i'm ambivalent to both of my parents, i definitely wouldn't describe us as connected


Have you typed yourself main Enneatype 5?


i did in the past but that was because i was going through a stage of very low health, im actually a 9.


This chart is bogus


Lol I thought the same, but mostly just from a design perspective. It's incredibly difficult for me to parse what it's actually trying to say. Very open to interpretation.


I concur


Explain yourself.


Any type can have childhood trauma


honestly i think e3s would either be super connected to their parents or not at all




I’m a Type 4 & am very close with my parents. So I’d have to disagree with the chart, personally!


I’m a Type 4 and same. I wonder if people’s relationships with their parents as depends on the Enneagram types of their parents?


I’m sure to an extent, and also how healthy of their type they are.


My dad is a 6w5 and my mom is a 8w9. So not sure how it all can play into it!


same here 😀


I think this is right if the terms are corrected as follows: “Connected” = attachment orientation “Separated” = frustration orientation “Ambivalent” = rejection orientation It might sound odd to describe frustration as separated rather than rejection being separated, but the idea is that the rejection notion in enneagram theory is a statement of the type “not caring,” while frustration is a statement of the type feeling the parent isn’t good enough and can only be better if thwarted via critique/judgment.


You have good insight here. As a 5, I think a lot about the rejection orientation, since I see myself on the axis between 5 and 8 often. Rejection oriented people (5, 8, 2) all have totally different reactions to the preoccupation with rejection, and try to get acceptance in different ways. 5s preemptively reject others and use their skills to be accepted, 8s go for people in tough spots who will take anybody over nobody OR poke at people to see who will stick around and can therefore be trusted, and 2s try to be as positive and inviting as possible. Ambivalent best describes type 5 of these three. It could describe 8, but 8s really are not ambivalent in my experience, more polarizing. 2s really are not ambivalent at all, they strive upmost for connection between people. * That's where the choice of the word "ambivalent" falls apart for me, type 2 just isn't that way. This to me is another example of using characteristics to describe Enneagram points rather than motivations, which the rejection orientation/preoccupation better captures. Type 9, 3, and 6 all are "attachment" oriented, but I like to think of it as a role orientation. They all seek a particular role which they play out; 9s want a peaceful, comfortable, egalitarian role with people. 3s want to stand out as the best they can be. 6s really like leader/follower dynamics, and can occupy both of these. * It's less about mere connection and more about function with these types. So they get "attached" to these roles and the people in relation to that role. 7, 1, and 4 are the ones best described in the OP words, "separated" as far as I can tell. They all feel separated from their ideal vision of the world, which varies in scope based on type. I have known 7s, 1s, and 4s which all feel that parental separation, but deal with it in different ways. 7s just pretend it's fine and have fun on their own, 1s try to be the parent's ideal to get attention but may also criticize them back, 4s essentially just want to be validated and heard but didn't get that from their parents (since no one can fully understand someone else). * I don't think "separation" or "frustration" accurately describes these types, I like the word "idealists" to describe them, it explains *why* they are frustrated, it's because they always see how things could be better, that is more ideal.


Thank you for this explanation; spot on.


Separated asf. Dumb chart




type 4, disconnected to both in childhood. started connecting with my mom at age 15-16


Same here. Disconnected from both as a child, but now I'm very close with them.


Type 9, separated from both my parents


This chart isn't true for me


Sx 6w5 and... Sorta. My father was an extremely busy man when I was a kid. I basically would see him at dinner exclusively during the week. He was busy working before, would get back to work right after. Of course, I was impressed and yearned for more. The one moment in the week we'd have time together was between November and January, during hunting season, where I'd tag along on Sundays, although it was more of a social thing for him, as he'd spent all lunch at the adults' table, while I was at the kids' table. I always felt he tolerated me more than liked me being there. I do have particularly fond memories of moments with him around video games though. When I was 6, I got a NES for Saint-Nicolas (Belgian thing, sort of pre-Christmas) and we spent the whole day playing Duck hunt. When I was 12, I got a Sega Saturn for Christmas, and we played Sega Rally all evening. But he was always too distant for us to really connect (he's a Social 8w9 btw) and expected too much of me: I had to be strong, have great grades, handle my own problems because he didn't have the time (I was relentlessly bullied in high school). Now, things are different. I speak English fluently, while he sometimes struggles with it, so I'm his preferred translator. And we love to butt heads over politics at family dinners (he's a fairly conservative man, but in the European sense, whereas I'm very progressive). We usually leave the table disagreeing on most things, but at least we know what the other thinks. So yeah, I was overly long in my reply. Oh well.


Thanks for your contribution! I share the same Enneatype as him :)


What even is this. How do you read this?


Yup, don’t understand either


5 and yes.


Type 9, separated with my dad and connected with my mom


5w4, I was abandoned


Why is this gendered? r/pointlesslygendered


The most answers are written from adult perspective of yours. You need to remember how you felt and thought about your parents when you were child or even were infant. As an 8w9, I felt I had to protect my mother against my father. My mother had mental problems which caused them to clash occasionally. I wasn't looking for ways to confront the father. I was dreaming of a balanced life, where my mother would be treated and the father get rid of his anger issues. My dreams were destroyed.


I'm a 1 and I have no relationship with my father. He hit my mother and my sister and myself in the name of religion. As a husband and a father it was his duty to protect us but he was the one we needed protection from. I was convinced he was gonna kill mom and me before I turned 10 years old. I was so scared I just wanted to grow up and protect my family. Now he's older and his body is failing him. My mom seems to have forgotten it, She's a type 7 but I shall never forgive and forget. The world will be a merrier place when he finally expires. I'm sorry I forgot what my point was lol.


Similar for me but I wanted him out of our lives instead and I did stand up to him (as best I could, without making it worse).


I’m ambivalent. But I was pretty separated when I was younger


Type 9, very connected to both my parents But then though.... I am an only child so would birth order or parents' functioning affect?


I’ve seen this idea before and it really doesn’t resonate with my personal experience. I guess there was a period of time when I was a teenager where I was really pissed at my parents that could be considered “separated” but I think that was more based on the actual circumstances/being a teenager. If I look at the overall relationship, I would say I’ve been pretty connected with both my parents for most of my life. They were generally really good parents and I maintain a healthy relationship with them still, well into adulthood I am absolutely a 7 though, no doubts there. I think some of the childhood trauma that made me a 7 came from my family (a lot of it came from outside though), but it wasn’t a result of being separated from my parents but as a result of well intentioned bad decisions they made, due to being very young when I was born. They had a pattern of depriving me of things I wanted out of fear that those things would be a bad influence or cause me to become unhealthy (food I liked, video games, certain friends, etc) and while they changed their minds and became a lot better about that over time, I had already developed that core of my personality that fears being deprived of things. No separation from my parents required


as a young child, i was connected to both my parents. but now they're both abusive assholes and i hate both of them. even when i was like 8, i remember not loving my parents and feeling evil for it lol. i didn't understand what was wrong with me. i was quite angry at them, especially my mom, but confused and pushed it away.


this is simplistic and based on an unecessarily gendered idea of what parents are supposed to do that imho distracts from the fundamental essence of what is being described. It's less to do with your parents' effin genders than with the two types of relating to the outside world. What in analysis might be called the Oral vs Anal object relation - we needn't buy the flowery origin story with the potty training from Freud's overactive imagination to appreciate the basic insight that how you are disciplined influences your later functioning in the world. One is functioning, mastering, acquiring... and so on. The other is pleasure, comfort, validation... etc. & it's really more about what are your relationships to those things. Obviously the way your caretakers (classical heterosexual parents or otherwise) provide or allow this (or don't) is going to shape your future expectations, but so does the constitutional strength of those needs and probably basic expectations/attitudes implied by how your attention is filtered. I'll have to make a big writeup on this one of these days...


I’d be interested in reading a write up, if you ever decide to write it! This is a much more interesting and nuanced way of addressing the topic. I’d also argue that even if we remove the unnecessary gendering, splitting into two parents with two different styles is also thinking of things on way too much of a binary. People are complex, and often don’t fit cleanly into either of those two functioning styles. Additionally, we shouldn’t assume that “one parent with the functioning/mastering style, one parent with the comfort and validation style” is the default for everybody. First off, many families have only one parental figure. Some families have more than 2 parental figures. And even in some “traditional” families, both parents can adopt the same style, or have some values of a mix of both, or anywhere in between. Or they could both be neglectful a-holes and it’s hard to say they have the values of either when it comes to raising their kids. Also, how do sibling dynamics play into things? Family dynamics are more than just parents with kids. Interactions between siblings, and a sibling witnessing the interaction between their parents and another sibling also affects things. Are older siblings effectively another parent by looking at this theory? In cases where the older sibling is parentified, yes, but even in healthier family dynamics where the older kid is more of the role model. As an aside, processing my own background with this information and the chart, my glib “sure, if you say that my mom was also a dad” remark is actually fairly accurate with this discussion, because both of my parents were very much focused on the functioning, mastering, acquiring side. It still doesn’t explain my 9 brother, who is younger, but he also had the background of growing up witnessing me constantly butting heads with our parents, so that translating to “better to not fight and not try, I will be happier if things are peaceful” makes some amount of sense. Anyway my thoughts. Thank you for this comment; it puts an interesting spin on something that initially sent up my “UGH gender norms SUUUUCK” alarm bells.


That's *precisely* it - There are siblings, grandparents, carers, single parents, gay couples (the nuclear family is a fairly new development historically, after all. There would usually have been extended family in the past) also, there isn't a strict division - ideally, both parents would offer comfort & help with doing/accomplishing things. Maybe they did one thing better than the other. In a lot of sources they use different terms to give basic lipservice to inclusivity but the in the text proper it's basically used synonymous to the nuclear family setting. And this isn't about wanting everything "politically correct" but understanding what things actually are. For example, the term 'Protective Figure' is misleading in that not so much about protection but about *doing/accomplishing stuff.* (the end product of raising a child is for that child to eventually become independent, after all) Where your caretakers can help/guide you but also mess up by either overcontrolling or overdisciplining you. There's also the additional dimension that babies need to be comforted & responded to from the first, but doing stuff on your own starts somewhat later. So it makes more sense to speak of it as two different functions or types of relating, or, in the context of development & forming an identity, two separate processes, than anything associated with a specific parent based on their gender of all things. Certainly in a culture where usually the father does the disciplining he will usually be to blame for discipline-related trauma, but only if that individual family's constellation lines up that way.


This chart is bullshit because it is peak cishet “nuclear family” nonsense. When you can throw a massive wrench in the concept by “you know, so-called ‘non-traditional’ families exist,” you need to get a better concept. To make it work for me specifically, you have to really stretch, and take the fact that my mom was basically “not like other girls” personified and tried her damndest to raise me the same way (congrats, mom, I’m butch AF, but you failed at raising a girl who wasn’t “over-emotional”) and say that I effectively had two dads. If you interpret “separated” as me desperately trying to get approval only to be met with constant goalpost moving or discounting of my attempts because I didn’t do it the right way from both of them, then SURE. I guess. And it still falls apart when looking at my 9 brother, because I would not describe his relationship with either of them as “connected.” He didn’t struggle as much as I did because he was always able to compartmentalize their bullshit better, and also being introverted and AMAB, he didn’t have to struggle as much against the “over emotional” accusation. And it’s still cishet nuclear family bullshit. (Edit to correct a spelling error)


To a certain extent, yes. I love my parents to death, but we clash at times.


rejected the authority of my father. close with my mother. we quarrel. it’s a feature of our relationship. she‘s overbearing and i’m rambunctious. it is what it is.


connected to my mom (6w7) ever since childhood, i was basically attached to her hip as a kid. but my relationship with my dad (8w7) has never been as strong, and i would say that right now it’s not so great. probably separated


I wish it were this simple!


It doesn't work for me. I felt and still feel the most connected to my father/ the protector figure in the house. Any ambivalence I felt was directed towards my mother.


Six, and I disagree. My relationship with my parents was very unsafe and based on wanting to be connected but constantly being rejected and ostracized from the family. I had to bag for love, and sometimes I would receive it reluctantly, and then I would be kicked out of the tribe again.


idk man, its hard to read


Where is this from?


i love my parents deeply. visit em every week. i think most grown children have ambivalent feelings toward their folks since nobody gets raised in a kind of flawless norman rockwell way but overall i would describe our relationship as connected. this chart is too general/broad.


Where did you find this?


My initial gut reaction was "CONNECTED? WHAT? NO?!" Then I noticed the gender symbols and thought more about the golden girl treatment I got and I was like hmmm... maayyybee. And then I saw my half sister 3 who lived with her mum, my ex 8 who's mum travelled and worked a lot, and my 1 ex friend and ummm... yeah this thing has legs.


4w5, I don’t think it’s accurate for me. My mom and I are pretty close, and she had me alone through IVF, so no other parent to judge a connection to


I'm 5. Completely separated, I will not even call them, when I'll move out. Going to change my phone number because of this situation. They always poisoned my life.


I'm ESTJ 1w2, more connected to my mother. Never really understood my father. What witchcrafty-voodoo is this? 🤔


And my sister is a ISFJ 9w1 and connects to both. WTHELL? 😱😱😱😱😱


I'm a 9, connected with my dad and very much not connected with my mum.


All those dumbasses who say the post is bullshit , should go and learn the definitions of those terms and learn about enneagram system . Its based on concept of attachments styles with triad


im separated with one connected with other so half true maybe?


2 and connected to both


Not true. I am connected to my mother but had a toxic connection with my father, not both of them.


Accurate for me


My parents were abusive, so not a good relationship


4w5. Connected to mom in childhood. Ambivalent in teens and early adulthood. And now connected to dad. So I don’t know if that makes me all 3? lol


only connected with my mom - I can’t remember one second of my life where I felt connected with my dad. I have wanted to get rid of him since I was maybe 3 Even more connected than I felt witch my mom I felt with my grandmother since my mom was working full-time when I was little and I’ve spent the most time at my grandmas house


How can this chart be true, if the enneagram is about individuals who have issues in their developmental years and thus develop core fixations? What do you mean by “connected”?


I think they reffer to the maternal and paternal figures in early childhood. Seperated would imply near zero connection or attention Ambivilant would reffer to a tension between them or more neutral back and forth relationship Connected refers to a postive relationship or dynamic. At least this is what I think it means.


If it’s a positive dynamic or relationship … then it implies that the healthiest enneagram out there is 9, and maybe even that if everyone had a good relationship with their parents, we’d all turn out as 9s?


That would be a bad world to live in as nothing would get done in the long run, as eveyone would be cautious and walking on eggshells to hide themselves in public so not to disturb others, out of fear of being harmed for their unique and exploritive side. I think its more of attachment based, not postive or negative based. Connected doesnt mean happy or good.


Your previous comment literally says “positive relationship or dynamic”…? And now you’re saying it’s not positive or negative, and that it doesn’t mean it’s happy or good? So what does a positive relationship or dynamic mean?


I suppose poor word choice or attention on my end. When i say postive I mean they have a large impact and input on the life. Some Examples of connected Parents that control or force their child to live a life that the parents choos, having low autonomy for the child. Another example can be a child that is overly attached to their parents for guildance on situations. Another example is the parent having the child have a double standard life were they do alot of things in private but are more closed off in public regardless there are many different ways, but perosnaly I dont see this graph as fully accurate, but I can see the idea they were trying for.




Based on this 7 would hold true 2 would hold true And 8 is plausable depending on how strong the terms are. Also 4 depending on what we define each one. . I am a type 8w9 but know that connected was not soemthing I felt to either.


Not really accurate for me. I was ambivalent towards both my parents. They were just there, sharing a house with me, taking care of the chores so I didn't have to, not really connected but not really separate either. But if I have to say, I was closer to my dad since we have a lot in common


on surface 2 and 3 seem like they should be swapped


Mm very much so


Type 9, very close to my father and my mom is dead to me.


as a type 2, i always felt rejected by my dad since he values intelligence, so my w3 just grew stronger and stronger because i wanted to achieve high grades to feel accepted. but he noticed that, so hes trying his best not to put too much pressure on me. but if you dont know i have adhd, so without him controlling what im doing in school and what i should do, i got completely lost with my responsabilities. right now im already getting better, and along with treating my adhd, im trying to use my w3 healthily so i can achieve my goals too. me and my dad are pretty close now, fortunately!


I'm not even sure what the chart is supposed to say, whether it's your relationship with your parents, or your parents' relationships with each other. Either way, it doesn't fit. I'm most likely SX 6 (though I identify with those SX 6s that all mistype as 8s), and I wouldn't say connected speaks to anything. My relationship towards my parents is ambivalent. Their relationship with each other as separated but mostly friendly is also ambivalent. Also, anything to do with 6 makes more sense if it's ambivalent.


I’m a 6w7 and the ambiguity between connected and separated is kind of spot on.


6s are pretty ambivalent my guy


It is accurate for me. 2.


Very separated. Yep


I'm a 2 and ambivalent fits me. The chart just seems to be a less accurate rewording of the rejection/attachment/frustration triads though.


What is the purpose of the male and female signs? Like… I only have a mother orrrrr…?


Where is this from?


Oh snap, this chart knows too much about me now.


It makes no sense. How can every single person with a type be separated from their parents? Type doesn’t define your relationship with the world around you. At best your type can predict certain things but not for everyone.


This post refers to maternal and paternal figures - doesn't have to be biological parents. It resembles how we FELT about them in the past. Most people replied to this post with present tense. Also, thank you for your open objection.


You still can’t absolutely relate parental roles to types. There may be tendencies but in general this is a very loose theory.


3w2. Connected to my mother and no contact to my father. However my connection to my mother gets less and less.


9s- def not connected :/(


I’ll have you know that I have a great relationship with my dog and that this chart is utter baloney.


I never met my dad bc he didn’t want to be in my life as payback for my mom asking for child support/never had a stepdad or any father figure. My grandparents helped raise me. Then I’m super enmeshed/dependent on my mom, although we’ve fought a lot over the years and it’s not a super healthy relationship, either, but we’re all each other has. I don’t feel abandoned by my father at all bc he was never in my life to begin with. But I’ve always known and confirmed by my mom that I’m just like him. I think I was better off without him in my life though - he would’ve messed me up being in my life. He ultimately killed himself in 2020 and it was in a way validating bc Ive also always been suicidal and I knew he had deep personal issues. Then my mom has hurt me a lot by being very critical of me my entire life, but honestly peers have hurt me more than caregivers ever could haha. Also I just overall feel disconnected from everyone I’m related to. Like even though my mom loves me, it’s not me as an individual she loves, but rather her daughter and offspring..if I wasn’t her daughter, she wouldn’t love me; she’d judge me negatively like everybody else (and she routinely does, anyways)..so I can’t help but be hyperaware of how inauthentic parental love is when it’s based on blood. And blood doesn’t mean or guarantee anything except sharing some of the same genetic codes. I so wish I had a resource of unconditional love and they say that’s what parents/family are supposed to provide, but it’s not usually the case. eta details bc it’s not so cut and dry


5 is true, I often don't know how I feel about things.


I don't want silent opposition. I want reasons and answers.


I dont agree and I think this theory is too black and white


I’m a 4 and agree wholeheartedly


I would consider myself separated from my mom. I'm still in contact with her simply because it benefits me, but emotionally I'm no longer connected. However I still have a nice relationship with my dad, so I would say this is kind of accurate.


i’m a 9 raised by an unhealthy 8 and unhealthy 2 so we definitely don’t get along


Lol not accurate. 8 both my parents sucked, hate them both. I call my birth giver “La Diabla”


I think I'm connected to both my parents, but I'm more similar to my dad. I tend to keep to myself a lot. I'm a 4 but maybe a 6?


Accurate for me


5, ablivalent idk what that means


9w1 Connected to my mom Separated from my dad So kinda correct if we’re including wings?


i do not lol


What is this chart even saying? That only 9s, 3s, and 6s can have connected (read: healthy???) relationships with their parents???? This seems super counterintuitive to the point of the enneagram, which is for people to undergo personal development and find strategies to relate to those around them. Anyone can have poor relationships with their parents. My relationship with my mother isn’t shitty *because* I’m an 8. Correlation doesn’t imply causation


I am going to need some explanation on this chart. What do the gender symbols indicate and what do the words mean?


I'm definitely emotionally separated from both my parents. I'm close to them as in we talk and laugh every day, but emotionally, we couldn't be further apart.


3 and ambivalent to both parents


I'm a 5w6, had a very (physical and mentally) abusive mom and a ignorant dad who just rejected both of us. So I was pretty separated from both.


Both my parents were useless. My siblings and I basically raised ourselves. I felt the most frustration towards my mother. She fought for full custody only to neglect us all the time. I gave my dad a pass most of my life because he was schizophrenic. In my mind he couldn’t take care of himself let alone kids. And he must’ve cared in his way because whenever we’d visit he’d be intentional in spending time with us and making our visits enjoyable. But as an adult I can now see how they both failed us.


I have no idea what this chart is trying to say


I'm a 7w8. My mom is a 3(idk if w4 or w2) with colossal Fe and my dad is 8w7 with vast power hunger. My mom cares way too much about appearing rich, sophisticated etc. to other people, and my dad cares way too much about having the power in our family. I, an ENFP, disagree with them on every single point, most often the disagreements being with my IxFJ mom as we don't share any cognitive functions. My dad, an ExFP, shares a similar personality with me, but gets triggered if I don't act like he's my master.


what's ambivalent in this context?


I think there’s something to it. I was the only child for the first 3 years, so I got a lot of attention, and they did try hard to make things good. Seemed like more and more things went wrong over time.


I think this is another example of folks taking the enneagram much, much further than it was ever intended to be taken.


Type 4, chart is correct for me


I’d say I’m still good with ma and dad.


5 and yeah, ambivalent is right


Riso specifically talks about how parental relationships tend to be for each type in The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and this isn't it.


4, ya:/ still even


A clock can be right ..


An 8 with a 1 wing makes sense for me! If I'm interpreting this correctly?


I'm a 1 and very close to my parents lol


9w8 and yeah


I’m a 7. I would consider myself connected to my mom and ambivalent to my dad.


What is this even based off of? And what does the gender of the parent have to do with anything?


Accurate for me!!


I'm a 2 and my father was dead before I was born so idk if this chart makes much sense but Idk


For me, it's false. My dad is one of the most loving and demonstrative people I've ever known. You could call my mother ambivalent, but skews loving... in her own way.


Hard no on that one.


6w5. Let’s see. One parent has been basically absent my entire life. The extent of our relationship are the following texts: Happy birthday”, “Merry Christmas”, and “Thanks”. The other would regularly attack both verbally and physically and then act like it never happened and that they are the victim. Unfortunately, I still have contact due to a shared interest that I’m not willing to give up because of them. I just try to interact as little as possible. Not really sure that qualifies as “connected”.


7w8 (ENTP if u even care about those too). I really don’t do well when it comes to commitment I’ve noticed. Always occupied trying to do the most enjoyable thing and couldn’t really be locked down. Even when I love them with all my heart I don’t want to hangout for a long time because I have so much more stuff I want to do.


Ur gonna have 2 xplain this 1


This chart is, frankly, ridiculous. It's not just "this type of relationship equals this type" it's so much more complex than that. I'm a 4 (heavy 5 wing), and I guess "ambivalence" could describe my attitude towards my parents? But my feelings, like I already said, are much more complex than that. Anyways, it's not that straightforward. But thank you for sharing your thoughts and contributing to discussion regardless.


It's very turbulent between my dad and I so I would disagree, I think I'm much more connected to my mom though.


7w8, seems true


Type 5 here and close to my parents


4w5, yep, emotionally disconnected from both parents. This caused codependency in me, which is crazy because the traits of codependence align so much with the 2 that 4 goes to in stress. I’m also pretty positive my mom is a 6 and she’s very connected to her dad. Even before her mom passed, I think she had the stronger relationship with her father. She said her mom was always depressed and chain smoking while staring out the window. I’d be curious to see how my aunts and uncles typed.


I guess this chart isn't for ppl with gay parents 🙄