T O P

If Jeff Bezos become an actual supervillain then who would be the superhero to stop him?

If Jeff Bezos become an actual supervillain then who would be the superhero to stop him?

brendanjones

Tom from MySpace


Frodafett

That’s why you don’t hear from him anymore he’s in a cave somewhere developing the most bad ass monster truck that can also fly, waiting for the day to come out of the tall grass and rain hell on that Cayou looking son of deserter!


SilverLightning926

The prophecy states he will return when the world needs him the most


Xiniov

Tom from MySpace was able to build this…in a cave…with a BOX OF SCRAPS


John_Martin_II

Yes sir, but we aren't Tom from MySpace


RuckinFutz

"Tom, we need you to come out of retirement to beat Jeff Bezos!" "I gave up that life. I'm retired." "Yeah.. that's why I said come OUT of retirement." "...You son of a bitch, I'm in."


matlynar

"Tom. We need you." "No one needs me." "***I*** need you. You were my friend. My only friend" *Sad song plays. Flash back to a fresh MySpace profile with only Tom as a friend.*


FacelessPoet

His only friend in MySpace left him, so now he's on a quest for revenge?


EveFluff

His ex wife


mehbloop

Definitely MacKenzie Scott.


stares_at_rain

She already has such a great superhero name.


looseleafnz

She already has half his money/power so is the obvious choice.


datahoarderx2018

Although she’s giving a lot of it away already: >**MacKenzie Scott Gives Away Another $2.74 Billion Even as Her Wealth Grows** > >*Ms. Scott made a new round of grants, to 286 organizations. Her net worth, which Forbes estimates at $60 billion, keeps rising, thanks to Amazon stock.* > >https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/15/business/mackenzie-scott-philanthropy.html - >**MacKenzie Scott donates $4.2 billion to 384 organizations** > >https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/15/business/mackenzie-scott-charity-donations-trnd/index.html


GastricallyStretched

It really puts the ridiculous scale of Jeff's wealth into perspective when his ex-wife alone is able to throw around *billions* into charitable causes.


Dragonsoul

While still getting richer


Saoirse-on-Thames

I think even with this you’re downplaying it. That first headline, saying “another” is just about what she’s given this year!


AinoNaviovaat

She gave a donation even to my uni!


ssfgrgawer

Florida Man


Over-Analyzed

That’s the US Antihero, Deadpool incarnate.


ems_telegram

The thing is that deadpool can quickly recover from his wounds while Florida Man simply ignores the fact that he is mortally wounded. After the battle he'll sit down and brag about the aloe plant he's grown by his back patio and rub some of it on where his forearm used to be.


LimousineAndAPeetzah

And when he dies, a new Florida Man is born. That’s way he always getting eaten by alligators, only to show up the following week to be arrested for trying to blow up a giant concrete orange.


Aries_cz

I think more likely scenario is that the actual Florida Man is a wandering spirit, and upon death of one host, seeks another


1km5

Tis' but a scratch


QBin2017

Nailed it


CurlSagan

Obviously, we need to create an opposite clone called Beff Jezos and have them touch so they cancel each other out.


VegaSpec

And he's $200 billion in debt.


CurlSagan

I like that. We'll build Beff Jezos by transferring all our student debt to him until he's anti-wealthy. Once he is laden with other people's financial sins, he can die a martyr like Jesus—Beff Jezos. The script practically writes itself.


OhJohnBoy

He was just an ordinary man, until he was bitten by a radioactive recent-college-grad-who-funded-college with-loans-and-now-cant-get-a-job-bc-not-enough experience. The reaction caused all the world's debt to magnetically implode into his body. When he woke up he looked into a mirror and realized....he was now Beff Jezos. Watch him as he slings debt from his hands! He can bankrupt a solvent business with a single glance! And yes ladies, he has a lush, full, erect hairline that will leave you weak in the knees. Beff Jezos!


PleaseRecharge

200 billion debt or more Born in 1984 Beffery Beffery Jezos


khornflakes529

Come on Beffrey You can do it Throw your mountain of debt into it.


ThatOtherGuyTPM

Tell us why, Show us how, Jeff is where you came from- Look at you now


Bobblewood

Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet, Parasites can fucking shut it, Suck their wealth, Drain their blood, COME ON, BEFFERY, BEHEAD 'EM!


Upnorth4

Queue a meme montage of Beff Jezos Lazer zapping Zuckerberg, Gates, and Buffet with the caption "Begone Thot"


solidspacedragon

I feel like a mountain of cash implies a trench of debt. In this case, the Mariana trench.


Bahamut20

You did it! Congratulations!


Gbrusse

You can't get enough awards for this.


SomeRandomGuy2711

Muckerberg, Gill Bates and Wuffet amateurs can suck and fuck it Come on Beffery Do it!


damonoribello

Wuck their flies Bluck their sud Come on Beff, GETEM!


cabinoose

TEGEM*


Specialist_Ad_1402

He can extend his hair and use it like rope to swing from building to building


conquer69

Or to attack people, like Sindel from Mortal Kombat 3.


ChrisTravern

He shoots finger guns at ladies and publicly proclaimed that he'll put some dirt in Jeff Bezos' eye


Kongbuck

You know the old saying, "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem."


Houseplant666

If you owe the bank 200 billion, it’s everyone’s problem!


Werespider

Jezos Christ


Pelo_del_perro

Jezos of Amazareth


Werejackal93

Not only are our names kinda similar. I literally was about to comment the exact same thing!


Bigboipants72

r/shippingredditors


omimon

That is literally the plot of Margaritaville, Kyle takes up the debt of everyone and then gets sacrificed.


Pripus

That's already written. South Park Margaritaville, Kyle gets an Amex and pays for everybody's debt.


mosskin-woast

If a large amount of debt is a superpower consider me Dr. Manhattan


SmiffyWalldorf

Or worse, it ends up creating his ultimate form; Bjeff Bjezos


shiiitmaaan

But Bjeff Bjezos is just a really average Swedish dude who lives on the outskirts of town eating pickled herring


Pulpics

Häy! Thät’s räcist!


BlackfishBlues

What're you gonna do about it møøse bøy? Bite my sister?


Pulpics

Häy! It’s mööse böy thänk yöu väry much!


Fisto-the-sex-robot

Møøse bøy - norwegian Mööse böy - swedish Møøsæ bøæ - danish


phantompoo

Buff Jezos An immigrant powered the amount of tax Jeff fails to pay.


Aggressive-Log9165

give Beff 4 feet of hair


dummypod

You'll need stand powers like D4C.


lazy_and_hyperactive

Bro, Jeff Bezos is actually a Lex Luthor variant.


SpaceCrom

So, a very strong illegal immigrant will take him down.


cold_shot_27

Not illegal but Shaq just said Giannis could call himself Superman now.


YoungMuppet

Dwight Howard has entered the chat. ...aaaand he just fouled out.


TheBokononInitiative

References are tight!


silliputti0907

I fucking love this thread


Ultrabadger

To put things into perspective, Jeff Bezos (net worth $198 billion) is 1.5 million times wealthier than the median American (net worth $128 thousand)...never mind the median human on Earth. If we scale the physical prowess of a normal human by 1.5 million, we'd get superhuman ability. If an average person can run at 10 mph, then this superhuman could run at 15 million mph. That's almost 20,000 times the speed of sound! Faster than a speeding bullet indeed! Similarly, if a normal human can jump 16 inches, then this superhuman can jump 24 million inches (2 million ft). That's almost 70 times the height of Mount Everest. Can also leap tall buildings in a single bound!


Manos_Of_Fate

I think you would actually need to account for the differing energy levels required to continue accelerating at different speeds. The faster you go, the more energy it takes to go just a little faster.


Duel_Loser

Is there case law for if an infant drifts ashore and only has a note declaring that it came from another country that can't be contacted?


SeiCalros

you dont need a law that specific if they cannot be deported then theyre refugees rather than illegal immigrants if the situation changes and it becomes possible to deport them they may lose their legal status


TheKira87

Variant you say? Time to prune him.


TooManyAnts

he literally funded two shows about how superman is an asshole


supermikefun

Invincible and the boys right?


stick_always_wins

yessir


2020won

So you’re saying Jesse Eisenberg


SpaceJackRabbit

Who played Zuckerberg. It all makes sense now.


Guildenpants

He's worse than lex. Lexcorp pays really well and offers great benefits IIRC


She_Plays

For real. He keeps his workers too poor to maintain a healthy standard of life, then thanks them for his chode space ship toy. He has the ability to be a superhero himself but he's a pathetic wealth hoarding narc with a bullied nerd origin story.


Surly__Duff

A homeless man with a knife


ramen_ai

That's the way it should be


CausticSofa

I like my justice to be poetic


DeCodurr

Shouldn’t it be an Amazon employee to make it truly poetic? The thing that built him his wealth is the one that ended him.


damonoribello

An amazon employee who makes a shank out of the bottle they peed in.


CaveiraIsHotAF

+2 poison damage


Professor-SEO_DE

Yes but we all know lizards have poison resistance.


kieyrofl

resistance, not immunity though. He will still take damage


Professor-SEO_DE

You are right. The lizard class is not 100% resistant to poison. Luckily, the "Greater Shank of Retribution" has bleed status effects as well. If it doesn't land a critical hit, it will still do 10 dps over 10 minutes.


mikeyglo

Water board him with the bottled pee


[deleted]

The murder weapon would be a knife ordered of Amazon


SoundlessScream

What about a homless amazon employee who wasn't paid enough to survive, but has a knife?


RedditorGuy24601

A homeless Amazon employee that can’t afford housing.


CausticSofa

With some Amazon shipping box fashioned into a shiv. I’m tickled by either plot twist.


SwimmaLBC

I like my poets to be justicars


Coronado5

It would be Bernie Sanders with a, what's that? A chair and mittens?!!!


QuinnActually03

> BUT WHO'S THIS - BERNIE WITH A STEEL CHAIR?!


craftsta

HE IS ONCE AGAIN ASKING TO LAY THE SMACKDOWN


Kermits_MiddleFinger

Good God Almighty, Bernie Killed Him! As God Is My Witness he Is Broken In Half!


BlasterShow

Bah gawd that’s Bernie’s music!


TheSnarkySlickPrick2

Sanders bashing Bezos's smooth noggin in with a bloodied steel chair, would be a spectacle for the ages


StinkyKittyBreath

Some people from a homeless camp have been throwing large, heavy rocks at cars going onto the highway in Seattle. Maybe they're practicing for Bezos.


tims69952

Homeless man with a dildo bought from Amazon.


Zer0Knight9960

*Chucks dildo at car* sticks to windshield


notaspy_0

Jojo?


Inn3rali3n

All Amazon and whole foods employees rising up at once into one giant Mecha-borg


donnymioli

Otherwise known as a union


lxxTBonexxl

We are Union


Viiibrations

Why stop there? All proles rise up!


LordAntarctica

Even Washington Post staff should write a publish editorial on how ducked up that is


GolfBaller17

This should be the answer. Who's gonna stop him? ALL OF US!


coffeepi

IRS Man.


ReplyingToFuckwits

Union man


Jalien85

Or a guy who just calls himself "The Guillotine".


Vivid-Cardiologist-3

austin powers


manydoorsyes

"Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes! Ay, comrades?" "Austin...we won." "Oh groovy, smashing, yay capitalism..."


Amphibutter

this was one of my favorite lines EVER


fucknametakenrules

Exactly what I thought. Dick shaped rocket, bald, has minions doing all the work for him


cstobler

A little known fact about Jeff Bezos was that his father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. His mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. His father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. His childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring they’d make meat helmets. When he was insolent he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 he received his first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved his testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking.


cold_shot_27

Pretty standard really…


Aggressive-Log9165

groooovy baby, yeah!


edward_r_burrow

Do I make you rrrrandy baby yeah?


BillyTheSexyRedneck

Smashing.


Link-Floyd

His optimistic cousin, Mr. Clean.


Shmankman

Ahhh, Johnny Sins.


trimtab28

Someone with a full head of incredible hair... idk, maybe Elvis resurrected from the dead? I'm at a loss for individuals known for their coiffure


aysurcouf

Fabio


Callmedrexl

I'd watch that!


donkeylipswhenshaven

C’mon Weird Al!


ApexInTheRough

Conan O'Brien


Dysthymike

[He's already got a supersuit ready to go.](https://external-preview.redd.it/Ng1iJkrKh8eAAAV5R3vltNvu8pIhL1sxfKplKPZ1B9I.png?auto=webp&s=1e28eb8274b747530c83000a839c4aaa40aebc05)


Manos_Of_Fate

Stupid sexy Conan O’Brien!


SuperStarPlatinum

All Might


nilgnauh

Bob Ross


SmokeyAlien420

So.... Bruce Campbell?


witchy_chan

Dolly Parton Edit: All these fricking awards, but I have no celebrity knowledge. Thanks!


idiot-prodigy

Bezos started his empire by selling books online. Dolly gives books to kids for free. This is the winner right here!


JMCochransmind

I currently receive Dolly books for my daughter. She loves them and I think it's an amazing thing.


Clemsontigerjoe

When my daughter was sick, their representatives found us in the hospital to sign us up for free books. We still get them and love their positivity. She’s definitely a light for good.


MelancholyWookie

Only pure light can fight pure darkness.


The_Lost_Google_User

Is her theme song “9 to 5”?


[deleted]

Workin' 9 to 5, What a way to make a livin' Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin' They just use your mind And they never give you credit It's enough to drive you crazy If you let it


DueEntertainer0

100%


Blueofficechair

Is there a way to bring back bob ross?


gerbegerger

We need to rebuild him better than ever. RoboRoss, one Bob to rule them all.


MelE1

RoBobRoss


xraydeltaone

Part man. Part machine. All Bob. ROBOBROSS!


KaiBluePill

H E R E W E H A V E L I T T L E H A P P Y T R E E DATA ERROR - LOG MISSING CANNOT INITIATE NORMAL ROUTINE INITIATE PROGRAM: DESTROY EVIL CORPORATIONS


Burgoonius

"I been programmed to...BEAT THE DEVIL OUT OF JEFF BEZO'S"


kelsleo12

No. We need a Bob Ross, Mr. Rogers, Steve Irwin hybrid to bring down captain dick rocket.


roadtrip-ne

The Librarian


zofro8

That chick that sold her nudes to raise money for the Australian wildfires.


wiffleplop

What do you mean, if?


Green_Leader_Edd

I believe OP means "when"


TheComedicComedian

Whaddya mean, "when"?


HairyClefairy

Bro hands down MacKenzie Scott, his ex-wife. I can totally see the comic book, Jeff becomes full on lex Luther in his mech suit and MacKenzie Scott goes full Ironman to stop him using his own money


SadEndorphin

Bo Burnham


GrepekEbi

🎶 CEO ENTREPRENEUR, BORN IN 1964 🎶


crunchyhumans

JEFFERYY, JEFFERY BEZOOOS 👏🏼👏🏼


zach_da_bossss

COME ON JEFFERY, YOU CAN DO IT


patrochilless

FUCK THEIR WIVES, DRINK THEIR BLOOD


blartifast

C'MON, JEFF - GET 'EM!


Troggie42

*wicked synth-guitar solo*


arzthaus

PAVE THE WAY, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT


GrepekEbi

Tell us why, show us how, look where you came from look at you now!


Oswald_15

*The world needs direction* *From a white guy like me* Bingo!


pandapio

Betty White.


Blu_Razz

The other 99%


FromNasa

Beff Jezos obviously.


ziggybobiggy

Which is an Amazonian translation meaning Beef Jesus


Aldebaran_syzygy

An Amazon Employee who was down on his luck gets fired and humiliated after he peed his pants on duty. He plots for years, saves money, studies finance, start up a disruptor company that devours Amazon's market share. After a decade, his company lives long enough to become the villain; a maltreated employee plots to disrupt his industry and the cycle goes on...


TimmyOTule

Jeff goldblum


francesco_on_the_job

Lenin coming back to life like in that simpsons' episode.


Commisar_Sanders_

~~Jeff's spaceship~~ our spaceship


tadence

“Must. Crush. Capitalism.”


Darmok47

Or [Tim Curry's character from Command & Conquer.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1Sq1Nr58hM)


Dave3786

[Mad Marx](https://existentialcomics.com/comic/186)


Hopper-1986

The tax man.


SomeGuyInSanJoseCa

Irwin R. Schyster EDIT: For those that aren't aware of the awesomeness of Wrestling's IRS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NpGYJLZfMg He was basically a wrestler that would body slam you for not paying your taxes in the ring.


ThatSundressLife

An Avengers style ensemble of big names but good people, like Keanu Reeves and Dolly Parton


the_bacon_fairie

Oh I like this. Can we throw in Bindi Irwin, Nick Offerman, and Will Smith?


SongZhenLi2003

The Proletariat.


mrwitch

Dolly Parton


Retrac752

Bo Burnham


ziggybobiggy

Making a literal difference, metaphorically


[deleted]

He is an actual supervillain. A union rep


UglyCuteHandsomeBoy

Imagine a laid off Amazon warehouse union rep goes to space with NASA spaceship program.


Bobokay12

He's a villain, just not a very super one. Not yet at least


DudeFromSaudi

Fred Durst.


chadbot3k

came here to say Florida Man and Fred Durst is from Florida, safe to say Fred Durst's alias could just be Florida Man


Majik_Sheff

This... I need to ponder this.


Icon2405

Maybe the real nookie was the friends he made along the way


Greenbeen70

Thomas the train


NoRedditorHere

the guy who builds the guillotines


Waste_Business5180

The Rock for sure


2020won

Now we know why he has made so movies in the jungle…as training for his final showdown with Bezos at his secret hideout in the Amazon Rainforest.


Shoreline_Fog

Can I turn this into a writing prompt?


ThanosCar012

Oh please do


cbr_001

People’s elbow from the top rope of the stratosphere.


Snowymoose92

If Jeff bezos became a villain Bo Burnham would just delete Bezos I and he would just die


KoalaKam212

CEO ENTREPRENEUR BORN IN 1964 JEFFREY JEFFREY BEZOS