T O P
YourUncleBenny69

“I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.”


Careless_Candle_5432

Oh goddamn-


iaim2_misbehave

My parents definitely do. Because they don’t want to acknowledge that I cut them out of my life.


andronicus_14

I’ve found my people.


iaim2_misbehave

I’ll gladly be your people! 🥹


TrackGod5150

Someone blocked me on Instagram because I used that on them 🤣😂


InfiniteStarFighter

If they do that, you have basically won


needs_grammarly

you aren't the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don't die


SweetVFlower

Pls don't die


[deleted]

Gottem


natsugrayerza

Feels like it’s too easy for them to say “yeah, I sure hope you don’t”


TAaccountfor2021

One I use in retail occasionally... I can explain this to you but I can't understand it for you.


shinobi500

That's pretty savage.


TAaccountfor2021

Try working retail. Especially as a manager. People choose not to understand things when they don't suit them.


CopperAndLead

As a fellow retail manager, I feel that in my bones. I manage a large gun store, so I deal with a lot of idiots (frightening, I know). There are times when people try to argue with me about things that involve federal law, and get mad at me when I won’t commit willful violations of said federal law that could cost the store its license to lawfully do business. I usually will end things with, “I’m sorry you feel that way, because it means that we can no longer do business. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for elsewhere.”


Fight_the_bastards

My favorite part about working in a gun store was to entirely legally be able to tell assholes to fuck off. The worst part was dealing with all the assholes in the first place. Also, working in a gun store convinced me that we need stronger gun control laws. If I had a dollar for every fuckstick that flagged me/literally everything in the goddamn store, I’d be able to afford to retire. My “favorite” customer was the one who asked “what caliber do you recommend for shooting n——- (with the *hard ‘R’),” and then acting butthurt when I told him that he wasn’t buying a gun that day, or ever, from our establishment.


AngriestManinWestTX

I had a guy come in once, probably late 70s, that was looking for a gun to buy his late-30s looking daughter for home defense. I recommended a handgun or two, which he rejected, and then a Ruger PC-9. Dude went on some tangent about how the PC-9 was 'too complicated' and how his daughter wouldn't know how to work it. He then churlishly asked to see the youth model .410 O/U on the shelf behind me that had probably a 20-inch barrel, I don't recall exactly. I handed it too him and he told his daughter (in front of me), "Don't worry I'll saw the barrels to the handle so it's easier to handle." I reminded him that sawing the barrels below 18-inches was a violation of the NFA and that if his daughter ever did have to use it for self-defense, she'd likely face very severe repercussions for possessing an unregistered short-barrel shotgun. King Fudd went on another tangent, insisting I was wrong while his daughter's face morphed into an "I'm sorry, he's like this" face as I tried to explain to him that he'd be endangering his daughter's legal safety by giving her an unregistered, sawed-off shotgun (I said this repeatedly). My manager came over and explained emphatically to the man that what he was proposing was absolutely illegal and that a double-barreled, sawed-off .410 a fucking terrible choice for self-defense anyhow. Needless to say, he stormed off, his daughter quietly apologized and I never saw them again.


[deleted]

I work the register at a retail store, and a couple weeks ago this lady buys her shit, goes through the entire purchase, only as she is swiping the card and confirming does she ask to check the prices on the items. So the receipt prints, and this old bitch complains to me that the shirt she bought had a sale price of 19.99, but on the receipt it says she only paid 13.49 for it. At this point she's holding up the line, so after MULTIPLE attempts to EXPLAIN FUCKING SUBTRACTION to her, I get out a pen, underline and circle all the shit showing her step by step how to read the fucking receipt. Then, after all that BULLSHIT, she just sighs and says "I just wish they'd tell you the sale price but I guess they're trying to confuse you" Smh my head


premeditatedsleepove

I do taxes for a living, so I'll be stealing this.


Zeptari

I don’t have the time or crayons to explain this to you:


murray1337

I use this one sometimes at my job. Then when it takes a second to click, they get so pissed. 😂


Supersaiajinblue

We all can't be the best at everything can we now?


JJISHERE4U

You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.


book_worm8286

this one really got me


Kodemar

I envy those who've never met you.


Supersaiajinblue

Your mother begs to differ.


hulkbot776

I'm gonna use both of these


FlashpointJ24

You've got two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place. Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology. EDIT: Apparently the second one is a line from House MD. Giving credit where it's due.


Curious-Sky4821

That second one, is merciless


SergeantPsycho

So is the first, to be honest.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Supersaiajinblue

I regret my choice of following them every time I see you.


sewn_of_a_gun

"I don't care what the others say, I think you're great."


[deleted]

[удалено]


SkinHunger55

Welp, ill go get the aloe vera.


Meranio

Suspicious of that username with that comment. 🤔


Red_Ranger75

"Narcissism isn't cute sis"


lilgreen13789

I wouldn't want to be your mirror


Supersaiajinblue

I still wouldn't bother to look at you


sparklingshanaya

You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.


Supersaiajinblue

And just like the front end, everyone pushes through you to get to the part they really want.


Tdawwg78

I love this


yGy13579

You’re not cute enough to be this stupid


[deleted]

My father always says “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.” Classic complinsult.


YourUncleBenny69

“You have a great face for radio.”


Supersaiajinblue

And you have a great voice for silence.


why__tho_

Coming from someone who only likes the sound of their own voice


Supersaiajinblue

Only because I'd rather listen to anything else but yours.


Rogurzz

muppet.


pastadraws

classic british insult


jdl_uk

Pillock is another good one


HelixDraxzonyx

Yes! Pillock doesn't get enough love. Neither does berk, for that matter.


Education_Weird

If a mop was a puppet


SheriffComey

The southern "fuck you", Bless Your Heart


Bebe_Bleau

And don't forget "well, aren't you special?"


wiggysbelleza

And the “Oh Honey…”


TacoCommand

*disappointed devastingly SINGLE tongue click immediately follows* "Oh honey". Maybe a kindly smile and a slight head tilt to really rub in the salt.


RebaKitten

Yes, with the slight head tilt.


Modest_Tea_Consumer

I felt that one


Inane_newt

I hope your day is as nice as you are.


Psychological-Card17

Omg I said this to a karen and she acted nice real quick


nautilus_striven

Or the Southern nuclear option, “I’ll pray for you.”


xaipumpkin

Georgian here, agreed. There are SO many nuances to Bless Your Heart. My grandmother would say it in the sweetest, most genuine way possible...and some lady at church would turn it up to 11😂


SergeantPsycho

It's my fault for having my expectations too high.


JesusHackedMyAccount

I have one like this. "You were worse than what I expected. And I have no expectations."


Education_Weird

Higher than you on any holiday


TheKalebPerkins

I had 0 expectations of you and somehow I was still let down


yamsnavas2

Your mouth is so big, you can eat a banana sideways.


Education_Weird

That's a compliment


LanguidMelancholy

Dingus


dkstr419

I call my students this when they are acting like Dickheads. I'm not supposed to say Dickhead but I do anyway. Now they call each other Dingus when one of them acts up in class.


Superjukes2

You seem like the kind of guy that would wash his hands after a shower.


remag117

Idk why but I love this one


Schneetmacher

I'm not sure I understand this, but it made me laugh.


crotchcritters

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you


agbellamae

u/TAaccountfor2021 you got one 😂🤣


skaote

Wisdom has been diligently chasing you, so far, you've always been faster.


ErazerHeadz

Plonker


Neph_The_Deaf

I could've been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs


ABobby077

son of a...


Bizarre_Protuberance

A woman once said to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your drink!" Without skipping a beat, Winston Churchill replied: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it".


moncompteajete

Another woman said to him "sir, you are drunk!" He answered, "that is true, but you are ugly. And I'm the morning, I will be sober"


naughtynight26

,,you looked a lot smarter before you spoke"


OldBob10

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt


kyzalie

Takes one to know one!


Supersaiajinblue

Your comment is self explanatory.


shinobi500

You two toned, zebra headed, slime coated, pimple farming, paramecium brained, munching on your own mucus, suffering from Peter Pan envy.


Bebe_Bleau

You lyin' dog face pony soldier


[deleted]

[удалено]


Bebe_Bleau

👴


LegoCMFanatic

This is made funnier by your profile pic lol, it looks like a corn pop


PutYaGunsOn

You...you **man!** **You stupid, stupid man!**


JammyJacketPotato

Bangarang, Peter!!


Ottersandtats

“What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”


Selith87

A simple "wrong" would have been fine...


slom_ax

Man, am I glad I called that guy.


dynnk

You’re the best pro-abortion argument I’ve ever met.


Soulsamiright

In seventh grade a girl walked up to me and said “I was pro life until I met you” it was the best insult I had ever heard. I was so amused I couldn’t even get mad.


james4765

Ten million sperm and *you* were fastest?


CoolingOreos

millions of eggs and yet you survived a period.


[deleted]

Along the same lines “you should’ve been a blow job”


aaronblkfox

A similar play on this. "you should have been swallowed."


tcguy71

your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries


bluephoenix39

I was coming here to say that but instead, I fart in your general direction


[deleted]

Go away or I shall taunt you a second time.


bremergorst

Nii!


Bahnd

Nuuuu!!!


pm_me_all_ur_money

fun fact: Hamsters were unknown as pets til the 20th century


Bahnd

Also if you further break down the insult, they are referring to your mother as a fast breeding rodent. As for the otherside, the elderberries comment is a reference to medieval wine production as grapes could only really be grown in the south of england or mainland europe, in northern England and Scotland you could use elderberries but it was viewed as lower quality wine. TLDR: your mother is a whore and your father isn't just a drunk, he is a cheap drunk. By far one of the most insulting things put to film that noone gets.


WantedDadorAlive

Literally the only thing that came to mind. Now, go away before I taunt you again.


Robbjack-daniels

I read somewhere, probably tumblr, that this is indeed a true insult as hamsters are considered fast breeding rodents and elderberries were a key ingredient in certain wines. (?) essentially your poor, have too many children and a drunk.


stealthkoopa

Well the Frenchman is calling Arthur's mom a whore because she breeds like a hamster and his dad a drunk


CaliforniaPotato

DAMMIT MY IMMEDIATE ONE take my upvote


Spearka

I bet you drop common loot when defeated.


terpterpin

My mother told me not to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.


E4_studios

Your twice as dense as a black hole and just about as bright


SimilarTumbleweed

Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.


Random_puns

I envy everyone you've never met. From the moment I met you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life without you


Space_Kitty69

If your personality was an ingredient, it be flour.


schofield101

Bob's burgers did it slightly better. "If she were a spice she'd be flour" That way it bypasses the fact that flour is no doubt important, but compared to other spices it's nothing.


ZappSmithBrannigan

>"If she were a spice she'd be flour" If she was a book, she'd be two books.


topazi

"You have the personality of a sack of flour"


golumlars

Flour is pretty important tho


Patchypiper

Flour is pretty important dough


OldBob10

Flour is pretty important. Doh!!!!


cmonletmeusemyname

I'm french and in the south of the country the word "brave"(It mean the same thing in English) change it's sense to become something like "you are dumb as fuck but at least you are a good person" So if you come to the south of France and someone tell you "t'est bien brave" it's clearly not a compliment


SolarCube93

You look like a thumb that got broken by another thumb in a thumb war


idiBanashapan

I don’t have the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.


Singulant

Thats what you get for thinking when you're not used to it.


xander6981

It's amazing your brain can generate enough power to keep those little legs moving.


Kellen_Games

You must really make your therapist work for their money


TempUsernameAdvice

Bro fricking Internet Explorer runs faster then you my man.


SlapsLikeFlea13

I’ve always been very fond of the word “degenerate” Feels like a knife digging into the skin


alexwithaw

Can confirm, it hurts everytime they say it


Lexi_Banner

Look, keep it at the end of the laneway. No degens on the property.


Alarming_Orchid

I think it’s kinda funny


CdnRageBear

Same with calling someone delusional


SuperstitiousPigeon5

"My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly." Winston Churchill


Apprehensive_Hat8986

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.


NewUser7630

absolutely savage


Apellosine

Everyone who has ever loved you was wrong.


[deleted]

You'll never be half the man your mother was!


NightmareKing625

Either "Your the reason condoms exist" or "you couldn't pour water from a boot with the instructions printed on the heel"


AardvarkAndy

You son of a motherless goat.


kellyk311

Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?


DragonSoldier123

did you get that insult from tm Hawkins?


awgeezwhatnow

According to my Shakespearean insult generator: *Thou art a spleeny, fen-sucked barnacle.* Thou hast been burned


squish9394

blankly staring at them after they said something stupid. has happened to me. shit works.


nautilus_striven

“What is the point of you?” Absolutely devastating.


yodelingxanax

Telling someone they smell bad. It’s hard to shake that one off without acting like you care.


ClownWar2022

You probably have no inner monologue.


Zharan_Colonel

"You, my friend, are a wonderful advertisement for birth control"


remag117

After someone insults you: I’d insult you back but you wouldn’t understand it


Weird_person_1670

Looks like God had spare parts he put together to make an absolute joke of a person.


Faze-TSM-Ninja

“you’re hard to ignore, but well worth the effort”


wengelite

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.


mordecai98

May a mushroom grow on your bald head.


Maystar108

Your the seeds to my watermelon. I don’t want you.


DragonSoldier123

if I jumped from your ego I would die of old age before I hit the floor


LazySilver

I’ve always heard it as “If I was suicidal I’d jump from your ego to your IQ.”


theiciestbitch

I like the word dingbat


Careful_Pickle555

"you look like you would be a disney adult"


sfisher923

One I found on YT ​ "These lyrics are harder to read then FCing this song on Guitar Hero" ​ Song in question was "Through the Fire and Flames"


PocktAces

"You're a lot smarter than you look"


soik90

"I hope your day is as pleasant as you are."


Otherwise-Fly-331

Cottonheaded ninnymuggins


bremergorst

Think of the children!


cvs_parking

Bye buddy, hope you find your dad!


SmartKrave

You have the IQ of a lobotomised troglodyte


Ottersandtats

The wheel is spinning but the hamsters dead…


AnusEinstein

If stupid were gasoline no one would smoke around you.


living1day1time

Just add the word “interesting” to describe someone/their food/thoughts/clothing style = instant insult.


orangxq

An insult without any swear words could be… “bro you built like the mutated version of alvin the chipmunk”


Flat_Bodybuilder_175

Are you so dumb, you even answer rhetorical questions?


Gullible_Weird_5770

I know your uses, and they are few.


HonestlyPizza

Calling someone simple, it hurts on so many levels haha.


Bubbaganewsh

"Education is important, you should look into some"


Puzzleheaded_Stay429

May a pregnant camel break her water over your marriage bed.


poopoo_fingers

"You're the type of person who would wear a bullet proof vest, get shot in your leg and wonder why it hurts if you're wearing armor."


spiked_macaroon

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries. Now go away, or I will taunt you a second time.


weirdo_enby

You're difficult to underestimate. Stole that one


nxdefiant

"You are not reddit mod material"


professor_sloth

This is a compliment


tyrom22

You would have been better as a stain in the bedsheets


Alexastria

Your dad must have been so happy to have you because he wasn't your mom's biggest disappointment anymore.


39thversion

Bless your heart


Cameinthecloset4

"Ah'll be PrayAn fEr ye HUNNY"


NewUser7630

..., darlin'.


Mtantele

Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.


Azuras_Star8

I clearly overestimated your intelligence.


fuck_korean_air

My barber once told me “I think that guy’s brain is upside down in his head”


bingus_official

Your parents probably microwaved you instead of vaccinating you.


[deleted]

You remind me of a piece of bread that I saw in a bakery once, it just sat there because nobody wanted it


Prior-Chip-6909

I have a standard saying after being insulted: Wow, that would've really hurt my feelings... *If I valued your opinion.* ...gotta make sure you lean into that last part.


ManicPixieDreamGoth

Pillock


ChefRemyRat

“Don’t be a warm toilet seat you soggy bread slice.”


TheJizzMeister

Jabroni


moon_bacon

I bet your parents change the topic when they get asked about you.


soazmike

Your all spare parts arnt you bud?