By - Saibotnl1
“I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.”
My parents definitely do. Because they don’t want to acknowledge that I cut them out of my life.
I’ve found my people.
I’ll gladly be your people!
Someone blocked me on Instagram because I used that on them 🤣😂
If they do that, you have basically won
you aren't the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don't die
Pls don't die
Feels like it’s too easy for them to say “yeah, I sure hope you don’t”
One I use in retail occasionally...
I can explain this to you but I can't understand it for you.
That's pretty savage.
Try working retail. Especially as a manager. People choose not to understand things when they don't suit them.
As a fellow retail manager, I feel that in my bones.
I manage a large gun store, so I deal with a lot of idiots (frightening, I know).
There are times when people try to argue with me about things that involve federal law, and get mad at me when I won’t commit willful violations of said federal law that could cost the store its license to lawfully do business.
I usually will end things with, “I’m sorry you feel that way, because it means that we can no longer do business. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for elsewhere.”
My favorite part about working in a gun store was to entirely legally be able to tell assholes to fuck off. The worst part was dealing with all the assholes in the first place.
Also, working in a gun store convinced me that we need stronger gun control laws. If I had a dollar for every fuckstick that flagged me/literally everything in the goddamn store, I’d be able to afford to retire.
My “favorite” customer was the one who asked “what caliber do you recommend for shooting n——- (with the *hard ‘R’),” and then acting butthurt when I told him that he wasn’t buying a gun that day, or ever, from our establishment.
I had a guy come in once, probably late 70s, that was looking for a gun to buy his late-30s looking daughter for home defense.
I recommended a handgun or two, which he rejected, and then a Ruger PC-9. Dude went on some tangent about how the PC-9 was 'too complicated' and how his daughter wouldn't know how to work it. He then churlishly asked to see the youth model .410 O/U on the shelf behind me that had probably a 20-inch barrel, I don't recall exactly. I handed it too him and he told his daughter (in front of me), "Don't worry I'll saw the barrels to the handle so it's easier to handle."
I reminded him that sawing the barrels below 18-inches was a violation of the NFA and that if his daughter ever did have to use it for self-defense, she'd likely face very severe repercussions for possessing an unregistered short-barrel shotgun. King Fudd went on another tangent, insisting I was wrong while his daughter's face morphed into an "I'm sorry, he's like this" face as I tried to explain to him that he'd be endangering his daughter's legal safety by giving her an unregistered, sawed-off shotgun (I said this repeatedly). My manager came over and explained emphatically to the man that what he was proposing was absolutely illegal and that a double-barreled, sawed-off .410 a fucking terrible choice for self-defense anyhow.
Needless to say, he stormed off, his daughter quietly apologized and I never saw them again.
I work the register at a retail store, and a couple weeks ago this lady buys her shit, goes through the entire purchase, only as she is swiping the card and confirming does she ask to check the prices on the items. So the receipt prints, and this old bitch complains to me that the shirt she bought had a sale price of 19.99, but on the receipt it says she only paid 13.49 for it. At this point she's holding up the line, so after MULTIPLE attempts to EXPLAIN FUCKING SUBTRACTION to her, I get out a pen, underline and circle all the shit showing her step by step how to read the fucking receipt. Then, after all that BULLSHIT, she just sighs and says "I just wish they'd tell you the sale price but I guess they're trying to confuse you"
Smh my head
I do taxes for a living, so I'll be stealing this.
I don’t have the time or crayons to explain this to you:
I use this one sometimes at my job. Then when it takes a second to click, they get so pissed. 😂
We all can't be the best at everything can we now?
You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
this one really got me
I envy those who've never met you.
Your mother begs to differ.
I'm gonna use both of these
You've got two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
EDIT: Apparently the second one is a line from House MD. Giving credit where it's due.
That second one, is merciless
So is the first, to be honest.
I regret my choice of following them every time I see you.
"I don't care what the others say, I think you're great."
Welp, ill go get the aloe vera.
Suspicious of that username with that comment. 🤔
"Narcissism isn't cute sis"
I wouldn't want to be your mirror
I still wouldn't bother to look at you
You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
And just like the front end, everyone pushes through you to get to the part they really want.
I love this
You’re not cute enough to be this stupid
My father always says “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.” Classic complinsult.
“You have a great face for radio.”
And you have a great voice for silence.
Coming from someone who only likes the sound of their own voice
Only because I'd rather listen to anything else but yours.
classic british insult
Pillock is another good one
Yes! Pillock doesn't get enough love. Neither does berk, for that matter.
If a mop was a puppet
The southern "fuck you", Bless Your Heart
And don't forget "well, aren't you special?"
And the “Oh Honey…”
*disappointed devastingly SINGLE tongue click immediately follows* "Oh honey".
Maybe a kindly smile and a slight head tilt to really rub in the salt.
Yes, with the slight head tilt.
I felt that one
I hope your day is as nice as you are.
Omg I said this to a karen and she acted nice real quick
Or the Southern nuclear option, “I’ll pray for you.”
Georgian here, agreed. There are SO many nuances to Bless Your Heart. My grandmother would say it in the sweetest, most genuine way possible...and some lady at church would turn it up to 11😂
It's my fault for having my expectations too high.
I have one like this.
"You were worse than what I expected. And I have no expectations."
Higher than you on any holiday
I had 0 expectations of you and somehow I was still let down
Your mouth is so big, you can eat a banana sideways.
That's a compliment
I call my students this when they are acting like Dickheads. I'm not supposed to say Dickhead but I do anyway.
Now they call each other Dingus when one of them acts up in class.
You seem like the kind of guy that would wash his hands after a shower.
Idk why but I love this one
I'm not sure I understand this, but it made me laugh.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you
u/TAaccountfor2021 you got one 😂🤣
Wisdom has been diligently chasing you, so far, you've always been faster.
I could've been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs
son of a...
A woman once said to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your drink!"
Without skipping a beat, Winston Churchill replied: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it".
Another woman said to him "sir, you are drunk!"
He answered, "that is true, but you are ugly. And I'm the morning, I will be sober"
,,you looked a lot smarter before you spoke"
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt
Takes one to know one!
Your comment is self explanatory.
You two toned, zebra headed, slime coated, pimple farming, paramecium brained, munching on your own mucus, suffering from Peter Pan envy.
You lyin' dog face pony soldier
This is made funnier by your profile pic lol, it looks like a corn pop
**You stupid, stupid man!**
“What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
A simple "wrong" would have been fine...
Man, am I glad I called that guy.
You’re the best pro-abortion argument I’ve ever met.
In seventh grade a girl walked up to me and said “I was pro life until I met you” it was the best insult I had ever heard. I was so amused I couldn’t even get mad.
Ten million sperm and *you* were fastest?
millions of eggs and yet you survived a period.
Along the same lines “you should’ve been a blow job”
A similar play on this. "you should have been swallowed."
your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
I was coming here to say that but instead, I fart in your general direction
Go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
fun fact: Hamsters were unknown as pets til the 20th century
Also if you further break down the insult, they are referring to your mother as a fast breeding rodent. As for the otherside, the elderberries comment is a reference to medieval wine production as grapes could only really be grown in the south of england or mainland europe, in northern England and Scotland you could use elderberries but it was viewed as lower quality wine.
TLDR: your mother is a whore and your father isn't just a drunk, he is a cheap drunk.
By far one of the most insulting things put to film that noone gets.
Literally the only thing that came to mind.
Now, go away before I taunt you again.
I read somewhere, probably tumblr, that this is indeed a true insult as hamsters are considered fast breeding rodents and elderberries were a key ingredient in certain wines. (?) essentially your poor, have too many children and a drunk.
Well the Frenchman is calling Arthur's mom a whore because she breeds like a hamster and his dad a drunk
DAMMIT MY IMMEDIATE ONE take my upvote
I bet you drop common loot when defeated.
My mother told me not to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Your twice as dense as a black hole and just about as bright
Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
I envy everyone you've never met.
From the moment I met you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life without you
If your personality was an ingredient, it be flour.
Bob's burgers did it slightly better. "If she were a spice she'd be flour"
That way it bypasses the fact that flour is no doubt important, but compared to other spices it's nothing.
>"If she were a spice she'd be flour"
If she was a book, she'd be two books.
"You have the personality of a sack of flour"
Flour is pretty important tho
Flour is pretty important dough
Flour is pretty important. Doh!!!!
I'm french and in the south of the country the word "brave"(It mean the same thing in English) change it's sense to become something like "you are dumb as fuck but at least you are a good person"
So if you come to the south of France and someone tell you "t'est bien brave" it's clearly not a compliment
You look like a thumb that got broken by another thumb in a thumb war
I don’t have the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
Thats what you get for thinking when you're not used to it.
It's amazing your brain can generate enough power to keep those little legs moving.
You must really make your therapist work for their money
Bro fricking Internet Explorer runs faster then you my man.
I’ve always been very fond of the word “degenerate”
Feels like a knife digging into the skin
Can confirm, it hurts everytime they say it
Look, keep it at the end of the laneway. No degens on the property.
I think it’s kinda funny
Same with calling someone delusional
"My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
Everyone who has ever loved you was wrong.
You'll never be half the man your mother was!
Either "Your the reason condoms exist" or "you couldn't pour water from a boot with the instructions printed on the heel"
You son of a motherless goat.
Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?
did you get that insult from tm Hawkins?
According to my Shakespearean insult generator:
*Thou art a spleeny, fen-sucked barnacle.*
Thou hast been burned
blankly staring at them after they said something stupid. has happened to me. shit works.
“What is the point of you?”
Telling someone they smell bad. It’s hard to shake that one off without acting like you care.
You probably have no inner monologue.
"You, my friend, are a wonderful advertisement for birth control"
After someone insults you: I’d insult you back but you wouldn’t understand it
Looks like God had spare parts he put together to make an absolute joke of a person.
“you’re hard to ignore, but well worth the effort”
The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.
May a mushroom grow on your bald head.
Your the seeds to my watermelon. I don’t want you.
if I jumped from your ego I would die of old age before I hit the floor
I’ve always heard it as “If I was suicidal I’d jump from your ego to your IQ.”
I like the word dingbat
"you look like you would be a disney adult"
One I found on YT
"These lyrics are harder to read then FCing this song on Guitar Hero"
Song in question was "Through the Fire and Flames"
"You're a lot smarter than you look"
"I hope your day is as pleasant as you are."
Think of the children!
Bye buddy, hope you find your dad!
You have the IQ of a lobotomised troglodyte
The wheel is spinning but the hamsters dead…
If stupid were gasoline no one would smoke around you.
Just add the word “interesting” to describe someone/their food/thoughts/clothing style = instant insult.
An insult without any swear words could be… “bro you built like the mutated version of alvin the chipmunk”
Are you so dumb, you even answer rhetorical questions?
I know your uses, and they are few.
Calling someone simple, it hurts on so many levels haha.
"Education is important, you should look into some"
May a pregnant camel break her water over your marriage bed.
"You're the type of person who would wear a bullet proof vest, get shot in your leg and wonder why it hurts if you're wearing armor."
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries. Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time.
You're difficult to underestimate.
Stole that one
"You are not reddit mod material"
This is a compliment
You would have been better as a stain in the bedsheets
Your dad must have been so happy to have you because he wasn't your mom's biggest disappointment anymore.
Bless your heart
"Ah'll be PrayAn fEr ye HUNNY"
Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
I clearly overestimated your intelligence.
My barber once told me “I think that guy’s brain is upside down in his head”
Your parents probably microwaved you instead of vaccinating you.
You remind me of a piece of bread that I saw in a bakery once, it just sat there because nobody wanted it
I have a standard saying after being insulted:
Wow, that would've really hurt my feelings... *If I valued your opinion.*
...gotta make sure you lean into that last part.
“Don’t be a warm toilet seat you soggy bread slice.”
I bet your parents change the topic when they get asked about you.
Your all spare parts arnt you bud?