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The body.


Don't worry, it's taken care of.


i smell someone doing my job? get the fuck out of my way


Keep talking shit and we'll have a happy little accident and a fresh corpse.


not if i ate the corpse


Do you prefer with or without seasoning?


depends what you season it with


The meats already salty so I only put onion pepper to give it a little more taste.


i want it fresh uncooked and seasoned with diarrhea


Done, see you at 7.


It is bound to happen I suppose.


The one in the attic?


I found my friend's penis pump and he was right there. lol.


Has he gotten any results from using the pump? Asking for research purposes.


Feels the same to me.


This made me laugh out loud and now the whole office know I'm on Reddit lol


One book entitled "the Swedish Enlarger Pump and me: this sort of thing is my bag... baby." By Austin Powers.


Oh no. I guess that is one worry less for your friend.


A cure for what killed me.


Type 1 diabetic here, yup. Every year feels closer to a cure and yet further from it being able to help me.


Don't worry, it's only five years away! (As they've been saying for decades!)


The sun'll come out...


A family friend has a disease that's sort of the opposite. Although, still no cure either. When she was a baby they told her parents probably she'd die before she started school. Then 10. Then 15. Then 20. Then 25. She's almost 50 now. She has lived her entire life on the cusp of the lifespan for people with her condition.




Doesn't matter, I'll be dead.


"Ideally I'd like it just to say... nooooooo whyyyyyy nooooooo ahhhhhh. You can't write tears Jimmy" - Sean Lock.


An absolute legend. I wonder if his other last wish has been honored yet. I haven't heard of anyone throwing his ashes in Piers Morgan's eyes so I guess not.


True Chad


probably the best answer here


All my journals.


Ask your loved ones to burn/bury them with you without opening them.


I have...but I have trust issues. They might find my plans to become the totalitarian dictator of the world or open my own fromagerie.


I think you can still open your own fromagerie.


Don’t sell them short, they could be the totalitarian dictator of the world. Perhaps through fromageries


Oh shit! I overlooked this aspect.


Mom always said, I can be what ever I put my mind too.


The solution is quite easy. At the end of each journal simply write "...just kidding". You could do it after every entry, but it saves a lot of time to just do it once at the end.


That I'm actually two children in a trench coat.




Vincent was obviously an adult male, what do you mean?


Exactly, and he was great at business


He did a business, I heard.


Those were three, I think




I’m three raccoons in a bathrobe.


My personal diary


Came to say this. I love writing but never kept a journal for this reason. The times I *tried* to keep a journal left me worried about who might read my thoughts and feelings if something happened to me, so I quit journaling altogether, which is kind of sad.


My mom asked my dad not to read her journals if/when she died. He didn’t respect her wishes and gave me one of them. It was weird to read. A few of things that stood out to me: “at least my marriage has good sex” and “a good day is when I’m not constantly thinking about suicide.” I appreciate getting more insight into who she was and the struggles she went through but when I read that as a teen I didn’t know what to think. Moral of the story, don’t trust your spouse to burn before reading lol


I've had the same worries in the past. What I did was just create a new alphabet with completely different symbols so that I'm the only one who can read it.


If someone is motivated, just by looking at some common 3, 2, and 1 letter words: "the", "and", "I", "to", etc. (just that would be 8 letters with 4 vowels with a couple educated guesses; days of the week could potentially be another 8 letters), you can get a decent corpus and just work from there. You're better off just making your writing illegible, and/or in a different language.


I did this as a kid and thought I was so clever, my dad peered over my shoulder for like ten seconds and figured out a few letters lol


Oh shit. This just got added to my list.


nice try fbi


not today cia


Dirty tricks, MI6.


No imposition from the Spanish Inquisition.


I'm free KGB!


Nice attempts at obscurity, Department of Homeland Security


I'm as innocent as a schoolmarm, dear Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms


Up your ass, IRS!


Suck it, FNS.


Stay away, NSA!


Lol Europol.


Go away,DEA


I'm afraid they have nothing to discover.


I am sure there is something. Don't worry.


How much of a filthy sex fiend I was.


I was tasked with clearing my granddads browsing history after he died. I knew he was a dirty ol man, but god damn. Anyway, his secrets die with me.


Sorry I didn’t know my wife’s grandfather well enough. His secrets don’t die with me. He had pornos with “old chicks need big dicks” type vhs’s and a box full of dildos.


Maybe you should keep them, I know you’ve probably got a lot of sentimental feelings for them


It’s been over 15 years since discovered this. Do sentimental feelings mean the same as “oh god I can’t let go of the feeling of my partners father walking into a room while I hold the box of these things and how fucking awkward.” Mean the same thing? Because sometimes I see a dildo and want to buy it for that reason


This right here. I feel like I live a good and healthy life. I spend my career helping others and I always try to be kind to all people. I always think of people at my funeral and hope they'd say awesome things but I mostly just worry about whoever gets to go through my phone and see how much porn I have saved. Its nothing too awful but I worry that others my think less of me since most people I know are more reserved with that kind of thing


Just destroy your phone before you die, simple


I seriously heard about a girl that had labeled her box full of toys: please throw away without opening. You don’t want to see this. For het family in case she died and they had to clean her stuff.


Oh honey, we all are...


I used to be "Yeah we are all nasty" until my best friend told me he wanted to receive oral from a girl while taking a dump, then I realized we are not all the same nasty.


That's just a good ol fashion blumpkin


I fear and do not want to check if "blumpkin" is a existing term on Internet


Don't worry it is. And has been around for at least a decade


Way longer. It was referenced in Role Models in 2008, and was around longer before that.


I just remember looking it up on urban dictionary as a teen after hearing that someone did it at work lol


Harold & Kumar was the first time i heard it and that was back in 2004 I believe? Might have been the sequel in 2008.


at least he didn't want to receive a dump from a girl while giving oral


I am not going to bring this scenario to his awareness, as it might spark a chain of events.


Can confirm Source: filthy sex fiend


That I've never been to Boston in the fall.


Maybe you shouldn't have been some pirate that never did anything


Never licked a spark plug?


Small pp


I don't imagine your casket will be that open.


Mine will be. Otherwise my massive pp won't fit.


As long as you and your partner/s are happy with it, who cares?


ah ok, in that case, small pp and the fact that neither me nor my partner/s were happy with it.




My Warhammer, got back into it during lockdown and didn’t tell my girlfriend. It’s the one super nerdy thing that I do that I’m actually a little embarrassed about lol.


I took 20 years off, and when I was really sick a few years ago, on the way home from the hospital stopped in a game shop to try to find something to keep me busy while I recovered. Saw how incredible the new models had gotten, spend a hundred bucks on a kit and assload of paints and brushes, and went home and painted a dreadnought. My wife saw it and I was like, ah hell, here it comes, and she said "Wow, I had no idea you were such an artist, you should buy more of these!" Yeah, she fuckin regrets that now I bet.


Lol I mean they’re going to find out soon enough with all the miniatures you’re going to continue to find.


The password to “End of the World Files” which is a folder that just contains porn, backed up in all my devices, if the world goes to shit and I still have my phone, I better bust out the last one before nuclear death


What a plan that is... love it...


I always have 50gb+ of porn on my phone. I always imagine that some day I'll be in some kind of scenario like a plane crash on a remote island, or stuck 10,000m down in a mine-shaft with dozens of people. And I'll be the only person with a supply of porn, to get people through it all. And I'll use it to gain a leadership role, and I'll delay any hope of a rescue, to maintain my position of power.


Damn, what phone do you have that you think you've got the battery power to last a whole political career?


[This one.](https://www.theverge.com/platform/amp/circuitbreaker/2019/4/30/18522236/energizer-huge-battery-phone-p18k-pro-indiegogo-price-fail)


You do know people could have sex themselves right?


Nonsense, if having sex was real i would have had one by now.


*Yes, hello? I'll have one sex please.*


Sir, this is a Wendy’s


not with that attitude


They crashed onto the Virgin Islands


That i'm secretly in love with Taylor Swift . I am happily married father of five .... And a metalhead 😐


>father of five .... And a metalhead your sixth child being a metalhead is no reason to disown him :(


It was a quiet service with only his closest friends and immediate family who dearly loved him. Everyone, all dressed respectfully in black, gathered around the grave site in the cemetery to watch the coffin lower into the ground. One by one, each of them threw in a white flower on top of the coffin. Before they could begin burying the flower covered coffin amidst quiet weeping, the squeal of tires on pavement cut through the quiet morning air. All in attendance turned their head to see a slim pale leg step out of a black car, followed by a petite form in a small black dress. The wavy-haired blond made her way next to the grave site and glanced at the tombstone. The funeral director didn't show a single hint of surprise at her presences and simply nodded at her. "Yes, we are ready," the funeral director said. "I never abandon my fans," the blond said passionately, fighting back tears. "Who are you?" an older man at the service asked, confused. The blond ignored the question and simply knelt next to the tombstone, which was blank and unmarked, on top the mound of dirt to be pushed over the coffin. She cleared her throat and tried to steady her voice. Stroking the unmarked tombstone, she sang on tune: "*I've got a blank space, baby.... and I'll write your name.*" "Thank you Taylor," the funeral director said. "Now we can put his name down." Before leaving, Taylor Swift gave one last look at the coffin. "I hope Shgrien liked that," she sighs. Misty eyed, the funeral director nodded, staring off into the sky. It was a beautiful day. "He can finally rest in peace."


Came here for the laughs, stayed for the emotional breakdown you caused me. That was goddamn beautiful sir or madam, take my upvote, you’ve damn well earned it!


This is lovely


Now we all know. No need to fear anymore.


Metal head here and I love Taytay


Metalhead? MEtaLHeAD?!?!... Judas NO!


Isn't everyone lol


Dont worry man. Im in love with her too


My 1TB HD Hentai Collection. I misplaced that Hard Drive. If I dont find it Out Before my death and Destroy it, I can't REST IN PEACE.


i did this for real with a samsung 850 evo. it was 250gb, filled to the brim. i have a feeling my dad already found it and either hasn’t opened anything on it or hasn’t said anything.


Mine was a Seagate 1TB HardDrive. Space was 984 GB and it was filled 877 GB. And its really true. When we Shifted House. It got misplaced in a box. I am looking for it from 3 monthes now. It was not only Hentai. But maximum of it was.


If you find it again make sure to encrypt the harddrive! Then it wont matter if its misplaced


you expect me to know how to do that?




Do you know how fucking big 1tb is




When no one shows up to my funeral, and they realize I actually had no friends or people that care.


Me, face down, with a pair of pants absolutely FILLED with poops


How absolutely miserable I’ve been in my life. All the pain ive carried with me through the years. I’ve been good at keeping up with social activities, work, relationships, etc. and seeming happy. but it would break my moms heart to know how long I’ve suffered.


I recently told my mother about my depression that I had a few years ago. She obviously knew, and talking about it, explaining the sheer pain and suffering I went through got her really emotional and sad. But after I explained how I experienced the present, how my image of the world have changed and my mindset with, it felt worth it. I dont wanna see my mom sad. Telling her about how I (as a consequence of what I went through) dont wanna have children, made her just that. But really trying to explain why made her atleast understand. It felt worth it in the end. Atleast Im being honest and staying open :)


Wow this sounds like a 1:1 replica of my experience. I recently told my mom about my sexual abuse and why i fear women and it broke her heart. Now i feel like a dick because she blames herself.


You got it. It's not too late. You are strong enough to face and come out of your misery. May I recommend therapy?


Already enrolled in therapy, I don’t plan on ending my life. I’ve been in therapy for 8+ years & have been on multiple different medications for MDD, none of which have worked. I’m still kicking, and plan to for a long while to come. It’s just if I died suddenly from something random like a car accident or anything. It would be upsetting to have my family know just how sad I was.


I’m actually afraid to keep a journal for this reason.


How would they find out your sadness?


A paper cutout of a voluptuous lady that I stashed somewhere in my house but couldn't find for the life of me. It has been 5 years and no luck yet.


^(she has gained sentience and is living in your walls)


The font size made me laugh out loud


Almost as if the voice were muffled by a layer of sheet rock and paint...


If I'm dead why should I worry?


I don't know. The image that you would leave on others about yourself?


That I commented on shitposts.


So, you want me to check out your profile?


Aaaa! Nevermind


my collection of huge dildos It gives me anxiety that if i die before my parents they'll have to discover that their son has over 15 gigantic dildos, so I gave a trusted friend an extra key to my place and told him about the box under my bed and should I ever die unexpectedly to destroy the contents of that box.


Your friend is going to be so tempted to get himself invited to your house so he can open that box. Once opened he'll tell your entire friend group and you'll forever be the butt end of dildo jokes (pun intended). You will forever regret telling him about your hidden box.


Nah he knows I'm into freaky shit, he's a hetero dude but we're really open about sex and sexuality and stuff. He gave me a giant fist shaped "dildo" for christmas last year! Didn't open that one in front of my parents. btw i do not use it both because it is comically gigantic, even for me, and also because it is made with PVC, i only use silicone toys. It was a joke gift.


>Didn't open that one in front of my parents "no mom it's just a brofist. you know the youtuber pewdiepie... actually no i'd rather admit it's a dildo"


Haha This reminds me of a time that I purchased a giant dildo and used it to assault my friend (not *too* violently), as any good friend should do, but years later he had a date with a guy and he spam texts me in a panic asking if I could break into his house and cleanup his room. He had left a bunch of his toys and stuff all over the bed not expecting to end up taking this guy home. So I broke in, which was fun, and to there on the bed with some other things laid this massive dildo in all it's glory. ...ah good times


May I ask what is the purpose of so many?


He likes to party.


Sometimes you want a textured and thick dildo, sometimes you want a long and slick dildo, sometimes a hard one sometimes a soft one. Also cause I like to party


This almost read like a Dr. Seuss book.


One Dildo, Two Dildo, Red Dildo, Blue Dildo, Thin Dildo, Thick Dildo, Rough Dildo, Slick Dildo, This one has a nice flared base. This one looks a different race! This one can reach very far, Look how many Dildos there are!


I'm very sad that I already gave away my free award for this is the most award-worthy post I've seen today.


Blue eggs and ham


Spares, so he can set up a bowling alley when the mood strikes him.


and my asshole is the bowling ball


Wasn't this in one episode of "queer as folk"?


hope it goes alright and you don't, you know, die


I fear one day people will discover my fanfictions on wattpad.. I could never find the password for it and i couldn't log back in.. Edit: Lol thank you so much for the comments. I wrote fanfics on wattpad when I was 13. I still write but it's much better. I wish I could tell myself that whatever I put out on the internet is going to be out there forever. Also WRITE DOWN YOUR GOSH DARN PASSWORDS


My mom found out I wrote fan fiction, somewhere around 2013. Her reaction? "Is your stuff smut? Because E.L. James is getting rich, and you should too." That's when I realized that writing mediocre fanfic is not weird or embarrassing. It's what writers do. And there are awful writers who still publish!


You know what this comment should be higher up because it’s so damn inspiring. What’s that quote about how you should never hold yourself back because there’s someone out there confidently being way more mediocre than you are and getting paid for it…


My search history.


I can’t wait to see what some elections are going to look like in the next 15 to 20 years. You know people are gonna try and dig up their opponent’s internet history to see what kind of fucked up porn they watched when they were 20 years old and air that shit out like dirty laundry. It’s gonna be an absolute shitshow, way more than it already is.


I raise you that this has been tradition forever, and anyone approaching this positions or garnering them is under the cape of constant blackmail. Just a new means now, that captures everyone even before they get to the show.


Always hear this but what exactly in your history would you be embarrassed about. I know porn but what specifically?


The words i should have known how to spell.


The number of times I've googled the word wierd... One forum I use flags both ie and ei as a spelling error. I survive of spell check, so that gets me every time.


i take it you *didnt* google weird before writing this comment? (also a little trick i use is i before e except after C, but weird is weird, because it doesn’t follow that rule) Edit: realized how aggressive this comment looked after posting it, sorry mate just trying to help


I wrote that on my phone. Apparently I've gotten it wrong so often that Google now assumes that's how I meant to spell it =(


The fact that you got it wrong made it so much better! Thanks for making my night random internet stranger


... I've apparently gottten it wrong so many times that my autocorrect put it in wrong. I've lost control of my life.


I'm Filipino but don't understand any words in Filipino. so it's basically 80% of my search history just to translate Filipino to English.


Same here dude


If you play D&D, the search history gets... weird


Nugget porn


weiiird fetish stuff


That my life had no significant impact on this planet or society and I wasted 27 years of my life for nothing...


In my eyes, you are significant. Stay strong. I am sure, everything will turn around for you.


The fact they don't even miss me


Cat girl girlfriends


My porn. All my filthy filthy porn.


A will to live


My fetish history.


My life size danny de vito sex doll


Does it bring you happiness?


I think the question you're looking for is "Does it spark joy?"


This Reddit account and all the porn I comment on.


Shameless plug I see.


I looked and I just want to say what I’m the everlasting name of fuck


How many times I've shit my pants as an adult


How to bring me back I guess


The cure for whatever killed me


Leather fetish


That I achieved nothing of significance.


Genuinely: so what? On the cosmic level, no one achieves anything of significance.


My underwear :(


A way to live longer


I’ve been hiding it from a lot of people that I’m actually just a hive mind of rats in a large trench coat impersonating someone. It’s getting harder and harder to keep the charade up each day but goddammit I have to keep going. For them. For my children and the family I love. I will remain here for you, a massive blob of rats- but your father, nonetheless.