Seemingly HV until you find out how he wants to raise your children
By - carmen_sandiegos_hat
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This is why money does not a HVM make. I know a lot of well off men who think that throwing money at their children counts as “parenting”, and makes up for not being a good dad. Very much not the case.
This was my dad. He just wasn't emotionally available and worked weird hours for more money while complaining about paying child support to our mom. He ended up creating a dynamic where we knew the only support he could provide was financial yet he'd get upset if we only went to him for money and of course the money would come with strings.
It should surprise no one that none of us kids are in contact with him anymore.
You just stirred a memory about my dad. He literally couldn't be bothered to be invested in my life, but would go through the motions, thinking that was enough. And then he would complain about me only ever asking him for "car keys or cash" when I was in high school.
Thank you for validating that I needed more than financial support from this man, because that's all I got 99% of the time. Now I feel like I need to unpack that!
We absolutely deserved and needed more from our dads. As kids we didn't have the vocabulary to express that, and we never should have had to in the first place. ❤️
This is very important. I remember having doubts in my mind about my former relationship when my ex mentioned he will be raising his kids differently, implying that he “will only ‘simp’ for [his] daughter, but will raise [his] son strictly”.
I was appalled. When I asked him for details, he was unwilling to discuss them as it wasn’t “the right time” for that conversation.
So my SO was being raised by relatives briefly. The dad in that family would beat my SO and his two male peer family members with belts, spoons, paddles, etc. because "they need to learn to be good men". But the female children in the house were never physically "disciplined" because "it's wrong to hit girls".
My SO's perspective on parenting was, "i want to have real sources and do things totally differently than what any of the people who took care of me did." And he reads books and articles, he listens to podcasts and watches parenting YouTube, he is super engaged to the point sometimes I get on him for helicopter parenting, he's very open to me giving him feedback or corrections when he does things we agreed not to do or that aren't working, he helps with doctors appointments or when kiddo is sick, etc. It's really important to know what the person you're co-parenting with went through and what they actually want to do as parents.
It’s honestly very heartbreaking, I’m sorry to hear your SO had such a traumatic childhood. I feel for young children, boys and girls, who grow up in such environments. It’s extremely unfair.
My husband claims he does so much with the kids.
Yet most of the work is me.
He cuddles and snuggles and plays with them? That's because I keep them fed, hydrated, and changed their diapers.
He takes them walking or swimming? That's because I packed everything up, make sure they wore sunscreen, made sure they didn't run off, etc.
He teaches them words and stuff about the world? They learn more from t.v. than they have from this man. He doesn't want them watching stuff that calls things good (because Jesus said only God is good), that calls dads by father (because Jesus also said to not call any man on earth father), that teaches kids to say thank you (because you should only give thanks to GOD)... but then when asked for HIM to find a show that doesn't do this, or a single episode that doesn't do it... he can't seem to list or find a single one! And our kids say thank you all the time.
He gives our son baths? Begrudgingly. Not with a glad heart and happy spirits. He gets it over with as quick as possible so HE can relax... he thinks all I do is relax. He clearly doesn't spend enough time with his son to know that that boy refuses to let me rest for more than 15 min unless he's asleep.
What is it with men not being able to see the person jumping through hoops to make their lives easier? Like how are people so oblivious to the obvious work that a mother and homemaker do to make they’re lives easier? Not even a thank you huh?
Oh, I once told him I need words of affirmation because it's one of my love languages, specifically for when I clean.
"Why should I praise you for the bare minimum?" He said.
And I had a realization earlier. So I sent it to him:
I just realised since adhd is a constant search for dopamine sources that it totally makes sense why I need words of affirmation for doing chores. It's not wanting empty praise, it's wanting cleaning to culminate into a big surge of dopamine. And receiving praise for cleaning would result in a consistent dopamine source, meaning I'd be more likely to clean because my brain wants the dopamine.
I have undiagnosed adhd and just started taking wellbutrin. I just can't get official diagnosis in my town, I have to drive an hour and a half away.
I highly recommend reading the handbook. None of this is healthy or acceptable.
I'm ashamed about this now but my ex husband always hid from doing anything with our child or the house, he used his business for that reason. I coped ok even though I was also working, but the Crux was when we had our second child. All of a sudden he had to be there every night to help out, especially as we had a refluxy new born. And he was very resentful about being tied to help out. You need to have these conversations ladies with your partner. We didn't talk in detail but he was way worse than I ever expected.
Sis, if you have adhd, this kind of relationship is going to make it worse. I have adhd myself, and one advice I commonly hear from therapists it is very important, should you get in a relationship, that your partner will help and support you especially regarding cleaning and organization as these things requires a lot more energy for us than a normal person. But it’s also important regarding a lot of other aspects of adhd, like being able to have alone time to recharge mentally and not getting overwhelmed or simply to go to therapy appointments, keeping up with a routine and structured schedule etc. I understand that if you have kids, leaving would not be as simple if you were single and living seperatly. But you really have to consider the impact this relationship is going to have on your health.
I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're married to a severe fundamentalist. That is a true Hell on Earth. My father was similar, didn't want us to say things were awesome because we should be in awe of God only, stuff like that. I no longer talk to him. Men like that have no humility and are as the Pharisees, tithing their herbs while refusing to love their neighbors. I no longer believe in the supernatural, but the Bible says people will identify Christians by their love and he is not running on love, he is running on pride and selfishness. You have my deepest sympathies.
This is why I always say, if you’re a woman who does want kids. When you are considering marriage to a man, ask yourself if you’d truly feel comfortable with him raising your children if you died. It’s not a nice thought but the reality is it could happen. If you can’t confidently be okay with him raising your children solo, trusting him to only keep good people around your kids (if his family isn’t great), you don’t need to be marrying that man. If you’d be worried about your future kids or who he would have them around, run the other direction.
I got a puppy with a very high prey drive. I told him to never EVER let go of her leash when he walks her as she could get lost chasing literally any animal or anything that catches her interest. One day he told me lightheartedly how he let her roam free and she ran away from him, but no big deal cause he caught her. This idiot could have let my dog run into the street and die a painful death. That’s the moment I knew he had no respect for me and was too stupid for children. My puppy was 4mo.
I’ve been interrogating men about this since I was a teenager (and they were boys, yes haha), because of my own upbringing. When I was 15 and I decided ai wanted to be a mom one day, I thought it was probably better to be a single mother because men are never good dads (based in my own experience), but now despite all odds I’m willing to believe there is someone good out there. So let’s keep vetting!
PS: if you feel your guy doesn’t have your back, he won’t have your children’s either. Not in the way it matters.
Man this is hard to read but so important. I know a dog is not a child, but I would like to say adopting a dog together gives you the teeniest peek into how he will be as a father. My bf and I adopted a dog in January and it forced us to talk through many situations that easily could have been situations with a child. We enrolled our puppy in puppy kindergarten which was a 6 week course that really trained the owner to handle a dog well. We went together to every session. It was very telling which couples (it was mostly couples) communicated well and which ones were not. Or which side of the pair was reinforcing the training and which side was not. I strongly recommend this before considering children.
^ This is great advice. I got a dog with my ex and the way he cared for the dog, or neglected to care for the dog I should say, really opened my eyes to how he would be as a father. He wanted to be around for the fun stuff, but all the care fell to me.
Ayup. I was the one who posted the other day that my puppy freaked out and pooped all over our apt. My bf just me sit on the couch with him, calming him down (the puppy) and cleaned up everything. It took him a solid 45 minutes. Made me feel better that he won’t freak if our baby has a blow out!
I once dated a guy who I thought was great until he talked about how he believes in spanking children. It was so disappointing but I noped right out of there.
This is good! I’ve always been shocked how little friends talked about a hypothetical future with their partners. I would even consider it a red flag if your partner says he wants to have children but doesn’t check with you about how you plan on raising children. A man who wants to be a father would vet you just as you vet him.
Thank you for your help ! This is GOLD !!!
slightly off topic, but why have you been to so many weddings?
feeling suddenly very aware that I'm in my mid 30s and haven't attended any since I was in elementary school
My family knows a lot of people haha!
This post was very much needed ! What you wrote at the end is so true. We have to consistently vet !! I made a huge mistake with my son's father . Granted he is in our son's life , there are still things that I am concerned about . Anyway, this was a great post !
This is fabulous advice!