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SilverLantern2814

The body.


phoenix27426

Don't worry, it's taken care of.


[deleted]

i smell someone doing my job? get the fuck out of my way


phoenix27426

Keep talking shit and we'll have a happy little accident and a fresh corpse.


[deleted]

not if i ate the corpse


phoenix27426

Do you prefer with or without seasoning?


[deleted]

depends what you season it with


phoenix27426

The meats already salty so I only put onion pepper to give it a little more taste.


[deleted]

i want it fresh uncooked and seasoned with diarrhea


phoenix27426

Done, see you at 7.


Haha_1234567

It is bound to happen I suppose.


imarite

The one in the attic?


_Bryant_

I found my friend's penis pump and he was right there. lol.


tommykiddo

Has he gotten any results from using the pump? Asking for research purposes.


_Bryant_

Feels the same to me.


prss79513

This made me laugh out loud and now the whole office know I'm on Reddit lol


-Tayne-

One book entitled "the Swedish Enlarger Pump and me: this sort of thing is my bag... baby." By Austin Powers.


Haha_1234567

Oh no. I guess that is one worry less for your friend.


Cronotyr

A cure for what killed me.


RabidDiabeetus

Type 1 diabetic here, yup. Every year feels closer to a cure and yet further from it being able to help me.


DaveBinM

Don't worry, it's only five years away! (As they've been saying for decades!)


RabidDiabeetus

The sun'll come out...


Ponchoreborn

A family friend has a disease that's sort of the opposite. Although, still no cure either. When she was a baby they told her parents probably she'd die before she started school. Then 10. Then 15. Then 20. Then 25. She's almost 50 now. She has lived her entire life on the cusp of the lifespan for people with her condition.


annnoyingness

Genius


Mynop

Doesn't matter, I'll be dead.


Terrik1337

"Ideally I'd like it just to say... nooooooo whyyyyyy nooooooo ahhhhhh. You can't write tears Jimmy" - Sean Lock.


MightyBobTheMighty

An absolute legend. I wonder if his other last wish has been honored yet. I haven't heard of anyone throwing his ashes in Piers Morgan's eyes so I guess not.


Aatman_Patel_447

True Chad


Pourquoi_Vivre

probably the best answer here


the-soaring-moa

All my journals.


Haha_1234567

Ask your loved ones to burn/bury them with you without opening them.


the-soaring-moa

I have...but I have trust issues. They might find my plans to become the totalitarian dictator of the world or open my own fromagerie.


Haha_1234567

I think you can still open your own fromagerie.


DeathofProtoman

Don’t sell them short, they could be the totalitarian dictator of the world. Perhaps through fromageries


Haha_1234567

Oh shit! I overlooked this aspect.


AManWithBinoculars

Mom always said, I can be what ever I put my mind too.


ForayIntoFillyloo

The solution is quite easy. At the end of each journal simply write "...just kidding". You could do it after every entry, but it saves a lot of time to just do it once at the end.


SourFix

That I'm actually two children in a trench coat.


throwaway-_-friend

Vincent?


Leolikessalsa2

Vincent was obviously an adult male, what do you mean?


Breadsticks305

Exactly, and he was great at business


residentweevil

He did a business, I heard.


FrancisNoU69

Those were three, I think


Weedrill2

Adultman


Glowingredremote

I’m three raccoons in a bathrobe.


AeJay2001

My personal diary


SarcasmManifest

Came to say this. I love writing but never kept a journal for this reason. The times I *tried* to keep a journal left me worried about who might read my thoughts and feelings if something happened to me, so I quit journaling altogether, which is kind of sad.


KoderKoala

My mom asked my dad not to read her journals if/when she died. He didn’t respect her wishes and gave me one of them. It was weird to read. A few of things that stood out to me: “at least my marriage has good sex” and “a good day is when I’m not constantly thinking about suicide.” I appreciate getting more insight into who she was and the struggles she went through but when I read that as a teen I didn’t know what to think. Moral of the story, don’t trust your spouse to burn before reading lol


Darthtomolok

I've had the same worries in the past. What I did was just create a new alphabet with completely different symbols so that I'm the only one who can read it.


Mug_o_parrot

If someone is motivated, just by looking at some common 3, 2, and 1 letter words: "the", "and", "I", "to", etc. (just that would be 8 letters with 4 vowels with a couple educated guesses; days of the week could potentially be another 8 letters), you can get a decent corpus and just work from there. You're better off just making your writing illegible, and/or in a different language.


tramb0poline

I did this as a kid and thought I was so clever, my dad peered over my shoulder for like ten seconds and figured out a few letters lol


Haha_1234567

Oh shit. This just got added to my list.


Puppie00

nice try fbi


JohnEbic

not today cia


ThePontiacBandits

Dirty tricks, MI6.


Dal3mma

No imposition from the Spanish Inquisition.


AtomicTemplar

I'm free KGB!


Marta_Valdez

Nice attempts at obscurity, Department of Homeland Security


ForayIntoFillyloo

I'm as innocent as a schoolmarm, dear Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms


SpecialMeasuresLore

Up your ass, IRS!


CattusChief55

Suck it, FNS.


Giant_maniac

Stay away, NSA!


Zintao

Lol Europol.


spamandmorespam

Go away,DEA


dorsalsk

I'm afraid they have nothing to discover.


Haha_1234567

I am sure there is something. Don't worry.


[deleted]

How much of a filthy sex fiend I was.


MAD_MAL1CE

I was tasked with clearing my granddads browsing history after he died. I knew he was a dirty ol man, but god damn. Anyway, his secrets die with me.


shenanighenz

Sorry I didn’t know my wife’s grandfather well enough. His secrets don’t die with me. He had pornos with “old chicks need big dicks” type vhs’s and a box full of dildos.


the-midnight-rider69

Maybe you should keep them, I know you’ve probably got a lot of sentimental feelings for them


shenanighenz

It’s been over 15 years since discovered this. Do sentimental feelings mean the same as “oh god I can’t let go of the feeling of my partners father walking into a room while I hold the box of these things and how fucking awkward.” Mean the same thing? Because sometimes I see a dildo and want to buy it for that reason


brentoid123

This right here. I feel like I live a good and healthy life. I spend my career helping others and I always try to be kind to all people. I always think of people at my funeral and hope they'd say awesome things but I mostly just worry about whoever gets to go through my phone and see how much porn I have saved. Its nothing too awful but I worry that others my think less of me since most people I know are more reserved with that kind of thing


[deleted]

Just destroy your phone before you die, simple


Tjeetje

I seriously heard about a girl that had labeled her box full of toys: please throw away without opening. You don’t want to see this. For het family in case she died and they had to clean her stuff.


Haha_1234567

Oh honey, we all are...


MrAmazing247

I used to be "Yeah we are all nasty" until my best friend told me he wanted to receive oral from a girl while taking a dump, then I realized we are not all the same nasty.


loyalAlchemist

That's just a good ol fashion blumpkin


EmbarrassedDurian

I fear and do not want to check if "blumpkin" is a existing term on Internet


deinoswyrd

Don't worry it is. And has been around for at least a decade


Epidemica13

Way longer. It was referenced in Role Models in 2008, and was around longer before that.


deinoswyrd

I just remember looking it up on urban dictionary as a teen after hearing that someone did it at work lol


Garruszek

Harold & Kumar was the first time i heard it and that was back in 2004 I believe? Might have been the sequel in 2008.


SinkTube

at least he didn't want to receive a dump from a girl while giving oral


MrAmazing247

I am not going to bring this scenario to his awareness, as it might spark a chain of events.


tehlemmings

Can confirm Source: filthy sex fiend


Nooranik21

That I've never been to Boston in the fall.


frightenedhugger

Maybe you shouldn't have been some pirate that never did anything


CableAskani41

Never licked a spark plug?


Itsbrohere

Small pp


Terrik1337

I don't imagine your casket will be that open.


the-peanut-gallery

Mine will be. Otherwise my massive pp won't fit.


Haha_1234567

As long as you and your partner/s are happy with it, who cares?


TheVeryElect

ah ok, in that case, small pp and the fact that neither me nor my partner/s were happy with it.


Lord_Waffles

:(


Somerset_Cowboy

My Warhammer, got back into it during lockdown and didn’t tell my girlfriend. It’s the one super nerdy thing that I do that I’m actually a little embarrassed about lol.


conipto

I took 20 years off, and when I was really sick a few years ago, on the way home from the hospital stopped in a game shop to try to find something to keep me busy while I recovered. Saw how incredible the new models had gotten, spend a hundred bucks on a kit and assload of paints and brushes, and went home and painted a dreadnought. My wife saw it and I was like, ah hell, here it comes, and she said "Wow, I had no idea you were such an artist, you should buy more of these!" Yeah, she fuckin regrets that now I bet.


JustAnotherZakuPilot

Lol I mean they’re going to find out soon enough with all the miniatures you’re going to continue to find.


OkPerspective7407

The password to “End of the World Files” which is a folder that just contains porn, backed up in all my devices, if the world goes to shit and I still have my phone, I better bust out the last one before nuclear death


[deleted]

What a plan that is... love it...


FinestTreesInDa7Seas

I always have 50gb+ of porn on my phone. I always imagine that some day I'll be in some kind of scenario like a plane crash on a remote island, or stuck 10,000m down in a mine-shaft with dozens of people. And I'll be the only person with a supply of porn, to get people through it all. And I'll use it to gain a leadership role, and I'll delay any hope of a rescue, to maintain my position of power.


supamario132

Damn, what phone do you have that you think you've got the battery power to last a whole political career?


eli_burdette

[This one.](https://www.theverge.com/platform/amp/circuitbreaker/2019/4/30/18522236/energizer-huge-battery-phone-p18k-pro-indiegogo-price-fail)


OkPerspective7407

You do know people could have sex themselves right?


turkasasin

Nonsense, if having sex was real i would have had one by now.


yellowearbuds

*Yes, hello? I'll have one sex please.*


morethanonefavorite

Sir, this is a Wendy’s


ASMR_ANTIVAX_ICU

not with that attitude


Dilyn

They crashed onto the Virgin Islands


Shgrien

That i'm secretly in love with Taylor Swift . I am happily married father of five .... And a metalhead 😐


SinkTube

>father of five .... And a metalhead your sixth child being a metalhead is no reason to disown him :(


octoriceball

It was a quiet service with only his closest friends and immediate family who dearly loved him. Everyone, all dressed respectfully in black, gathered around the grave site in the cemetery to watch the coffin lower into the ground. One by one, each of them threw in a white flower on top of the coffin. Before they could begin burying the flower covered coffin amidst quiet weeping, the squeal of tires on pavement cut through the quiet morning air. All in attendance turned their head to see a slim pale leg step out of a black car, followed by a petite form in a small black dress. The wavy-haired blond made her way next to the grave site and glanced at the tombstone. The funeral director didn't show a single hint of surprise at her presences and simply nodded at her. "Yes, we are ready," the funeral director said. "I never abandon my fans," the blond said passionately, fighting back tears. "Who are you?" an older man at the service asked, confused. The blond ignored the question and simply knelt next to the tombstone, which was blank and unmarked, on top the mound of dirt to be pushed over the coffin. She cleared her throat and tried to steady her voice. Stroking the unmarked tombstone, she sang on tune: "*I've got a blank space, baby.... and I'll write your name.*" "Thank you Taylor," the funeral director said. "Now we can put his name down." Before leaving, Taylor Swift gave one last look at the coffin. "I hope Shgrien liked that," she sighs. Misty eyed, the funeral director nodded, staring off into the sky. It was a beautiful day. "He can finally rest in peace."


El-ChuPugcabra

Came here for the laughs, stayed for the emotional breakdown you caused me. That was goddamn beautiful sir or madam, take my upvote, you’ve damn well earned it!


Different-Street-919

This is lovely


Haha_1234567

Now we all know. No need to fear anymore.


GlocknessMonster1997

Metal head here and I love Taytay


MrDalliardMrDalliard

Metalhead? MEtaLHeAD?!?!... Judas NO!


googlyevileye

Isn't everyone lol


youssefuo

Dont worry man. Im in love with her too


ImOD18

My 1TB HD Hentai Collection. I misplaced that Hard Drive. If I dont find it Out Before my death and Destroy it, I can't REST IN PEACE.


firefalcon1214

i did this for real with a samsung 850 evo. it was 250gb, filled to the brim. i have a feeling my dad already found it and either hasn’t opened anything on it or hasn’t said anything.


ImOD18

Mine was a Seagate 1TB HardDrive. Space was 984 GB and it was filled 877 GB. And its really true. When we Shifted House. It got misplaced in a box. I am looking for it from 3 monthes now. It was not only Hentai. But maximum of it was.


_Edvartsen_

If you find it again make sure to encrypt the harddrive! Then it wont matter if its misplaced


firefalcon1214

you expect me to know how to do that?


Alive-Contact9147

Google.


Teddymario4

Do you know how fucking big 1tb is


AlienFreek

_HD_


tlr92

When no one shows up to my funeral, and they realize I actually had no friends or people that care.


PepperBotis

Me, face down, with a pair of pants absolutely FILLED with poops


diego111234

How absolutely miserable I’ve been in my life. All the pain ive carried with me through the years. I’ve been good at keeping up with social activities, work, relationships, etc. and seeming happy. but it would break my moms heart to know how long I’ve suffered.


[deleted]

I recently told my mother about my depression that I had a few years ago. She obviously knew, and talking about it, explaining the sheer pain and suffering I went through got her really emotional and sad. But after I explained how I experienced the present, how my image of the world have changed and my mindset with, it felt worth it. I dont wanna see my mom sad. Telling her about how I (as a consequence of what I went through) dont wanna have children, made her just that. But really trying to explain why made her atleast understand. It felt worth it in the end. Atleast Im being honest and staying open :)


Destro_nf

Wow this sounds like a 1:1 replica of my experience. I recently told my mom about my sexual abuse and why i fear women and it broke her heart. Now i feel like a dick because she blames herself.


Haha_1234567

You got it. It's not too late. You are strong enough to face and come out of your misery. May I recommend therapy?


diego111234

Already enrolled in therapy, I don’t plan on ending my life. I’ve been in therapy for 8+ years & have been on multiple different medications for MDD, none of which have worked. I’m still kicking, and plan to for a long while to come. It’s just if I died suddenly from something random like a car accident or anything. It would be upsetting to have my family know just how sad I was.


SarcasmManifest

I’m actually afraid to keep a journal for this reason.


indigo_pirate

How would they find out your sadness?


Haha_1234567

A paper cutout of a voluptuous lady that I stashed somewhere in my house but couldn't find for the life of me. It has been 5 years and no luck yet.


a-manic-ferret

^(she has gained sentience and is living in your walls)


Oregon_Oregano

The font size made me laugh out loud


ForayIntoFillyloo

Almost as if the voice were muffled by a layer of sheet rock and paint...


ElectronicHospital

If I'm dead why should I worry?


Haha_1234567

I don't know. The image that you would leave on others about yourself?


Nadarama

That I commented on shitposts.


Haha_1234567

So, you want me to check out your profile?


Nadarama

Aaaa! Nevermind


Kaboop

my collection of huge dildos It gives me anxiety that if i die before my parents they'll have to discover that their son has over 15 gigantic dildos, so I gave a trusted friend an extra key to my place and told him about the box under my bed and should I ever die unexpectedly to destroy the contents of that box.


Aggravating_Ad5989

Your friend is going to be so tempted to get himself invited to your house so he can open that box. Once opened he'll tell your entire friend group and you'll forever be the butt end of dildo jokes (pun intended). You will forever regret telling him about your hidden box.


Kaboop

Nah he knows I'm into freaky shit, he's a hetero dude but we're really open about sex and sexuality and stuff. He gave me a giant fist shaped "dildo" for christmas last year! Didn't open that one in front of my parents. btw i do not use it both because it is comically gigantic, even for me, and also because it is made with PVC, i only use silicone toys. It was a joke gift.


SinkTube

>Didn't open that one in front of my parents "no mom it's just a brofist. you know the youtuber pewdiepie... actually no i'd rather admit it's a dildo"


Lord_Waffles

Haha This reminds me of a time that I purchased a giant dildo and used it to assault my friend (not *too* violently), as any good friend should do, but years later he had a date with a guy and he spam texts me in a panic asking if I could break into his house and cleanup his room. He had left a bunch of his toys and stuff all over the bed not expecting to end up taking this guy home. So I broke in, which was fun, and to there on the bed with some other things laid this massive dildo in all it's glory. ...ah good times


Haha_1234567

May I ask what is the purpose of so many?


RationalMeatPopsicle

He likes to party.


Kaboop

Sometimes you want a textured and thick dildo, sometimes you want a long and slick dildo, sometimes a hard one sometimes a soft one. Also cause I like to party


TobiasMasonPark

This almost read like a Dr. Seuss book.


a-manic-ferret

One Dildo, Two Dildo, Red Dildo, Blue Dildo, Thin Dildo, Thick Dildo, Rough Dildo, Slick Dildo, This one has a nice flared base. This one looks a different race! This one can reach very far, Look how many Dildos there are!


ellenitha

I'm very sad that I already gave away my free award for this is the most award-worthy post I've seen today.


Curious-Attention-20

Blue eggs and ham


Crimbly_B

Spares, so he can set up a bowling alley when the mood strikes him.


Kaboop

and my asshole is the bowling ball


_hic-sunt-dracones_

Wasn't this in one episode of "queer as folk"?


Tamtumtam

hope it goes alright and you don't, you know, die


PopInTheToast

I fear one day people will discover my fanfictions on wattpad.. I could never find the password for it and i couldn't log back in.. Edit: Lol thank you so much for the comments. I wrote fanfics on wattpad when I was 13. I still write but it's much better. I wish I could tell myself that whatever I put out on the internet is going to be out there forever. Also WRITE DOWN YOUR GOSH DARN PASSWORDS


thefuzzybunny1

My mom found out I wrote fan fiction, somewhere around 2013. Her reaction? "Is your stuff smut? Because E.L. James is getting rich, and you should too." That's when I realized that writing mediocre fanfic is not weird or embarrassing. It's what writers do. And there are awful writers who still publish!


RB_Kehlani

You know what this comment should be higher up because it’s so damn inspiring. What’s that quote about how you should never hold yourself back because there’s someone out there confidently being way more mediocre than you are and getting paid for it…


Rogurzz

My search history.


brechbillc1

I can’t wait to see what some elections are going to look like in the next 15 to 20 years. You know people are gonna try and dig up their opponent’s internet history to see what kind of fucked up porn they watched when they were 20 years old and air that shit out like dirty laundry. It’s gonna be an absolute shitshow, way more than it already is.


MrAmazing247

I raise you that this has been tradition forever, and anyone approaching this positions or garnering them is under the cape of constant blackmail. Just a new means now, that captures everyone even before they get to the show.


namery0

Always hear this but what exactly in your history would you be embarrassed about. I know porn but what specifically?


reallyrelevanttothis

The words i should have known how to spell.


tehlemmings

The number of times I've googled the word wierd... One forum I use flags both ie and ei as a spelling error. I survive of spell check, so that gets me every time.


SinisterDuck97

i take it you *didnt* google weird before writing this comment? (also a little trick i use is i before e except after C, but weird is weird, because it doesn’t follow that rule) Edit: realized how aggressive this comment looked after posting it, sorry mate just trying to help


tehlemmings

I wrote that on my phone. Apparently I've gotten it wrong so often that Google now assumes that's how I meant to spell it =(


Sir_Hcx

The fact that you got it wrong made it so much better! Thanks for making my night random internet stranger


tehlemmings

... I've apparently gottten it wrong so many times that my autocorrect put it in wrong. I've lost control of my life.


reddospore

I'm Filipino but don't understand any words in Filipino. so it's basically 80% of my search history just to translate Filipino to English.


NOBLESUBSCRIBER

Same here dude


w1987g

If you play D&D, the search history gets... weird


phoenix27426

Nugget porn


Deltexterity

weiiird fetish stuff


TheB3ARguy

That my life had no significant impact on this planet or society and I wasted 27 years of my life for nothing...


Haha_1234567

In my eyes, you are significant. Stay strong. I am sure, everything will turn around for you.


Curthbert

The fact they don't even miss me


DeadMemeMordred

Cat girl girlfriends


Snoo_63187

My porn. All my filthy filthy porn.


Theoretical_Girls

A will to live


Heavyaura

My fetish history.


amitilin2000

My life size danny de vito sex doll


Haha_1234567

Does it bring you happiness?


PeachyPocketPenguin

I think the question you're looking for is "Does it spark joy?"


[deleted]

This Reddit account and all the porn I comment on.


Haha_1234567

Shameless plug I see.


fishbowl0797

I looked and I just want to say what I’m the everlasting name of fuck


RIB_Pirate

How many times I've shit my pants as an adult


Stardread1997

How to bring me back I guess


CrabPplCrabPpl

The cure for whatever killed me


vieniaida

Leather fetish


epicurious_aussie

That I achieved nothing of significance.


youngsyr

Genuinely: so what? On the cosmic level, no one achieves anything of significance.


UglyBagon

My underwear :(


TroyF3

A way to live longer


googlyeyes93

I’ve been hiding it from a lot of people that I’m actually just a hive mind of rats in a large trench coat impersonating someone. It’s getting harder and harder to keep the charade up each day but goddammit I have to keep going. For them. For my children and the family I love. I will remain here for you, a massive blob of rats- but your father, nonetheless.