Cuz we wanna fuck
your username concerns me
Don't be concerned unless you have the experience
He’s my rival
He’ll be fine. I can vouch for him.
Respect for honesty.
^This is the correct answer. Straight people don't understand what it's like to struggle to have a drastically smaller dating pool and sometimes people not even knowing you're open to people of their gender. We want love and sex, and it's a lot harder to find than it is if you're straight. So we have to do whatever we can
Coming out to people is exhausting, it's easier to just let everyone know upfront and then if there's an issue with acceptance, it's confronted relatively early and I can usually avoid the interactions.
Also letting other queer people know you're queer creates a safer space for them to disclose their identity to you if they choose.
That second part specifically, I approached a guy who was very shly gay and told him that I'm bi and this group was fine with me, so if he needed a friend I was there.
I think it helped.
I know it's a typo, but now I can't stop trying to imagine what a shly gay is like...
It kinda was? I meant shyly ig? Idk grammer is hard.
This is so true. I recently moved abroad into a very mixed environment (in terms of nationalities etc.) and that makes people harder to probe as there is much less of an accepted standard.
Coming out upfront not only cuts out homophobes early but it also makes others in the same position feel safer as they can be sure your response will be positive (or at least neutral).
Username definitely checks out on this one
This. I’m done keeping track of who knows and who doesn’t. It’s not a secret, but in person I don’t really want to introduce myself like “hi I’m gay”. It’s a quick and easy way to avoid that whole conversation and also let other queer people know my profile is safe
When I came out in high school, the community I grew up in turned on me. Death threats, stalking, public shaming in the media, my *family* got death threats. I had to skip town at 17. It's been 20 years but when I meet someone, there's still a flicker of "is this person going to turn on me once they find out I'm gay?" So I drop that bomb as quickly as possible and gauge the reaction. If you can't deal with this part of me, you're not going to be dealing with me at all.
I've read similar replies (even though they mostly focused on online situations), and I think I can understand this really well. It's annoying if people end up being a waste of time and energy because they're biased.
Hey I just want to reply to you that I appreciate how willing you are to critically think. The title of this post seemed pretty aggressive and could have possibly gathered some nasty attention but you are reading replies, thinking about them and replying in a smart way. Thank you.
Hey i thought that too! :D This is a rare and valuable Ask.
Oh, that's kind, thanks. I know the topic is loaded with emotion of various types, and I tried to make the title as neutral as I could but I sometimes struggle with not upsetting people by mistake. :')
I'm just curious about practically anything and enjoy discussions about literally anything, so that's that.
In retrospect the title is fine. This is occasionally s difficult topic to talk about so I also had my bias seeing the title. Glad I was proven wrong!
Bias happens all the time, don't sweat it. I definetely knew this was going to be loaded when I created the post, so I expected to receive negative comments as well.
You did well not immediately jumping to conclusions. I appreciate that!
That's what I was about to point out! Cause my self bias alarm when off when I read the title and and I recognized I can see how I would once interpret that as negative when its mind blowingly as simple as it gets.
Keep checking for ur own biases!
It's just really nice to see genuine curiosity and not a question asked in bad faith. A lot of loaded questions can become great conversations if the people involved are genuinely trying to learn or teach.
I'm sure you've seen plenty of threads where OP asks question, and then just argues with everyone that answers them. it's exhausting.
Someone already said this but I really thought your question was posed based on an opinion that was already formed. I appreciate your openness!
biased is a really kind way of describing these people.
I picked that specific word to include people who have a small sort of bias as well, even if they don't mean any harm. "Stupid" questions and stuff like that don't necessarily harm you, but they can still be annoying.
Sending death threats for any sort of reason is not a thing you should do, which I think is very obvious.
Coming out is always thought of as a singular experience by straight people. They think it’s a dramatic conversation with your parents and then that’s it. In reality, you come out every single day or at least make the decision to. There have absolutely been times recently where I’ve kept my sexuality on the down-low because it was safer for me. It’s a constant struggle and takes a lot of mental space when meeting people for the first time.
biased? bigoted, more like.
I always thought these were annoying but damn, after knowing this, I might not find it annoying anymore.
This is pretty much it for me. I want to know upfront if you’re a homophobic asshole, because I don’t want that in my life.
Also, though, 2 more points:
1) The majority of the time, being automatically identified as a lesbian keeps creepy dudes from hitting on me, so that’s nice. Obviously, I still get the whole “My magical dick can cure you” bs, but it doesn’t happen as often as I was hit on before being publically gay.
2) Coming to terms with my sexuality was a struggle, and I went through a lot of shit to get here. I’m proud of being an out lesbian in a world where I’m accepted by most (where I’m located), but the ones that don’t accept me still want to see me hurt, or dead. I’m not even penis-repelled, I could have stayed in the closet forever. So, it’s a matter of pride that I chose my own happiness over what was expected me.
>Obviously, I still get the whole “My magical dick can cure you” bs,
"oh, you don't like boxing? let me punch you, you'll like it"
A more extreme version of this mentality is known as "corrective rape" and used to be (edit: probably still is) a mob justice way of dealing with lesbians in a lot of small towns.
Can confirm this one gets used on asexuals too. I'm an ace and have had that threat ***plenty*** of times. Usually online and not in a place where they can reach me thankfully but still scary.
Cool to see another ace out in the wild. We do exist!!! All dozen of us!!!
Extremely cool to see another ace in the wild!! I hardly ever see our kind outside of actively searching for them or their spaces. Cool!
Whenever I thirstpost, I get so many men in my inbox. Like I very clearly have LESBIAN in my profile and almost all of my posts...
Same here. I never had these experiences (thank goodness) but I tell people up front cause I don’t want to know a bigot.
TIL there are profiles on reddit.
I usually don't, I'm pretty blatantly queer in real life so I'm not really used to having to mention it?
Someone in college told me I should introduce myself with my Chinese name instead of "American name" so that "people will know I'm asian."
I told them 1) my parents gave me my name and I like it and 2) I'm pretty sure people can tell I'm Asian by looking at my face.
Phil Wang has this great bit he does:
>*My name is Phil. Phil Wang. Phil by name, Wang by ...last name. Phil Wang. My name surprises people - bit of a weird name - 'Phil'. But that's my name. Phil Wang.*
>*I like to start my shows by saying my name a lot.*
>*Now, if you look at me and quint really really hard ... don't do that, that's racist. Phil Wang.*
This Phil Wang guy sure has a bit of a weird name
*squints really hard*
hehe, his last name's a word that means penis
I read this in Chris Griffin’s voice.
Sorry to sound ignorant whats your chinese name and american name And why is there a difference ?
My first name is an easily pronounced latin based name (think christopher or dennis) whereas my Chinese name is legally my middle name and generally unpronounceable by non speakers
That person was a racist and can go get fucked
Yeah I grew up in the midwest with a big family and a decent asian community, but college on the east coast was something else. There were so many asians who it was SO important that their "asianness" stand out it was really fucking weird.
What was ironic is that I speak pretty good Chinese and probably was more connected to my culture than a lot of the people in that crowd.
So glad I stopped hanging out with them early on...
Is it possible that because they didn’t speak the language or feel personally connected to the culture the same way you did, they felt the need to embrace the identity in whatever way they could?
Yes lol. My gf mentions she's half mexican whenever she can because she looks white af.
Can’t be both white and Mexican.
There is a super simple test to tell. Did she terk yer jerb?
Schroeder’s Mexicans: Extremely lazy, yet still hard-working enough to terk yer jerb.
College is where awkward kids slowly find themselves. That transition takes time and is full of a lot of painful cringe shit, just like high school. I'm old enough now that, going back to college, I can see it and understand it and know not to mock it. Let people do them, if it doesn't hurt anyone. Just don't be a dick, basically.
I'm so glad I got most of my akwardness out of my system in high school. I'd rather not talk about the blunder years...
I’m Asian and I think I have one Asian friend. In college, I went to one ASA meeting and thought it was really weird and never came back. Idk, I just don’t connect with Asians well.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
But man, this cracked me up. Someone of college-level education said that to you?! Genuine lol. “You must change your name so I can fit you into the stupid stereotype that i have created”.
I actually love it when people say shit like this up front so I can easily add them to my fuck-tard list.
Maybe I should change my name to Asclepius the Baldy so everyone I meet will know that I'm bald. Otherwise how would they know?
I’ve been on Reddit for years and years, I’ve never bothered to do anything with my Reddit profile. I also use a throwaway account. I’m not here for friends to find me, I’m here to chat anonymously.
My sister and I know eachother's reddit account names but we had an agreement that we wouldn't follow nor acknowledge eachother here, she mostly does memes and I mostly do fandoms but other than that we have no idea what eachother do here.
We have profiles? I thought it was just the name
Yes the way God intended. Fuck everyone knowing my star sign and favourite flavour soda. I want to anonymusly judge people's choice of memes in peace.
That made me chuckle.
Do you feel it's important for other people to know though? If so, why?
Well, yeah, if I want them to know me? If it's a random internet stranger, I don't care, but I don't assume anyone will think I'm straight. If anyone goes through my reddit or tumblr content it will pretty much be immediatly clear that I'm queer.
It's not like I go to my office job wearing 80s jewelry and silver boots and people go 'oh I'm sure he's straight'
I'm very priviledged to live in spaces where I can be as queer as I want, so if other people want to put flags and stuff in their bios for visibility etc, I say go ahead.
I dunno. I just took a gander through your reddit history, and other than interior design, it looks pretty straight to me!
You had me there for a minute
I can definetely see that.
Well, yes, go ahead. I wasn't trying to judge or anything, I was just genuinely curious. Thanks for replying!
No problem, it's an interesting question :)
Actually, it does become important for people to know. I never thought it mattered until the first time I tried to hire someone as a pet sitter who obviously had a problem with the fact that we were a lesbian married couple. That's created an awkward situation for me - how the hell do you let people know in case they're homophobes so you don't encounter an awkward (or potentially much worse than awkward) situation?
I've definitely struggled with that.
Edited to add: Just in case it's not clear, this problem becomes more high stakes in other situations. My wife used to handle the potential employer situation by asking them about benefits for civil unions. We haven't found a good way now that our marriage is federally recognized.
The pride flag as a headlight and shield. Great point.
Whenever i see pride pins or badges on someone in public, it makes me feel happier because then i know there more people like me and im not alone. I think it's kinda like that with bios. Also we can connect more with people, something that we have in common and such.
It also helps people know you are open to talking, and what ideas you'll stick up for.
I was going to say something like this. I'm cis straight white male; i.e. the "default". I've never felt like anything in my life, community, and nation was not for me, that explicitly excluded me. I see confirmation of my cis-white-male selfness being valid every second of every day. I have \*never\* felt like being me was a disadvantage or reason to be ostracized.
It was never even mentioned, never occurred to me that homosexuality could be a thing. When I learned it was a thing at age 14 (1984) I was shocked and thought it was a new idea. It was a bizarre, peculiar, and even personally-threatening concept in the moment. And I don't mean someone came on to me or anything; I just mean I somehow heard of it (probably because AIDS and its tragically lethal unfortunate association with homosexuality) and for reasons I still don't understand found it personally threatening to me. I later deduced that I was fearful of a guy hitting on me and came to terms with that by saying if women could put up with it, I would manage. Turns out it was never really a problem, anyway.
So it took me decades to realize, but people who \*aren't\* cis straight white men just have a completely different life experience. Their community, nation, and sometimes even family don't validate their being themselves.
So I fully support putting it right out there that you aren't the traditional U.S. default person. It reminds people like me that "hey, this not-like-me person has contributed value to my conversation even though they're different", and for other non-default people that their peers are out there living in public and it's ok.
It's not about "ME ME ME," it's about "hey, look, I'm adding value to the world, and I'm not default, and it's ok."
Edit: I'm not advocating that there should remain being a "default". It's just so ingrained into our culture that it took me a long time to even notice it's a thing and a problem. And the only path I can see to correct it is to point out that it is quite normal and valid to be yourself. That said, my posting "cis straight white man" on my profiles may not be the best idea as it can too easily be confused as supporting the continued privileged status of being a cis straight white man. Besides, people can very quickly tell without my shouting it.
You're a good bean just for thinking about it and even better bean for grasping it. I know it's hard to navigate words, but media-wise and politically it IS seen as a default, even if they don't want to acknowledge that word. Don't worry about it, you got this bro.
Sometimes I literally just fantasize about a world where most media was made to appeal to people like me and most fictional characters actually seemed relatable to me.
I can distinctly remember when and why I stopped calling things "gay" to mean "bad". It wasn't even that long ago (10 years or so). I had already had several gay friends in my life at that point. But one night while playing games with my wife and some of our friends, one of whom was gay and had been out as long as I'd known him. Another friend sent me a message saying that I should stop doing that, because it made the friend in question pretty uncomfortable. So I aplogized to him in private and decided I'd make a particular effort to stop doing that shit. It was pretty eye-opening for me. And I've tried to have empathy in anyone I have in my life, however brief their presence in it.
I might not have a deep personal understanding of being asexual or trans or whatever, but that doesn't mean these things aren't valid and that they don't deserve my respect.
It still pisses me off that HIV/AIDS used to be called “gay related immune deficiency”
I honestly don't know if I have any of that in my Reddit profile, because I use RIF so I never look at it, but on other sites, it's because I want big hairy dudes to send me pictures of their... Assets.
Android app Reddit Is Fun
No it's called 'RIF is fun ' now
So Reddit is fun is fun?
Smh my head
They had to take "Reddit" out of their app name so that's what they came up with as an alternative. It's weird but I guess better than making a new name that people wouldn't recognize I guess?
No, RIF stands for "RIF is fun," so "RIF is fun" is short for "RIF is fun is fun," which is short for "RIF is fun is fun is fun." Simple stuff, really.
No, RIF is fun. "RIF" stands for "Reddit Is Fun". So it's... oh. Yeah. You got it first time.
Recursive acronym (like GNU)
I know but wanted to keep the explanation simple.
I do it because growing up there was a lot of backlash for being bi. So I put it on all profiles for everything so if anyone has an issue with it they won't talk to me. Thus not wasting my time or theirs.
The exact reason I fear putting my orientation(s) in my bio is because where I'm from it'll have the opposite effect. People will talk to you, attack you, ask inappropriate questions. I don't need all that trash in my dms.
I understand that. Tbh I don't really have bios anymore as I don't do social media apart from reddit but I always thought having to block a few people and delete some messages was better than talking to someone for months only to find they're a closed minded asshole.
Same here. Turns out I can avoid a whole subset of prejudiced assholes just by having “they/them” in my bio!
Also, as a femme I’m no stranger to harassment by creepy dudes on the internet. Having “lesbian” in my bio keeps nasty DMs at a minimum.
It's great you've found a way to keep it at a minimum but bloody awful we have to go to these lengths just to avoid harassment and prejudice.
Because if I don't people assume I'm straight. I hate having to play the 'will I bother coming out again game' when I meet new people. Helps with dating as well.
\-Checks own Reddit profile-
Yes, my sexual orientation is pizza and grilling. I let people know so I only get unsolicited pics of pizza and steak.
Ah a fellow Piz-gender
Are you a topping or a crust?
My brain rhymed this with Cisgender and read it as pissgender.
My sexual orientation is frog- sounds about right
Do you get a lot of unsolicited frog pics?
Sadly not :(
We gotta do something about that
Unleash the frog pics. And come to r/frogs
All in favor?
Chaotic good in the wild. Well done!
I just got a little turned on. Pizza AND steak... mmmmmm
People see straight as the default so it helps to save time as opposed to coming out of the closet to every single new internet pal you meet. It's a lot easier than slowly feeling out the space and if it's safe to say you're lgbt or if it'll make them uncomfortable or change the way they'll interact with you. If it's right there - if it bothers people then they're free to not interact.
Also - a lot of gay people still have to grow up keeping it a secret. Every time you tell a new person you could risk their opinion of you changing, social rejection, harassment, etc. Every time I get a new job I have to be careful to avoid saying 'my girlfriend' for months until I can gauge who my coworkers and bosses are as people. So being able to be open about these things online is a luxury that I think it's hard to understand if you're straight.
For many people, their workplace becomes their main network of friends as they get older. I'd say about two-thirds of my friends come from current/former work places, or I originally met them as a friend-of-a-coworker/friend.
That's fair. I work in a very small workplace where all my coworkers have the same field of interest and hang out outside of work, so stuff comes up. I don't want to come barging into every room like 'MOVE I'M GAY' but I'd like to say 'oh me and my girlfriend are going to that concert too!' or whatever without worry.
I’m gay (most people in my life still don’t know, but the ones I have told have been very supportive) and I completely agree with this take. I just don’t feel any reason to tell a bunch of people.
I’m a private and introverted person in general. And I’m a pretty masculine “normal” guy, with mostly straight male friends, so most people wouldn’t assume I’m gay anyways. But I’ll let people assume whatever they want - if I’m not close enough to them to fully trust them, they probably don’t need to know anyways.
I feel like that's a little... I don't know. If you feel like you're having to walk on eggshells any time you talk to a queer person, maybe you're just homophobic.
I do think we see this in two fairly different ways, though, so that influences it.
It sucks when you start talking with a stranger online, then became friends and when they realize you are LGBTQ and they don't "approve", they reject you.
That also happens in real life, that's why some people wear a rainbow ring or something to let people know they are queer.
On social media like Facebook I do. It gets tiresome having to come out over and over again. You'd be surprised the ridiculous rude shit people say about LGBT people when they think you're straight. It also is a way to let other gay/bi folks know without making them guess. That "are they queer too" game always gets annoying.
In terms of theory, the term is called minority stress. Being LGBT often feels like being the only one, and this is just one way to let others know that we are not alone.
> the term is called minority stress.
I think i've gotta lean my understanding of this more toward that of my own experience of being neurologically atypical and having neurologically atypical friends (as well as boring regular friends (i know, they can't help it!!)).
There's a lot of "This isn't important to me so i don't care // this IS important to me so EVERYONE should care" mentality kicking about, and it tends to center around more trivial things, but my goodness i hadn't really considered until now quite how being LGBT would make someone feel like literally the only person who feels that way because of being in such a minority. Also kudos to u/ChaoticMainframe for putting this question out there. I'm a third of the way through this thread and i'm not stopping yet while there's more to be learned.
> It gets tiresome having to come out over and over again.
That's an interesting point I hadn't read or thought about yet. Out of idle curiousity, is it still stressful for you to come out after having done so multiple times already? If so, why? If not, why not?
I sort of knew about minority stress, I didn't know a term for it though, so thanks for sharing!
You never know how people will react. I haven't had to come out to anyone in ages because I'm pretty much closeted at work (or at least, I haven't mentioned it yet). My colleagues are pretty liberal, but I know people who can't come out because they'd face severe bullying at work. And with random people, you never know who'll be awful to you afterwards, you need to have a whole-ass period of time to ascertain what kind of person they are before you come out to them.
As a bisexual who doesn't set off most people's gaydar, I get stressed out by repeatedly coming out because I view my sexuality as just another part of my personality, I guess? I don't wrap my whole identity around my sexuality and so when I tell people, it's just to be like "hey this is just a little fact about me that I'd like you to know." When people are chill and don't make a big deal, that's one thing, but a lot of people are not chill. They get WAY too nosy or just straight up refuse to believe you / argue with you about it or are just plain weird and start asking about threesomes and shit like that.
"Gaydar" got me good.
Thanks for sharing your experience, I feel like most of the reasons stem from the all too familiar "people are biased idiots" problem. I didn't think that - apart from being generally homophobic douchebags - people did stuff like that. I don't have an issue with people openly discussing sexuality, but most people seem to have one, so I figured they'd usually just not be nosy and creepy about it.
I was wrong about that.
Basically exactly what others have said. For one, its a flag to other queer people that you are safe and accepting.
Two, its better than people staring at me for an hour then eventually asking if im trans.
It's sorta stressful every time. I never know how it's going to affect someone or our relationship. I also have received a huge amount of grief and backlash for it in the past, so for me having it on my profile is my way of saying "this is my space, and it is a queer space, and fuck you if you don't like it."
Not sexuality but I'm transgender and the number of times I have to correct someone on my pronouns for the 80th time when they're directly in my zoom handle is too damn high. It's stressful every time and sometimes I just wanna say "fuck it" and let them misgender me because it's too much energy to keep correcting them.
it's still stressful, every time. most of the time i feel physically safe, which is nice, but the responses are all over the place. 80% good, 20% absolutely unpredictable.
i truly regret coming out at my current workplace. all of my female coworkers (i am female) now treat me like i've got a contagious disease that will turn them into lesbians if they come too close. my last boss turned out to be one of those 'you want to influence children to be gay like you' people, which was extremely stressful because i wanted his reference to volunteer with kids.
This is an amazing addition, and basically exactly what I was going to say. Coming out to every person you meet and seeing *that face* is tiring. It also is greatly comforting to LGBT young people, to see adults like them living normal, happy lives rather than the stereotypes they see on tv. I know it was comforting to me before I came out.
I've never heard this word before, thanks for sharing it!
I put my pronouns on other social media profiles because a trans friend of mine was afraid that putting his pronouns would out him, so I put mine there to make him feel less alone.
You sound like a good friend :)
I do try
For a second there I thought your username was supposed to be "meth & cheese, " and I thought there had to be a story.
:D You are an ALLY!! What a lucky friend you have, to have a friend like you.
My buddy came 'out' as having anxiety and depression after his friend was afraid to do so. Out of solidarity to *him* i came 'out' as having Asperger's, and it ignited a discussion. I was asked a lot of questions, which can't be a bad thing!
We can't always make it easier for other people, but we sure can blur the lines between the norm and the unique to make the transition smoother.
I myself am bisexual heteromantic (sexually attracted to both genders, romantically attracted to the opposite, believe me the conversation is really awkward) and I try my absolute hardest to support people. I'm lucky enough to not be bothered by people for my sexuality but some of my trans friends aren't so lucky :(
I think i only know the global percentage of trans people in my local area - same as gay people and bisexual people - which is to say, i hung out at the local LGBT bars quite a bit with my straight friends (none of us particularly L,G,B or T - we just liked the atmos! - and ended up making friends with others there) so i'm not exactly part of the community, especially now that we're in lockdown.
I've gotta say, "Bisexual heteromantic" is pretty self-explanatory! :D I like that. It's not much of a stretch.
I do think that one issue is that places like Tumblr jumped on the different pronouns and genders and sexualities, which sort of upped the concentration rather quickly and abruptly, so it seems that might have put up a bit of a wall between "the norm" and "diversity" (kinda like how - and i hate to say this - a lot of folk loaded up all their profiles with "undiagnosed autism/ADHD/velociraptor" etc). Now, though, the pendulum is swinging back toward a happy medium, and it's a lot less "I identify as a hexadecimal attack helicopter" meme, and instead a lot more "This is me".
This! I'm a middle aged gay guy; I know what it was like fighting to be seen as a normal person. That's exactly what the Trans community is trying to do right now. I may be cisgendered, but putting pronouns on my profile is an easy way to make it normal; it's a small token that does a lot of good.
So other gay/bi people dm me tf
:D The heteros screen themselves out!
i asked my brother this( he's bi) and he said it's because straight is still considered the "default" and putting it up there helps break the stigma x
"Breaking the stigma" as in "Showing there's a lot of people with varying orientations"?
Normalization. Same reason straight cishet dudes will sometimes put he/him in their signatures even tho it seems obvious. It's polite to not assume
Being non-heteronormative is *exhausting* if the bulk of your interactions involve having to correct someone making assumptions about you or keeping quiet while they run with it and you have to nervously go along with what they're saying if you're not looking to open that can of worms at that time
That straight ain't default
What definition of default are you using? The majority, by a large margin, are straight (95.5%). So it is the default.
According to a 2017 gallup poll the numbers are [4.5% LGBT](https://news.gallup.com/poll/234863/estimate-lgbt-population-rises.aspx).
To be fair, default is defined as the thing that exists or happens if you do not intentionally change it by performing such action.
In this sense, only an individual has a default sexual orientation and society does not have one.
But the general population misuses default to mean most probable, which if done frequently enough, becomes an appropriate use in the general lexicon.
I think by "default" people just mean "default assumption"
i think it's called "norm" as in "the most common"
Yes, and the default is what is assumed in the absence of detailed information. When the norm far exceeds other possibilities, the norm will be the default since people will assume that which is correct most often.
If the stats were 60-40 it would likely be too close to have a default. When an assumption is true >95% of the time, it's going to be the default.
The kids are rejecting that concept out of hand. They are moving away from the axiom you hold.
Since "normal" was used for so long as a code word for "acceptable" you can probably plainly see why people who aren't part of the majority are saying "I don't really give a fuck about the stats" gay people are as normal as straight people, because normal doesn't mean most common.
According to a 2020 Gallup poll, the number is 5.6% overall and 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identify as some kind of LGBTQ+.
Keep in mind that this number grows and grows in relation to social acceptance. What the actual number would be in a fully tolerant society is unknown but we can look at historical cultures and see how the norms of sexuality can be radically different.
Well i am that person hahahaha well i live in very religious country where i dont think in my life i will be able to live as a lesbian or come out or be true to myself in real life so for me reddit is the only place where i can be what i am therefore i want to make a public display of my gayness as much as i can. I want to scream in reddit that i am a Lesbian. 🥳🥳🥳
I hope you will be able to live your life as you want, and that in 10 years you will be snuggling with your wife and reminisce about how far you've come.
That makes sense. You want SOMEONE to know what you are, but recognize that it isn't safe in real life.
Because I don't want to become friends with someone, have them find out I'm bi, and then lose the friendship (either because they become jerks about it in an attempt to somehow make me straight or because they ghost me).
I'd just rather get the judgment over with. If they're not fine with it, they can just not interact with me in the first place. Or harass me immediately, if they're assholes. Either way, I don't have to deal with the feelings of betrayal that come with a friend deciding that they don't like a part of me that can't be changed.
How else am I gonna get laid??
I don’t but it’s to normalize if they have an orientation or pronouns that aren’t considered the norm. We still live in a very heteronormative world and people always assume you’re straight and cisgendered. Putting you’re info helps to let others know “oh, more exists than just this preconceived notion.”
As a teacher, I always make sure to mention my husband early on to my students to make it clear from the beginning. Part of it is that if anyone has a problem with it, it's something I can deal with immediately instead of later in the year (though I haven't had any issues at all so far). But the bigger answer is that I know firsthand that gay teens really need some role models that are like them in real life.
Growing up, I barely knew any other gay people. There were some other students that acted flamboyant and people assumed were gay (often the theater kids) but no one was really out, especially adults. I felt so alone and terrified that someone would find out and no one would talk to me again. If I could have met an openly gay adult who was proud of who they were and acted like it wasn't a big deal, I think that would have been HUGE for me.
So I make sure I can be that person for my students. Just knowing that they're not alone is such a big thing, and I can show them that you can be gay and have a happy, normal life with a great marriage. Middle school is hard enough, no student of mine should ever have to struggle with the sexual identity on top of that, like I did.
The default assumption is “straight”, it helps normalise the idea that this isn’t always the case AND makes it safer for minorities to feel like they don’t have to hide who they are
Bingo. I'm bi and non-binary, but I'm straight-married, so people make assumptions. Putting it out there in my profiles helps quell the number of times I have to say "well, actually..."
Also, if person has had to deal a lot with pursuers they have had no interest in it saves time (and having to lose a friend because you were leading them on or whatever). I think they are handy if you are looking for or open for the possibility of relationship because it will do some vetting straight from the get go
I have my pronouns in my bio - I don't particularly care and have never been misgendered but dammed if I don't do my part in normalizing that discussion when a lot of the language is gendered
I do it because I struggled with my sexuality for a quite while and writing it down is my way of coming out when I’m to afraid to do it irl
I think people let others know because getting to discover your gender, sexuality and everything (basically, who you are) can be a very rough journey and they're proud to be able to express their identity
when guys see that i go by she/her, they constantly ask if i'm horny or some shit like that, I make it blatantly obvious that i'm lesbian to stop that shit
In my experience, that doesn't really help. Lesbians are fetishized a lot and there are a lot of guys out there who believes themselves to be God's gift to women and gets off on the idea of converting lesbians with his divine three inch penis.
One time I saw a post on Reddit where the woman needed some advice and support. Her husband had asked her for a long time to roleplay being a lesbian, and when she eventually did it for him, he actually ended up making her roleplay corrective rape. (That is rape specifically motivated by the victim being queer)
I felt so bad for her that a) he sprung it on her by surprise and b) he seemed to really believe that the lesbian part and the rape part were expected to go hand in hand.
God, it's so fucking gross. I feel so sorry for her.....
I cringed so much reading this short bit about your experience. I am sorry that happens.
I like woman
no shit, me too!!
They’re just great, right?
Objection. Woman is, in fact, not always great
Well individually they can be just as horrible as man.. but in general the female gender is just perfect in terms of my subjective sexual desires.
I use it on social media sites to make sure I'm not making friends with people who are homophobic. On stuff like Twitter that I use more for professional networking I put it there to normalize queer people in stem. Theres not as many resources for queer people in stem so people tend to think its not as friendly as the humanities which isn't true. Adding my sexual orientation and gender identity helps young people to see that there are people like them in these fields.
Your bio is literally there to tell people more about yourself. So why NOT have that information there?
Cuz I don't feel like I have to hide myself as much online as I do irl.
The only reason you don't see straight people putting it in their bio, is because straight is still seen as the 'default'. If it wasn't, it would be alot more normalized to have your sexuality or your pronouns in your bio, since it usually is a big part of someones identity
Many lgbt+ people have had to hide their true sexuality, or thought they were straight at first, so it's probably a relief to finally be able to be 100% open about your sexuality. Plus it will keep homophobic people from interacting with you, and saves you alot of "why didn't you tell me you were gay"
I can see that, I think. Thanks for sharing!
i dont have it in my bio, but if i did it'd be because it can give better context to certain things. also some people *do* just see it as an intrinsic part of their identity and that's completely okay
I don't do it, but at work for email signature a lot of us do the preferred pronouns. One cisgendered coworker had he/him/his on his tag and a parent complained that she didn't want to send her (adult) child to some liberal college, so I and some others changed our signatures to add our pronouns. I'm cisgender and as far as I am aware everyone in our office is too, but I would hope to be inclusive to anyone who isn't.
Letting people know that I'm bisexual & specifying my pronouns means that fellow LGBTQers know they can be themselves around me and it lets straight cis people know that I'm not gonna join in with any gay jokes or put up with any trans bashing if that's something that they partake in. In real life it usually just comes up naturally in conversation or not at all, but I like to share it online so people know what I'm about.
It's a major part of my identity and world experience. As a bisexual woman my experience is different than a straight woman's. I have decades of religious shaming baggage built up on me. I have exes and flings that may come into my life again.
When I go see a movie like Wonder Woman or Suicide Squad, my experience is fundamentally different from a man's, because I see myself represented in the female characters, and not the male characters. My experience is different than a straight woman's because the sexualized scenes of the actresses are different for me than they are for them.
I also like to make sure I represent myself. I once had a roommate who confided in me she secretly has depression, and I probably don't know what it's like, and she seemed like she felt pretty alone. When I told her I have pretty terrible bipolar depression she was extremely shocked. I once had a classmate say that so-and-so couldn't have a mental illness because they didn't seem crazy. When I told them how debilitating my mania can get, i really think it made them realize that you can't tell just by looking at someone.
If representing that happy, successful, women can be mentally ill, I think I make a difference. So if representing that bisexual woman can still be happily married, still be respectful, basically that bi people are normal people who walk among us just like everyone else. I feel like that's probably valuable.
I also want to make a firm stance that same sex attraction is just as romantic as straight sex. Homophobes represent gay people as loveless sex-only hedon relationships. There is nothing sexually inappropriate about having a bi flag in my window. There is nothing sexually inappropriate about being out and married at the same time. Homophobes and biphobes have claimed that by being out and married at the same time then I'm "broadcasting that I masturbate to women"
Anybody who instantly thinks about what porn i watch instead of what first dates I've been on is the sex pervert, not me.
Because I'm tired of match makers 1) thinking I want to be matched up to their head cannon 2) being matched and pressed to date people that I'm not interested in 3) Being asked to support anti-LGBT organizations
and on top of all take a hard look around you and realize how straight the world really is, why shouldn't my orientation be as integral to everything I do as it is for straight people.
The more it's put out there, the more it's normalized.
Because its exciting and new to me I guess.
"Why do you put information about yourself in your bio?"
Eliminate any confusion
I keep my pronouns in my bios on Instagram and zoom because I appear as a female to many people but my preferred pronouns are they/them and that’s why it feels important to me
I don’t care on Reddit. But for any straight person that’s bothered by it, I’d like you to replay even the minor conversations or challenge yourself to have a conversation where you try to hide the fact that you’re straight.
You likely don’t realize that you’re indirectly telling people you’re straight all the time. Small talk like “my husband/wife...” or “my boyfriend/girlfriend” etc. Does your social media have photos of yourself and your heterosexual partner? You have that label on your social media too. (Of course you could be bisexual but let’s not pretend people don’t assume you’re straight if you have an opposite sex partner).
Straight and cisgender is the default for so many people. We live in a world that’s built around that identity. And yeah, it’s exhausting and sometimes scary to have to come out to people all the time, when you guys get to just live your life. If a guy says “my wife” casually, no one even blinks an eye. If I as a woman say “my wife”, it’s never casual, even if the reaction is subtle.
So yeah. It’s easy to just slap the flag in my bios. I don’t feel like I should have to hide it, or have that conversation every fucking day. I just want to live my life and I don’t feel like I should have to verbally come out to every person I meet.
I don’t know. Why do people start forest fires to make sure everyone knows what their kid’s genitals look like?
It's pretty good for weeding out the folks who get offended by that sort of thing.
To find other gays
The biased assumption inherent in this type of question (and displayed throughout this thread by numerous commenters) is that if you're LGBT, that information is "private," but we can assume everyone is straight by "default" and somehow we don't think that is "TMI" to know that about them.
If someone told you he dates women, would you wonder why he was telling you about his "sexual preferences"? Someone who tells you he is gay has not actually told you anything about his sex life.
You don't sound like a hateful person at all from your comments, but if you really want to learn about this stuff you could examine what assumptions have led you to ask a question in this way in the first place.
I’m 41. A woman, married to a man, and bisexual. I have never “come out” because I never really felt it was necessary. My husband knows, because he knows everything. My daughter knows. We had that conversation when she came out as bisexual. I have a handful of friends that know. Surprisingly enough, a few of them were surprised to hear I was bisexual even after witnessing me making out with a few girls (not at once, different occasions, LOL). One of them has made out with me several times but claims she isn’t bisexual. Whatever. Too each their own. I don’t think anyone is wrong for sharing that information up front. It just isn’t that important for me to have everyone know I guess.