If Jeff Bezos become an actual supervillain then who would be the superhero to stop him?
By - Bobokay12
Tom from MySpace
That’s why you don’t hear from him anymore he’s in a cave somewhere developing the most bad ass monster truck that can also fly, waiting for the day to come out of the tall grass and rain hell on that Cayou looking son of deserter!
The prophecy states he will return when the world needs him the most
Tom from MySpace was able to build this…in a cave…with a BOX OF SCRAPS
Yes sir, but we aren't Tom from MySpace
"Tom, we need you to come out of retirement to beat Jeff Bezos!"
"I gave up that life. I'm retired."
"Yeah.. that's why I said come OUT of retirement."
"...You son of a bitch, I'm in."
"Tom. We need you."
"No one needs me."
"***I*** need you. You were my friend. My only friend"
*Sad song plays. Flash back to a fresh MySpace profile with only Tom as a friend.*
His only friend in MySpace left him, so now he's on a quest for revenge?
His ex wife
Definitely MacKenzie Scott.
She already has such a great superhero name.
She already has half his money/power so is the obvious choice.
Although she’s giving a lot of it away already:
>**MacKenzie Scott Gives Away Another $2.74 Billion Even as Her Wealth Grows**
>*Ms. Scott made a new round of grants, to 286 organizations. Her net worth, which Forbes estimates at $60 billion, keeps rising, thanks to Amazon stock.*
>**MacKenzie Scott donates $4.2 billion to 384 organizations**
It really puts the ridiculous scale of Jeff's wealth into perspective when his ex-wife alone is able to throw around *billions* into charitable causes.
While still getting richer
I think even with this you’re downplaying it. That first headline, saying “another” is just about what she’s given this year!
She gave a donation even to my uni!
That’s the US Antihero, Deadpool incarnate.
The thing is that deadpool can quickly recover from his wounds while Florida Man simply ignores the fact that he is mortally wounded.
After the battle he'll sit down and brag about the aloe plant he's grown by his back patio and rub some of it on where his forearm used to be.
And when he dies, a new Florida Man is born. That’s way he always getting eaten by alligators, only to show up the following week to be arrested for trying to blow up a giant concrete orange.
I think more likely scenario is that the actual Florida Man is a wandering spirit, and upon death of one host, seeks another
Tis' but a scratch
Obviously, we need to create an opposite clone called Beff Jezos and have them touch so they cancel each other out.
And he's $200 billion in debt.
I like that. We'll build Beff Jezos by transferring all our student debt to him until he's anti-wealthy. Once he is laden with other people's financial sins, he can die a martyr like Jesus—Beff Jezos. The script practically writes itself.
He was just an ordinary man, until he was bitten by a radioactive recent-college-grad-who-funded-college with-loans-and-now-cant-get-a-job-bc-not-enough experience. The reaction caused all the world's debt to magnetically implode into his body. When he woke up he looked into a mirror and realized....he was now Beff Jezos. Watch him as he slings debt from his hands! He can bankrupt a solvent business with a single glance! And yes ladies, he has a lush, full, erect hairline that will leave you weak in the knees. Beff Jezos!
200 billion debt or more
Born in 1984
Come on Beffrey
You can do it
Throw your mountain of debt into it.
Tell us why,
Show us how,
Jeff is where you came from-
Look at you now
Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet,
Parasites can fucking shut it,
Suck their wealth,
Drain their blood,
COME ON, BEFFERY, BEHEAD 'EM!
Queue a meme montage of Beff Jezos Lazer zapping Zuckerberg, Gates, and Buffet with the caption "Begone Thot"
I feel like a mountain of cash implies a trench of debt. In this case, the Mariana trench.
You did it! Congratulations!
You can't get enough awards for this.
Muckerberg, Gill Bates and Wuffet amateurs can suck and fuck it
Come on Beffery
Wuck their flies
Bluck their sud
Come on Beff, GETEM!
He can extend his hair and use it like rope to swing from building to building
Or to attack people, like Sindel from Mortal Kombat 3.
He shoots finger guns at ladies and publicly proclaimed that he'll put some dirt in Jeff Bezos' eye
You know the old saying, "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem."
If you owe the bank 200 billion, it’s everyone’s problem!
Jezos of Amazareth
Not only are our names kinda similar. I literally was about to comment the exact same thing!
That is literally the plot of Margaritaville, Kyle takes up the debt of everyone and then gets sacrificed.
That's already written. South Park Margaritaville, Kyle gets an Amex and pays for everybody's debt.
If a large amount of debt is a superpower consider me Dr. Manhattan
Or worse, it ends up creating his ultimate form; Bjeff Bjezos
But Bjeff Bjezos is just a really average Swedish dude who lives on the outskirts of town eating pickled herring
Häy! Thät’s räcist!
What're you gonna do about it møøse bøy? Bite my sister?
Häy! It’s mööse böy thänk yöu väry much!
Møøse bøy - norwegian
Mööse böy - swedish
Møøsæ bøæ - danish
An immigrant powered the amount of tax Jeff fails to pay.
give Beff 4 feet of hair
You'll need stand powers like D4C.
Bro, Jeff Bezos is actually a Lex Luthor variant.
So, a very strong illegal immigrant will take him down.
Not illegal but Shaq just said Giannis could call himself Superman now.
Dwight Howard has entered the chat.
...aaaand he just fouled out.
References are tight!
I fucking love this thread
To put things into perspective, Jeff Bezos (net worth $198 billion) is 1.5 million times wealthier than the median American (net worth $128 thousand)...never mind the median human on Earth.
If we scale the physical prowess of a normal human by 1.5 million, we'd get superhuman ability. If an average person can run at 10 mph, then this superhuman could run at 15 million mph. That's almost 20,000 times the speed of sound! Faster than a speeding bullet indeed!
Similarly, if a normal human can jump 16 inches, then this superhuman can jump 24 million inches (2 million ft). That's almost 70 times the height of Mount Everest. Can also leap tall buildings in a single bound!
I think you would actually need to account for the differing energy levels required to continue accelerating at different speeds. The faster you go, the more energy it takes to go just a little faster.
Is there case law for if an infant drifts ashore and only has a note declaring that it came from another country that can't be contacted?
you dont need a law that specific
if they cannot be deported then theyre refugees rather than illegal immigrants
if the situation changes and it becomes possible to deport them they may lose their legal status
Variant you say? Time to prune him.
he literally funded two shows about how superman is an asshole
Invincible and the boys right?
So you’re saying Jesse Eisenberg
Who played Zuckerberg. It all makes sense now.
He's worse than lex. Lexcorp pays really well and offers great benefits IIRC
For real. He keeps his workers too poor to maintain a healthy standard of life, then thanks them for his chode space ship toy. He has the ability to be a superhero himself but he's a pathetic wealth hoarding narc with a bullied nerd origin story.
A homeless man with a knife
That's the way it should be
I like my justice to be poetic
Shouldn’t it be an Amazon employee to make it truly poetic? The thing that built him his wealth is the one that ended him.
An amazon employee who makes a shank out of the bottle they peed in.
+2 poison damage
Yes but we all know lizards have poison resistance.
resistance, not immunity though.
He will still take damage
You are right. The lizard class is not 100% resistant to poison. Luckily, the "Greater Shank of Retribution" has bleed status effects as well. If it doesn't land a critical hit, it will still do 10 dps over 10 minutes.
Water board him with the bottled pee
The murder weapon would be a knife ordered of Amazon
What about a homless amazon employee who wasn't paid enough to survive, but has a knife?
A homeless Amazon employee that can’t afford housing.
With some Amazon shipping box fashioned into a shiv. I’m tickled by either plot twist.
I like my poets to be justicars
It would be Bernie Sanders with a, what's that? A chair and mittens?!!!
> BUT WHO'S THIS - BERNIE WITH A STEEL CHAIR?!
HE IS ONCE AGAIN ASKING TO LAY THE SMACKDOWN
Good God Almighty, Bernie Killed Him!
As God Is My Witness he Is Broken In Half!
Bah gawd that’s Bernie’s music!
Sanders bashing Bezos's smooth noggin in with a bloodied steel chair, would be a spectacle for the ages
Some people from a homeless camp have been throwing large, heavy rocks at cars going onto the highway in Seattle. Maybe they're practicing for Bezos.
Homeless man with a dildo bought from Amazon.
*Chucks dildo at car* sticks to windshield
All Amazon and whole foods employees rising up at once into one giant Mecha-borg
Otherwise known as a union
We are Union
Why stop there? All proles rise up!
Even Washington Post staff should write a publish editorial on how ducked up that is
This should be the answer. Who's gonna stop him? ALL OF US!
Or a guy who just calls himself "The Guillotine".
"Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes! Ay, comrades?"
"Oh groovy, smashing, yay capitalism..."
this was one of my favorite lines EVER
Exactly what I thought. Dick shaped rocket, bald, has minions doing all the work for him
A little known fact about Jeff Bezos was that his father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. His mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. His father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. His childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring they’d make meat helmets. When he was insolent he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 he received his first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved his testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking.
Pretty standard really…
groooovy baby, yeah!
Do I make you rrrrandy baby yeah?
His optimistic cousin, Mr. Clean.
Ahhh, Johnny Sins.
Someone with a full head of incredible hair... idk, maybe Elvis resurrected from the dead? I'm at a loss for individuals known for their coiffure
I'd watch that!
C’mon Weird Al!
[He's already got a supersuit ready to go.](https://external-preview.redd.it/Ng1iJkrKh8eAAAV5R3vltNvu8pIhL1sxfKplKPZ1B9I.png?auto=webp&s=1e28eb8274b747530c83000a839c4aaa40aebc05)
Stupid sexy Conan O’Brien!
So.... Bruce Campbell?
Dolly Parton Edit: All these fricking awards, but I have no celebrity knowledge. Thanks!
Bezos started his empire by selling books online. Dolly gives books to kids for free. This is the winner right here!
I currently receive Dolly books for my daughter. She loves them and I think it's an amazing thing.
When my daughter was sick, their representatives found us in the hospital to sign us up for free books. We still get them and love their positivity. She’s definitely a light for good.
Only pure light can fight pure darkness.
Is her theme song “9 to 5”?
Workin' 9 to 5,
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin' and no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it
Is there a way to bring back bob ross?
We need to rebuild him better than ever. RoboRoss, one Bob to rule them all.
H E R E W E H A V E
L I T T L E H A P P Y T R E E
DATA ERROR - LOG MISSING
CANNOT INITIATE NORMAL ROUTINE
INITIATE PROGRAM: DESTROY EVIL CORPORATIONS
"I been programmed to...BEAT THE DEVIL OUT OF JEFF BEZO'S"
No. We need a Bob Ross, Mr. Rogers, Steve Irwin hybrid to bring down captain dick rocket.
That chick that sold her nudes to raise money for the Australian wildfires.
What do you mean, if?
I believe OP means "when"
Whaddya mean, "when"?
Bro hands down MacKenzie Scott, his ex-wife. I can totally see the comic book, Jeff becomes full on lex Luther in his mech suit and MacKenzie Scott goes full Ironman to stop him using his own money
🎶 CEO ENTREPRENEUR, BORN IN 1964 🎶
JEFFERYY, JEFFERY BEZOOOS 👏🏼👏🏼
COME ON JEFFERY, YOU CAN DO IT
FUCK THEIR WIVES, DRINK THEIR BLOOD
C'MON, JEFF - GET 'EM!
*wicked synth-guitar solo*
PAVE THE WAY, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT
Tell us why, show us how, look where you came from look at you now!
*The world needs direction*
*From a white guy like me*
The other 99%
Beff Jezos obviously.
Which is an Amazonian translation meaning Beef Jesus
An Amazon Employee who was down on his luck gets fired and humiliated after he peed his pants on duty. He plots for years, saves money, studies finance, start up a disruptor company that devours Amazon's market share. After a decade, his company lives long enough to become the villain; a maltreated employee plots to disrupt his industry and the cycle goes on...
Lenin coming back to life like in that simpsons' episode.
~~Jeff's spaceship~~ our spaceship
“Must. Crush. Capitalism.”
Or [Tim Curry's character from Command & Conquer.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1Sq1Nr58hM)
The tax man.
Irwin R. Schyster
EDIT: For those that aren't aware of the awesomeness of Wrestling's IRS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NpGYJLZfMg
He was basically a wrestler that would body slam you for not paying your taxes in the ring.
An Avengers style ensemble of big names but good people, like Keanu Reeves and Dolly Parton
Oh I like this. Can we throw in Bindi Irwin, Nick Offerman, and Will Smith?
Making a literal difference, metaphorically
He is an actual supervillain. A union rep
Imagine a laid off Amazon warehouse union rep goes to space with NASA spaceship program.
He's a villain, just not a very super one. Not yet at least
came here to say Florida Man and Fred Durst is from Florida, safe to say Fred Durst's alias could just be Florida Man
This... I need to ponder this.
Maybe the real nookie was the friends he made along the way
Thomas the train
the guy who builds the guillotines
The Rock for sure
Now we know why he has made so movies in the jungle…as training for his final showdown with Bezos at his secret hideout in the Amazon Rainforest.
Can I turn this into a writing prompt?
Oh please do
People’s elbow from the top rope of the stratosphere.
If Jeff bezos became a villain Bo Burnham would just delete Bezos I and he would just die
CEO ENTREPRENEUR BORN IN 1964 JEFFREY JEFFREY BEZOS