Weekly FDS Check-in
By - Unlikely-Marzipan
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Do the financially astute among us have any tips on how to live well while single? I have expensive tastes, love to “nest” and am determined to never have another roommate, but my metro is definitely priced for dual incomes. Apartment hunting best practices? Inexpensive treats that feel indulgent? Mindset tips?
Depends. If the roommate thing is non-negotiable, would you consider short term Air BnB type guests?
For places to live, look at studio apartments instead of one bedroom if you’re looking to never have a roommate.
Depending on your city, there are usually discounts for plays/musicals that are cheaper during non-peak times.
Try to travel at times when families cannot (ie avoid school holidays and child friendly destinations during the long summer break)
Have about 6 months worth of expenses saved up
I could live with that :) As long as I get to selfishly decorate the place the way I want it, all good
I can’t wait to hear what people have to say!
I live in a fancy new high rise but don’t pay close to the advertised rent. I was able to get in with a 10 week concession that lowers my rent by $500 a month.
The building has a lot of amenities that I would normally have to pay for. There is a huge gym, 2 (pool sized) hot tubs, a sauna, steam room, game room, office spaces (with free printing), the building is highly efficient so utilities are next to nothing and there is in unit laundry (this is a big deal in my area).
While the rent might be higher then average, with all of the extras, plus time and utility savings, I’m actually better off financially.
All the amenities are what makes those apartments worthwhile. Sounds like a great deal.... 500$ less a month in perpetuity!? Wowza! And free printing!? and steam room + sauna? good stuff. I would suggest visualizing your 'exit strategy' as in, always trade up so your next situation is better than the last. Long term, there's probably a sweet spot for when to leave (and for what) in order to get yourself to where you want to be in your later years. If that's renting in the same spot, sweet. if you want a house, it might be necessary to do a pivot at a certain point in order to make the necessary savings. Enjoy your sauna for me so I can live vicariously through you! :)
Definitely. I’m currently saving for a duplex (rent one side, live in the other). Honestly though, I love my apartment and the lifestyle it allows. I still want the duplex but *might* just rent both sides until I’m ready for a lifestyle change.
Smart!! that's what I'm looking for too. I don't want to be a "landlord" so much as I want to have a close knit community and space available for extended family if they come on hard times. The only reason I left my apartment that had all those same things you love was because of covid... pool closed, sauna closed, gym closed, etc etc... just started to feel like a caged rat without those perks so I decided to move back home to save. Thankfully my mum is a saint and moved out to help her mother out. I would so much rather be paying my mom's rent than paying a property management co. But if it wasn't for covid, I wouldn't have moved. Honestly the pool, gym, all those facilities helped me lose 25 pounds that I gained during a time of chronic illness, without having to go find a trainer or a gym and fit that into my life. Good luckkkkk let us know how it goes!!!! Ahhhh daydreams of duplex...
Exactly! I’m hoping buying a place will provide some income now and help me provide for my mom later.
This is such a goal of mine as well! To either have my own house and build two mother in law type suite apartments with garage space underneath like the one I currently live in right now. I was in such a dark and lonely place when I left my previous place and my aunts mother had a vacancy at just the right time. I’ve been able to heal here and learn how to survive on my own. I’d like to pay that forward one day in my own way by renting out only to women who need a safer and cheaper alternative.
that is so sweet!! small things to help the community are not small at all.
And she’s never raised my rent or asked for anything more than she originally did! Part of my rent is mowing the yard and general yard work vs her having to pay landscapers to do it. I don’t know I just want some big property to build my own house and two places like mine but decked out to the nines with appliances but they can have the freedoms to decorate and remodel as they want. That’s what my landlady did for me and so I come home to a place I built by and for myself. I’ve got the garage below me and use it as an art studio/workshop and want to put that aspect of living in my own suites as well. So I hope to pay that forward one day and still have some passive income while enjoying the luxuries of my own home and helping out other women who need it like I needed it.
I vet my purchases like I should have vetted the men in my life. If you look into what you are purchasing and what the business model behind that product is, you may find yourself
A) waiting to spend that money until you find a business worth supporting
B) discovering that whole industries make you entirely sick to your stomach and you lose the desire to make that purchase
C) enjoying the research process so much that you spend so long doing it that weeks pass before dollars leave your account. If this is the case I suggest writing it all down so you don't have to go back and re-research things, and you can share your intel in a blog or with a group of friends.
Savvy shopping is the first step towards being an entrepreneur... Be the pickiest picker you want to be. For me, I had to look back into my mother's family history to understand what forces were at play and why I felt pressured to live a certain lifefstyle. When I saw that for 100+ years my family was suffering in victorian britain poorhouses prior to public health and labour acts, it changed my perspective on what "making it" looked like. I stopped feeling like I wanted "a nicer house" and realized that my mum is the **first woman in our direct lineage to be the Head of the House that She Owns without A Man or Husband**... going all the way back to the 1760s. I can live at home in the house that she owns, and it would be absolutely criminal if I let "society" make me feel ashamed for not having one myself. The main focus for me is on making sure that my family doesn't backslide into homelessness and abject poverty, and also to make sure that I am creating a sustainable "nest" that future generations can be proud of. That is more important than design trends or decor.
It's all about QUALITY of the goods you are investing in. So much out there is "crap" that is just marketing and denigration of independent working familiies, whose exploitation was planned, intentional, and which started in the industrial revolution.
... i just wanna go shopping...
Yes. To. ALL of this. As a Black American my family has only ever owned one home, purchased by my grandfather on the “bad” side of the tracks. All the neighbor kids grew up to want a “nicer house” but in the end moved like 10 minutes in any direction from where they started. My mom used to put everything on layaway and spend tons of money she didn’t have to appear like we “had it all.” As a result my college savings were gone before I’d even sent my first application.
Now that I’m in my thirties I’m learning “having it all” in relation to other people is a horrible self-defeating myth. I love to shop for the perfect high-quality thing that’ll elevate my life or lifestyle just a little bit more ❤️ Love the idea of sleuthing it out in a blog or something so as not to lose the trail!
Cheers Shockingupdate, from my family to yours. Shout out to your grandfather for making it happen! What a badass! It's so sad that our mothers' generation was gaslit into believing that "having it all" was all about "keeping up appearances" in that way. It was common at the time too for women to be blamed by their husbands for "overspending" rather than on these centuries-in-the-making systemic factors that incentivize living beyond ones' means... which guarantees labour output from that individual for years to come... credit debt goes hand in hand with enslavement and forced labour, all so governments can make guarantees to the capitalist classes who care only for maximizing profits. They don't want us to connect the dots between the atrocities committed against the [Oliver Twist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Blincoe)s and Kunta Kintes of our ancestors.
Ne Obliviscaris. We will *never* forget.
What are your long term plans? Do you plan to invest in a property in an area you really like but can’t yet afford? I’d say that it might be a good idea to research up and coming areas, rent there cheap, watch it get better and maybe suss out if you decide to invest there. If you don’t end up buying there, you will have saved up and will be able to afford a place you want to buy a few years down the line. I did exactly that, and was pleasantly surprised at how lovely my two next door neighbours were - I even gave them my spare set of keys and they’d go look after my dog when I’d go away for work for a few days, and we are still friends now even after I bought a lovely house in a good area. If you set yourself, say, a five year plan, you will know that there is an end to the situation that’s less than ideal, and it will give a meaning to some relative discomfort.
Oh that makes a ton of sense. I’ve been thinking about which neighborhoods in my city have the right “energy” for me but not really about investment; I’m planning on leaving the country as soon as I get my next degree lol.
Keep your eyes open when apartment hunting! It's possible to find reasonable rent prices, but it's certainly a hunt. Make sure to look at people renting out their condos and such too, apartments will change their prices often to track with the market, but some condo owners are more concerned with finding the right tenant and prices might not be as high. Moving in the fall/winter may get you a better rate for an apartment. Or if you're in a college town, at least before students start to move back. Or check with your city to see if they have any income restricted housing. If you happen to be in a tech heavy city but don't work in tech, you may qualify.
Also, think about what you're paying for. Most of the rent where I live is essentially for the city. So for me, I need the city to work for me. The energy needs to be pretty high and motivating. The economy needs to be strong. Good community. Things like that. Make sure you're getting what you need out of where you live.
I've always lived alone and am a nesting maniac. One of the things I like to do is use cash-back cards (eg amazon's 5%, Target's 5%) and then when a certain amount has accrued, use that for something I wouldn't ordinarily spend money on. I just bought a portable hot tub for my deck. :)
I'm also one of those "use the cards for everything and pay them off at the end of the month" people. If you are disciplined enough to actually DO that, it's great for your credit rating, provides excellent spending tracking, and I typically have one free flight per year with the points. (It's easier than it sounds, everything is kind of on autopilot for me. And I never pay full price for anything.)
Check the beer money sub. You can join programs like mturk or usertesting to earn some side cash. There was a post about a week ago with end of May earnings that may interest you. Also, have you heard of the FIRE community? It's a lifestyle changer. However, you can definitely still live a champagne life, while learning how to budget on the things you don't care for or won't lead to long term financial security.
I live in a pricey city but my home is my sanctuary, so I do splurge with housing costs. But this makes me work harder and invest more. I match what I pay in rent into a savings that I mostly invest in the market. I have opportunities to work more and increase my income, so I usually dedicate a weekend morning to getting those projects done (on my laptop from my cool apt). To me, it’s worth it. In the past, if I roughed it housing wise I was not nearly as peaceful. I do try to cook more at home instead of dining out, make my own coffee most days, etc.
One tip I have is renting a condo from an owner rather than apartment/management company. I find it’s a flat cost with parking and amenities included, while apartment companies have all these added on extra costs. If you do rent an apt, take advantage of promos offering free rent.
Sounds like we’re a lot alike! I love perfecting my space, and roughing it does a number on me. I’ve been looking at property management companies to upgrade my rental situation, but going straight to an owner is such solid advice, thank you :)
I usually cook and make coffee and home, but I’m also trying to build some passive income to help subsidize my fancy-bitch lifestyle, hopefully it all comes together soon
I got confirmation that one of my married colleagues is banging our department secretary. Anyone have any similar experience having to deal with cheaters in the workplace? I just feel rageful over the entitlement and inappropriateness of it all, and of course the wife is an absolute sweetheart, beautiful child together, etc. etc.
If I could, I would anonymously alert the wife.
Second that. Get some evidence and send it anonymously to wife as well as to the department managers. Maybe to the guy’s parents as well.
Yes, evidence is key. This guy's parents are dead but I do know her parents were very involved in childcare during the pandemic...and this is how he repays them.
Her parents then, in case she is too ashamed to tell them. Sounds like they’re likely to be supportive. Don’t know what others would say about the secretary’s close circle?
I think the parents also moved closer to them to watch their child. The secretary is single. While everyone is friendly in the office, I always thought he knew a little too much about her. Like last year she was applying for a job in a different department - secretary for a bigger department - and he seemed pretty invested in that. At the time I just thought it was a little weird that he even knew that.
That’s gross, why would she do it to another woman and an innocent child?
She's exactly what we talk about here - very much into photographing herself in bikinis and posting them on Instagram, dancing on TikTok, etc. And we're talking early to mid 30s. She is attractive but there's not much else going on there. By contrast the wife is this sweet, caring earth mother type, pretty in a natural way.
I agree. She deserves to know. Unfortunately I have no poker face so I am pretty sure I am telegraphing my disgust for all to see. Maybe my emotions need to die down a bit before contacting her anonymously. 10 years of marriage. God I hate men sometimes.
And HR. Years ago 2 coworkers got busted for this... the CFO and AP manager. She got fired so fast.
Was she the CFO? Or did the man face no consequences? Unfortunately in these situations it’s usually the woman who loses and is pushed out. I’m sure this guy tells his secretary how unhappy he is, how awful his wife is, etc.
No she was not the CFO.
Anyone else already planning their post-pandemic life? I’m already making lists of restaurants, bars, exercise groups, uni clubs, etc lmao. There’s still a long way to go but it’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment!
Definitely! I have my eye on a jazzercise class. My stirrup leggings are ready to go.
I'm just waiting for exercise classes to open and stay open! Yoga, Pilates, etc! Really looking forward to that
I want to meet new people soooooooo badly!!
I'm planning on doing so shortly, I'm moving away (moved back to close to where I grew up for a few months) to where my narc/emotionally abusive family can't reach me. Think a pick-me mum and creepy male relatives my pick-me mum tries to make every possible excuse to leave me alone with when I visit her.
It's tough though. Even just living close to them is a mental drain. I almost can't think ahead although I'm usually an optimistic happy person. Problem is, I've paid upfront till mid-July on this property and I would be losing out on a lot of expensive rent if I up and left sooner.
Sorry this is a negative comment. Just had to vent.
No no, vent away! Narc families are so ridiculously draining, it can be quite hard to distance yourself from them. Congrats on taking the plunge to move away! Just take it a day at a time and soon enough you’ll be far away from them and free ❤️ I’m in a similar situation so if you ever need someone to talk to I’m here!
Thank you sis, really appreciate it ❤️ Yep, part of me is scared to move away which makes no sense because I literally lived/went to uni on the other side of the country for years and years and was happy. My mum is putting thoughts in my head about how "it's not safe" and other crap. That's such an inspiring thought, will take it a day at at time. Thank you, I will do ❤️ and best of luck to you too!
My narc mom did the exact same thing when I talked about moving out! Narcs hate it when you gain any sense of freedom from them. It 100% means you’re making the right choice 🙌
It's so insidious and controlling from them! Thanks again, I am going to view it as something to look forwards to now instead (which it IS) and keep busy till then ❤️ Good luck!
My place is on a mini lockdown, exercise classes are resuming in another week. I've already planned out which classes I want to go for! My classpass has been on hold for too long!
A quick question to you ladies, if you don’t mind helping me out with an answer that I feel, is floating somewhere close to my consciousness level, but not enough to be able to put it into words. I’m in the late 30s- early 40s age range, agreed to a drink date (I know, I know, feel free to be brutal) with a guy in supposedly early (but I think probably late) 40s. My excuse is that my past drink dates always turned into dinner dates almost immediately. A quick snoop online revealed he’s most likely loaded, a high ranking job in cyber security. He also sent me an unsolicited link for a house he was supposedly looking to buy with lots of land, most likely worth a few million dollars. Not unusual where I live, but who knows. I should also say that I am relatively comfortable, so money does not impress me that much, not that he would know. In almost the same breath(OLD text) he invites me to drinks, I give him the opportunity to set things right, saying I d be happy to, except that I don’t drink. He then gleefully suggests I can have a fizzy drink instead. Furthermore, he suggests we do it near my work in the city (I live in the country, an hour’s drive outside peak hours) after a long ass working day, before I set out on my journey home.I agree, but keep having a bad feeling and FDS warnings ring in my head. Anyway, he ignores my question about what kind of venue he has in mind (so that I get an opportunity to vet before I waste my time getting ready etc) and we just agree on the time, and he says he’ll park in a public multi storey park. He also knows that I’ll be in a client company’s office, so can’t really hang out there after I finish. Since I hear nothing from him all day and the feeling keeps getting worse (there was some virtue signalling also, he’s an IT guy and British, all of which I had multiple bad experiences with), I happen to finish early and then just head home. 5 mins after the agreed time (my end of the working day) he texts apologising that he is running ten mins late. I text back: “oh, sorry, since I didn’t hear from you with anything concrete, I made other plans”, half expecting him to apologise and offer to come my way another time (as he had said he would previously, if I was too tired to meet). His response : “you said you worked in X area, I just drove for an hour, thanks”. I was tempted to ask what he thought we were going to do, but felt unwarranted anger in his text and just unmatched instead. I am now left with an ambiguous feeling of guilt (he was going to meet after all and probably spent time getting ready etc.), but another part of me feels uneasy about all this ambiguity of the date. Like, was he just going to meet me on a street corner? Or was I supposed to wait in the car park after dark where he was intending to park?! Was he expecting we go past a row of bars and pick one we both like? Your help would be much appreciated. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a good while, enjoying my freedom.
You did the right thing to unmatch. He seemed like a loaded nvm
Nothing to feel guilty about.
1) He was supposed to choose a location and let you know in advance instead of letting you wait out on the street.
2) He was supposed to make reservations wherever he wanted to take you to ensure that you'll have a comfortable place to sit, he couldn't do that because of, see above.
3) He only let you know that he was late after he was supposed to already be there. Extremely rude.
4) He should've confirmed the date earlier in the day, even if it's just a "looking forward to it" text.
You acted the appropriate way
The house part was future faking and meant to impress a pickmeisha. Totally inappropriate of him let alone the other red flags the other members already mentioned.
You did the right thing by going home and also in unmatching him. Going forward men you don't know shouldn't have so much information about where you work and the house link is a huge red flag.
This guy was just looking to waste your time. You're right to feel uneasy about this ambiguous date, as others have said without a time and location this wasn't a date.
Try not to dwell on what he intended or expected. It won't help you in any way, you can't learn anything from "understanding" that he doesn't consider your time, safety or humanity to be relevant to the date.
Unless he has established a time, date and location, there is no date. In the future, don’t do anything that isn’t convenient and easy for you. I drop a vague pin that is near me so that men don’t know exactly where I live but they can pick a restaurant within a 15 minute radius. If he is unwilling to drive to you, he is a 50/50 man and abort ship.
By the way, men know this. He was “shit testing” you. He was being low effort. Also, the point of us knowing the location is for us to feel safe as well as for us to know how to dress appropriately.
Last point, I think it was kind of tacky/uncouth that he sent you an unsolicited pic of property he intended to buy. I’ve had multiple men point out to me that they were buying property or that they were homeowners because they know it makes them more attractive to women. But their intentions were to use me as a free prostitute (that is what I call FWB) because the house wasn’t actually a symbol of their “stability” or readiness for a serious relationship. Also, I wouldn’t believe a man anyway until I saw his name on the deed. They only have to fake financial stability or affluence until they have what they want- sex and/or to get their emotional hooks in you.
I agree with the other advice you received. Don’t overthink this. You didn’t miss out on anything. If he really wanted to make sure this date happened he would not have screwed it up. And the house thing… how tacky! Money does not make a HVM.
Don't feel guilty - he didn't feel guilty when his aim was to pull the wool over your eyes and have sex with you. Like others said, he was future faking and trying to see how desperate you were to meet with him.
And like others said, don't let these scrotes know where you work and live. Be vague. Even in my Pick Me days, I was staunchly secretive about where I lived and worked. You don't want to have to worry about looking over your shoulder.
His angry/guilt-tripping response set off alarm bells for me. This is not someone who can take accountability. He knowingly didn't text you until it was too late. The entitlement of him expecting you to have dropped everything and be waiting is a huge red flag, too. Don't feel guilty, you did right to leave and to block. If this was the first date, I'd hate to see what would happen after. Consider it a bullet dodged.
Thanks, everyone, for your great advice and for putting so succinctly what I couldn’t verbalise! I guess I am still exorcising the guilt and the need to put everyone else’s needs before my own.
He feels entitled due to his wealth. You deserve someone who can communicate clearly, which he failed to do.
\- Diet tips that have worked for me:
\- limiting all junk of course
\- limiting the amount of grains I eat
\- focus on eating fruit and veg, some nuts, some dairy, protein.
\- lots of water.
edit to add: legumes are good too; chickpeas,lentils,beans etc. Also healthy fats like nuts but also olive oil.
The toughest thing I find with staying healthy is the water! I eat super well, I'm active... I just cant bring myself to regularly drink a glass of water....
I remember to at dinner and sometimes at lunch, but often I'll get to the end of the day and realise, "Shit, I forgot again today!"
No clue how much damage I must be doing by being so careless about something so important.
Buy the twinnings cold infuse tea. Helps you drink as if it’s juice or soda without the calories.
I'm drinking 3L a day right now, I usually try at least 1L. I'm the type to munch mindlessly when I'm bored so instead I just drink water. I just think it's really important for your skin and general health so why not make it a priority? My problem is staying active.
Same, this is so hard for me. I just don't crave water like that and I'll go all day before I remember to drink something.
glasses of water seem to need to be filled up sooooo often. having a dedicated waterbottle and keeping it nearby / on the desk at all times is key. We evolved from the oceans!! we're like reverse whales!! whales live underwater and need to consciously come up for air; we live in the air and need to consciously seek out water.
when i think about it that way, it's like, if I was in space and running out of oxygen in my tank, would I say "i just can't bring myself to put my oxygen mask on" or to recharge my Oxygen tank. Lol ohhh the mental gymnastics we need to do on ourselves to take care of ourselves.
While drinking more water can be really good if it isn't something you're noticing you need you might already be getting enough. We can get a lot of water from our food as well, especially if you're eating a lot of plants.
I always have a carafe with infused water on my desk. It's so much easier to drink enough water when the slightly tastes of fruit. I usually put the chunks of half of an organic lemon into 1l water, refill at least 3-5 times and drink it over the day. It's really easy and it looks pretty too.
When I go outside I always carry a bottle of water with me.
The best diet choice I've ever made was to go vegan and cook my own vegan food. I can eat waterever I want, it tastes wonderful, I'm very resilient and I haven't worried about my weight since then (it's been years!).
Congrats! I needed to see this.. I am starting out on my own fitness journey and I want to be more mindful about what I eat. Time to start feeling good!
no problem I have lots of diet tips but this is what helps me the most. I also wanted to add healthy fats keep you satiated, which is why I don't cut out dairy as well.
This is more of a mini-rant that I may delete later but I’ve had something on my mind. I’ve been with a man for seven months and to get straight to the point, we got drunk together and had sex (consensual, all good) but the next morning I couldn’t remember much. While we were chatting the next day he mentioned that while we were fooling around, I was saying I was too drunk and needed to go to sleep, so to keep me awake, he ‘didn’t force, but heavily persuaded me’ to do coke (his words). Which worked apparently because we stayed up for hours after doing god knows what because I don’t remember. I was shocked when he told me this so nonchalantly. I tried coke once before and I didn’t like it, I told him I never wanted to do it again. But him telling me he ‘persuaded’ me to do it when I was very drunk (drunk enough to not remember this happening), but also bot being able to recall any of the events that followed is scary to me. I don’t feel 100% safe around him anymore. I don’t know. Sorry for the block and text and rambling, feeling a bit all over the place at the moment. Mods, if this isn’t appropriate for this thread I’ll delete
Thank you so much for everyone’s replies!! I’m overwhelmed by the kindness shown by the ladies in this sub! General consensus is that he is a POS and me feeling unsafe is justified. Looking back, there were things I let go that I shouldn’t have. He is my first everything really, I don’t have experience in sex/dating outside of him, so my naivety definitely clouded my judgement, and made me think some things were normal when they’re not. I’m super grateful for this sub. I won’t be seeing him again. Thank you all so much xx
Hey Getlow! Big hugs to you. Sorry that you went through that, it's definitely not okay. Please write this down in your journal in detail in case you need to come back to these events, but for now I just want to let you know from one woman to another... you're fully allowed to feel like there were boundaries that were crossed that night, and that this is not ok. And that how you feel right now is reason enough to cut contact without explanation. Even if you liked him, even if you wanted to have sex with him, even if you'd had consensual sex before with him... He said it himself, that you told him you were too drunk and needed to go to sleep. That is an admission that can get him in trouble if you bring it to the police. That would not be overkill, that would not be your fault, that would not be vindictive, that would not be Bad. **You have a right not to be treated that way.** That right is not something you have to earn or that you only deserve under *certain terms and conditions*. It took me over ten years to accept these facts from my own situation... i hope this helps you skip over some of those darker days of self doubt. You deserve to trust who you are with. I suggest complete no contact and if you are comfortable, going to the police or calling a women's centre for those who have experienced sexual assault and rape. They often have advocate / accompaniment services where someone can go through the process with you so it's not just you alone with your facts speaking to the police. Good luck Getlow, give us an update and tell us how you're doing. Many internet hugs from me.
even the fact that he has secret coke habits is reason to walk away. that he roped you into it too? he will be *lucky af* if he doesn't get charged with something serious.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! I really appreciate your words. Thank you for confirming that I’m not over-reacting; the way he admitted it so nonchalantly had me questioning if I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
I haven’t told my friends about what happened so I really appreciate you replying. This happened about two weeks ago and I haven’t seen him since. I told him how it made me feel and he apologised but I still don’t feel comfortable being alone with him. I definitely feel betrayed because honestly I would never have thought he’d do something like that. I didn’t even know there was coke in his house at the time.
Thanks again! I feel less disconnected with myself, if that makes sense. Your reply has helped, I need to put my safety first
we're among friends here :) thankfully we have this space to talk about and share in these sensitive issues. Thanks mods for protecting our space.
and to be honest, it puts some of my soul back together too, to share what I've learned with you. Get out in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin and know your online friend is thinking of you and cheering you on. :) better days ahead, don't let him talk you into that 'disconnected from yourself' state... that is where they need you to be in order to manipulate you.
love from Canada
A HVM would have put you to bed when you said you were too drunk. And not make advances on you the rest of the night. He should want you to be able to consent. He should make you feel safe and this loser did the opposite!
That's horrible! He sucks ass! I would dump him immediately if that were me. Apart from drugs being dangerous, he could have easily laced it with something else. Then if he attacked you, you would not be taken seriously and would be labeled as a druggie.
You know what you need to do. He utterly betrayed you - you even said that you didn't want to do coke again, and he still made you do it!
You don’t feel safe around him now because he proved he wasn’t looking out for your safety. You already know the right answer. You’re not wrong.
First of all, I am with you and I am sorry this happened to you. This man is a dangerous predator - he planed at least some steps of this event (getting you drunk, plying you with drugs, having sex with you when you were unable to consent), and he knowingly made you go against one of your values (you say no to drugs). Keep away from him and see if you can get some legal advice about at least making a statement to the police, but I wouldn’t hold my hopes high for it. You could, however, contribute to his conviction further down the line, if more women come up with similar statements. Secondly, be prepared to be barraged by invalidation, whataboutisms, “grey areas”, “blurred boundaries”, “what’s his side of the story” bullshit from your friends. Maybe not all, but I am sure there will be some saying that, especially male friends. This might even very well show you who your friends are, and stick with those people. The rest can go to hell.
Also, I am not really up to date with drug culture, but I am wondering whether it was really coke he made you take that resulted in a complete loss of memory. Maybe make some enquires about that, or, better yet, see if you can get some tests on the grounds that you were plied with drugs and want to know what they were. Traces of some drugs can be found up to a year later in, e.g., hair.
You are not obligated to help out other LVW or NVW at all at your own expense. Toxic friendships- male or female, just cut them out!
Trust me, you will age better this way!
truth. in 20-40 years they will be asking you "how you did it"
I just continue to be amazed at how differently men are behaving towards me than in my pre-FDS days. Not pretending I am doing everything ideally, e.g. these interactions are beginning on OLD because it's fine for me currently, but... as I posted in a previous check-in, had a nice dinner date last week, he picked up on some things that might indicate incompatibilities and we texted about that the next day, agreed we weren't a fit, and left it at one nice date.
Someone else I was briefly messaging with, we were both out of town over the weekend but he clearly made a mental note of when I said I would be back (Monday evening) and messaged then to ask if I would still like to go to dinner. Then suggested specific days, an appropriate restaurant (actually a favorite of mine), and between messages apparently he called the restaurant to see about making a reservation.
Now, all of this is very basic, certainly "the bar is on the floor" kind of stuff, but considering that my past dating life has been a consistent mix of business-like coffee dates and me asking men out who were then, unsurprisingly, ready to spend time with me but not ready for a relationship, this is a big step in the right direction.
I hope the date goes well. Continue to vet, queen.
Thank you! It went quite well. The restaurant still doesn’t take reservations so he was there early to get us a table (didn’t mention it, just texted me where to find him before I arrived) and it went on similarly from there. A nice time.
It’s a little work for me to remember who I am and what I’m about now, but I’m glad to have the chance to do that work for myself.
Me and my girlfriends are going to Miami for her 23rd! What are some safe/fun things we can do?
Last time I was in Miami with a group of friends we rented a yacht and had a great time! It was a 12 person max and once we all split it the cost was about $90 a person for 5 hours. We did have to bring anything we wanted to serve (birthday cake, food trays, drinks, etc.) They were stocked with everything else and the Stewardess was so attentive! Being able to relax and party with friends in our own space while enjoying the sun and sandbars was a wonderful experience! If you’re able to coordinate something like this it’s definitely worth it ☀️🌴😎
Im actually getting worried that the troll sub modelled after this one is rapidly growing. First it was 300 now its at 3,000. It doesn't help that a lot of the mods on that sub pretend to be black women so there's an added layer of misogynoir there.
I've not heard of a troll sub and I won't be too bothered by it. It's just a bunch of guys angry and having nowhere to direct their anger at. Let them shout into the void if it makes them feel better. They are exactly the men FDS is warning women about.
For the mods of the FDS discord, do you have an idea on what the turn around time for membership / approval will be like for the next month or so ? I joined the discord and went through screening a couple of months back but there is probably a fair amount of interest that exceeds mod verification availability. TIA!
Link to the discord??? Thanks in advance
1. If it’s a date it should be a solid plan. Location and time is key. You’re supposed to go somewhere solid. Also people are whimsical these days and flippant with cancellations. Men more so. Fix that, if not then you’re totally correct in ditching. If he wanted to impress you on this date he should have cleared his schedule.
Hey FDS-ers. Wanting to get advice on how to express to a new guy that I don’t want to have sex without exclusivity. I have been on several dates recently, and the guy has been surprisingly great so far (though I am keeping my expectations tempered regardless) - but I expect at some point across our next few dates, sleeping together (or more aptly - not sleeping together) is something I’m going to have to address. I’ve never set a hard boundary around it before while in the early stages of dating, and it scares me a bit, so would love to hear how others went about telling a guy no exclusivity = no sex. Also what kind of reaction(s) you got!
You communicate that by not having sex with him. Men aren't stupid. Trust me, they are *very* astute at discerning which women will 'give it up' immediately and which women they have to 'work for'.
Also, if you straight up tell him "I'm not going to have sex until we're exclusive", if he's a LVM, he'll simply tell you what you want to hear in order to get sex. FDS advises against telling men how to treat us for this very reason. Your *actions* are demonstrating that you are not a person who has sex without commitment. If he starts pestering you or pushing your boundaries, he's a LVM who needs to be discarded asap.
Finally, I'm not sure how old you are, but you need to stop with this 'exclusivity' bullshit. Please remove this word from your vocabulary. Either you're his girlfriend, or you're single. There is no in between. I'm in my 30's and have *never* used or encountered the concept of being 'exclusive'. It's a way for LVM to exploit ambiguity and not fully commit. Like, he doesn't get a medal for not fucking other women. If he's interested in pursuing you, that is literally the bare minimum. A HVM will ask you to be his girlfriend and will be very clear about making the relationship official. In fact, he will be *proud* to have you as his girlfriend.
*After* you're his girlfriend, if you're comfortable, you can start having discussions about getting STD tested etc before sleeping together. But this absolutely does not need to be a conversation until you are in a relationship.
Agree with all of this completely. Don't tell him at all /u/lapoesia. You don't owe him any explanation about your consent. If he's worth your commitment he'll respect your no.
A HVM wouldn't push for sex without exclusivity anyway. There is nothing to explain about if he is truly as great as he seems to be at the moment. Don't put yourself under this pressure. This is part of the vetting process. If he attempts sex without even asking for exclusivity you know you are dealing with a LVM fuckboy.
My grandmother, after whom I was named, passed away last Sunday. Because of Covid I haven’t been able to go back to my country in a long time, nor was I able to get on a plane when I got the news that she was found unconscious. All of the women who raised me are now dead.
My grandma was the first woman I knew to dump her husband. She was independent and fearless. Travelled by herself, had friends, really cared about her health and appearance in a very cute way. She was very stubborn and almost always in the middle of a fight with someone, but she had a very kind heart. My favorite memory of her was when she told me that LGBTQ+ people had every right to do whatever they wanted and no one should judge them. I was 12 or so, and I didn’t expect her to be so progressive. Rest in peace, grandma. You were iconic.
I just had this sinking feeling that after an OF or camgirl deletes her videos, there’s going to be some guy that recorded everything and then sells it years later for a higher price, and then when some guy looks up his new woman co worker online to try see if she ever had an OF, he finds it.
So the guy co worker gets a laugh and gets off, the random guy who recorded it makes a profit, both at the woman’s expense, and the girl gets nothing and might feel uncomfortable at work, maybe eventually feeling the need to leave. It’s just so messed up. The woman no longer is feeling emPoweRed as she doesn’t get to dictate what content is viewable, nor does she make any money off of it. I feel bad for these girls and women.
This is sadly so true. They don't just steal the content, they go out of their way to dox the creator and tie it to her indefinitely. Even worse is they don't really do this for profit, they have huge files that they share through forums and discord servers all for free. The misogyny is payment enough for them apparently.
Random but I saw a certain post on 2X and it reminded me of a question I've had that I think is best suited for here.
I had a medical abortion at 5 weeks when I was younger. Caught it early, got into a clinic the next day, wham bam thank you ma'am, and that was that. Now, whenever I see a doctor for seemingly any reason, they ask if I have ever been pregnant. I say yes because well technically I was. They ask the outcome and I say terminated. It has never been a problem.
But I don't entirely feel comfortable sharing with every provider that I have had an abortion exactly because of that post on 2X (about a male anesthesiologist denying care because a woman had an abortion). I am actually more concerned about a provider continuing to provide care but compromising it due to judgement about my past choice. It's sad this is a concern.
So I guess...can I say I have never been pregnant? I hardly consider 5 weeks with a zygote in my uterus "pregnant" but since I passed the preggo test I guess it counts. What would you do??
Edit: to clarify, are there any instances where lying about this could affect my health? Like are there drugs that work different after "pregnancy" or anything?
I think your concerns are valid. If you have a provider that you feel comfortable isn't judging this, I would definitely ask them the next time you're in for a checkup. In the mean time, maybe leave it blank? And only inform your healthcare provider if anything out of routine care is needed?
Really great question, I don't have an answer but am in a similar situation myself with two teens that have asked loose Q's about their bio.
Hope you and your daughter are doing well
I come with three topics:
1.) FDS is growing by the minute and it's wonderful to see it!
2.) Thanks to you I started listening to podcasts. I came across one named [shewhopersisted.com](https://shewhopersisted.com) from the two feminists Beatrice Frasl and Elizabeth-Schreiber-Byers. Go check it out. I'd absolutely LOVE to hear a collaboration with them on one of the following episodes. Since it's pride month my suggestion would be to discuss LGBT+ topics, sex-positive feminism and the impact it has on the LGBT+ community (where did it succeed to better their (dating) lives & where did it fail).
Please, you would make me a very happy woman! 👉👈🥺 😁
On a more serious note, these ladies are great. You are great. I can picture you working together. 🤝
3.) Like another user pointed out, could we have a PSA on when the next discord verification wave is going to take place, please?
Someone please help lol. I’m looking for two things. A user here posted a quote from a book on feminism about how men’s relationships with women are more about impressing other men than about their girlfriend’s humanity, or something along those lines.
There’s also another book about generational trauma and neuroplasticity. For the life of me I can’t remember the title, but in the examples the author talks about:
An older client who got therapy to become a better partner to his wife. It was used for proof that someone can change decades old habits if they choose to. Key word being choose. Many people make excuses for older people being set in their ways when they can change.
Another example was of a woman who was emotionally unavailable with her kids because her mom was that way with her. However she got therapy and understood that she could change because it would be beneficial for herself and her kids. Those were the two main stories I remember from this book.
this is probably not the book you are looking for, but from these topics you may want to peruse the book sex and destiny by Germaine Greer. I skipped the sciencey chapters because it's old book and we know more about the human body now, but her commentary on children / child rearing / why people got married and had kids in the 1980s is so enlightening. Wouldn't include any keywords about generational trauma, but it does paint that picture if your parents / grandparents were waspy in the 80s. This book changed my whole life now that I think about it.
>The author of "The Female Eunuch" examines parent-child relationships in the West, Middle East, India, and Africa and explores the possibility that Western culture hates its children and takes little pleasure from family life
Not sure if this is appropriate and please forgive me if I don't use the correct words/phrases (do correct me when I do so), but for our sisters in the autism spectrum, do you have any tips/resources/advice for someone who suspects is within the spectrum?
I've visited the asper ladies sub, and took several tests in the "embrace autism" website. Since autism in women has only recently started to get studied, there's still a lot of misconceptions and lack of information, and really hard to get diagnosed locally. My hope is to get diagnosed and maybe do some treatment, to overcome a few struggles I never realized might be due to being neurodivergent.
It's a bit overwhelming at the moment, and honestly, I feel a little lost since I just started suspecting after the FDS podcast regarding this topic. So if anyone has anything they'd like to share, I'm all ears!
I don't have exact answers but check out youtube too. I know there are some creators that cover things like how ADHD presents differently in women and they talk about their personal experience, I'm pretty sure I've seen something similar around autism but can't be sure.
Im pretty sure I'm autistic but with 3 special needs kids (one autistic/one suspected) I'm SAHM to, I haven't had time to test myself.
But I was told by my son's paediatrician once that a diagnosis doesn't solve everything, he has lots of parents fighting for an autism/ADHD diagnosis and says it doesn't change anything, put that energy into the difficulties, instead of the title.
I disagree to a point (diagnosis makes school help MUCH easier etc) but I understand the sentiment.
I found alot of clear information at a local special needs family group. If you find one for kids, ask them what's around for adults, they shouldn't just turn you away.
Good luck sister 🙂
I know it's coming from a good place but why do people equate getting married with someone taking care of you?? I'm a fucking adult, I don't need someone feeling bad for me because I don't have a man to take care of me. *I* take care of me. If you have a man should he take care of you? Yes. If you don't have a man, does that mean you don't have anyone to take care of you? No. I take care of myself and my family and friends support me.
The irony is this was said by a relative who destroyed her body taking care of her very mentally & physically frail husband during his last years, when she herself was already elderly, because she didn't have the money to afford a caretaker for him. He wasn't a bad husband to her or anything but still. She ended up having to take care of his every need. And this is typically what happens, as women typically live longer than men. My grandfather wasn't as sick as this relative's husband, but my grandma had to do this too.
So what's this idea that you're going to get taken care of if you're married? Yes that should be the case but it's not guarenteed. Your husband could have an accident five years into the marriage and be disabled for the rest of his life. Or even something less drastic, people change over time, and he could change into a scrote who isn't interested in caring for you.
I used to really want to get married, which looking back on it made zero fucking sense because I couldn't even picture *living* with a man, let alone being a wife, and yet I thought I wanted that. But for some time now, marriage absolutely terrifies me. The idea of legally tying yourself to someone who...you don't know wtf could happen! Your partner could change up on you in 20 years. YOU yourself could change, for better or for worse.
I do not look at successful marriages with a pessimistic attitude, I don't think the couple is gonna break up eventually. I'm really happy for happily married people, I know that's what many people want. Just for myself, I look at it like an extremely stupid and reckless thing for me to do.
Does this mean I have trust issues now 😂? Is it trust issues tho if it's not something you even need tho 🤔? Not everybody needs marriage or even a romantic relationship in their life and I wish this was something I embraced years ago 😩. I'm not the carefree, funny person I used to be before I screwed my life up chasing relationships, but I have the sense of calm back and I am not giving that up.
At this point its not even a question of "can I trust a man?" I cant even trust nature. What if I have to be his caretaker for a very long time because of an illness or disability? Just because someone is married doesn't mean they are taken care of.
Its the main reason I'm single for life. I dont want to be legally bound to someone, and have no idea wtf is gonna happen in the future. Even after you vet and vet and vet, you still have to have a lot of luck.
To mods: suggestion:
Can you consider to have Translation Tuesday so members can post & roast off-putting online dating app profiles?
Benefit is to:
Discourage members to use OLD (to those who haven't tried)
Translate' (roast) entitled misogynist profiles
Nip in the bud ideas of finding HVM there
Encourage members to forgo OLD
That sounds great - we far too often project our own good will and intentions on some ambiguous or straight up sociopathic language, refusing to believe that someone could be that rotten.
There was a while where a lot of screenshots from OLD were being posted and it gets pretty boring, not to mention off-putting to come here and see all the shit they write. Part of staying off OLD is to stop having to see that stuff.
The mods decided to clamp down on it and I think that was the right decision. Anyone tempted to sign up to OLD is just going to see a wave of it when they first start swiping anyway, no need to bring it here.
i would feel more encouraged to forego OLD if i had more exposure to alternative methods rather than focusing on the negative aspects of OLD. I see some women coming out of very long term relationships who haven't had OLD in their lives trying to figure out if you HAVE to use it these days. It seems impossible to avoid and I can see why... I just want to see more positive assertions about what is good than negative assertions about what / who is bad. that is just me though, not discounting that for others it would be cathartic. I do love a good roast, i just dunno whether that is for this sub or for one of our satellite meme subs
I would absolutely loooove to meet people the old fashioned way. I hate OLD and the lack of accountability it provides (no mutual contacts to worry about). But what do I do? I had hobbies for several years that were very male dominated (extreme sports type), and while it was fun while it lasted, I saw absolutely no one that 1. Would be available, 2. I’d be interested in. I have more traditional hobbies like painting, yoga, gardening, I like volunteering in my community, but all these hobbies are usually populated either with women mostly or people that are of my parents’ generation. I finally managed to buy a house in an upmarket area, which is lovely, but again, everyone is either retired (not my age group) or married with kids 😔
i've been thinking about this too. think about it this way; this subreddit began in 2019... it's only 2 years old!! in 5-15 years, I bet you this will continue to be something we talk about. Getting alternative networks for women looking for high value partners seems more possible than ever to me now that we have a community like this.
Dreamstorming but, what if there was an "fds matchmaking network" where we can help to arrange meetings in a more conscious way than the swipefest roulette of the OLDs. I'm being influenced by Indian culture here, even though I know that "arranged marriages" have stigma, I think it very much depends on the values that underpin the matchmaker's network. If the values are to make a profitable, political match regardless of how the individuals feel about each other, that's no good. But if the values are to surface previously vetted men who are interested and committed to the idea of finding *a partner* and who is proven compatible with FDS values... it could really help facilitate young women's access to LOVE that bypasses the degradation merry go round of OLD and modern dating expectations in general.
for example, if any of you have eligible brothers in the toronto region around age 32 who want kids, I'd want to make friends with you and talk about the life and extended family we want to have... maybe setting us up on a blind date or doing a group outing as a friend of yours (legit making friends too! <3) and see if the brother and I get along in conversation but without pressure and without the entire focus being on "job interview" style date.
what do you think?
Well, getting your friends to make recommendations for you and a bit of match making might not be a bad idea, especially if you ask them to be a bit more proactive with it. In regards to FDS meetups, there have been previous posts about this and the consensus was that it is probably not the best idea for us to ever meet each other due to risk of some scrote posing as a woman, then ousting the rest and potentially putting their lives in danger. There was someone trying to organise, and, after a few women agreed, he was thankfully discovered to be a man. Scary what he might have been planning with this.
I think you've answered your own question here a bit. Instead of aiming to meet men through your hobbies just expand your social life entirely. Older people have sons and nephews. Women have brothers and sometimes decent male friends. Married women with HV husbands probably have other HV men in their social circles.
I almost didn’t believe it really happened! After 3 years of no contact my abusive college boyfriend texted me asking what the name of “that Black House something something store” is. Slightly amusing. But no thanks.
I came across an old thread on a male specific sub about the worst thing they've overheard about themselves. SO MANY grown ass men are holding onto a memory of a high school girl calling him weird/creepy/loser/etc. Like, SUCH a weird thing to hold onto into adulthood, but here they are talking about the b\*\*\*\* from hs who said he was weird. Of course they go on to insist how they were so nice and kind and yet they were treated so bad lol. Honestly, it was so eye opening. These scrotes are so so weak that things that small make them hate women. Meanwhile women only get to that point after they've been abused. And yet they try so hard to front like they're tough. I almost feel sad for them but at this point I'm mostly just laughing.
Humanity is a boner killer
In the past 7 weeks, I've \[19\] moved into an apartment and am also working full-time (40 hours a week). Since I moved into an apartment, despite being prescribed Fluoxetine (Prozac) by my PCP, my libido has increased. Due to living with 5 other roommates, I do not have any privacy. Is it normal to have a high libido at my age? And if so, how do I deal with it?
Once I have a little money to invest what do I do with it?
Depends on your goals. Are you looking for just a higher interest rate on your savings? What sort of liquidity do you expect? Are your goals long term or short term?
Usually, general advise is to open a Roth IRA and put your money into low cost index funds. This is a sort of set-it-and-forget-it long term approach. However, if your goals are more short term there might be a better direction.
Long term. I really have no idea what my options are. Looking for something sure.
[Try starting here.](https://www.choosefi.com/investing-101-how-to-start-investing-the-fi-way/) the group who run this site put a lot of effort into breaking things down and are really enthusiastic about the subject. They have a podcast, blog, and huge community. Although they get pretty excited, over all their information is pretty well rounded.
This is good. Thanks!
The stock market is a little volatile right now, so if you do invest there just be aware of that and don't let it freak out out too much.
Its a moot point right now. Between roof repairs, student loans, ect. I am tapped right now. I have a plan. Working towards it. Hope to have no student loans, no credit card, and no mortgage debt by age 40/42. Then I have to take all that money that was going to debt and save aggressively. I am looking to invest hopefully well so my money can provide for me a good retirement, college for my kid, wedding ect. I want to have a plan by then about how to invest and hopefully invest well. I want to be the best provider I can be.
Feeling very down. Struggling with a physical therapist's office run by a bunch of pickme "boss babe" women who have lied to me and cheated me out of therapy that I paid for. These women are silencing and pushing down other women who work there. They 'permanently closed my case' because I called them out on their bs. I'm so sad by what I'm seeing. :(
Rant. I feel like i'm looking at car crashes and train wrecks when I look at some of my girlfriends. I wonder what it'll be like had they been exposed to FDS but I feel like it's too late.
married to extremely controlling guy. He's someone who insisted to her manager that she is not put on the same shift as male coworkers. Friend and I went to exercise class together but had to switch classes to a class geared towards "female" because he doesn't want male instructors or participants around. She can only go out with female friends. There were multiple times I hung out with her and other friends, she had to ask in advance if our partners are joining us because the husband doesn't want men around.
It was frankly insulting (and I'm not sure if he does it deliberately to turn us against her) - the usual reply is "hell no, even if my boyfriend is around he's not interested in your wife!". Then we chalked it up to him feeling insecure and seeing that other men can treat their partners perfectly normal might make her change her mind.
It's a horrible relationship and multiple girls and I have warned her soooo many times. It's just that she had some abandonment issues as a kid and having a men who was so controlling (even though it meant her having less freedom) felt comfortable. I recommended her to read the book "attached" but I think she didn't read it in the end.
She also wanted to start a family and thinks she can't get a better guy even though she's in her late 20s. She briefly wondered if she should get divorced but she's so jaded and doesn't want to go through dating again. The last I've heard... She's pregnant.
She's one of my best friends around and it's so heartbreaking to see her getting tied down. But if she doesn't want to help herself there's little I can do.
Another good friend of mine. She recently asked me how I knew that I wanted to break up with my ex (I was previously in a LTR) because she was thinking of doing the same.
This guy was initially very sweet but is now bogged down with mental issues. He has broken the law a few times when he is studying to be in a legal position himself. He goes missing for days without contact and goes hot/cold to her. When she shows signs of pulling away - he sends flowers, gifts. When she tries to contact him of her own accord, he goes missing.
She told me she downloaded tinder just to get her mind off things and explore options but deleted it soon after when he contacts her back. Not a great coping mechanism though.
I thought she had made up her mind when she moved back to her parents house but... She moved back to the guy. 💀
I'm quite frustrated too and I also don't want her to end up like friend A.
This girl is so pretty, she's smart (has multiple masters degree), her family background is great. If she were to go into the dating pool now she's definitely a catch, but she's just too attached to this guy.
Hey guys I feel like a reverted back to being a pickmesha. I asked a guy for a title even though he wanted to take it slow and rightfully so, we haven’t seen each other that long he said he wanted to get to know each other more. I wish I didn’t throw my standards out suddenly. Now I don’t know how to bounce back with this dynamic where he knows I was ready. I let myself get overwhelming and demanding of him being bf material and it think this can be too much for men. I’m glad I’m more self aware that I do this now though. Rushing a connection and bf duties. Any advice?