; How to start saying no to a guy you always used to say yes to?
I really appreciate the podcast and I'm currently at episode 3, I know I'm SO late compared to most ladies here! But I'd love to have a episode around addictions, sobriety, how to deal with men pushing drinks on you while you're sorber, is it worth it accepting former addicts as potential partners? Those questions frequently come back often here on the subreddit and are great topics that have a lot of nuance.
Hello! I love the podcast! I would really love some advice on how to navigate FDS as a single/coparenting parent. More specifically how to vet them not only for you in terms of dating but also for your kids. For example I have two young (under 5) children.
As a single mom I’ve read time and again that predators/pedophiles seek out single mothers so they can get close to their kids. Now I know absolutely no one knows how to spot a pedophile. But I was wondering if other FDS Queens had strategies for vetting or boundaries/rules when it comes to dating a man and introducing them to your children.
I would like to remarry in the future but the thought of sharing a place with my kids and another man scares me tbh. It’s probably due to all the terrible things I’ve encountered online about dads/step dads and rape.
So any tips for dating as a single mom and how to protect yourself and your children would be great!
Also, as a survivor of DV I have to say thank you for that episode about it. I didn’t comment on the episode thread cause I was kinda triggered lol, but it has invaluable information on how to protect yourself. ¡Gracias!
Covid restrictions are being lifted in some places and the male gaze is once again, everywhere. I would love to hear your ideas on how to reject this from the inside out. Literally to hear your voices speaking up against that male, negging voice.
Dating in your 30s, 40s, and 50s. I apologize if this has already been covered!
Is there such thing as a medium value man? I am thinking of my friend's roommate. He is cute, super kind, does most of the house work, offers to help with anything, cooks really well (our friend group always gathers at her place beacuse we know he'll offer to make some snacks or cook an entire meal) and is just bubbly and lifts the mood of everyone around him so I wouldn't call him a LVM. However he is really shy, lacks confidence and isn't assertive at all so I wouldn't call him a HVM either.
That would be a LVM. Overall he adds some value, therefore he is not a NVM (negative value man) or ZVM (zero value man). He isn't reliable in the value he provides - it doesn't appear like you could count on him - which contradicts being a HVM, like you already pointed out.
The man you described would take more from you than he could ever provide. The net value would be low or negative. There is no medium value man who needs to be taught skills on socializing and dating. He can get that help from a professional and become high valid enough for dating.
Yeah, I aggre. I was asking if there is a label for man that you wouldn't want to date (and they don't try to date you either) but are not negatively affecting anybody and is kinda good to have them around. It just feels weird to call a LVM someone who haven't done anything wrong and it actively improves the live of anyone around him without expecting anything in return.
Describe a man to me who isn’t low value and high value. Just because he’s not hurting *you*, doesn’t mean he’s not LVM status. Trust that he is until he proves otherwise because most are.
I've been thinking about this too lately. I know many guys who are not necessarily HVM, but they are good people so it doesn't feel right to refer to everyone non-HVM as LVM. Can we coin the medium value man (MVM)?
Do you know these men intimately? They might watch porn, have been very LV when they were younger, etc. A lot of low value behavior shows up when you get to know a man intimately.
Value isn’t about “goodness”. I think a re-reading of the handbook is necessary here.
I think this would be a great topic for a podcast, and that can be pinned for easy access? Going over the terminology and explaining the origins would be helpful too. I would also love a Roast a Scrote at the beginning of every episode and a Queen Shit Story Time at the end.
I would like to hear more about the future plans for FDS. I'm curious about who is considered the leader, or owns the brand, and about the division of labor when it comes to the podcast content, website, moderating the subreddit, etc. I wonder if there's sort of a tentative plan, or everyone is playing it by ear right now, in terms of moving FDS forward. Also whether there conflicts among the leaders on how the brand should move forward?
I think FDS is in a very chaotic in-between stage of branding for future content and growth, and defining themselves, and where the subreddit, website, and podcast are in terms of creating cohesive content.
I want more content critical of the world from an FDS lens, but if this isn't in the vision, that's understandable. I'd just like to understand the vision for FDS a bit more. Like is the long term growth plan to move beyond dating, into self help (leveling up), and other topics, or to stick specifically to dating strategies. I admire the entrepreneurial spirit that has pushed FDS forward, and I can't wait to see what all of the amazing women involved continue to bring to the table to share with us all.
I understand the interest in knowing who plays what role in FDS but keep in mind that this a risky business for the mods. Because of the blatant misogyny in society going public at this stage could become potentially life threatening.
Very true, this is a great point. I definitely don’t mean revealing information about them personally! Their safety takes priority over any desires from the community.
They’ve discussed going into other forms of media like video, books, etc. I’m mostly curious about that process and if that will be just the podcast folks or are other moderators going to be involved. They absolutely don’t owe anyone explanations, I’d just love to hear what they are comfortable sharing.
I agree with you.
I don't want any of the FDS mods disclosing their internal strategy, who the leaders are or any other revealing details for their own personal safety.
There’s also an opportunity for some healthy boundaries here. I’ve seen people pose these kinds of questions to other podcasters. And while I’m curious too, our social investment in the brand and parasocial relationship with the hosts doesn’t give us the right to know all of these details of the business. Future of content: our business. Division of labor: not so much.
I'd love to explore how to date outside of OLD, how to be on top of your seduction game : not being too accessible but still being accessible to the right guy. How to find the right timing with a guy outside of OLD.
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I'd love to hear interviews with/advice from age 40+ women like myself. The dating scene on this side of the hill is so different than it was 20 years ago — people who want children have already had them, financial goals and expectations are more retirement-oriented, sex drives have changed, and so on.
I would love to see a podcast about red flags to watch out for in abusive men. Hearing Lundy Bancroft interviewed would be a dream come truuuueee
A couple topics I would be interested in:
\-Meeting men in the wild- OLD has been discussed heavily on the podcast as far as the positives and negatives and some strategies are concerned. A discussion for strategies of meeting men in real life would be great- where and also how to do this safely as there are safety pitfalls of being approached by men IRL just like there are for online dating. Also, any tips for vetting/background checking a man we just met.
\-For women who are part of a religious community- what pros and cons are there of looking for a man within the community versus outside of it? Any additional red or green flags.
\-Flirting and seduction techniques that show we reciprocate the man's interest without being "PickMe".
\-Establishing inner self-worth and Queen Energy especially after growing up with abuse/neglect, or re-establishing it after an abusive or draining relationships. How to level up from the inside out.
\-Vetting yellow flags. Most of us here know what a truly NVM looks like and are wise to the guys who want to split dates, take us on free dates, who don't keep themselves or their surroundings clean, who are overtly abusive. What about littler things that come up further down the line when you're vetting? Everyone has bad days- when do we give another chance and when do we call it quits if it's something that is bothersome enough to give us pause, but the person has otherwise been wonderful?
I love the podcast from all the episodes I've listened to so far (haven't listened to them all yet). It's a great listen when I'm doing my self care routine on the weekend or while exercising.
One small feedback- Savannah's voice sounds quieter in the podcast (maybe due to the mic or something about the way it is recorded) and I've noticed a few times she was interrupted when she was saying something really interesting. This could be a tech issue or just something where you all are working out the back-and-forth but either way I wanted to share. Thank you to all of you ladies for producing such quality content week after week.
I would love a podcast on fat women, what it’s like being fat (not even getting basic eye contact from retail employees or customers), interviews with people who have been both fat and thin and experienced the stark contrast in treatment from non-human to beautiful woman.
Interview this woman on beauty privilege: Oh! Stephco on YouTube (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x1921sXvM3g)
It would be interesting if someone could delve into how men use the word fat to control us. From making us buy diet products, to negging us in an effort to control our behavior within our relationships. And to control what we look like. Why are men forcing us to uphold an insane beauty ideal? Porn?
How many of us had fathers or boyfriends try to control what we ate using this dreaded word, “fat?”
Why do men in general think they can police what any woman eats? It would be great if someone knowledgeable could talk about the connection between food and sex, and why that makes fat women appear immoral.
Having lost 40 lbs after moving cross country and losing a LVM- and having bordered on eating disorders after relationships (losing 10 lbs and being told oh all you have to do is not eat to look like this?) I think this could be a really good episode. Maybe needs more time to construct it. Have a list of talking points. Just bc eating disorders are triggers and light bantar about things can be unexpected negative phrasing, without malice but it happens to the best of us.
I may be in the minority but I find general educational stuff about how we are influenced by patriarchy and internailzed misogyny, systemic issues, etc (like the episode Dr Gail Dines and Autism), so in short broader feminist issues, more helpful than content that is specifically about dating.
I am aware its called Female DATING Strategy for a reason though lol. Still, I feel like that kind of content really is the most helpful because it helps break the brainwashing and conditioning we've been bombarded with since birth, makes it more visible so it can be reflected on and in turn makes us raise our standards for dating as well.