By - PortableChaos719
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know I shouldnt expect much and his mom is struggling financially so I understand why he would want to help her the way he did for mothers day but I didnt get shit, like at all.
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NTA - Your husband spent nearly 75% of the limited funds you had in what I assume was a joint account without discussing it with you? That alone is cause for major concern within your marriage.
Oh my god if I were OP my head would have exploded right there.
This man only has the audacity. "I didn't feed the kids the food you thawed because I was too busy playing games on a day to appreciate YOU. Also go pick me up food across town please. What? I have to? FiiiIIIINe. Here's your food. Oh I thought you'd like it. No, I didn't get the thing you specifically asked for. No, no we don't have 400 anymore in the account. Yeah, but I got me what I wanted at least. Why didn't we have enough money for YOU but we did for ME? Well because for MY mom I gave her 250 of our shared money (you donated 125 too, and I told her it was just from me! Teehee!) and then $40 of flowers (thanks so much for your $20 and giving up your meal for my mom)! So, you know. Anyways, happy mother's day! What? Why are you mad at me? You're just overreacting. Women!"
He wouldn't have a happy rest of his evening. Or next day. Or father's day. He'd be getting me the meal I wanted, some damn flowers, and repay every red cent taken out of the joint account while he managed all the housework for a week to learn some respect, while I sat on MY ass playing games, and then we'd be having a discussion about his new and improved future household contributions, or else I'd divorce his lazy, selfish self
Ladies out there reading this, especially OP; up your standards. The bar is between Satan's ass cheeks and he's using it to floss his tush, with men like this. Don't let dudes like this absolute *prize* weasel their way out of culpability for being awful partners, particularly when there's such a disparity in home life effort. Get mad. Stop second guessing yourself on these. You're not overreacting. Stand up for yourself. Enact change.
For those who really struggle with this; imagine your BFF told you their partner did this to them. Are you enraged/upset on their behalf? Imagine you did this to the offending SO. Do you think he'd be cool with this? In this example, if OP had done nothing for him, ignored the food he left out, asked him to go across town for food, gotten herself food she wanted and didn't get him food, told him she didn't have the money for what he wanted because she took her AND his money to give close to $300 to her dad on father's day, would he be cool? No he wouldn't be.
Use these examples as litmus tests if needed. Don't be a doormat for shit partners.
If they aren't "technically" his kids, then he should not be celebrated or acknowledged for father's day. Be cause he isn't "technically " a father. I would also consider counseling if you want to stay in this marriage. It's about more than one day.
Technicalities don't apply when you are living with two children for the majority of their lives, especially when you're married to their mom. He is "certainly" their step-dad. So yeah they are his stepKIDS.
And someone whos repeatedly asked to adopt them to be his kids! Then he proceeds to ignore them all day, give them a cup of noodles, and then ask for OP to make dinner???? This isn't out of the blue, OP set up her husband for success and he blew it. I bet he's the kind of person to say "Well you're not MY mom so it's not my job to celebrate mothers day for YOU"
I'd sell his gaming console but then again I'm petty lol.
>not eat the food that I had specifically unthawed
Anyone got enraged?
Edit: yeah i totally meant to have the double meaning in my comment ;)
I got enraged as soon as she woke up and didn't smell dinner
I get what you mean. 😏
my husband says unthawed and it drives me insane lol
Start saying it when you put stuff in the freezer.
Honestly if there’s only $400 in their account - or actually less, now that OP’s husband recklessly spent most of it - then they SHOULD be selling the game console. They need the money!
Right. For mothers day my husband went shopping for the kids biomom AND me (which I was surprised the kids asked to get me something too, very sweet) and his ex always gets him a father's day gift. It's about teaching the kids to appreciate their parents and that showing you care for others is it's own reward.
OP wasn't asking for a Lamborghini made of diamonds, she wanted a nap and to have dinner ready! Bro, OPs husband SUCKS and just wants a bang maid, I feel so bad that she is clearly wiped out with no support.
I like the bang maid. I just ended my 6-7 year relationship. He didn't work, did the bare minimum at home (cook a few times and when pressed, dishes), played videogames all day long and on top of that, only send one lousy text for my birthday. Didn't even get a cuddle. But he did demand sex. A lot and for everything every damn day. And extreme kind of stuff as well. So yeah. I love the description bang maid. This one had enough.
True. My father is a "step" dad to my older brother but has never once called him that. He ALWAYS says my son and he is my dad's son as if he was his bio dad too. It doesn't matter. This is going on people say well "technically " they are jerks in my opinion. When it comes to stepkids, you are either all in or not in at all.
I agree with that in this scenario where biodad is completely out of the picture and he could adopt them, but when both bio parents are co-parenting a kid, the step parent does have to take a lesser role. They can be an adult in the kids life but have to defer to the bio parents. Reddit's unfair to them in those cases- basically they have to love the kid unconditionally and devote their life to them but have zero say in parenting decisions. It's an untenable double standard.
That's pretty far from my experience with step-parents. (I had two, Mom and Dad both remarried and remarried well.)
If I tried to tell my stepfather he had a lesser role as a kid, my bio-dad would have been on me like bees on flowers. I was to respect Stepdad (not a problem, he was a great man and deserves every kind word spoken of him) as my parent because by marrying my mom he was now my parent.
It was slightly different with my stepmom, but only because my bio-mom really disagreed with some of her actions. (Its a whole long story but it was worked out by the time I was 16 and all was well from then on.) But I was still expected to obey her, I just got away with bitching about her more. (And to be fair, she bitched about me a fair bit. I was a difficult kid, yet ironically I think I might currently be my stepmom's favorite. We're stuck for life now, my dad died and she kept me since I had no parents other than her anymore.)
And while I do believe my stepdad and stepmom both love/d me unconditionally, maybe its because I treated them like they were my parents and love them back just as much? I'm certainly grateful to them, my bio-parents loved me dearly but they were very damaged people.
Without my stepdad (who was my rock and shielded me frequently from stupid things my dad said or my grandmother did) and my stepmom (who taught me I did NOT have to be as complacent and forgiving as my mother was conditioned to be, that I have value beyond being "useful" to people, and that I am lovable and not a burden on everyone) I have no idea who I would be today. Probably dead, considering how often my stepdad had to intervene when I was suicidal.
I feel like you're using that as a stick to beat the husband with, but it wasn't him that said that, it was her friend who has now been cut off...
He deserves flak for plenty of other things but she specifically states that he calls her kids "his babies" and wants to adopt them, so that ain't one of them.
"I want to adopt your kids but also I know I was supposed to feed them and you got things out specifying for me to cook for them, but I decided I wanted to play video games instead so I told them to eat some cup of noodles. So, when are we going to revisit this adoption question? Oh, and by the way I spent most of the money we have to take care of us and them on my mom today. "
Yeah. We’ll said. She can do better then this guy. He’s lazy selfish and inconsiderate
>sent his mother $250 to pay her car note for mothers day and a big bouquet of flowers that cost him $40
Forgot there's another mother to appreciate in his life?
Dude spends 75% of their available funds on his mom, but can't make dinner for his wife? Or have the kids draw her a card? My husband would be spending the next week on the couch!
Also I’m wondering that if she thawed the food, did it go to waste because it’s been sitting out in the counter for 8 hours so it’s most likely in the danger zone? Hopefully it was thawing in the fridge
This exactly. I would've gone Katie Ka-Boom if I was OP.
OP that's not a good husband or good father. You got a NAP for MOTHER DAY'S, you feel overwhelmed and tired, he doesn't help you or your children but gave you huffing and puffing when asked to at least get you some food and gifted your money to his mother without even consulting with you first, which means he doesn't care or respect you at all
NTA but are you sure you want to keep this AH man you call husband? And those friends who invalidate your feelings?
The bar for men really is just so damn low.
I literally audibly gasped when reading he didn't even pick up the food she wanted but got himself what he wanted. On Mother's Day. I don't think OP is reacting enough...And who are these so-called friends who are gaslighting her to think she's overreacting...?!!! they're certainly no friends of OPs. Obligatory NTA.
I didn't even catch that part - good call.
NTA. I'll consider this marriage, OP.
Since he is such a good son I’d tell him to go stay at his mother’s until money is paid back and respect is given. That’s total bs and wouldn’t put up with that for a minute. His butt be out the door!
This and also OP you've mentioned he want's to adopt your kids, I mean if he really wants to be their dad he should step up and act like it, because right now the way he's acting it's like you have 3 kids and him being a lazy teenager that refuses to do anything for others!
I would reconsider the adoption because clearly he is not worthy of being a father to your kids and father's day!
I was/am a lazy teenager and still tried to make mothers day nice for my mom every year
So ragey just reading this and I don't even know her husband. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
I'm thinking this is about more than just Mother's Day.
I'm going to recommend some couple's counseling.
With their cash flow they likely can't afford it.
It's worth looking into. It's not always cost prohibitive depending on whether they take insurance, use sliding scale, etc.
She said "car note" so they may not be American.
Edit, I am evidently wrong, I'm from the north of the USA, this appears to be a southern thing?
96 countries celebrate it on the second Sunday of May. So the repo thing might be a reason for thinking this is from the USA. The date however, doesn't say anything at all.
It still doesn't give the guy the right to send his mother 250 dollar without talking about it with his wife. So she is NTA and he is a massive AH!
What? I’m American and I say car note lmfao
Also American(Texan) and I say it too. Is this uncommon?
No. I thought everyone called it a car note.
Brit here, what the hell is a car note???
The monthly bill to pay off your car. I think car payment is more widely used, at least in the US, but car note is definitely used in the US south.
Grew up in PA, reside in Marylande.
Never once called it that or heard it called that. Interesting
Born and raised in PA, never heard it. Thought it was a typo.
I don’t think it’s uncommon lmao I’ve always heard it said like that but I’m in alabama so maybe it’s just a southern thing
likely just regional. i'm on the east coast, and most would say "car loan". but it's not something no one would understand.
not even counselling, divorce at this point
Cheaper and more efficient.
And divorce brings at least the possibility of a happy outcome for her.
yeah, i'm gonna agree here. there's definitely more that needs to be unpacked here.
NTA but forget this one day--you have a problem that your husband isn't a full, participating member of the household, and he took a significant amount of money from a joint account without telling you.
New ground rules. Now. He learns to cook, he gets off his ass from the video games and manages more of the household work, and you have an agreement about what comes out of that account. You're burned out because he treats you like dirt and then is peeved that you don't accept that quietly.
These are great points. I didn’t even consider the financial abuse. He spent over 75% of their savings on his mother. He gaslit her into believing a nap was enough (probably let the kids run wild all day and didn’t realize the time, so he also most likely committed child neglect).
It gets worse the deeper I look into the day.
It may not even be their savings - sounds like it's their everyday fund, so he spent 75% of their budget on his mom and didn't even tell her. What happens when little timmy unexpectedly has to go to the doctor?
Well if it’s like here in the good old USA, they’d make sure to NOT call an ambulance, go to the nearest free clinic, wait for 6-45 hours to be seen, told that they need insurance to cover the X-rays for little Timmy paid BEFORE the test is taken. They bring little Timmy home and care for him without medical intervention.
And still receive a bill for $5000
The shock of it all and her friends telling her she’s overreacting make it worse.
Is not all her friends, but a particular one... the same that put in his head that he gave to adopt the kids. Idk she sounds awfully intrusive when it comes to him.
Gonna be “that person” and let you know you’re using gaslighting wrong.
Holy overreach - he *gaslit* her about napping? He *probably* committed child neglect? I am excited to read the next chapter of your fan fiction!
And he goes out and gets her the meal she wants and pays back her share of the gifts for his mom into the account.
NTA. I would also be pissed my husband can afford to gift his mum almost $300 but couldn't even get dinner I'd wanted . Give him the same on fathers day and see how he likes it.
Maybe she should spend the $300 on a spa day for herself lol
100%! Or take the kids to a Michelin star restaurant for a $300 lunch lol
I like this better, especially if she takes the kids out with HER father-- then when he complains abt the cost, she can say that she took the kids... and spent abt the same on Father's Day as he did on Mother's Day, and in the same fashion.
If they only had $400 in their account, they def could not afford it, which is worse.
Buy yourself a present for Father’s Day. Make a whole event out of it.
Your friend is a shit friend.
Your husband is a shit husband.
OP did mention she's cut them off so they're no longer friends
Now she just needs to follow suit with the dead weight in her house
There are also the "friends" who are saying OP overreacted, so clearly she still has some pruning to do in that department!
NTA. He could plan enough to send flowers to his mom and $250 but he couldn't do jack shit for you? Man, he sucks.
Yep. He had plenty of time to play video games, but not enough time to make a card with the kids? Bullshit. He just doesn't care.
This husband is shocking. Even when we were skint for mothers day my partner would get the kids to make a card and he'd pick me up a chocolate bar and a book or cheap bubble bath or something else I'd like. We'd watch a movie at home all together and one of us would cook.
NTA OP I'd be so upset. You are NOT over reacting. Might be worth looking overall at how thoughtful he is over all and maybe let him take over some chores, and have a discussion about the mental load :(
He sent her money as well. Lol.
So he took the little money you had in the bank and gave it to mom. He didn’t even do the bare minimum of feeding the kids. Separate you finances. He does not put the familie first. If all you have to your name is 400 then you make sure bills are taken care of, money is set aside for stuff like food, then you budget for “fun” and put the rest in savings. You do not spend 290 on mom.
I guess he got the food he wanted, right? You are in big trouble here. NTA
Separate the finances. He got his mother something you both can’t clearly afford. He is irresponsible.
Yeah and that'll make the divorce a little tidier too
So everyone got what they wanted except for you and your kids?
YO. He is also screwing over the kids! God that just hit me
Yeah, far as I can tell from the OP they each had a single cup of noodles all day, which is the nutritional equivalent of eating a couple of sheets of printer paper.
I'm also thinking about the trend, if he's able to just drop over a grand on himself, these kids are getting shafted all the time because there are no resources available for stuff they enjoy, not only because there is no money but also no attention.
Printer paper w/ tons of salt…..
Dude. Your husband doesn't even love or respect you. Why are you WITH this horrible uncaring child? NTA, but Y T A if you stay with this dude.
Please separate your finances immediately. My father used to do the same. He is not gonna change it only will get worse. Sell that computer and keep the money for yourself. Its not worth it, you are already doing the work. You don't need extra.
OMG what a jerk. He should have gotten a $1 hamburger so he had enough money to get what you wanted.
*cup of noodles
Don't let him adopt your kids, also put money separately, he does not appreciate or value you.. what kind of marriage is this?
Omg this just keeps getting worse and worse the more I read it. You guys did have enough. He could've eaten something at home and he could've just picked up your dinner. You need to lay down some boundaries and have a serious conversation about your husband's appalling selfishness.
Of course he did. NTA but your husband sure as hell is.
of course he did
NTA. And time to separate finances.
OP - if anything you're underreacting. He cleaned out your bank account for his mother without discussing it with you? Unacceptable.
My husband would be in for a world of hurt if he did this. I love his mom, but that is unacceptable.
Yes, same. He would regret all of this ✨ immensely ✨
NTA - your husband is however. What an ungrateful buttmonkey. You should sell his stupid games console & buy yourself something nice 👍
It worries me that your husband has a habit of spending large amounts of money on things he wants (the console and the money for his mom's gift), when you don't have enough in your account to pay for a meal you wanted on mother's day. What will you do to pay for necessities if you have unexpected medical bills or one of you loses your job? He sounds financially reckless
What are you getting out of this relationship that you wouldn't have if you were single and had the kids half time?
She'd still have the kids full time, they're not his kids. But otherwise it's a fair point.
Sell the PC and book yourself a nice little weekend getaway without him and the kids. TREAT YO SELF.
I can see him using an excuse for not getting any gifts for you, specifically over the last 2 years, because he got you this $1300.00 PC, which is a pathetic excuse.
Also - I hope you do not buy him any gifts ever! Start matching his energy and effort, too many times in this sub do I see one partner in a relationship not doing anything but expecting their partner to do everything they won't.
Selling the PC may be a good idea but frivolously spending the money on a luxury trip out of revenge is a really bad idea.
Doesn't have to be a "luxury trip". If OP is in the US there are many options for a weekend getaway that can be within a reasonable budget, live near MI or WI, she can rent a room and spend some time relaxing by the lake. She could even go to a hotel near her house for 2 nights just to sleep without disturbances and enjoy some pool time. Sounds like she really needs a little break because she is burning out.
Also, if finances are combined and she puts that money back into the account, I wouldn't put it past OP's husband to take the $1300 out again to buy something for himself.
My husband and I are gamers. Being a gamer doesn't mean you neglect your family. He needs to manage his time and priorities better.
Been gaming for most of my 42 years. Not going to stop until I am 90+(if I live that long). I still make sure my kiddo gets to events, has a hot home cooked meal, has clean clothes, and bills paid before I sit down to a game. My son tries to pull the "I can't right now because I am in the middle of a game" and I am quick to correct him on his priorities.
Responsibilities first, fun and games last.
OP, he didn’t buy YOU that gaming PC. He bought it for himself.
OMG he spends $1300 on himself and yet he had no money for Mother's Day? What crap.
So, basically, he pulled a Homer Simpson on you. "Here, Marge, I bought you a bowling ball with my name engraved on it as a birthday present for you." Ugh! Just ... ugh!
You have 3 children. Not 2 OP. Husband behaved like a petulant teenager, instead of adulting.
He could have easily made dinner, went to the store and got something he could cook easy, or ordered food for the family.
Instead he sat on his ass and played video games, and didn't even do the bare minimum.
And then he has the gall to spend 300 dollars on his mother, her car note *and* flowers.
And u got nothing but a depression nap.
Fuck that. I'd have told him to go stay with mommy for a week to give me space.
Apparently the extent of grub-rustling he needed to do was heating up food OP had already prepared. Kinda takes it to a new level if he couldn’t even get that done.
NTA NTA NTA...next year you come to my house and I'll spoil you.
NTA - so he remember his Mom but got you nothing? That really sucks. You're not overreacting.
INFO Is it like this every mothers day?
He's an unappreciative insensitive moron who has all of his priorities wrong. NTA. he needs to start acting like an adult effective immediately.
Did you tell him what you need/want for mothers day? You definitely should not have to, but since he seems to know mothers day is a thing and got his own mother flowers...then maybe he just needs to have it explained that it is his responsibility to make sure that you have a great mothers day. He needs to plan and organise with the kids and himself, and understand what it is you would need to feel appreciated.
Only thing is since you sound like you are burned out (and for a while), then maybe adressing that issue first might be better than to focus on a 1 day thing. If you had energy and felt appreciated and validated year round, you probably would be less upset if he fucked up one time.
It does sound like you have been very clear about what you need, and your needs are not unreasonable at all. So, the problem is he does not care or understand. Either way:Time to kick him out, so he understands the severiry. Because honestly: it is better to do all the work yourself and be tired, than also being super upset because you are drowning in work and your supposed partner does not want to help you. That is plain torture. He can play videogames and not buy flowers somewhere else
Also: flowers are about what YOU want, not what he feels is worthy of money. Especially upsetting to see him understand that concept for his own mom when he bought her flowers, but not you. He does not value you. You deserve better.
Plus there is less work with only two kids. Right now she clearly has 3 and the third needs to go or grow up.
I get annoyed when I hear people complain about “wasting money” on flowers. You aren’t paying for the flowers. You’re paying for the reaction to the flowers.
Not to mention, you can always get a potted plant that will last for a while.
Orchids are great for this. They look pretty and they last forever.
>His way of fixing that is by buying me a 6 pack and sitting on the porch with me blaring his music while the kids run freely inside. I've asked him to start cooking more or cleaning and he will say he will and will make me believe he is going to by making one meal or doing half the dishes but never sticks to it. I've communicated so much at this point that I can feel myself just shutting down completely because I'm tired of hearing myself talk.
What an absolute loser AH this guy is.
Do you really want your sons growing up with an influence like that?
I’m sure he’s a “great dad” sometimes, but he’s also an incredibly shitty partner. Your kids are going to grow up to treat their future partners the same. They’ll play video games and won’t cook or take care of the kids because that’s womens work… please please don’t raise your sons this way.
Or worse. They'll start treating her that way when they get older cuz they see that twuntwaffle living there getting away with it.
So he doesn't believe in flowers yet he bought his mom flowers?
Exactly, that’s such a bullshit cop out on his part! Nah, he just doesn’t want to get HER flowers because he clearly doesn’t value her as a partner or as a mother— that much is crystal clear. I feel horribly for OP. She really needs to re-evaluate this relationship; for me it’d be immediate couples counseling or separation/divorce. I know it’s much easier said than done but it truly seems like not having him around would make things much easier on her, in the long run…
I think your last sentence is your answer here. You've talked yourself to death. He is not changing. He does not want to change. He has shown you who he is and you know what you need to do here
You've communicated. He understands. He clearly doesn't care. Your move.
Op you should add this in your edit. So people understand more.
You completely deserve better! So give yourself better!!! It’s time to set boundaries. Since you have given him expectations (Lillies and he only did it once) and communicated your needs and hasn’t delivered it is only fair and natural that you will. Next birthday and Mother’s Day make plans to do what you want to do. Surround yourself with people that support and celebrate you. As for the other day to day stuff, cook for only you and the kids ( if they help with the meal and clean up even better if they don’t then they should start), don’t clean up after him, don’t do his laundry, and stop fixing his problems.
I was you for 20 years. My husband played video games on his off time well into his 40’s. I did everything and worked full time while raising our kids. I received the occasional valentines gift, birthday acknowledgement and happy Mother’s Day hug. I thought I was setting an example to my kids by going all out on holidays,birthdays, and Father’s Day but when they reached teenagers/young adults I realized all I taught them was that moms were responsible for making celebrations special. I had finally burnt out in a major way that I just couldn’t take care of anyone anymore and I felt myself dying. So I fought for me. I put my foot down, communicated boundaries and expectations. You want a special holiday, we do it together, you want acknowledgement and a present for your birthday then you do it for everyone else in the house. The energy you put into something will be exactly what you get back. We don’t celebrate birthdays as a family anymore for this reason. My husband does his own laundry and makes his own dinner if he’s not home while I’m cooking. When he is home he helps. He fought it hard at first we separated for a bout a year. He used that year to grow up. He stepped up and has continued to grow. I had to decided that I deserved better in order for him to see that he needed to do better.
If you worked on Mother's Day, that's all the more reason for him to make sure you came home to a clean house, a cooked dinner, and a bouquet of flowers.
Woof. You are so clearly NTA. Your current husband is not qualified to adopt your kids because he can’t be bothered to feed them properly while you get much needed rest, and it sounds like he spent over 50% of your entire net worth on a family member without consulting you and that is divorce worthy IMO. Your “friend” is TA to add fuel to the fire of that issue. Get out and get your kids away from these irresponsible A’s while you have the chance.
I think the 12 year old should have given a card. The kids could have made you something. When you say you didn’t even get a card do you mean from him or all of them? He should have made sure they did. NTA. Separate your finances, his spending is likely going to be a problem. He should have handled dinner for sure but you have other issues, he’s immature and not taking responsibility for something as simple as dinner. You will always be overburdened by the details of life if he can’t be an equal partner around the house. He should have helped your kids get you something.
Man your oldest is good kid at least.
Omg. So sweet! I didn’t know about the schools, makes sense (I’m oldish, my kids are 30). Sorry to say I really think you’re husbands a big AH here. Wow. At minimum he should have made sure they knew and took care of that part. Some people don’t think it’s husbands role to celebrate Mother’s Day for their wife and I don’t want to have that debate, but bare minimum for men should be making sure the kids do. Kinda sad, selfish, disrespectful. Good luck.
So your 12 year old son has more empathy and consideration for you than your husband.
OP, a good father isn’t just someone who’s nice to the kids. A good father models good behavior towards his spouse/partner. A good father shows his children how they should treat others. A good father participates equally in raising the children. And the fact that he’s able to buy a bouquet of flowers for his mom shows that he knows what he’s supposed to do for Mother’s Day, he just doesn’t want to do it for you.
Good thing your husband’s thoughtlessness hasn’t rubbed off on him yet.
INFO: You’ve been together for 8 years, has he always been like this or this a new development?
It sounds like he's a fantastic gift giver when it comes to his mother. It's not that he's a terrible gift giver, it's that he can't be bothered to get anything for you. Don't tolerate that.
This. He's not a terrible gift giver. He's just a terrible gift giver to \*you\*. Time to talk to him about the lack of effort he's putting into this relationship.
Was coming here to say this
He isn’t a shitty gift giver to his mum? It’s just you. He is the AH.
I don't know, it sounds like he knocks the ball out of the park when it comes to buying things for himself and for his mother.
Sounds like he's gotten comfortable with taking you for granted and it's creeped into financial abuse territory.
>*He is a terrible gift giver*
His mom probably thinks he's a fantastic gift giver.
The terrible gift-givers that I know are consistent. They fail to give gifts to *everyone* in their lives: spouses, children, parents, other loved ones. Is that the pattern here?
There's no such thing as an inherently terrible gift giver. The only difference between a good gift giver and a bad gift giver is that one actually takes the time and effort to get a good gift.
My wife and I both have notes on our phones where we will keep track of things throughout the year that the people in our lives say they like or what. Or any other interests they mention or things we see that might be a good gift.
It really doesn't take a ton of effort to do. Like literally just bare minimum of giving a shit lol
He's a huge, selfish AH, and I'm struggling to see how your life is better off with him in it.
I was going to say calm down until I saw the last bit. Oh hell no, he did not go above and beyond for mommy and not you. He should have cleared it with you before paying his mama's bills, especially with so little in the bank.
NTA. BUT you need help. You did not overreact - your husband got his mother helpful and pretty things for mothers day and you got.....a depression nap.
You need to be clear about your expectations with your husband before things come to a head again. You need breaks. You might need a unbiased third party to talk things through (the pouring from an empty cup constantly is worrisome). Please find a therapist for yourself. Please set up clear expectations in regards to the division of household labor (emotional and physical).
I am not a mother, but I am a woman and I completely get where you're coming from.
You're only TA as far as this: You didn't communicate your expectations. Now, you might say, "why should I have to?" Because obviously you do. He is def TA here.
I respectfully suggest that you just ask questions. "You spent almost $300 on your mother and $0 on me. I don't require $300, but why didn't you think I was worth an hour of your time?"
In a comment above OP says that her husband knew he was expected to make dinner. He knew that she wanted some appreciation, and she tells him at least twice a week that she's burnt out. So he definitely knew.
She says in another comment and in the post that she had taken meat out for dinner, she had told him what she wanted, but he didn't do it.
I would agree if the expectations were about OP (eg how she would like to be appreciated), but this man wants to adopt her children.
And yet he prioritized his hobbies over nutrition for the kids. How low does the bar need to be for a father to have to be told that he is expected to feed his children properly?
What’s even worse is he gave them cup of soup noodles, and later bought something I am sure was better for himself.
So on Mother’s Day, he sure got everything his way — a day of gaming, gifts for his mother, and food he wanted. At the expense of OP and her kids.
NTA, but you married a grown ass man who lays around playing video games.
Shouldn’t you expect nothing from him?
Yeah because before he had an excuse to not do work around the house.
OP my coworker and I are gamers and work remote. Switching to remote we often find more time for chores. He said his house has never been so clean because he takes his breaks and cleans, 2 15 minute cleaning cycles. Your husband has just gotten lazy and lost sight of what’s important. Be very careful with this relationship because at best this is borderline abuse.
I'm a grown ass man in my 30s with a wife and kids.
Yes, I enjoy video games and movies but I do that stuff as a break or on weekends.
This is a long shot , and IANA Mental Health Professional, but...sometimes non-stop-video-game-playing is indicative of some types of depression. It's a way to avoid things going on in your life, or to self-soothe those feelings of depression.
Does he miss the office? Does he seem depressed in other ways?
NTA. If you are low on cash, he should not have spend the last money on his mother without you knowing. Also, while I understand that sometimes it's hard to make dinner while watching kids, these are not toddlers. He was playing video games
But I think you need better communication. You need to be on the same page about how to spend your last money, who cooks, etc.
>Also, while I understand that sometimes it's hard to make dinner while watching kids, these are not toddlers.
They're 12 and 9. They could be able to make dinner in a pinch, let alone busy themselves while dad does it.
A 12-year-old and a 9-year-old should be able to make a basic dinner as a regular thing, not just in a pinch. Kids need to learn life skills like cooking.
You better sit that ungrateful ass down and let him know how you feel. A real conversation, because I would never dream of treating my wife that way and I would not allow myself to be treated that way. Unacceptable through and through.
Info - with the 8 years being with him, how much of that was being married to him? Also, how much parenting has he done with your kids during the entire time you’ve been together? Does he have the authority to discipline them when they get out of hand?
>*He is very good with the kids.*
...but he couldn't cook for them this one day?
I'm not trying to be a smart-ass, I'm really not. I guess for me, being good with the kids would include giving them a hot, healthy meal. Especially when my partner already thawed the meat for cooking and all the ingredients were ready to go.
Very good but doesn’t cook for them on the rare occasion he’s expected to?
Very much NTA then. I would be pissed if my late husband pulled a stunt like this especially on Mother’s Day. The fact that he got huffy bc he was playing video games makes the situation even worse. Letting you sleep in isn’t a Mother’s Day gift bc he didn’t do anything else to help ease your burden.
That said, even before my husband passed away, I learned that if I wanted a Mother’s Day to my liking, I’d always have to take charge of it and not leave it to others bc I know i would get disappointed. In the past I would take the day and leave all parenting duties to my late husband and just go for a walk on the beach or go on a Starbucks run and sit and read. Just a day to myself. Heck, I would even dole out cumbersome chores stuff to my kids on that day specifically bc I knew they’d be more inclined to do it (stuff like detailing my car, or power washing the driveway). Now that I don’t have my husband here to parent, getting away is more difficult but I still make sure my kids know it’s a day for me.
NTA. So what was their plan if you didn’t nap?? A minimal, basic level of effort is neither difficult or expensive.
Gonna give you that validation OP, NTA.
Regardless of it being Mother’s Day or not, these are small things you do on a daily basis to help your partner out. Cooking food for kids isn’t rocket science, going out to fetch food for you guys isn’t climbing a mountain, like he was playing a video game is not an excuse lmao I play video games and if I know I’m gonna be playing for a long while then I do all my chores and business for the day and then sit down to play uninterrupted. Also, whose money was it that he used to send his mum a card? Really hoping it wasn’t your money.
NTA again and have a chat with your partner about how you’re feeling. Hope it works out for you OP.
NTA, your husband was definitely insensitive. Drop him, and onto #3
Definitely NTA about mother's day. The bar for him was so low and he was still under it.
I'm confused by this though:
>I have two sons from my previous relationship (12 and 9). I've been with my husband for 8 years. My children's father passed away 6 years ago in a car wreck and my husband has since made multiple points to bring up adopting my children. I only bring this up because one of my "friends" (whom I have now cut off) stated that they "arent technically his kids" and that is why she states I'm overreacting. He calls my kids his babies.
So he's been looking after these kids since they were 4 and 1? Could you explain your attitude to this a little more? You want him to be more of a father to the kids or less? None of it makes him anything except the AH but I'm confused.
Is he, though? Sounds like he's teaching them to not pull their weight in the household, disrespect women, slack off about basic adult tasks and be financially irresponsible. Great role model you got there.
It's not okay that your husband is better to the kids than to you. You're not just some brood sow who produced his fun buddies. He (and the kids) should be taking up a significant amount of the housework so you aren't burned out.
Your "so called" friend had an interesting point--he wants to both adopt and be their father, but also doesn't want to treat you like you're a mother worthy of respect (not just on mother's day, but always).
But he's teaching those kids to 1) not appreciate their mother & 2) not appreciate their partner. If you were with their dad when he died I would probably be against adoption too. It doesn't stop step from being a father figure, but it ensures their own father stays a part of their life.
I'd be pissed if my spouse spent $300 and we didn't talk about it before hand. I'd be pissed at the effort to his mom and not to you. I'd be pissed that he is not teaching your kids to make an effort. And i would ask him and your "friend" what the expectation is when fathers day rolls around.
Edit: fix spelling
I'm still confused. So he's normally great to the kids, but on this particular day was just bummed out and made cup noodle? Or this is a regular thing?
A damn good Dad would feed his kids and teach them how to do nice things for their Mum, like make her a special dinner on Mother's Day, so they learn not to settle for anything less in their own relationships.
Your partner isn't a good Dad. He might be better than most, and have good intentions, but that does not make a good Dad. Unfortunately the bar is much lower for Dads than it is for Mum's. As your post proves, you're literally burnt out from being the best Mum and Wife you can be and you're still praising the man who put gaming over spending time with or feeding the kids he says he wants to adopt as a good Dad.
>*The only reason I had mentioned this fact was because my so called friend tried stating that I was overreacting because my kids aren't his biologically and I am not HIS mother so I shouldn't have expected anything.*
That's a mighty low bar your friend has set, there.
You're the bio-mom, but he's the father figure, and together you two are the parents. He should have done *something* for you.
NTA - You guys need to seek help to get back on the same path. You need help to be able to lighten your physical and emotional load, and he needs to start learning how to be a husband and an actual partner to you and your kids. You have your kids, and he should not be a 3rd for you to have to look after. That is not how this works.
I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, but I hope that you are able to find a way to work through this and get onto the same team and fight along side each other and not against each other.
If he is not willing to do the work, or if he is unable/refuses to see his wrongs in this instance, then you have a difficult decision to make. I am sorry OP, but for what it is worth, happy belated mothers day, you are loved from this random stranger of the internet, and I am sure from many others on here too.
edit to add - You also need to set boundaries on bank accounts if he is going to clear out the money of significant amounts without telling you. That is not healthy or safe to live like that. Money needs to have clear communication expectations.... ok I am done :)
NTA: in this day and age everyone should be aware that Mother’s Day is not a day to gloss over so he could not have misunderstood any expectations. At the very least you should have had a meal ready for you if he wasn’t even going to give you a card, even a social media dedication would have sufficed and that is free to create, he had no excuse whatsoever to half-ass it. Whether or not they are his biological kids, you are his wife and a mother, that is reason enough to make you feel appreciated.
This is a wake up call that you are not valued or a priority by your husband. Show your kids that you have enough respect for yourself and high standards by leaving that clown. Treat Mother’s Day as a special bond day with your kids, ask them to each pick an activity to do with you and have quality time with each child.
NTA: But this isn't 100% about Mothers day either
1. He made a big spend without telling you
2. Isn't considerate of your general needs
3. Did the bare minimum to feed the kids (although sometimes kids like cup of noodles)
4. Lied about the finances until you got the wrong food
It's really shitty how badly he did on M-day, but that's a symptom that's not the disease.
So your husband is an AH.
Get your own bank account to keep your separate money in.
He should not have spent that much on anything without consulting you first.
NTA, it sound like your the Mom of 3 boys. Please stop solving his issues, whatever it is he brings to you, he’s old enough to do it himself. My Dad told me years ago, “Once you start answering questions or fixing things, it will be your job for life”. He was a total AH for all of the things you mentioned on Mother’s Day. Side note, please ensure you are raising your boys to be the opposite of your husband.
NTA. Let me guess, the people telling you that you’re being over dramatic are the same ones who should have been kinder to you: your husband and friend (and your boys, too). Your husband definitely is wrong. He’s deflecting blame because he knows he was lazy and inconsiderate. Your friend needs to support you, not point out ‘technicalities' that don’t contribute anything positive to the conversation.
Perhaps it’s time to go on a mental health strike. Do the essentials for your boys but that’s all. See how much they appreciate having to do everything *you* normally do. Divide chores age appropriately, stop doing husband's laundry and preparing his meals, etc. Go full out on him. And at the same time separate your finances.
For Father's day I'd send $20 to a men's homeless shelter and give hime the receipt in a envelope.
NTA. And now you know what to do when fathers day rolls around.
NTA - He could have cooked and he absolutely should not have spent that much of your joint finances without discussion. Possibly you may have overreacted but reading between the lines, I think this is a symptom of a larger frustration you have. I also sense that you are willing to tolerate being a doormat a bit.
Clear communication and boundaries are required going forward.
INFO: did you put out any kind of expectation for mothers day? like ever? communicate what you wanted? have you communicated that you're burned out to your husband?
your husband sounds like a complete loser:/
Honestly just telling him ‘you’re cooking tonight as it’s Mother’s Day’ should have been more than enough. Getting out the meat to thaw and checking the ingredients is just going above and beyond. He’s not being a good partner. You need to have a proper sit down chat with him and be completely honest about what you need from him because this partnership is not working right now.
NTA! I think his attitude towards 'your' mothers day and his mothers day shows he looks at it in the wrong way. He should either man up and get the kids to do something special if he's giving all the funds to his mother. Plenty to do if there are no funds but he couldn't put his game down so his priorities are also messed. On fathers day, tell him he can spend the day on his game and you take the kids out for a meal somewhere. He can fix his own dinner too.