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EmergencyLavishness1

Tell everyone to chill the fuck out


ChangelingFox

For real. I'd be like *can all yall fuckers stop killing, raping and oppressing each other? Fucking please?*


Diamondhands_Rex

What’s cool is that you don’t need to say please anymore. Because they need to *or else*


aggrivating_order

Stop killing and oppressing people or I'll kill and oppress you


Diamondhands_Rex

*or else* Pillow fought to death or something probably not even as bad idk I’m not an emperor, I’m kronk if anything


BapedyBoopBeep

Put metal beads in the pillows and it's still threatening


zorton213

I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!


[deleted]

[удалено]


odigon

yikes, better be careful about boarding a plane or going in for surgery.


gallaj0

So hear me out on this: We add a day to each week, called Slackday. Nobody works except for truly essential people like cops, fire, hospitals. That's it. Nothing's open. No grocery, no movies, no widget factories. No gas stations, no convenience stores. No live sports. No churches. No flights anywhere. Go visit family if you want. Stay home and fire up some weed, get blackout drunk, air around and read all day


Morphized

Reddit reinvents Sabbath


fizzy000

This comment deserves an award


Sir_Snowman

No way, I was thinking that verbatum while clicking the title and finished my sentence reading this. Matrix twins


gotobedyoungdreamer

If you sent everyone a gram in the mail from our overlord, and attached with that had them open it as you made this announcement, the world wouldbe a much better place


uncalledforgiraffe

Directions unclear. Sent a gram of cocaine and now everyone is way more aggressive.


WyrmOfSanguinius

“They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them and in the furnace of war forge them. They will be of iron will and steely muscle. In great armour shall I clad them and with the mightiest guns will they be armed. They will be untouched by plague or disease, no sickness will blight them. They will have tactics, strategies and machines such that no foe can best them in battle. They are my bulwark against the Terror. They are the Defenders of Humanity. They are my Space Marines and they shall know no fear.” Time to Unite Terra


Purplewizzlefrisby

Ooh it's heresy time.


NightlySnow

I searched for copper and found gold. The emperor protects.


GingerRocker

But first you must change your name to Jimmy Space.


Qarnabite

I just realized if I had this power most people wouldn’t remember me as nice person


Dystopian_Divisions

first act - no matter what i do you must remember me as a nice person. ftfy :)


DavefromtheD80

Kim Jong Un style


Aban_Nedone

You mean "Un dinasty" style?


ZombieJesus1987

Kim Dynasty. Kim is the family name. Jong-Un is his given name.


Aban_Nedone

I forget that


jordantask

“The beatings will continue until everyone recognizes my generosity and kindness!”


Gongaloon

You'd need some propaganda folks for sure.


Weird-Thread

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.


RiledAstaldo

There’s also no way to make any sort of positive changes without hundreds of millions of people **hating** you. Even if you were the most benevolent, considerate, ethical, loving, uncorrupted ruler ever. Hell, good odds you have several billion people who hate you just because you’re the emperor of the world, no other information and no awful story to how it happened or anything.


Says_Pointless_Stuff

I'll be real, I'd have reforms that se might consider extreme. Executing wall-street executives for reckless endangerment of lives through wealth-hoarding might not go over so well with some.


JoshSidekick

I probably shouldn't confess that my governing style would be taken from Death Note.


Bean-Swellington

Put somebody else in charge and take a week off


ThatTempuraBand

In Australia we call that “The Scott Morrison Approach.”


[deleted]

not without a trip to Hawaii while the country is burning!


Eoganachta

Literally burning.


flaagan

The ScoMo NoShow.


mjgoldberg

In America we call that "The Ted Cruz Approach"


Teledildonic

Gotta shit your pants for a full Scotty.


scottyfnknows

Can confirm


qsdf321

Poor Ned Stark.


justadoodydude

more like a year… or two while im at it. eh this place is nice ima make it 5 years. bros been doing it for 5 years, why not 10?. he seems to be enjoying himself i might just cut all ties with him and stay here


frtzddl

Hire Morgan Freeman to narate everything for me


OverlordAinz

Hey you're doing a good job already, I read that in Morgan Freeman's voice


maddoglukas

This is the right answer


dude3966

And Charles Dance to announce all decrees.


C0ldKing

Build a huge mansion on a private island. Then I would get to the boring stuff like world peace


sparklingshanaya

Personal peace is very important to take wise decisions


C0ldKing

I mean, give me a gin and tonic while I'm sunbathing besides my heated swimming pool and I'll tell you what peace looks like 🤣


Mediumaverageness

>give me a gin and tonic An emperor of culture, I see


EmperorG

Ah the Tiberius strategy of just living on a private island. Only downside is that everyone will think up wild rumours of what you're doing there.


interesseret

Oh no! Anyway


HBrianGriffin

Execute order 66 of course


BubbhaJebus

Reorganize the Republic into the First Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.


HBrianGriffin

ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RULE THE GALAXY..and we shall have peace..


deidarasclay

And we shall have........... peeace


atlantisse

#**Thunderous Applause**


Ninjahkin

Then proceed to lightning-hands all the naysayers


THX450

But then lightning-hand yourself. Three times. That we know of.


luckyflipflops

Play the worlds largest game of Simon Says.


Childconsumptionman

Losers get dragged to hell but if you win you get a medal


Mein_SQL

A medal? Count me in!


nano_wulfen

Hold up, don't just agree to a medal. Ask some questions first: Is it metal or plastic? What is the ribbon like? How big is it? etc.


DrApprochMeNot

What it’s made of is immaterial, all that matters is that it’s getting punched into your chest without the pin keepers on because tradition.


Childconsumptionman

A plastic medal with "👍" on it


rtothewin

Probably build an army of genetically enhanced super humans and start a galactic war. Maybe turn the alps into a palace.


Whide

Pyramids, thats definitely top prio for every great ruler


kapitaalH

Pyramid schemes or pyramid to keep your dead body? Eh probably both


Kjm520

Bro. Think of the pyramid we could build today. You know how we can look back and wonder how the pyramids were built with the tech and power available then? What could we build today that would baffle future observers?


TomMakesPodcasts

Parade all the dictators of the world naked up and down main streets across the globe. Obviously I'd lead this parade because not even I am above my own law.


stretcharach

Yeah but I'd do it with a smile and would get to go back to work after. Then again, with almost no power currently, I like to think I would do good


ddejong42

An even better reason to lead it: Everyone is behind you so you don't have to look at them!


Shas_Erra

Make a pact with the gods of chaos and use their power to forge twenty genetically engineered super-warriors. Then maybe get a haircut.


roedtogsvart

don't forget to finish that woodworking project (the chair) you have in the garage


nano_wulfen

Sorry the warp is now open and we have to fight the hordes of Chaos, not time to finish the chair. And at some point the Tau are going to appear so we will have to deal with that shit too.


MightyDuckitron

And so begins the mpst dysfunctional family in creation....... and a civil war in a few hundred years..


Tooth31

After they all get kidnapped, and then you find them all again, try to keep in touch. Share your hobbies with them. It will establish a good relationship with them. Also consider family therapy sessions.


Shas_Erra

> Share your hobbies with them *awkward Magnus noises*


CryptographerMore944

Ha, was waiting for this reference


Automatic-Choice-794

Get google to teach the maps lady how to pronounce Welsh locations.


MortisSafetyTortoise

I did the Australian accent on my GPS and hearing her pronounce the names of places where I live that are Indigenous American in origin, is.... interesting.


InitiativeExcellent

Swiss here. Pretty funny how it always messes up the German names of places, not even talking about places that get pronounced the Swiss way as hard as it can get. And sometimes it mixes in an English accent / pronunciation as soon as a word is remotely close to English In the End... it fails like half the time if not more


Pobo13

I cannot fathom how bad it gets y'all's names wrong. I'm in the Midwest and the fucking thing mispronounces every other syllable I stg


Xaphus

My issue is on highway 10 in the Midwest the gos tells me 20 times in 5 miles of highway, that I’m on a new stretch of the road. Lots of other highways merge onto it, so it thinks I’ve magically entered a new road.


Override9636

Ah yes, my favorite, "In 2 miles, continue going straight" YEAH BUDDY THAT'S THE PLAN


Hell-Fire2411

*Any location


Incorect_Speling

Do Icelandic next!


Hiding_behind_you

You haf arrived at F’turglikglingjkvik.


madgietoyousir

I love that there are only 3 million of us and this still ended up being the top comment. You're right though.


LongjumpingAd5037

declare that piracy and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) is now fully legal


kai077

If you were the emperor I would be loyal to you for the rest of my life.


Guill0rtiz

Well… he’s the emperor of the world, so you better!


Zurix

Absolutely agree, and would add one thing. Any company who decides that they will no longer support the online community by shutting down its official servers are required to release the server code to the community to allow private hosting, as well release a final update to remove online authentication to even be able to start the game.


DukeofKitties

I would be so happy if they did that- imagine how many classic games you could play multiplayer!


XOlenna

Ch-champions of Norrath?? Is that you? After so long ;_;


BigBoiNoa

All hail LongjumpingAd5037


theforlornknight

My lord, may I suggest an amendment to your most glorious declaration? >declare that ~~piracy~~ *replication, distribution, archival, modification, exhibition*, and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) *in it's original form (so remasters like Kingdoms of Amalure Re-Reckoning is excluded but originals like Reckoning is fair game) on hardware that is currently sold and manufactured* is now fully legal, *so long as it is not done so for profit.*


LongjumpingAd5037

I’ll allow it


mcjc94

Reminder that following Longjumping's empire is moral and fair


Blahdeblahhhh

EVERY ITEM OF CLOTHING MUST HAVE AT LEAST TWO POCKETS! (I'm emperor of the world, I shout if I want)


Eternal_Bagel

Two pockets on each sock will be weird


DullZooKeeper

Does the space for your foot count as a pocket?


Eternal_Bagel

Im willing to concede the foot pocket counts for one of them


MCMeowMixer

The smaller sock pocket could be used for emergency pocket sand


Chazzbo

Or a spare pair of socks


SomeDudeOnDeInternet

Which in turn, have a pocket that also contains a spare pair of socks, which also has a pocket with spare socks, and so on and so forth.


Koshindan

If your socks has articulated toes, then you have six pockets all together.


Tydrinator21

Never know when you gotta shank a motherfucker.


whywasthatagoodidea

Thong pockets will be fun.


Psybunny

Sockpockets.


Imnewtoredditsad

Sockets?


Hooting_Owl

This is the girl atthem. Lol


-_HOT_SNOW_-

I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY


Clementine_Astra

MICHAEL!!


Is_It_Time_To_Shout

One of you fuckers is getting thrown in a volcano for the Gods.... like almost immediately


DeltaHuluBWK

If things don't improve, chuck another one in.


dooddgugg

rearrange the calendar so September, October, November and December are the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months


BubbhaJebus

Make March the first month like it was a long long time ago.


dooddgugg

i was thinking of removing july and august again, because fuck roman emperors


parmesanandhoney

Every video file must include subtitles.


DuncanIdahoTaterTots

1. Immediate cease fire in all military engagements. Any invading army gets returned to their homeland (lookin’ at you, there Vlad). Administrative borders will be discussed and determined in the coming weeks and months. 2. Immediate deployment of food, medicine, clean water, and supplies to areas most in need. 3. Meet with incumbent world leaders about delegation of responsibilities - I’m not about to micromanage the running of a planet. 4. Find out if Pappy Van Winkle is really as good as they say it is.


CaptainNemo42

I like everything about this one. Perhaps add something to address climate change, and quintuple educational and medical funding, and it'd be fairly perfect


SuvenPan

Order to include real pockets in women's clothing


RegularPotato23

I'll be the most loyal subject if you do that, to be honest


[deleted]

This. I buy them for the high waist (personal preference) but have to live with small or no pockets. Why one or the other???


Icy_Obsession

Change everyone's name to some fruit's name.


[deleted]

So we'll be like reverse Saiyans?


-Darth-Syphilis-

Freeza's henchmen were all named after fruits (except for the Ginyu Force, they were named after dairy products.).


MatureBalak

name me Pawpaw


Icy_Obsession

Sure.


kulingames

can i be Tomato?


Icy_Obsession

OK.


ShakeInBake

Like twin brothers named Tangerine and Lemon?


Knightofthevegtable

Banish the Kardashians from society.


SaltyMcLovin

I just want £1 off everyone. Then I resign and dissolve the position so no1 else has that power. Then I retire.


Justus_Maxus

Changing the national anthem to “Never gonna give you up”


TheRetrolizer

National anthem? No, Planetary Anthem.


Chirimorin

Make "don't be a dick" an enforcable law.


StartledPossum

That can get very subjective very fast.


Chirimorin

If everyone has to obey me, my definition of being a dick will be the only one that matters.


BackIn2019

You won't have enough time to judge all the dickishness of people. You'll delegate and there will be corruption and they'll hide it from you.


Jack_In_Black89

Hire personal bodyguards and top class security (I know someone out there will want me assassinated).


Anon9295

Make a rule where no one can kill you then.


gunr1006

Making nudity legal and improving public transport


Mor_Hjordis

So nudity improves public transport? Rename it to pubic transport would be the first step.


goran1031

What about making nudity mandatory on public transport only?


TheConboy22

Please put your clothes in the sack.


boluserectus

Sounds like you just need to move to the Netherlands..


Cleverbird

What? You cant just walk around naked here. While its true we have no law against it, a judge can still determine whether its "okay" or not, depending on the location.


Talking_Burger

Also depending on how hot you are.


Cleverbird

I dont think that really has an impact on anything. A good looking guy swinging his trunk around in a city center is in just as much trouble as an obese guy. No judge would go "Its okay, his dick was nice looking so he gets a pass."


Gongaloon

Or Finland.


Heart_Error

The best combo


[deleted]

But hopefully not both together? Sweaty naked butt prints on the bus doesn’t sound like a good time lol


Silent_Comedian

I put myself on every Turned on TV screen on the world. “This is an important news bulletin from the emperor.” I’m staring at the camera as the cha cha slide starts to play. I raise a microphone to my mouth and say “slide to the left”. This is would happen at least once a day.


29minutebreak

Retired and old people are not allowed to drive when people are going and leaving work.


tuskawilla

How about just requiring a drivers test every 10 years to ensure you can still handle it? I know my grandma had no business driving after 80 but she drove till 99....


Betteronatuesday

I’d fully support this but only if you also provide safe, effective, efficient public transportation that gets them where they need to go. Otherwise I’m joining the revolution.


LaborumVult

This could only ever happen if we had a supreme ruler. No way taxes would pay for public transport for rural areas.


commando_cookie0

My great grandfather is 90 and he drives fine. Tbf he goes from home to church/work in a small rural town. IMO, After a certain age they should be tested yearly, and should be allowed to drive as long as they want/can pass some sort of exam.


AsterianosD

I would force myself to get fit and change all of my bad habits


SeanBourne

You don’t need to be emperor of the world to do either of those things.


AsterianosD

No but if everyone has to obey, I will start with myself


-Kakashii

Stop Russia and Ukraine war. Then make everyone suck my d...


HeavyCoatGames

Is gonna get weathered pretty soon...


Under_a_rock84

Even your family members? 🤔lol


spaceduckcoast2coast

Especially their family members


tofarr

In order of priority / pettyness: 1. Fix the damn calendar. There is no reason why we should have months with different lengths to go or long dead Roman Emperors. There will now be 13 months of 28 days, with a free day on new years to recover from hangovers. All months will start on the same day of the week. Also, move them around so the months named 7, 8, 9, 10 are actually in position 7, 8, 9 10 instead of 9, 10, 11, 12. 2. Fix the electrical charge mistake Ben Franklin made. (Positive will now mean that extra electrons have been gained. Electrons will be considered to have a positive charge, and protons will be considered to have a negative charge) 3. Make the US use the metric system. No more remembering there are 7 of these things in that, or 12 of those in this - everything is a multiple of 10, so to convert you just move the decimal point. It is time to move out of the dark ages people!


kapitaalH

I cannot figure out if your list is in increasing priority or decreasing. New rule. Lists musts be ordered, and the order must be specified.


ivovis

That sounds like a list - you should have ordered it.


One_Kaleidoscope_271

A man of culture


QuintillionBeetles

Make the planet goodeder


MatureBalak

make sanitary pads free everywhere


[deleted]

But that’s a nice thing. You can’t do nice things with unlimited power you crazy you.


dmizzl

Make it illegal for restaurants and grocery stores to throw out food unless it is truly unsafe to eat and instead donate it to homeless shelters


saoirse_eli

You could also solve homelessness to begin with …


saucyboi9000

While they're working on solving homelessness, impose the food law.


SurelyNotLolicon

"So guys, basically, things are gonna be fucked up for a bit. Let's start with saving this planet, no matter the sacrifices, ok?"


NavonShorts

Nah its my planet now we going full on science mode


Pineapple_Spenstar

If I learned anything from Civ VI, it's that 100% coal power is the fastest way to science win


Nomulite

"Who gives a shit if Portugal's underwater and half my empire's covered in hurricanes, the exoplanet expedition just finished so I won"


shesshellsbells

Send everyone to therapy


42___

#i want everyone to clean their fucking towns and cities right now!!!! And clean the gahtdamn water, please?


member92782

All drugs are now legal, if you wanna kill yourself be my guest


arisussan

Sign the legal documents with glow-in-the-dark rainbow glitter gel pens.


h0riz0nl0ve

i'll hire some neuroscientists, create a 10 year plan , putting all the money into rnd and science papers into neuroscience. and then i'll incorporate that into the law. for example , scientists say that human's brain can't focus on more that 90 minutes on any thing. i'll eradicate 2 hour lectures from schools and colleges and even ted talks. ​ edit : also , all the rnd money dedicated for developing Hella powerful Super-Quantumn computers that can predict whether and even stock markets.


Angel_OfSolitude

"Everyone stop being cunts"


broadconsciousness

Send all nukes to space, to be destroyed in the sun or something alike. Halt all weapons production and gradually disarm armies to the bare minimum to fight drug cartels and terrorists. Reassign all those resources to mental and regular health, education and pensions. Impose better working conditions on jobs that require it.


CaterWak

My lord, just order all drug cartels and terrorists to just stop.


No_Bartofar

All pedos must go.


Hedgehog_Wranglers

Go where? To the elementary school down the street?


SpeakerImaginary9796

Squid games


CloudyStrokes

Bye bye imperial system of measurement, it was never a pleasure…


Nikopavvi8

I order every train in the world to be on time. I want to get to work in time, ok? Even If I would be the Emperor of the world I would still take the train to work, but I want it to be on time.


Thunderhorse2

A world wide herogasm


KingAzul

Gather all your animal abusers and put them in this pit. I'll take care of the rest


Bobcat_Strong

getting some bitches


Uber_Crocodile

Kill half the population.


skittlesmcgee33

Two chicks at the same time


LifeOfHarsh

Metric units everywhere, amen.


Inside-Big-8158

Ban misinformation on the internet. The first time you get a warning, the second time you’re forced to undergo 8 years of rigorous studying to become an expert on the field. Ban 24 hour news cycles